Help no idea how to handle this situation

I agree with the majority of responders - this is a unique and intimate time for new Mum and Dad to spend together.

We were blessed to be the first in the family to be invited to see our gorgeous GD 2 hours after she was born. DD and SIL sent a text to say someone would like to meet us at xxx hospital. We had no idea DD was in labour ... but were there within 30 minutes of receiving the text

What a shame. He is most likely insecure. Someone should tell your DD that she only has one mother and that in the scheme of things she may not even know what he looks like in five years time.

How secure is their partnership? Something like 75% of boys leave the girl after their curiosity as to how babies are born is satisfied, and then she will need you. I do not know how young your daughter is, but it is clear that many girls fall in 'love' with a boy, get pregnant and then the boy has 9 months of condom free sex at the end of which they get to see a baby being born, then after the birth they do not like the stretch marks and body shape and off they go.

If this is so in your case it would be a good idea to ask as softly and lovingly as you can of your daughter to let you be there so that you will have a wonderful memory of your grandchild which will help you cement a relationship with them both, because they are going to need it.

In my view this is for the mum-to-be to discuss with baby's dad and then for her to make the final decision.

I have been present at the births of several of my language students' babies, but I was more than a little surprised when my youngest daughter informed me that I was to be there at the birth of her first baby and equally surprised that her husband was in agreement. The birth was fairly traumatic (premature baby) and long (28 hours) - and my daughter has few memories of the birth herself. My daughter was widowed shortly afterwards and we're glad that I have memories to share with my grandson about his birth and the part his daddy had to play in it. Since then my daughter has remarried and now has two more children - and I was present at their births too.

My own mother declined to even stay at the hospital with me for any part of my first labour, even though my husband was posted abroad at the time, and I gave birth with just a harried midwife present.

Ask your daughter what she wants! If your son-in-law is not controlling her in some way, she can sort it all out. It sounds as if he's getting a bit nervous about the birth, and is striving to 'be in control' of himself. Probably feels that he has to be the strong one in this situation, and take care of his wife.

Whichever way it goes, you must make sure that your daughter is happy with the arrangements.

And do ask him to ring you when she goes into labour. That's the very least he could do!

And if I were you, (speaking from experience) I would pack a small bag: bottle of water, flannel & soap, hairbrush, and a packet of daughter's favourite biscuits - just in case they change their minds at the last minute!

Good luck, and congratulations, Grandma!

Personally I would have hated my husband or anyone from my family or my husband's family being present at the births of my children. Its OK for the medical or nursing staff to be present but not family, please. Its just too intimatel and I would not want family envisaging the birth and seeing my bits and reliving it ever afterwards in their minds.
But I am a very private person. My daughter, like me, when she had her baby, did not have any family with her and we only got to know she had had the baby when it was actually born,

Annaram1 I expect, like me, you know this is a very old fashioned idea now but I do sometimes wonder if for every new father that enjoys the experience there is another who wishes he hadn't attended. Like you I got on with it with the midwife. I am sure that once Abuelana has spoken with her DD things will be clearer.

Labor is sometimes not as straightforward as we hope it will be. It may not be the best time for company. Just my opinion but I think grandparents should stay home. I was asked to be the dog sitter. I was, therefore, in town with the dogs during my Dil's labor and delivery but not at the hospital. They were so tired that they asked me not to come until the day after my grandson's birth, even though her family did visit that day. A year later, I visit every week. Be patient. It will work out.

What you might do is say to her, "I noticed that while SIL was telling me the birth is going to be just you two, you were shaking your head. I'm curious as to whether this was because you didn't agree with him or whether it was because of something else."

This uses what we call the Advocacy-Inquiry method. It was originally developed to debrief students in simulation, but it works for all sorts of situations. This way you describe the behaviour you saw (Advocacy) but rather than making an assumption, you question what's behind it (Inquiry). It's about getting into someone's headspace while allowing them to tell you exactly what's going on.

If she tells you she doesn't want you there for the birth, please respect that. I'd suggest just letting her know that you'll be waiting for her call, but to call when she feels ready to do so. That way there is no pressure on her.

It's a special bonding time for them. Your turn will come soon enough!

This makes absolute sense to me I like Advocacy - Inquiry I think I will try it out.
Thank you

llizzie2 what?!

No.

It is entirely your DD's decision - men may say 'we are pregnant' but I have never heard of one who says 'we are in labour'.

That’s so true !!

Apart from that if he decides he doesn’t want to be in the delivery room it leaves my daughter alone if all goes well, she will not be alone - she will have at least a midwife with her

Not to mention that some women actually prefer to be alone. I had a mum I cared for once whose labour was being augmented with Pitocin. This meant that I had to be continuously with her in the room. I set up the monitors to run automatically and literally just sat in the corner - had I done anything else, I would have likely interfered with what she needed to do.

A link to this thread is now on Mumsnet - just so you know

Annaram1 I feel as you do.The only person present was my husband, no way would i have had my mum or MIL or even my sister present.If he hadn't been there i would have done it with just medical staff.

I couldn’t find it ?

I was surprised and delighted to be invited to the hospital a couple of hours after my GD was born and was amazed at how much I instantly loved her.

A couple of years later we were looking after her while my daughter gave birth to my GS. We obeyed the precise instructions to take GD to the hospital to meet her new brother. My SIL came into the car park to take her and We then waited to be summoned later! A bit of straight talking is good IMO.

No one wanted me at the birth.......neither daughter nor d.i.l.s
Daughter just had her husband with her. One d.i..l. had her mother and her husband (my son.) with her and the other d.i.l. Just had my son in the delivery room with her.

I think it would be a good idea to have a quiet word with your daughter about why she was shaking her head - is there something that she was unable to vocalise at that point?

If not, or if she doesn't want to share that with you then you need to back off, and I mean that kindly! Let her know that you're available at any time should she change her mind, but ultimately it's something for the 2 of them to sort out.

One final thing - please ignore that post by llizzie2, unless you want to drive a permanent wedge between the 3 of you.

When my son and DiL had their baby, her mother had it in her head that she was going to be in the delivery room with them, even though it wasn't what either of them wanted, and she hadn't been invited to be there. I even overheard her telling her friends that she was going to be in there mopping her daughter's brow! My DiL is very sweet and kind-hearted, and finds it difficult to say things that might upset people, and my son just wants to keep the peace. As it turned out, they had GC overseas and the hospital would only allow fathers in the delivery suite, so she didn't get her own way, thankfully!
I don't see anywhere in your post that you had actually discussed with your daughter and SiL and been invited to the hospital ... had you simply assumed that that was what you would do, without being asked?
A couple having a baby is one of the most special, intimate and emotional times that they will ever experience together. It is for them to share, just the two of them, unless they BOTH decide otherwise. They need to discuss it between themselves, and if they want someone else there they will ask. If you are not asked, then please don't assume that you can go along and be part of what is their special time. I personally don't think you should ask your daughter outright why she was shaking her head, she still may not want to upset you if she doesn't want you there, and she simply felt her husband was being a bit blunt. Much better to simply tell them both that you're sorry if either of them feel that you've overstepped the mark, due to being an excited GM-to-be, and that you're happy to follow their wishes and visit your new grandchild when they are ready to call you. Exciting times ahead!

My daughter had the same scenario. He didn't allow us to come to the hospital until after the birth. They split up when my GD was 6 months old and my daughter regrets not having me there with her as she says "he was no help". It's up to your daughter. Perhaps compromise and say you will sit outside the delivery room until she or he agrees that you can come in?

Agnurse, love the Advocacy-Inquiry method! Abuelana, I'm glad you're going to try it!

Nansmet, FWIW, in Abuelana's second post (on the first page), she tells us, "my daughter has asked us to be near by in the hospital." So it does seem as if there is some conflict between her DD and SIL over this. Hopefully, they will work it out soon.

It should be down to your daughter, and I am sure she will want her Mum there, don't we all at times like that? Especially those of us who were lucky enough to have a fantastic relationship with our Mums. Talk to them both, if over-rules her but it's obvious your daughter wants you there, then ignore him. Why can't your daughter call and let you know when her waters break or labour has begun? You could always just go to the unit and wait quietly, keeping away from your daughter until he or she invites you to see your grandchild. At least you'll know she has delivered safely.