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No Idea What To Do Next

(58 Posts)
Lisigp60 Mon 28-Jan-19 21:28:43

I Am Sure Someone Will Know What To Do
Hi folks. I’m a Nanna to two adorable girls GD1 is 11. GD2 is 7. My DS and his partner of over 10 years split a couple of years back. DS has primary custody. Court order is in place. ExDIL gets them every other weekend and half all holidays. ExDIL has moved on and is a new relationship with a violent, drug addicted sociopath who has, on more than one occasion, threatened the lives of my two GD’s, as well as that of my Ex DIL and their new baby. The GD’s love their mother and want to spend time with her and their baby sister, but are terrified of their Mum’s new partner. I have reported this situation to all agencies, but their advice is so impractical for a single Dad, struggling to keep his job and his family’s heads above water. We are due to deliver them into the hands of this evil in 4 days. I simply don’t want to do this but the courts are forcing me to. What do I do?"

MissAdventure Mon 28-Jan-19 21:31:38

What advice have you (your son) had regarding the situation?

agnurse Mon 28-Jan-19 21:53:06

If you haven't received any practical advice or support from the agencies, you don't have any option except to give them to their mother. It's not the best situation, but if you don't do so, the mother could have your son charged with parental abduction. If he decided to apply for sole custody the courts would take a dim view of parental abduction.

All you can do is continue to report, and to suggest that your son talk to a solicitor.

EllanVannin Mon 28-Jan-19 21:57:58

I'd be telling the police !

Lisigp60 Mon 28-Jan-19 22:02:37

Yes. I’ve encouraged my son to do so. But should I?

MissAdventure Mon 28-Jan-19 22:17:47

I would if I were you.
Children shouldn't be around someone they're terrified of.

Anja Mon 28-Jan-19 22:18:48

Of course

Namsnanny Tue 29-Jan-19 00:17:42

Is anyone you or your son keeping a record of things?

What agencies did you report to?

Were there any witnesses to the threatening behaviour?

Witnesses mean the police have something to go on, at least to interview him.

Its all very worrying.

Keep posting if possible, someone else here is bound to be more knowledgeable than I.

Tartlet Tue 29-Jan-19 00:25:10

I’m also wondering what the impractical advice was.

Surely custody orders can be revisited in the light of changing circumstances?

Does your ex DIL know that her daughters are terrified of her new partner?

Lisigp60 Tue 29-Jan-19 04:16:07

My ExDIL was a lovely girl. Sweet, kind, loving and very much a part of our family until she got addicted to ice. It completely changed her personality. She will no longer talk to me. She rarely talks to my son and is cut off from her own family. The girls have told her but she tells them not to say anything because it will make things worse. They’ve all recently seen a family psychologist. She was sporting a black eye but had it covered with make up. She just lies to the psych, and the psych does nothing about it. Nobody will. They’re all sympathetic, but no action has been taken. My son is trying to hang onto his job. He’s lost so much time off work fighting this. It’s so frustrating. I’m just terrified that her partner will crack one day and kill her in front of the kids, or even worse, slaughter the whole family.

absent Tue 29-Jan-19 04:34:26

Lisigpo60 I understand how worried you are about your granddaughters. Your ex-daughter-in-law is in the classical denial of an abused woman – never mind why right now Obviously, drug addiction doesn't help the situation. Of course, the girls want to be with their mum, at least some of the time, but probably in very different circumstances. I would suggest that they are in danger. Can you talk to her and try to inform her of the very fragile situation in which she and her girls are in? Is it worth talking to the police or will they politely ignore you? Can your son go back to court – with some evidence of drug – and maybe other kinds of abuse?

M0nica Tue 29-Jan-19 06:52:13

This man probably has a criminal record of violence.

Go to:
1) The police,
2) Social Services
3) Citizen's Advice (CAB),
4) Consult a specialist solicitor, one specialising in child custody and safe-guarding.
5) Your son could press for the girls only to see their mother in a supervised setting.
6) You could speak to the school.

MOST IMPORTANTLY Keep a diary of every occasion you see mother or partner do anything untoward. Listen to the children and record every event they report

Iam64 Tue 29-Jan-19 08:21:30

What Monica said - this is good advice so please follow it.

harrigran Tue 29-Jan-19 09:02:49

I find it hard to believe that the authorities allow children to stay in a house where an addict lives, these people can not live under the radar. Surely visits with the mother should be supervised ones and not with the new partner present.
If family are voicing doubts SS should be listening.

megan123 Tue 29-Jan-19 09:15:34

I am so sorry to hear about this. You need to get in touch with Social Services, the Team Leader, and make sure they are aware of all the facts and your genuine concern . It is too risky a situation, someone officially has to be involved. You need your "go to" person in that Department. If it was me I wouldn't let it rest until they are involved. Also all of the people Moira has mentioned.

NotSpaghetti Tue 29-Jan-19 10:06:13

M0nica has said what I would suggest. It's likely they are already linked with Social Care as they are receiving some sort of family therapy so you probably will not be telling them anything totally new, just adding another piece to the jigsaw.

In the past I have spoken to head teachers about children and asked them to be aware of the family situation. She/he won't be able to discuss it with you but passing on your fears directly means they will have to be sure they are fulfilling their duty to safeguard. You may find this is a productive route, especially in a junior school.

Is the option you mention "impractical" to the extent that it can't be considered? What is it?

And yes, keep a diary. This is evidence and proves the ongoing nature of the problem.

mabon1 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:26:47

Don't hesitate to inform the police if any life has been threatened.

Rosina Tue 29-Jan-19 10:32:19

Tell the police at once, and all parties mentioned by MOnica. If those little girls have told you what he has said then I certainly wouldn't hold back - I am truly not trying to be alarmist but he sounds dangerous, and there are enough dreadful and heartbreaking cases reported every year. Don't for one moment allow your family to be exposed to such a situation ; I don't doubt the girls want to see their mother and half sister but perhaps this can be achieved away from him.

Rachand Tue 29-Jan-19 10:33:26

Make sure the eldest gd has a fully charged and credited mobile phone with her and give her instructions what to do or who to ring immediately they feel threatened, let her know they can ring at any time night or day and to keep the phone hidden from him.

Applegran Tue 29-Jan-19 10:37:54

MOnica has given excellent advice - and it needs to be taken urgently. What an agonising situation. Others will know better than me about this, but I wonder if it is a good idea to talk to your local councillor (and maybe MP) about this. Social Services are likely to be overwhelmed with cases of all kinds, and the intervention of an elected member would raise this to another level with Social Services - and the Director may jump more swiftly to appropriate action.

Telly Tue 29-Jan-19 10:48:41

Def. make sure they have a phone as has already been suggested. I certainly think you also need specialist legal advice has already been stated. You feel these children are in danger so you must act. Best wishes

eazybee Tue 29-Jan-19 10:54:16

Unfortunately the whole machinery concerned with family break ups is focused on maintaining contact between children and their parents. Your grand daughters want to see their mother, and she has attached herself to this dangerous man; until he does something untoward it is unlikely anyone can prevent him from being there.
Gather and record as much evidence as you can, and make sure your grand daughters know they can contact you anytime.
If their mother is under the influence of drugs (I don't know what ice is) that should strengthen your son's case for increased custody, but the girls will still be encouraged to have access to her.
A dreadful situation.

A dreadful situation.

RillaofIngleside Tue 29-Jan-19 10:56:09

Have you reported the situation to the Local Authority Designated Officer as a safeguarding concern? They will discuss it with you. You don't have to go through the school, although they can refer it too. They are very experienced, and will know what to do.

Pat1949 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:56:34

Social workers need to speak to the girls and the girls need to be totally honest. If I were you I would be speaking to social services and telling them if anything should happen whilst with their mother you will be holding them personally reasonable. It needs to go back to court. If you and your son are genuinely worried about your grandaughters welfare, which you sound as though you are, you need to get tough. Don't play Mr Niceguy. We've had similar trouble with my drugged up, violent ex son in law, who threw petrol over my daughter and threatened to set light to her in front of the children. It took 3 years in and out of court to stop him having any access to them, but she did it in the end. Five years on the children are settled in another part of the country and don't even want to see their dad. Just fight for what you think is right. Social services are not always right nor are the family court. I really feel your pain.

RillaofIngleside Tue 29-Jan-19 10:56:52

You might also ring the NSPCC for advice, they are always helpful.