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advice about dad

(81 Posts)
busybee6969 Thu 17-Jan-19 08:41:59

dad is 80 poor health,has a dog for company,i visit daily do all i can im only daughter,phone every evening,he has a cleaner who is getting very demanding,just found out he has been collecting her from her other cleaning jobs quite a few miles away and running her in his car to bank ,.he gave her my old car a year ago so she has her own car,just found out,he paid of the debt on her old car when she got my car,a year ago so her 3 hours a week cleaning pay is actually coming off the debt he paid for her,but he admits she only flys round doing the cleaning quick possibly 1 and a half hours but expects 3 hours knocking off her debt he paid,she rolls up for dinner several days a week letting him know night before what day and time he needs to cook her dinner for then as soon as they hgave eaten her hubby collects her, she is about 53 ,i think dad is getting more forgetful,but its making me ill with worry as i dont trust her. found out about a year ago she had applied to local council to try and get a council flat in dads town so she could help look after him,putting him down as her stepdad,when i called her out on it saying it was fraud she was no relation to him a cleaner/friend she laughed in my face, luckily she did not get a coucil place, her hubby and her rent private move address about every 9 months,any advice sorry for long post

123coco Fri 18-Jan-19 10:58:35

I don’t see what’s so hard about finding someone more suitable and sack her !!! Also take all official documents and banks stuff to your house. But please,just role play it until you are confident enough and JUST SACK HER ASAP

Jaycee5 Fri 18-Jan-19 10:59:32

My mother had this with a neighbour who she trusted. It is very upsetting as I think that they often realise that it is wrong but don't know what to do about it.
After my mother thankfully moved away, this neighbour sent her a box of stuff including cheque books. I think her son may have stolen it and the neighbour found it but she didn't put any note in with it. My sister met her and she made weird comments which suggested that she though a mention in mum's will was in order but she (my sister) thought at the time that she was still helping her.
The comments about AgeUk are good advice. You need to move quickly but be careful if meeting her alone as people can be intimidating.
Good luck.

Juicylucy Fri 18-Jan-19 11:06:27

Another thing to be mindful of, if she’s on his iPad she could be ordering things in his name or applying for loans etc as if she’s him. The fact they move address every 9 months is probably because they are wanted for all manner of things. I think you have to be STRONG here and step in and sort this out, if not just for your family but any others they are doing this to. If by nature you are not confrontational then as others have said please speak to Age UK you know what’s happening is wrong. Good luck let us know how it goes.

EmilyHarburn Fri 18-Jan-19 11:20:13

You need to stop this relationship going any further. It is abuse. You will have a local Adult Services team who deal with abuse and you should pursue this. Age concern will help you. Not a nice thing to have to do but the advantage is that they will probably help your dad to see howe he has been taken for a ride and lost so much money and he will probably then want you to be his financial attorney, which I am sure the Council Abuse team will encourage him in. Best of luck.

Urmstongran Fri 18-Jan-19 11:25:04

Slightly off topic but is the search facility still down on this site? I wanted to look something up and it hasn’t been available for a few days?

sarahellenwhitney Fri 18-Jan-19 11:25:13

This is abuse and you need to take matters into your own hand and dismiss her. May I suggest you contact Age Concern or even the Red Cross and advise them of your fathers position and his need for a cleaner.

Hollydoilly10 Fri 18-Jan-19 11:33:14

Ban her from visiting your dad and get him a new cleaner. Change his locks too.
I may be inclined to inform the police if you think it necessary, he is vulnerable and needs protecting.. The husband must know what is going on.

mabon1 Fri 18-Jan-19 11:37:37

Get rid of her pdq

MrTumble Fri 18-Jan-19 11:59:51

This is abuse, I expect there is more going on, that you are unaware of , as is often the case. Have a talk with your Dad . When he takes her to the bank is it to take money from his account? You need to first sack her, if she works for a company advise them. I would also be having a chat with the police, as she may be abusing other vulnerable people.

NotSpaghetti Fri 18-Jan-19 12:15:25

We too have had something similar with the "friend" of my aunt BlueBelle who not only told people she was next of kin (we lived 200 miles away so not easy to visit regularly) but even registered my aunt's death before we could drive down to do it!

Chucky Fri 18-Jan-19 12:19:37

Agree with pp. This is abuse and she has groomed him so that he gives her money. Some very good advice given out here so please get rid now!
You haven’t answered whether she comes from an Agency or not. If she has please also report this to them ASAP as he may not be the only one she is conning.

Teacheranne Fri 18-Jan-19 12:52:02

Slightly off topic but this tip might help those people who support elderly or confused relatives.

I am convinced that my mum is on what Esther Ranzham calls a "suckers" list judging by the number of scammer who phone her! She does have Alzheimer's but is still able to live independly with my help. But she trusts everyone and will happily hand over bank details to buy something over the phone - currently companies claiming to be part of the telephone preference service who will stop scam calls for a monthly fee - ironic really!

To prevent her being able to use her bank card to buy anything over the phone I scratched off the three cvc numbers from the back. The scammers cannot now use her back details as they need this information. Mum does not know I have done this and luckily has no idea there should be numbers on the reverse of the card!

It might be illegal but I don't care!

Buffybee Fri 18-Jan-19 12:53:57

There are many of these people around, one latched onto my Dad at a cafe he used to go into for lunch after a waitress found out that he was quite wealthy.
The first inkling I had that things were not quite right was when I went to the cafe with him one Saturday lunch and this woman skipped from behind the counter, hugged my Dad, kissed him on the cheek, turning to me and said, "Oh, I love your Dad, I didn't realize that he was THE Mr. Buffybee, my Dad knows him", (she meant he knew who he was).
The next news, she's invited herself to his home and told him that she was going to call round every day to look after him.
My Dad realised what was going on but was too polite to stand up to her but thank goodness told me.
I went to the owner of the Cafe told him what was happening and asked him to keep his staff away from my Dad, otherwise he'd lose our custom.
My Dad was actually scared of going in on his own the next time, so I went with him and she had the cheek to, still miss my Dad on the cheek and hiss something in my ear about her not doing anything wrong.
I got up from the table, followed her and in front of other staff and the owner, quite loudly, told her to leave my Dad alone.
She was gone the next day.
Please get rid of this woman, otherwise she will totally take over.

annifrance Fri 18-Jan-19 13:51:12

My mother's help was similar to this wpman, though not quite so bad. I lived 100 miles away and DM had dementia. The gardner kept me informed to a certain extent. I kept a watching brief and said nothing as she saw my mother everyday that I couldn't be there.

Eventually after a serious incident with pikkies (long story), the police said she really couldn't live there anymore. I had been trying to persuade her to move to a warden assisted appartment, who wouldn't take her as her dementia was too advanced. So with the help of police and doctor she was persuaded to go.into a residential home. At this point, knowing she was going to lose her golden goose, the help was about to move in with my mother, she had a husband too! I put paid to that and moved her to a wonderful home near me, which was a huge success.

However I then got a barrage of abusive telephone calls from both the help and her husband.

One safeguard I had put in place while my father was still alive and suffering from Alzheimer's, was anEPA for both of them, so there was a.limit to how much she could lay her hands on.

This was an action my DDs FiL had to take with a far worse situation, and it continued after he moved his parents into a home near him as she kept visiting, a long round trip. She was determined and still managed to get away with a substantial legacy.

These woman are evil, so OP, I would say it will get worse if you don't take action now. I do advocate getting an EPA asap. Good luck.

Babsbada Fri 18-Jan-19 14:23:46

Don't leave this situation a minute longer. It is very clear what this person is doing. Tell her you don't need her services any more
and take your father to the bank to change his account details. Your father is being taken advantage of and desperately needs you to step in. Good luck, it won't be easy but don't delay

Rosina Fri 18-Jan-19 14:40:59

I had a similar situation with my uncle who was around eighty - a local woman tried to worm her way in, kept calling on him and then I found out she was borrowing a few pounds here and there that were never paid back. She was quite clearly on the make, kept asking him questions about money and pensions, which luckily he told me about, but before it got out of hand and I would have needed to get tough , sadly he died. She didn't come to the funeral...My uncle was a kind and generous man and she worried him - he didn't like to refuse if he felt she needed the money. Do, please, clamp down on this at once as with hindsight I think I let it go on for too long, feeling that it was his business. She didn't get a lot out of my uncle, but I think she was working her way towards something bigger. Once it happens you would have a real job trying to get his assets back, and this behaviour is outrageous - I would certainly act, talk to her agency, talk to the police, make a public show of her if necessary.

Lily65 Fri 18-Jan-19 14:43:24

69 seems popular today.

sandelf Fri 18-Jan-19 16:16:12

You have to end this pronto and find a person who WILL CLEAN and not pop round for tea/coke/bickies/diner and maybe a light bit of cleaning. - Apart from the car business - she is just not doing her job. Being someone's cleaner does involve being friendly but still maintaining a businesslike relationship - does not sound like she is. Do you have an AgeUK locally - they may know of people or services that would be safer.

BonnieBlooming Fri 18-Jan-19 16:53:12

I am a Safeguarding trainer in a national charity and agree that this is abuse. I would contact your local adult safeguarding team and explain the situation to them. Hopefully they will support you in taking action. It sounds like your dad is being manipulated by this woman and financially abused. Please act quickly as it will only escalate.

BlueBelle Fri 18-Jan-19 17:04:35

Have you done anything yet there’s no point coming on here asking advice hearing all our scared stories and doing nothing ..she should have gone by now you need to move fast and check his bank accounts and his iPad as soon as you can, like now

Annaram1 Fri 18-Jan-19 17:16:40

Would it help to get Lasting Power of Attorney? Perhaps somebody can explain if it might be useful.

icanhandthemback Fri 18-Jan-19 17:45:43

This lady is considered to be an employee so it may be worth ringing ACAS and asking about how to give her notice and explaining your concerns. Her actions re the council house are a breach of trust. I am assuming that you think your Dad is happy to let her go because he will be your biggest stumbling block if he refuses.
This cleaner should have a proper contract, paid holiday, etc so you need to speak to ACAS to ensure that your Dad is not penalised for not doing this. It may also be that, first you have to give the contract with the right terms and conditions before taking appropriate action. This will at least alert her to the fact you are on your guard.
You should also get your Dad to make you his POA for health and financial matters. The process is easily done by you and you can get him then to sign the paperwork. At least then, you are ready to step in if his forgetfulness gets worse.
In fact, we should all get our POA's done. A friend of mine had a sister who was strangled and left for dead by her husband. She had 2 young children and wasn't very old herself so it was horrific that she was left as a Quadriplegic with diminished mental capacity. She didn't have a POA so the Officialdom stepped in which means an unbearable amount of paperwork for her family in order to ensure she is looked after properly, etc. It took months for them to be able to sell one vehicle and buy another suitable for her needs. In the meanwhile she was unable to go anywhere.

Buffybee Fri 18-Jan-19 17:55:07

I think contact the Local adult Safeguarding Team to get advice.
These evil people are hard-faced, she's already laughed in your face OP. She's got her claws in and it will be a battle to get rid of her.
You must talk to your Dad, tell him it's not on what has happened with this woman, giving her a car, paying her debt, running her around in his car, making her meals in the evenings, her sitting drinking Cokes and tea, while on his lap top.
She is trying to act like family or worse, his girlfriend. I wouldn't put it past her to be flirting with him.
There is only one reason she is being over familiar with your Dad and that is to get his money.

M0nica Fri 18-Jan-19 18:08:41

Could busybee give us an update, or have we not heard from her because she has been busy all day dealing with this dangerous situation.

Lily65 Fri 18-Jan-19 18:10:57

Yes busybee number 69, come in please and report back to these good people.