controlling DIL--desperate for support/advice

Norah my comment linked purely to what parents want re eg FB, food etc. I agree with you re doing as ask re space, which OP says they are

BradfordLass Wise advice. It has amazed me on this thread that apart from my own comments at the beginning of the thread, noone else appears to think that the son/DIL have any responsibility in this relationship atall.(dont think I have missed any, apologies if I have) I still hope the family can talk, listen and sort it out but your advice re protecting themselves may well be best .

Great post BradfordLass.

I agree Madgran that apart from you "no one else appears to think that the son/DIL have any responsibility in this relationship at all", but I can't say it amazes me, as this is all too often the case here on GN.

A mother, who is also a m.i.l. and GM, is rarely seen as anything other than the one who is responsible for any ongoing problems.

As you posted earlier, why was the OP wrong giving her GC food not provided by the parents when they hadn't given her enough before they left the child with her?

I too hope that you can get things sorted out Angel and I hope you take on board Bradfordlass' advice and protect yourself as much as you can.

It might help to know the "list" and the rules to the home purchase. To me, it's not wise to ruminate over what's been done for them in moving house, support, or financial. Either do it because it's good or don't bother.

I've been reading through this thread and agree that BradfordLass has given an excellent response.

I just want to say that hormones have a lot to answer for and also people do change once they become parents.
The dynamics in the family change. It has to really for being responsible parents is a huge life changer.

I'm seeing this with our DD a great deal at present. She has much stronger views than before and she never asks my advice or opinion, ever. She gives out plenty.

I would try not to be too sensitive about their unreasonable behaviour. Stand up for yourself, by all means when you are accused unjustly. Since when did feeding a hungry child become an offence!

Why are you blaming your DIL? Why not put blame to your son?

No fun to blame your own child, or accept they might have grown up and find fault with you. Much simpler and less distressing to blame that evil controlling DIL and her hormones ???

As for those finding fault with the son and DIL- there were at least 3 I counted (happy bumble bee, Emmf and jomarie) so perhaps those upset about the lack of support for OP should go back and re-read.

First of all, what does OP mean? I can't seem to figure that one out.

I've been watching the posts, trying to make sense of them all. But, honestly, I'm not sure what to say. I'm new to forums, only reached out once before because I was beyond figuring out what to do, which was the case now, and I'm not sure if I'm liking it.

I "hear" empathy, understanding, caring suggestions and constructive criticism, all of which I truly respect and appreciate. However, I'm also detecting sarcasm and outright criticism. I was under the impression "if you can't say anything nice, don't write"? I thought this is a place of support not a place where one receives further criticism? Just food for thought.

Anyway, wanted you all to know that my DS called me today to apologize for the way they've been treating me, and that, according to him, I didn't deserve any of it, and dislikes himself for acting this way. Then we discussed what we learned from it and how we could try to solve future problems.

Giving him space was definitely helpful. In the meantime, my DH and I followed up with some suggestions and did a bunch of stuff together to focus on each other.

Thanks for listening.

OP means Original poster AngelD

I am so pleased to hear that you have had a chat with your son

Forums are a mixed bag really; best to listen, think carefully about all comments and be open to constructive criticism and then go with whatever resonates for you. Good luck for future family time

That's great news Angela. I'm glad that not only was your son able to see that the way you've been treated has been undeserved, but he was able to be honest about that too.

I hope that things now settle down and you can all enjoy your lovely family, together.

but he was able to be honest about that too.

Actually, the fact that he is able to do that is a compliment to the way he was brought up!

Yes it is Madgran. I wonder if any of the posters who gave Angela a less than sympathetic response will have anything to say.

"As for those finding fault with the son and DIL- there were at least 3 I counted (happy bumble bee, Emmf and jomarie) so perhaps those upset about the lack of support for OP should go back and re-read."

I was talking about finding fault Outside Dave. I was talking about responsibility! There is a difference!

There was a lack of support for the OP OutsideDave and it's interesting to note that those who were so quick to judge, you for example accusing her of "using sly ways" to make her d.i.l. look bad, have not commented since she told us that her son has recognised that his and his wife's treatment of her was wrong.

EMMF1948 wed 1st jan ...good posts!

Hithere agnursr ... typical repetitive post unhelpful in the extreme, boring at best.

Aww, that’s good AngelD perhaps he’s been reading these posts! Hope all goes well.

I was talking about finding fault Outside Dave

That was meant to say "wasn't"!

That's good for you OP and good for them too because hopefully they can deal with all the enourmas pressure that his been on them lately now they realise its effect on how they are behaving. You can also be a real help now that the air is clear x

AngelD, you said ' I thought this is a place of support not a place where one receives further criticism'. Doesn't support include pointing out where you may be going wrong?

Criticism can be very constructive. There's little point in receiving only sympathetic and positive feedback is there? Getting mixed responses may help you reflect on how you can change in the future. Nobody is perfect. We can all improve!

Oh dear Smileless, sorry to disappoint but seeing as how I’m in a different time zone from most posters- sorry to have left you waiting

I’m interested in more about this call, Angel. I’m glad he apologized for treating you rudely. Did his wife agree as you said he apologized for ‘them’- I wonder what was said exactly. It’s always curious when posters who provide so many specific details in their initial posts provide such vague updates. Hopefully space will continue to be helpful, your son will take responsibility for his own behavior (assuming he does feel he was out of line), and that he was able to speak for your DIL. I find it interesting that you didn’t hear from her especially since your issue seems to be with her, although you only mentioned your son being rude specifically. Thinking good thoughts for your DIL and the new baby during this very stressful time.

Madgran, it seems that by finding fault they ARE assigning responsibility. If you think that both parties are responsible for the relationship, (which most folks do) then finding fault with one party assumes that that party holds responsibility, do they not?

I think it's reasonable to assume that the OP's son feels he's been out of line or he wouldn't have apologised for the way his mother has been treated, that she didn't deserve it and he dislikes himself for behaving in the way he has OutsideDave.

I don't find the OP's update "vague"; she also said they'd talked about what they'd learned and how they could solve any further problems.

Smileless,
How do you know how the son feels?

There are many reasons why he called his mother and apologized.
OP's posts are very vague, no details or facts are shared, only her feelings and judgement about the situation.
We do not know what was said in that call - who said what?

Assumptions are deadly and heavily based on how each person reads the posts.

My point was that other replies didnt seem to be recognising that both parties might have responsibility for aspects of the problems. So finding fault with only one party, which in my view was not appropriate in this case on the basis of information provided, is putting ALL the responsibility on one party whilst apparently ignoring the responsibilities of the other party.

I do, like you, have great sympathy for the DIL (and son) in this situation. However I dont think that sympathy, empathy or their situation justifies ignoring their responsibilities when commenting on the OPs concerns and request for advice.

It is good that things appear to be moving on and hopefully DIL will feel able to move forward too, if her husband is including her in how things are moving forward, conversations and decisions.

I agree Hithere but that doesn't stop people from making judgements does it.

I have taken on board what the OP said about the conversation she had with her son, the reason for his call being that he feels bad about the way she's been treated. So I "know" as much as you do.

Why can't you just accept what the OP has said? Who are you to make a judgement that "there are many reasons why he called his mother and apologized"?