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You every wonder what did you do wrong?

(48 Posts)
7of3 Thu 12-Dec-19 12:03:47

My daughter was so very close to me, like you couldn’t cut the strings. Although I raised her very independent she always lived for me to be around. But now she goes through these stages of distance. She doesn’t answer the phone or hardly text back. The last couple months I tried to come visit she had one excuse after another. Then I was flying in late, I live far from airport and said I was stay the night at her place. All was okay. When I got to their place I had the code to get in and went to the guest bedroom. There was an ornament in a gift bag. A picture of a sonogram that said Santa baby! I was so happy. They need another child because the whole world revolves around the first. I text her about it and do they know the sex. She tells me that morning not to talk about it because J wants to tell me 🤦🏻‍♀️. So I wait, I go to church with them, lunch and spend time and no word about it. I love my grandson but they let him do what every, tell everyone to stop talking, demands it, kicks the back seat (he rules where we sit), throws things, does what ever he wants to be distractive, plus got a pen and marked on my purse. It is stressful to visit and her is a wreck. I use to clean for her but gave up. J ask me why I am not staying longer but I have responsibilities and have a long drive (plus it’s stressful). Before leaving I ask again about the baby sex, daughter says I guess you’ll have to come again for him to tell you 🤦🏻‍♀️.
This is frustrating, they need to have that baby as a daily conversation with him or I’m afraid he’ll be unruly to it.
Ok, I went against all rules and texted her my feelings (she will not answer the phone bc J needs all her attention). I wrote;
“I know you are over worked and have a lot on your plate but it bothers me how distant you’ve been. I’ve taught you all to be independent maybe too much and will minded. One needs to watch what they reap, when your children grow they will be the same if not more. I always try to give you the importance of family being around with aunt Ellen & uncle Grady, and believe we went to see them 98% the time and always accepted a call. I am your mom so you can’t keep me that distant.
I worry that Jax needs more guidance on how to act, it is stressful that everything goes in a child’s control. Do you think all the sudden a baby comes he will be passive. The disrespect of spitting, kicking, throwing, and destroying property will not just all the sudden go away. As I mention, you all need to have this baby a daily part of your life now in conversation maybe in play.

So your place will be nice for your new boarder I’d like to come over and help you a day clean, pick up & help out. Jax can participate, we can make it a game. Believe or not I’m getting older I’d like to be around more but my eyes or nerves can’t take the long crazy city traffic driving & I get tired easily. It’s not the same so everything is slower. I just want to help some way.
Love you, J & dH 🤗💕😘”
The new grandbaby is due in mid March. Now I fear she’ll never reach out.

jannxxx Thu 12-Dec-19 12:09:25

tough one, your dammed if you say anything and feel bad if you done, i have a good friend and her child is a ferral child he shouts, scream, throws plates in cafes, swears, and has a bad temper, shes pregnant and think when the baby comes it will all work out, myself and others have stopped inviting them over because the childs so bad, she never corrects him, and i can do without it, so suppose just let daughter know your there if they need you and good luck

SirChenjin Thu 12-Dec-19 12:49:17

Crikey - why on earth did you do that? shock And more importantly, why did you do it by text?? You've effectively told her that you didn't do a good job of raising her, she's a sh*t parent, that she's doing everything wrong and your grandson is a horror. I wouldn't blame her if she told you to shove your offer of 'help'.

I hope that this doesn't cause a huge rift, and FGS, if you've got something to say in future, say it (nicely, kindly and constructively) to her face.

7of3 Thu 12-Dec-19 12:55:25

Yes I wondered 🤦🏻‍♀️ But she will not answer a phone call and I live 2 hours away. She is very controlling so why not her son 😕.

moggie57 Thu 12-Dec-19 12:59:44

text messages often comes out wrong .mine often sounds like i am having a go at someone. TALK to your daughter .dont hide behind a phone. go again and start help clearing up ,ask her what she would like help with .even get gs to help tidy up, give him jobs to do. if he has a tantram let him get on with it and ignore him..just be there for new baby. its up to them to share news of the baby. does it really matter what sex it is ,as long as baby is healthy......oh and by the way my d is often d with me .she not the loving warm girl i raised .but thats what this generation is, i dont hear from my d all week. sometimes i just see her at church.i used to call my mum every few days .but these days children dont. so make it happen .call her on sunday evening and listen to her .not you tell her how things should be. she has her life to lead...

SirChenjin Thu 12-Dec-19 13:00:04

With all due respect - and I know we all do things we regret - you could have waited until the next time you see her.

"She is very controlling" - which is how you're coming over with that text. Why, oh why did you send it?!!

Madgran77 Thu 12-Dec-19 13:13:44

As you have sent it about another text saying something along the lines if ..."I have just reread my last text to you. I was trying to be honest and open because I love you, but I think it comes over as ....(however you want to describe it)! Please can we have a chat soon, I truly don't want to fall out as you are all precious to me, and I want to hear your perpective and support you all in anyway that you feel would be helpful, if I can xx" Or something similar

lavenderzen Thu 12-Dec-19 13:16:35

I know you want to help, but I think you said too much in your text. Texts are funny things, what is said in them comes across not quite how you intended it to do.

The disruptive little one is perhaps acting up because of the thought of a new baby and feels threatened. Maybe mother is doing the best she can, little ones can be trying at the best of times.

I would let things settle and then send a card with a few words saying how pleased you are they are having a new baby and that you would be very happy to help out if needed. End with how much you love them all and are looking forward to hearing from them.

I wish you well.

Madgran77 Thu 12-Dec-19 13:19:14

....or send a card saying similar to what I suggested in my previous post!

SirChenjin Thu 12-Dec-19 13:25:58

I think that's a good suggestion from Madgran. If it were me I'd also add an apology for being so insensitive.

Gonegirl Thu 12-Dec-19 13:26:34

I sent a similar letter like that to myelder daughter years ago. grin She totally ignored it. Never a word was mentioned. grin

Don't worry. She will probably take it on the chin. Things might even get better. You are right about the toddler needing to be more involved with the baby. Once the baby is here life will not revolve around him quite so much.

Enjoy your family [tchsmile}

Gonegirl Thu 12-Dec-19 13:27:38

tchsmile There's a better one for you

Davidhs Thu 12-Dec-19 13:27:41

In with both feet!, it’s going to take a long time to mend fences, start off by apologizing now.

Hithere Thu 12-Dec-19 13:37:05

There was an ornament in a gift bag. "A picture of a sonogram that said Santa baby! I was so happy. They need another child because the whole world revolves around the first."

This is not your business. The amount of children they have and why they have them is not for you to comment.

You clearly do not like your daughter's parenting or housekeeping skills. You judge her very harshly

The message you sent her is just wrong. Telling her how yo parent, how she did not become the daughter you wanted (aka educated her to be), what you want...

Another case of a grandma who is overinvolved and controlling

Gonegirl Thu 12-Dec-19 13:45:38

Aww. I think it's quite a lovely letter. It's not spiteful, and it's not demanding. If we don't tell our offspring how we are feeling, how will they know? I don't think you said anything out of order. It's just a letter to a loving mum to a loving daughter.

Please don't take too much notice of the bitter, angry ones on here. I think their lives might be different from the majority.

Gonegirl Thu 12-Dec-19 13:46:53

Are normal relationships really that fragile? confused

Hithere Thu 12-Dec-19 14:08:05

No, they are not that fragile. They can be very strong - like OP's and her dd

But again, that letter is like a bazooka.

kircubbin2000 Thu 12-Dec-19 14:09:16

You sound American. That may explain it.

Hithere Thu 12-Dec-19 14:10:37

Rofl. I am very much European, born and raised.

Gonegirl Thu 12-Dec-19 14:10:56



SirChenjin Thu 12-Dec-19 14:10:58

You’re confusing ‘fragile‘ for ‘mutually respectful’ Gone

I’m not going to react your bitter/angry pot stirring as this is about the OP.

Gonegirl Thu 12-Dec-19 14:11:25

I think K means the OP.

Gonegirl Thu 12-Dec-19 14:12:41

I'll ignore that Sirchenjin. It doesn't even make sense.

7of3 Thu 12-Dec-19 14:24:16

Thank you. Like I mention, she will not take a phone call.
I thought about this and putting it more in her court so I can move on. Texted:
“ I hope I didn’t offend you in anyway. I thought about this sad. I pray before I push send then go with my gut feeling. I apologize if it all came out wrong. Jax is a sweet boy and means well plus full of love, just like many can get out of hand. Love you all and excited about the family addition. 🤗💕😘”

SirChenjin Thu 12-Dec-19 14:28:48

That's a very good text 7of3 - hopefully she'll take that in the spirit in which it's meant smile. Take care with those texts in future wink