What to Do For The Best??

It’s so hard. I sometimes wonder if we support them too much and they expect that we always will, whereas if we had not they might have been forced to take care of themselves more. BUT, what parent would stand there and not help, if they were able to? I feel your pain and can only offer sympathy.

Tartlet Faced with a tragedy like yours, you are in a very different situation to the OP. Nothing has been said to suggest that her daughter has suffered major trauma or is mentally or physically ill.

What OP has done is what every loving parent wants to do and that is help their child in a crisis. But sometimes what starts as crisis help becomes a prop that enables a child to avoid the negative effects of the unsuitable life style they are leading and at that point, then it is sensible for the parents to withdraw the support that is enabling that inapproriate behaviour, whatever its form.

Both our children have faced health crisises that could have ended up with us having to provide them with essential ongoing support, which we would willingly have done. But that is very different to supporting them indefinitely when their problems are entirely self-inflicted.

It is all so hard. I have 6 children and 8 grandchildren. All but one are just lovely. But one of our sons is now in jail after going down the path of drugs and alcohol. They were all raised the same, same values etc but for some reason, some people just choose the wrong path. I have tried not to blame myself and not go over what I could have done differently etc. None of my either children will have anything to do with him which I quite understand.

Sometimes you have to be tough and let them go. Both you and she need counselling but different reasons. You have done all that you can for her and the children. I can tell you honestly that this never ends unless you put something into place for yourself. Sending you my warmest thoughts. It is such a difficult thing to do to tell your children enough is enough

I really feel for your situation. My Stepson is 27 and has three children aged 8, 5 and 3. The eldest is actually not his biological child, but he came into her life when she was 15 months old and she sees him as her father and we love her as our own.

He and the children’s mother had a very acrimonious split almost two years ago and for five months we and he were prevented from seeing the children. This was eventually sorted out through the Court.

My Stepson loves the children but is basically lazy and when the children come 95% of their care is down to me no matter what I do to persuade/force/encourage him to step up to the plate. Their mother is a disgrace and is constantly at the attention of Social Services for neglect.

The problem is that the children are stuck in the middle. The 8 year old has provided the majority of the care for her siblings since they were born. Whilst she loves them dearly and all three are very close, it breaks my heart that she has been putting them to bed etc since she was about 5.

The children end up being stuck in the middle and so trying to force adult children to step up to the plate as you remove the safety net is easier said than done. I completely understand your dilemma and situation. Having had the children every other weekend for the whole weekend since things were resolved through Court has been lovely but exhausting as DH and I both work full time (especially as DH only gets seven weekends off a year). We have just said to my Stepson that we will only be having the children once a month and he has to have the children at his ex’s the other weekends.

We had to do it, we were getting so run down, but it will fall on my poor eldest granddaughter to look after her siblings, so not an easy step at all.

I have no real advice to offer, just wanted to offer my support for your situation and pass on my best wishes. I really hope things work out for you ?

Daisymae said ... You don't condone her behaviour yet you facilitate it by constantly having her children so that she can be footloose. I wonder if it time to pull back and let her shoulder the responsibility. She has made her choices.

I agree with Daisymae ... you are facilitating your daughter's behaviour. She is the mother of two young boys, and needs to act more responsibly. I can understand that what you are doing, you are doing out of love for your daughter and grandchildren, but it's really not helping in the long run.

You loan her money, bail her out when she's in trouble, and have the grandchildren most weekends to enable her to go out and behave promiscuously. She now finds herself in this difficult situation, and no doubt thinks that mum will come to the rescue and make it all alright again.

Adult child, or not, I'd be having a serious talk with her and leave her in doubt that whilst I love her very much, and I will always be here for her, but I am very disappointed with the way she conducts her life, and the situation she now finds herself in. I'd tell her that's it's time she grew up, and acted like a responsible mother, as those two little boys deserve better.

I'd support her with whatever decision she makes about the pregnancy, but I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that things need to change. It is not your responsibility to continually bail out your daughter ... when will it all end? Probably never, if you continue to do it ...

When the time is right it would be good for this young woman to have a chance to make something of her life and train for something she could commit to. This way her chances of earning a better wage are increased. Maybe when the children are at school/nursery. It is probable that her self esteem is low and is boosted by short lived affairs. As well as counselling as has been suggested it would be good for her to find a group that can help her build confidence. Anything that helps her grow as a person will have a positive impact for her children. It seems as well as supporting your grandchildren you may need to play a role in supporting your daughter to find positive support too. She is still young and can make something good with her life. Best wishes

Hello NannaMilly1
I can identify with the issues and you have not done anything wrong although looking for reasons often mean we question ourselves - particularly the feeling of worry , disappointment at the rejection of what we regard as sensible decent values as well as feeling helpless in terms of getting our errant offspring back on track. However your daughter has made choices which have impacted upon her present and future life choices and life style. She might have a few mental health problems, even if these are hidden from you, as promiscuity can be a sign of depression and low self esteem, particularly if she is aware that her life style does not meet the family's expectations. There is no obvious way to make her more responsible, deep down she probably already knows she is being irresponsible. The only suggestion I can give is try not to be a 'facilitator' - you will want to help and offer guidance but say to yourself, am I facilitating this continuous pattern of behaviour. It is very difficult not to judge but sometimes the help offered can be aimed at promoting responsibility. if she has money worries, try to help her by setting up payment plans with her creditors rather than offering to pay off her debts, try to have a baby sitting pattern that supports her working rather than socialising. Encourage her to attend parenting classes and encourage her to get some qualifications, there is some support for single mothers to go to university or train for a career, if she can be motivated to do so, as there is no point getting in to student debt unless she will stick at the course, support her in her efforts to sort herself out - you can not do everything for her no matter how much you worry.

Nannamilly1, I haven't replied until now as I instantly disliked your attitude towards your daughter. It showed deep disrespect for another adult. I'm surprised that anyone would want to talk about their daughter like that. i just hope that you don't say these things to her face!

The way I see it? Some people are lucky and have an easy life. Others are unfortunate. It's just too easy to victim-blame. Why do women get blamed (even by their mothers) and not the unreliable men who desert them?

Who do I feel sorry for? The 'sensible', cautious ones who never, ever, take a chance, never trust - and fail to live a life at all!