controlling DIL--desperate for support/advice

im on their side.
you sound over-involved and controlling.
look at the emotive language you use. describing the DIL as controlling, saying you were a punch-bag, had to walk on egg shells etc. you were obviously annoying them during the pregnancy but they had more important things to cope with than spend energy trying to deal with you then. so they had to tolerate it. now the child is home, in their care, away from the hospital, their first concern is keeping him well. that is probably why they don't want anyone else kissing him, he may be extra vulnerable to infection. also he may have sensory issues, his skin may be hyper-sensitive thus making everyday contact painful.
they may seem over-protective to you, but that is their prerogative, they are the parents not you. also I know it can be very distressing to even have to mention the details of health problems that a dear LO has, so they may not have told you about all the issues.
anyway, whether or not its health related, they have the absolute right to parent him how they choose. they don't have to give reasons, or justify it. you talk about what you did in your fmily, kissing, playing etc. that is all irrelevant. you present it as the norm from which they are unreasonably deviating. that is the problem. your attitude, sense of entitlement is the problem. leave them alone. try to respect their decisions. you are heading for complete NC if you continue with this toxic dynamic.
I don't doubt you love the GS, but that's not enough. til he can choose and go where he likes, you can only see him with the permission of his parents. and if you never see him because you have alienated them with your attitude, then he will not be bothered to go see you when he is grown.
sorry to be blunt. but you sound rather thick skinned. your choice is stark; do you want to be in contact with GS or not.

Your poor DIL. I agree with hithere. I think you’ve found sly ways to make clear to DIL how ‘unreasonable’ and ‘unfair’ she is. She’s not controlling she’s being a mum. If your husband wants to guarantee you never see or speak to your son and his family again; go right ahead and let him Tell them off for their ‘disrespect’. See how far it gets you

Your DIL doesn’t owe you a sleep over because you kitted out a nursery. She doesn’t owe you a visit because she’s ‘nearby’ visiting her doctor. Her priority is her health and her unborn baby’s health. Not your feelings of fairness. Your son is being a good husband and father and caring for his wife. If you want honest feedback on your behavior it’s doubtful you’ll get it from your spouse or other children. I’d suggest a therapist, someone close in age to your DIL. As this stage your DIL needs to save all of her emotional and physical energy to care for her LO
And growing baby, not assuaging your emotional demands.

AngelD I really believe that there is a need for careful listening and consideration of behaviours for all involved in this scenario. Worried upset hurting grandparents have made mistakes but so have stressed worried parents! I really hope that you can sort it all out.

My sip had her first just over a year ago 6 weeks premature and is similar. He's a lovely.boy but he is very behind and there is clearly some sort of development issue there. We had our second a few months later and that's when issue started for us.

There is nothing you can do except give them space but continue to show you care. Send the odd text asking how they all are an dhow the pregnancy is and when you do see them, just treasure the time.

Thank you for all your feedback.
A couple of clarifications.
“Gravitating toward me”: meaning, in group/family situations he’ll come to me first before anyone else. When crawling around, he looks to find me if he’s surrounded by too many unfamiliar people. Of course he’ll go to his parents first! It just gives me a warm feeling that, even though I don’t see him often, he remembers me well.
Our relationship with DIL: we were second parents to her. We travelled together, lots of camping, as per request, we’d go stay with them to help them with their new house, etc. Since she’s pregnant again, I do everything wrong. The sad part is, I’m constantly asking and she doesn’t say anything at the time. Two months later it comes up. Apparently my son told her not to worry about the small stuff, but she told me she holds grudges for a long time.
I understand her need to be with her mom, and, maybe it would be less painful if they hadn’t promised to keep the visits equal between her parents and us.
And yes, I believe she’s hypersensitive, but I do think it’s my son’s responsibility to reassure her that we honestly don’t mean any harm and are doing our best. Once told, we never repeat anything again that we’re told not to do.
My DMIL and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but I made sure to keep the visits as equal as possible so that there wasn’t any resentment. My DH would’ve flipped if his parents didn’t see their GC as much as mine. I suffered severely from PPD and just had to suck it up.
However, we are keeping our distance. For now, neither of us are planning to lend a hand or provide them with anything. All I can say is that they could’ve never bought their own house if it wasn’t for us.

It's impossible to keep thing equal without giving up family time.

We tried this when dd1 was little and we found that we spent most of our weekends with one family or the other and not getting enough time together.

You don't know what is going on in your dils head, how much she is struggling, it's not about you or what you have done or given. Let her heal. You had a great relationship before, let her get through this traumatic time and hopefully things will go back to how they were. They won't if you hold grudges as you accuse her of doing the same. As a mum I give my children what I can, I wouldn't tell anonymously what that is let alone hold it over my children now or in the future. We are the parents, we brought them into the world, but we don't own them and they done owe us.

You are avoiding the main question - what is the list of grievances your dil shared with you

Your MIL and you managed your relationship in one way. The fact that your dh didn't stand up for you and supported you vs his mother is shameful.

What you did is in the past. You are not your MIL and your dil is not you.

Hmmm I posted about an MIL stopping by unannounced.
I think it has over 200 replies, including lots of responses from me under ask a gran...

I'm sorry to hurt your feelings but you sound a tiny bit paranoid and over bearing.

I had a baby and then my in-laws started being a bit too possessive and around too much without considering me and my baby's time together. They've felt pushback and are better now.

My advice:

Have zero expectations and you won't be disappointed.

Buying stuff for a nursery shouldn't mean they owe you anything. Helping them with the house was a lovely thing to do, but you can't own their time or their offspring.

If my MIL started asking me what was wrong all the time, I'd avoid her. I wouldn't want to be stressed out by all that questioning. I'd want an easy relationship. And admittedly, my easy relationships are with MY family. Stress free, fun and light.

Don't kiss the kid (herpes, germs) and only feed him when and what they say to feed him (when in doubt, ask/text).

My MIL is a bit too insistent on her own way. She wants everything just so because it is often a lovely solution, but NOT what I want, need or ask for at the time (i.e. insisting that I have tea she's made instead of the water I've asked for...or insisting I eat warmed food rather than giving me room temperature food that I've requested several times because the baby can't wait for it to be heated). Insisting I stay an extra few minutes to look through blankets to select for the baby while my child is about to explode.

My own family have zero attachment to my responses and do exactly what I ask them to do. No more. No less.

I would call the MIL to ask her to come hold the baby in the afternoon and she'd show up 2 hours early.... So I stopped calling to ask.

We told her about the baby getting a vaccine, so she texted, called AND tried to drop by while I was dealing with my screaming baby. No. We haven't told her about any more vaccinations or appointments. It's too much checking up on me. If I tell my own family about the vaccines, they'll shoot me a quick text. They know that if I need them, I'll ask.

With my family, there is no clinging to me out of insecurity or demanding or expecting anything of me.

These are small things, but these annoyances = a headache for an already overloaded mother of a young baby. As a new mom, I don't want to deal with ANYTHING remotely difficult, stressful or annoying.

Follow her lead because if you insist, she will resist.

If you want to arrange something, text the DIL and say something like "if you are free sometime soon, perhaps after your next appointment, please come for lunch. I'd love to see you.." or something to that effect.

I will say that my in-laws became very concerned with my baby after the birth and not at all with me. Whereas my own family is visiting me and the baby. There is a difference.

Oh and don't ask too many questions. Let her volunteer information.

ok this is not a comment on OP, ive tried to do that upthread. just some generalised observations from much reading of GN and MN, and RL.
mothers always blame DIL. its never their son's fault, whatever it is. the DIL is controlling, cold, distant, unreasonable, even greedy by hogging newborn baby.
MIL adores, to the point of idolatry the GC, esp GS. they have to get past the nasty DIL to get to adorable GC.
whatever their son says/ does the DIL has made him do it.

Rather than beating them over the head with your idea of fair why not release your resentment and accept equal and fair are t the same thing??

Maybe view that your son has done nothing wrong, rather your DH should just calm down and you both should just do as they ask?

Norah you both should just do as they ask?

Yes but the parents do actually need to communicate what they want as well. GPs cant work it all out by Osmosis!!

Madgran77 She said that her son "got mad at me and required for me to give them space." He did tell her what he wanted, space.

And in the OP, the OP said "we are giving them their space as requested".

Smileless, I'm sorry, I missed that, buried near to the end.

But on another note at Christmas "we saw the little guy for a total of 5 hours at our house and a few hours more at family gatherings. We saw our son once."
OP does have access. I'm not sure to the problem, they gave space and did see their son, all is good?

Naty posted good notions, things my DD think.

My own family have zero attachment to my responses and do exactly what I ask them to do. No more. No less.

I would call the MIL to ask her to come hold the baby in the afternoon and she'd show up 2 hours early.... So I stopped calling to ask.

We told her about the baby getting a vaccine, so she texted, called AND tried to drop by while I was dealing with my screaming baby. No. We haven't told her about any more vaccinations or appointments. It's too much checking up on me. If I tell my own family about the vaccines, they'll shoot me a quick text. They know that if I need them, I'll ask.

With my family, there is no clinging to me out of insecurity or demanding or expecting anything of me.

These are small things, but these annoyances = a headache for an already overloaded mother of a young baby. As a new mom, I don't want to deal with ANYTHING remotely difficult, stressful or annoying.

Follow her lead because if you insist, she will resist.

They gave them a list. They have asked for space. They can not do the things on the list they were asked to stop doing, and to be safe expand the list a bit and think about similar scenarios and big picture issues and avoid those sorts of interactions as well. It would be helpful if op could share the list.

OP won't share it. She is still busy vilifying her dil - the fridge comment, "she is hypersensitive", etc.

Just the statement of "they wouldn't have a house if it wasn't for us" says everything.
I wonder if that is one of the stupid things OP does that his son was referring to.

Not fridge, grudge

All I can say is that they could’ve never bought their own house if it wasn’t for us.

Was that because of a gift?

Or because Of a loan with strings?

It’s time to let go of some expectations. If your son promised equal visits, then he’s the one letting you down. Not your DIL

Here's a radical suggestion, how about considering that you are doing nothing wrong?

That the resentment your dil feels and the determination to tell you that you're wrong all comes from some envious place in her head that you cannot fathom?

Your son says he must support his wife and that's fine and dandy but clearly he feels that support means siding with her against you. He hasn't worked out yet that supporting her does not necessary mean putting you down.

I could give you at least 4 different reasons for that, not one of them anything to do with you being at fault.

I don't see anything in your posts which would lead a reasonable person to feel you were doing anything other than your absolute best.
Goodness know they could have a mother/mother-in-law who makes their lives miserable.

They don't know how lucky they are.

For your own sake though , pull back a bit.

I know you will miss your darling wee boy but frankly I don't think any course of action is ever going to guarantee that you see him as regularly and for as long as you would like. So you might as well protect yourself and take the stress off your husband's shoulders too.