Mean Grandparents

I wasn't meaning to tell @MumofOne to use those words! Those are my words and I don't lie to my children that's all! Whatever age appropriate truth fits the situation. The deep truth in my case is much much worse so I answer questions with general truth not nasty upsetting specifics x

I would perhaps beef up her presents this year and do something special, like bake cookies or pie together.
Just shower her with love. Grandparents are an amazing addition to a full life. But they aren't necessary. I hope your parents are just very practical people, living their own lives. They might just be oblivious. Maybe you could talk to them? They don't know they are being weird. But they are unlikely to change.

I do sincerely hope they leave you their money when they are gone.

And I hope they'd run to you if you needed help.

Oh yes! And I had two sets of grandparents. The maternal set were very involved. The paternal set gave us 50 dollars at christmas and we barely saw them except when my parents were separated and my dad dumped us on his mother at times. Otherwise? Nowhere to be found. Some grandparents are not good at reaching out in general and just sit and wait. They live their own lives...
Now, my only grandparents are the paternal set, and I've gravitated towards them as an adult! They make no efforts to call me, but they are very happy when I'm around. So...maybe your daughter needs to get older and if she wants, she'll forge her own relationship with them.

I don't think it's that important at all (unless you make it so). All families are different, and yes, your daughter will compare and notice that.

My paternal grandparents died before I was born, my maternal gran when I was five, then Grandad when I was sixteen. I remember getting 'pocket money' when we visited and little presents - but overall the love and friendship were what counted.

The blood ties are irrelevant, really. My 'uncle and aunt' (not real relations, but friends of my father) were in touch a lot more.

I had to protect my kids from my own mother (with MH problems) but my sister was loving and generous when they were little. So, families are different, that's all!

My neighbour was complaining about her lack of grandchildren. (I have six.) Her only son is living with a much older woman (has done so for years) and she sees no prospect whatsoever of 'the Virgin Mary' (as she calls her) ever producing a baby. She longs for a child to cuddle and spoil. Life just isn't fair, is it?

Depending on how "mature" your DD is, perhaps you could sit down together and have an honest chat about what/how/why your parents are like this, and why they are the grandparents that they are? In my experience, children can understand (and accept) a lot, if loving parents are clear and honest with them. Obviously this depends on your DD, but you might be able to outline the situation in very simple terms, making it clear that it's not her fault - they are just like that?

We had this happen and it does feel hurtful. In our case their were other grandchildren that got treated very differently.
We tried to save a little money on the lead up to Christmas so that there would be a few more presents under the tree. It resulted in us becoming a very close small family and even now my sons are adults this remains the same. I'm lucky that I now have a DGD and I have been able to spend a lot of time with her and treat her very differently to the way my sons were treated. My sons now have no contact with their grandmother but I do feel sorry they missed out on loving grandparents.

She sounds like a horrible MIL Hetty so it's probably just as well....

@Davida1968 that is the most important! That little girl should never think it's her fault x

If the occasion arises, I think I would have a conversation with your daughter that "it's sad granny and grandpa don't join in with birthdays and Christmas isn't it? I'm not sure why they're like that, but they miss out on all our fun. We'll just have to make our fun and happy times won't we".

They clearly aren't going to change at this stage of their lives, and one way or another your daughter is going to have to live with that.

As long as your daughter does not get the idea in her head that your parents are like this because of something she has/hasn't done then don't worry too much. Just tell her that all families are different, and that lack of attention of presents from her grandparents does not mean they love her any less, they are just different.

First of all I would ask what does your daughter make as presents for her grandparents? It should be a two-way process. this giving malarkie.
Does it really matter about presents? Surely, you can find several smallish stocking fillers and wrap those to go under the tree. The fun is seeing parcels, trying to guess from shape what is in them, and then unwrapping - not what is actually in them.
I had three grandparents alive for most of my childhood - and none of them would have dreamed of sending me or any of their other g.children presents either at christmas or at our birthdays. Indeed, a birthday card was not always sent.
Never upset me, never thought about it - usually gave them my latest school photo for christmas.
Think there is far too much emphasis on presents in the current christmas celebrations.
My ex-hubbie (not at all hard-up) never sends as much as a birthday card to any of our g.children, let alone presents. Only rarely does he manage to send a card to our adult children. At Christmas he gives each of those a money present - exactly the same amount for each of them, regardless of whether or not they have children. He says it is up to them if they use any of it for their children (his g.children).
Why do not you talk to your parents about this matter - find out how they feel and if they just feel that the whole christmas thing has got to commercialised and they do not want to be part of it - then respect their wishes.
Your daughter is on the edge of entering teenage years and then on to adulthood, there will be far greater disappointments in her life, than missing out on a few presents from her g.parents.

You really are not alone. You won’t change then. Don’t bang on about them just be polite. Some people. give presents ,some people it does not occur to them that others do. It’s a shame but so are lots of things in life.
Some grandparents buying presents is a form of control and buying attention . That’s no better than the ones that buy next to nothing.
I know someone who asked the tight grandparents if it would help if she actually bought this years gift if they gave her the money to do it. Personally I would not be bothered to ask them because they would take offence and things would be even worse!

I know it's all been said but I agree that it isn't very important and you can always make it up to your DD.

I was given a very rich Godmother (I suspect my DP thought I would come into good fortune!) Instead this person never gave me presents except once and I can still remember my DM watching me open the small parcel in excited anticipation only to find it was a cheap ballpoint pen!
There you go! No wonder she was rich.

I don't go in for big presents either and our DGC will open silly, funny little parcels mostly 2nd hand, from us. They have too many toys and I prefer to take them out somewhere or pay for tickets or buy a game for the whole family.
My DGS abroad has had money put into his account for later. His DP will give him a book, from "us"

I don't think it's Christmas thats bothering you really, it's more that Christmas highlights the issue for you.

Maybe you need to think about what kind of relationship with your parents you want to have. No rush for anything to happen, December 25th isn't a deadline.

Think about what you had with them growing up, were they kind ? did you feel loved and valued ? did they have time for you ?

Are they in your life now ?

If the answers are yes then brilliant, that's the kind of people you want in your daughters life regardless of presents.

Now you just need to build on your relationship with your parents that include your present life and family. ... If the answers to the questions weren't positive then let it go, your daughter is no worse for not having them in your life.

It's such a shame when this happens but unfortunately it's not uncommon. Your DD will have realised that something isnt right and so I would just ask her what she thinks about what's happening.
What were your parents like with you when you were growing up? If they weren't very paternal with you then they won't be with your daughter

Maybe just tell her every family is different and leave it at that.

I felt very sad when reading your post. Do you know any “older” people in your area who are genuine and may be rather lonely, who have never had any grandchildren of their own? Perhaps they would love to “adopt” a grandchild? It was just a thought and you may not think it a good idea. I hope you and your daughter manage to have a lovely Christmas and I am sending you lots of love. xx

Well she may be old enough to hear the words you used to title your post "You grandparents are a bit mean". At least then she won't think it's something to do with her not being a nice enough child. I don't agree with the people who say make excuses for them - why would you lie to your daughter?

Er, I meant to add you can still point out any of their good points if they have any.

Sometimes we all just have to accept people as they are, and I know how hard that is at times. My AC and GC have all accepted that situation with my ex. My eldest son says his father just has a “parental chip” missing, and has no empathy for how he makes others feel. We’ve 5 GC and the eldest is 18, yet my ex has never babysat, taken them out, treated them, not even an ice cream in 18 years. I resisted the urge to criticise him, but as they became older and asked questions I just told them the facts. I tried to tactfully speak to my ex to let him know just how much he is missing out on, I wasted my breath, but at least he knows how we all feel. His son by his 2nd wife even says the same about him ! There is nothing wrong with letting your parents know how you feel, but inevitably if they don’t feel the same you have to accept that and just do all you can to ensure that your DD and any GC have the best Mum/Nan in the world .... as I have.

Were your parents parents (your grandparents) the same with you at Christmas? Just wandering if your parents had the same experienced if grandparents not bothering about giving gifts. Also, as you are into recycling as gifts perhaps your parents don't want to offend by buying something 'new' or feel a lot of Christmas gifts just end up in landfill which may go against your policy. As it is, you have to go with the situation, very much doubt you can change it. You have to be honest with your DD in that her GPs do not give gifts. Perhaps indulge her a little more yourself with a few extra items to make up the "missing" parcels.

Some other posters have suggested what I think I would do if I was in your situation. Of course you want to protect your daughter but you can do this by gently having a quiet giggle about their "gift buying skills".
My mother-in-law is rubbish at this, even when she asks what people like she buys something else. I do realise that your parents have taken this to a different level but the "sensible gloves for everyone" year (sizes obviously wrong) when most were teenagers is still remembered 25/30 years on.

I'd have a little guessing game as to what they might buy. We used to. Soap? An "old person" diary? A notebook?

Your lovely daughter will survive and as others have said, once she's older they may be more interested anyway.
Involve her in the "what to buy for grandparents" discussion and I think it will be fine.

Regarding playing games and just enjoying children, some grandparents just would never do this, but YOU can, so enjoy the Christmas break and build your own happy family memories along the way.

My children are now 18 and 19. Their paternal grandmother has never shown an interest in them. They aren't affected by it, and do love her in their own way. The sad reality is they won't miss her when she's gone.

My 10yr DS also won’t have lots of family presents under the tree because he has no grandparents. They’re all dead.
He used to occasionally wonder what having grandparents might be like when other children talk about visiting theirs or he sees them collect their grandchildren from school. However, I don’t think it’s a big issue unless you make it into one.
Teach her (and yourself) to think in terms of her cup being half full, not half empty.
I want my DS growing up to appreciate his good fortune living in a warm house with plenty of food, having good friends and parents that are around and love him.
Instead of looking enviously at others, take the opportunity to talk about how children in some parts of the U.K. are homeless, having to rely on food banks or living in parts of the world where they have no clean water to drink.