Help no idea how to handle this situation

I have a VERY different experience to most of the comments above. I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. My daughters partner called me when he took her to the hospital and I was in the room with them both. My daughter was calm and in control the whole time and I touched my grandsons head before he was born. His mum was the first to hold him and I stepped back while mum and dad had their first moments and then was given the utter pleasure of holding my very first grandson while my daughter was made comfortable... he is my whole world now and I treasure every single moment with him, as does his papa (Grampy)
I think everyone should have the opportunity to give birth the way they choose. Our way was special for us as your daughters will be for her.
One comment though ..... why does he feel he needs control and why is she shaking her head behind his back?

I was there for all five of my daughters' births. I didn't expect to be but was asked to be. It was a great privilege. I stayed at the head end of things and made myself scarce after the baby was born.

These would be hilarious comments if they did make me so sad/angry.
“Man up”indeed! ???
I have no opinion other than what pertained to me or my daughters- and in their case, their childbirth, their choice.
Personally I may not too happy about whole families, old uncle Tom Cobbley and all in the birthing suite, but each to their own
The dig about doulas and aromatherapists was however unjustified!
No it's not fine even if the new mother wants it. She should man-up and do the job she was designed for along with the relatively modern luxury of a hospital staff smile
I don't understand why childbirth has become a spectator sport. It was bad enough when they started expecting partners to be present, but now we seem to be trundling in with entire extended families plus doula plus aromatherapist.

“If they did NOT make me...” Etc

I think some young women turn into wee girls when their mum is about,maybe thats his fear .She may cope far better if mums not beside her and she's treated as an adult .Of course they should be on the same page about it but in the end you can hardly force your way past him at the delivery room door .

One comment though ..... why does he feel he needs control and why is she shaking her head behind his back?

She may have been shaking her head at the situation , i.e. the fact that the convetsation had to happen at all!

Every time I read the term "spectator sport" being used to describe birthing, I think back-woods, deliverance-like, incestual-internet-group-think-cowing and just smile ..

"Hollis, shove that durn cow back in the shed and let 'er birth her own durn calf .. "



haha

?

It is their time. Just wait for a call. I can't think why you want to be their anyway. This is a very precious time for mum and dad...let them have it.

I am very much in favour of the parents dictating who and when they want to see , yes and even if that’s a week later. No one else knows what they’re feeling physically or emotionally and I think that their boundaries should be respected absolutely .

The only one making the decisions should be your daughter the fact she is stood in the background shaking her head is worrying.

I asked my daughter and son in law whether they would like me to be there or not and I would have been happy no matter what they decided. After they had discussed it together they decided they wanted me to be there as they felt quite unprepared and thought as an ex midwife I would be able to help them. I am so thankful I agreed to be there as my daughter had a very quick Labour and they were both scared and panicking and we were able to get her to the delivery suite with only 10 mins to spare. It was a close call and I had visions of delivering her in the hospital car park. I stayed well back from them so they could have their own special time and only helped when asked. I felt privileged to have been there and an active part of it and to have helped them both through the traumatic delivery. It has brought my daughter and myself much closer together and it worked for all of us as a family. It has to be said though that being at the delivery is not for everyone and that includes the partner and the wishes of the mum to be are of paramount importance.

My daughter asked me to be at the birth of both my dgc. The first time she was only 16, the father 17 and not much help really.
Second time a year ago the father turned up for the last 4 hours. My daughter was rushed into theatre immediately after the birth leaving us holding the baby. I'm so relieved I was there.
It has to be your daughters choice...

I agree with posts. Please do not get upset. Tell your Sil you understand this is a very special time for parents and you will wait for him to phone you when the baby is born, but if they would like you to come to the hospital you would be happy to if you can help. If your daughter wants you there she needs to tell your Sil to avoid problems for you.

Congratulations on being grandparents. A few eggshells to walk on by the sound of it, but by taking a back sat now you will avoid problems in the future. Sil does not yet realise how much support young families need - he thinks he can do it all.

I had my son 39 years ago and can’t understand why women want anyone except their partner with them, unless they are on their own of course.we rang parents as soon as baby arrived.

The biggest issue here is 'shaking her head'.
I think, as others have said that you have to find out what your daughter wants.
What the rest of us think about our own or our daughter's birth experiences, or what we see on TV is irrelevant. You need to find out from her, on her own, and honour her wishes.
It's unclear from your post whether you have a controlling SiL, or whether he is setting good boundaries for the new family. A private conversation with your daughter, in which you make no mention of your own wishes, will help you decide what to do.

Abuelana I am very close to my daughter but when she had their first child (1st GC on both sides) they didn't tell either set of grandparents she was in labour - partly because in laws lived close. It's their time and their child, you will no doubt get to see the baby soon after it's born

I am with those who are somewhat surprised at the thought of wanting to be there as daughter gives birth.

Why do you think you should be there? This is a private matter between your daughter and her partner. I’m sure the hospital wouldn’t want a whole entourage in the labour ward. You would really be of more help after the birth.

Rosecarmel Mon 20-May-19 16:06:04
Every time I read the term "spectator sport" being used to describe birthing, I think back-woods, deliverance-like, incestual-internet-group-think-cowing and just smile etc

What a strange train of thought... ..

I was never invited or even thought about intruding on their special time together. My daughter informed me when babies were born and we made arrangements to visit and help out . I was visiting my daughter in law at her first labour, they went off to hospital and I got a call asking If I would like to visit. I was so excited before visiting I put up balloons and made sure her home was welcoming for them all.Cooked dinner visited, saw my adorable g randaughter then went home to make sure my daughter in law could rest. There were complications, so I stayed to support my son, but never presumed anything. My daughter in law called me when she was in labour with her second child I drove 50 miles to their house at 3am and stayed with my the granddaughter while they went off to hospital. I looked after the eldest , we were in the park when I received a call asking if we would like to visit. We went for a visit then went home to prepare for the new arrival the same day. I made sure a meal was cooked and the housework done, and daughter in law was very happy to see I had done all the jobs she couldn’t and that I was happy just to go along with whatever they needed.

I was not expecting to be asked to be with my DD when she gave birth - I felt that was for her and my SIL alone. Having said that, if she had asked me to be with her I would have been delighted. She and her husband kept me posted all the way through and I was called by her a couple of minutes after my DGS delivery.

When my daughter & sil had their first child, both myself and mil were at the hospital. We sat in the waiting room until my sil came to tell us that the baby had been born. He then went back into the delivery room and spent around 15 mins with his wife before telling us we were welcome to go in. The same thing happened with the second child, but my daughter struggled with the very end stage of labour and delivery. My sil welcomed me into the room with open arms as he knew that I'd be a help not a hinderance. Watching the birth was a fantastic experience, but once the little one was born , I went to the waiting room, leaving them together as a family. Is there a reason why your sil thinks that you'll take over?

Have a quiet word with your daughter beforehand to see why she was shaking her head.If she really wants you nearby she will say.Depending on how far you live from the hospital you could be there quite quickly.They might change their minds once your daughter is in labor so let them know you are flexible.I was not at the birth of my daughters child but got regular updates and by her request was the first to see them afterwards.Ask them as a couple what help they would like afterwards they might appreciate meals and help with housework.

OMG, I would have hated for my mother or anyone else other than DH to be there. To us it was a private thing, meeting our child and bonding together as a new family. Luckily both sets of parents lived 100+ miles away, so they waited for that important phone call. Just listen to what your DD wants.

I didn't know my first grandchild had been born until an hour or so afterwards when my son rang me. To me it is a very intimate moment that should be shared only by the husband and wife. I couldn't wait to finish work and go to see them, they were far more relaxed by then and enjoyed the family meeting the little one. No-one was allowed anywhere near the delivery room in my day.