controlling DIL--desperate for support/advice

Assumptions are deadly and heavily based on how each person reads the posts.

That is certainly true! Objectivity and careful consideration of the facts that we do have, from the OPs perspective, would certainly be constructive when anyone is commenting on threads...not just this one!!

I accept what OP has said. I am not questioning her words.

I see gaps in her posts that need more accurate answers to be able to give more accurate feedback.

"Anyway, wanted you all to know that my DS called me today to apologize for the way they've been treating me, and that, according to him, I didn't deserve any of it, and dislikes himself for acting this way. Then we discussed what we learned from it and how we could try to solve future problems. "

Very vague, again.
How has son been treating her? Or was it dil - something she did? Was he loud, raising his voice, ignoring her, rolling her eyes at her, cursing at her, not playing the board games she wanted after dinner, not washing his hands before eating (now, this is a joke ?)

I am glad OP found a resolution to her family issues.

That conversation and the list dil gave her contain the key to this problem.

Plenty of adult kids apologize for their reactions to the parents' actions, not giving them a pass for the parents' actions.
Others are in the fog.
Others did something wrong and take responsibility for it.
Again, we cannot assume what the son apologized for.

To be honest at this stage, I am not even sure why the OP would be expected to give any further in formation. She is feeling that she can move forward with her family! She thanked people for their advice.

If she wants any further advice I assume she will ask for it. As it is, its good that they seem to be moving forward; good luck to all of them.

Sometimes people are GIVING you a hard time and sometimes people are HAVING a hard time. It is the latter that tend to apologise for upset during this time. So I think OP is needing to remember that and not call dil controlling anything else negative etc x

Otherwise OP is GIVING them a hard time for HAVING a hard time, if OP has said anything negative she should apologise too x

I agree Madgran. It was good of Angel to update us with the good news about her son's apology and that they now seem to be moving on from this upset.

Good luck and best wishes Angel.

So true, Hithere. I’m sure my dh ‘apologized’ to his parents a few times in the early days of estrangement. It was so terribly uncomfortable for him to stand up to them about anything, no matter how upset he was with them, the only script he knew and the one he fell back on when stressed was deferring to them, apologizing for upsetting them, and agreeing that they were right after all. That was how he survived childhood and thus the only strategy he had when faced with them as an adult.

I’m wary of very easy reconciliations with no detail about what caused them to come to pass- ‘we discussed what we learned’- such as???? ‘We discusses how we could try to solve future problems’ again- what sorts of solutions? That would be helpful to share for folks dealing with similar issues. By all means when folks are able to reconcile they should feel confident in sharing in what specifically worked!

Hi,

I am a DIL and read your post and think you’ve had some great feedback, especially from ‘hithere’ .

I had a very anxious filled time with my in laws in the first year of my daughters birth. I can’t imagine what your DIL is going through whilst also being pregnant. All I can say is that what you consider to be trivial can be interpreted as upsetting. If your son has asked for space then I would assume they consider your ways to be toxic at this time. Give them space, trust me they need it and your relationship with your DIL will be better in the long run. It’s so important that your relations with your DIL do get better as it will definitely effect how involved you are in future times. Their growing family is likely to be under so much worry already, the best thing you can do is be less of an emotional burden on them. Please don’t meddle, I suspect you had some kind of interference with your son apologising to you. I wonder how that made DIL feel. You are not your sons primary family any longer and you can assume that he will always stand by the mother of his children on things from now on. You probably know this already, but knowing this and letting go are two different things.

My advice would be to take a step back, give them space and wait for them to contact you. If you can swallow your pride and recognise that you have made mistakes and apologies for interfering I think it will go a long way in to receiving forgiveness, they will be far more lenient with you and your involvement. For future relations please don’t make any decisions or actions without consulting with the parents, don’t make any personal attacks or even subtle ones. Stick to neutral topics. You need to rebuild your relationship here. Perhaps an act of kindness would go along way.... DIY care package or hamper for DIL maybe?

I don’t know your DIL, but most mother’s want their children to have loving and caring grandparents in their lives. But you have to be a positive influence on their family, if your toxic to one, your toxic to all. Always ask the parents, never assume anything. Respect all requests and parental decisions, even if that means giving them space. If you can’t respect requests don’t expect them to respect you as an involved grandparent.

Good luck!

AngelD It is nice your DS called and talked to you about whatever problems that caused him to ask for space. I hope you continue to give him space to be a parent, it is difficult to balance parenting, work, etc.

If you only wanted positive responses, you should have stated that.

If you wanted honest opinions, your original post elicited exactly what people were thinking.

Do whatever owner says!

Wrong posting sorry!

Thankyou for the update OP (original poster) x I'm really glad your son apologised - in my opinion he needed to x Hopefully you can ask move forwards and work together and things will now begin to settle x

When my parents and my in laws were alive, they used to wait until we invited them to visit. They wouldn't have dreamed of calling in unexpectedly. Could have been embarrassing!

We used to telephone and tell them when we would visit which we used to do once month. We'd arrive in time for lunch, then go out somewhere together, back for tea and then we'd drive home. Pleasant times had by all.

I think these days our generation often forget that their DCs or GCs have lives of their own to lead.

VERY concerned about your husband doing something rash. You sound just like my MIL who thinks her husband, who has clear anger issues, and recently showed a surprising penchant to be physically violent (against his own son/my husband), is a "sweet" guy! She actually tries to brush off the VERY serious incident that occurred shortly before my son was born. I think they are still clueless as to why I am EXTREMELY strict with them, they'll never babysit and I will always be in the same room with them whenever they are with my child.

Unbelievable.

Dear Angel You can not control their behaviour, you can only control yours.

It sounds to me that you are a good person trying your best.. We ALL makes mistakes including your son and his wife, in fact they are naki g a big one right now by being a bit mean to you.

Are they bad people, possibly not, possibly they are over whelmed with their challenges and are not thinking straight.

Definitely true to say that his wife can make him think how she is thinking, happens all the time, happens to all of us, our husbands and wives do influence us.

Going forward what I believe you should do and what I would do is get some space between you all. It does work well sometimes and will alloy everyone to Breathe and take a break from the Horrid situation.

It might be that even after the break things do not improve and what that might tell you is that you are dealing with the un responsibile people.

If that is the case you hopefully will still be able to see the grandchildren, you could just simply offer to take them out for the day and hopefully they agree to that

So success xoykd mean alot less interaction with son and dil and focus on your grandchildren

It is entirely possible to still see your grandchildren will little interaction with son and dil, seperated couples do it all of the time

I feel for you in this situation because the reason you are in this situation is that family/ your grandchildren are important to you, and its Horrid feeling powerless and its Horrid to have fears that they can say whether or not you see your grandchildren

And just finally Angel you can only do your best, try not to get caught up in it too much and accept that all You can do and continue to do is your best and stay present in your grandchildrens lives because your love for them is needed and important.