Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

I'm so cross

(82 Posts)
Coolgran65 Wed 04-Dec-19 04:25:55

I don't sleep great, a couple of hours at a time. Usually I'm up for 2 or 3 hours in the middle of the night and sometimes when I go back to bed I go to the spare room so as to try and not disturb my dh too much, sometimes I go back into our bed. Dh understands this. If I would ask did I disturb you much, he'd say No it's ok. I also now have a cough that is likely to be permanent.

Recently my dh hasn't been sleeping well. Awaking several times during the night and taking ages to get back over. He says it's not to do with my comings and goings. He snores.

Tonight I just about awoke myself with a cough and heard my dh muttering ffs.....

I am so cross because I don't say anything when he snores. If his snoring gets too much I just go to the spare room.

Am I wrong to feel cross about his ffs? I don't want to put this into AIBU because that could make it seem a bigger issue than it is. But on the other hand I do feel he was being pretty passive aggressive.....and didn't expect me to hear him say it.

I asked did I wake you and there was no answer, i didn't want to make an issue of his ffs in the middle of the night about his ffs especially if it's just me being over sensitive.
At the minute I'm spitting feathers and feel I want to say to him about it tomorrow.

Usually if we have broken sleep we can lie in but not today as dgc is coming at 8am for childcare.

Am I bring over sensitive at his muttered ffs?

Alima Wed 04-Dec-19 04:48:36

Morning Coolgran65, early isn’t it? No, I don’t think you are being over sensitive. You both sound tired. You say you have a spare room, sounds like the way to go, then you could both get the maximum amount of sleep. I cannot blame DH for me being awake now, it is my awful sleep pattern. We have had separate rooms for a while now, my coughing and fidgeting. His snoring. Works much better this way.

Liz46 Wed 04-Dec-19 05:05:27

It's probably a pretty common problem. I have had a serious problem with my lungs which means that I cough. I was very bad for over a year and went into the spare room but my husband wanted me back in our room.

He snores and I cough! Yes, we disturb each other. I would just let the ffs go if I were you and maybe discuss if you would be better in separate rooms for a few nights? It could give you both a chance to think about whether or not you would both sleep better.

BlueBelle Wed 04-Dec-19 05:42:11

Actually I think you are being, not unreasonable, but over sensitive I d imagine he probably said it automatically without any thought, and half in his sleep
You both seem to sleep badly why not have a few nights in the spare room so you can both get a few nights proper sleep
If he d said it to you in broad daylight and fully alert I d share your annoyance but in this instance I d let it go you asked him if you’d woken him and he didn’t answer don’t you think he was back in 💤land by then or desperately trying to get into it
No point in being angry, being woken when you’re trying to get to sleep or are in a deep sleep makes anyone say anything
No fault on either side just have a few nights apart to try and catch up

Ginny42 Wed 04-Dec-19 06:01:23

You were tired too and possibly feeling more tetchy than usual. He probably won't remember saying it. When we're tired we're not our normal selves.

I live alone now, but if I were you I wouldn't even mention it. Just try to accept it as out of character and sleep in the spare room for a while. Try to persuade him to get something to curb his snoring. I hope your cough doesn't turn out the be permanent.

EllaKeat Wed 04-Dec-19 06:12:29

My DH sometimes snores, very loudly.
If he wakes me, or I should say when he wakes me, I have been known to angrily say ffs before dramatically sweeping the quilt aside and stomping off to the spare room.
I love the bones of him - it is a knee jerk reaction brought on by being unfairly woken. If he was swearing at you through the day like that for disturbing his sleep, that would be very different!

In all kindness, you need to let this go - it really means nothing.

wildswan16 Wed 04-Dec-19 08:18:35

To be fair, your coughing probably does disturb him but he understands you can't help it and doesn't make an issue of it.

I think many of us mutter things in our sleepy state. Just let it go. It's not as if he woke up and yelled it at you.

Urmstongran Wed 04-Dec-19 08:31:37

I think he understands you can’t help coughing but it was passive aggressive of him - that said I’d probably feel like that too after a few nights! He’s tired. So are you.

You know it disturbs him so take turns sleeping in the spare room. You because you cough, him because he snores. Fair's fair!

ginny Wed 04-Dec-19 08:34:38

If you are disturbing reach other and both feeling crochety NYANBU. Being woken up is obviously bothering him so why doesn’t he go in the spare room ? I ‘m really not sure why people are so worried about sleeping separately.

EllanVannin Wed 04-Dec-19 08:39:50

I'd have told him it was his snoring that woke you in the first place-----just to get back at him.

kircubbin2000 Wed 04-Dec-19 08:41:25

Separate rooms are the answer.It's great to have your own space and privacy.

sodapop Wed 04-Dec-19 09:15:06

I agree with BlueBelle no point in dwelling on something said whilst half asleep. Separate rooms are definitely the way to go, we have done this for a long time now as we have different sleep patterns and illness.

Yehbutnobut Wed 04-Dec-19 09:23:31

We have had separate rooms for a while. It doesn’t mean anything except that we both get a better nights sleep.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-19 09:30:50

We have similar problems. Separate rooms here too.

Bridgeit Wed 04-Dec-19 09:32:20

I image A lot of FFSakes are uttered during the long nights of sleep deprivation, it’s a release mechanism .
It’s natural to feel a little hurt at his FFSakes , but understandable that it is uttered , try not to take it to heart.

Hetty58 Wed 04-Dec-19 09:34:09

It's pointless being angry about half-asleep mutterings! My daughter shouts out at night (always has done) often swearing like a trooper - but we're used to it by now!

NotSpaghetti Wed 04-Dec-19 09:55:05

I also believe BlueBelle is right.
It's a half-asleep minor irritation that was accidentally spoken instead of thought.
Let it go.
I hope you both sleep better tonight.

janeainsworth Wed 04-Dec-19 09:55:26

Forgive him Coolgran. As others have said, he was probably only half awake & didn’t mean anything by it.
I’ve been known to utter similar sentiments in the middle of the night but would never dream of using such expressions in fully-awake mode 🙂

Pudding123 Wed 04-Dec-19 09:59:55

I think other GNers are right we are all grumpy when tired so I would let it go but it seems to be such a common problem in so many women of a certain age.I had a night last weekend I did not go to sleep at all I was at the DRs the day after and mentioned it to her she was completely disinterested and said as we get older (65)we don't need as much sleep!

Gonegirl Wed 04-Dec-19 10:01:55

I think you should forgive the one little ffs, but if any more come then it's time to suggest he moves into the spare room.

EllieB52 Wed 04-Dec-19 10:02:52

I sympathise with both of you. My husband used to snore all the time so I had to resort to earplugs which worked a treat (the wax ones from Boots). It helped a lot except when he ramped up the volume! Then I threw away his feather pillows and bought some from JL which had the same feel but were a synthetic filling. Presto! The snoring stopped which indicated an allergic reaction. Trouble is I still wear the earplugs as I’m so used to them. If either of us gets a cold (coughing etc) he takes himself to the spare room for the duration. Sleep is very important!! I suspect if you mention the ffs he’ll probably deny it and it could escalate. Let it go this time.

polnan Wed 04-Dec-19 10:04:06

well, I moved into our small back room , occasionally, cos dh disturbed me with his snoring, I must have disturbed him with my bathroom visiting...

we both slept the better for it...

and it was good for us... I understand lots of "couples" sleep in separate bedrooms, I was brought up that we slept in the same bed! WRONG! what is good for both of you, a better sleep.

Saggi Wed 04-Dec-19 10:11:52

Husband,Very loud Snoring ,retired from work ...me having to get up at 5.30 am for work...I used to go into spare room , otherwise I would be worn out as I suffer insomnia.
Also he has restless leg syndrome .... altogether hopeless situation so eventually it was separate bedrooms . We’ve both never slept better, and it’s been ten years and wouldn’t go back. Definitely recommended.

Jue1 Wed 04-Dec-19 10:13:59

Said in half sleep.. tired and thoughtless. Nothing to write home about. Being tired can change our personality into grumps but it’s only passing. Move on.. 😉

Lilyflower Wed 04-Dec-19 10:19:18

I do not think you are being oversensitive and, probably, 'FFS,' would not have been uttered if there was no one to hear it. My DH makes an almnighty fuss about things if he thinks there's an audience but doean't bother if he thinks he's on his own.

You need to wait until you are both rested and in a good mood and then point out that you have, on numerous occasions, been disturbed and awakened by your DH and, to spare disturbing him, have silently removed yourself to another room. He has grumped on the one occasion you have accidently woken him. This is assymetrical and unjust.

If he doesn't take your feelings into account I suggest that, whenever he awakens you again by snoring, you gently wake him up and politely point out that he is disturbing your sleep.

He will soon learn that he has no right to attack you when he is being far worse.