No kissing my baby

I'm going through a period of boundary setting, though. I know it can't be easy for my husband's family

You can say that again!
Thank goodness my three daughters have adopted a sensible, balanced view of child-rearing and my role as granny to 4 boys and one girl, and we seem to find that mutual respect and common sense obviate the sort of surreal scenarios we seem to get on GN at times.

Dear Naty - it is your precious baby and it is your choice. I would agree with - it is just worth the risk.

Sorry that should read not worth the risk...

Obviously you want your little baby to be safe, and that includes not contracting the cold sore virus.

But I really think you are overreacting, I’ve had cold sores since my teens, sometimes horrible unsightly ones on both lips. But none of my children or grandchildren have developed them, just a bit of sensible caution needed.

Do adults really set ‘boundaries’ for each other ? Whatever happened to talking about issues ? Or compromise or - god forbid - common sense !

I think I agree with MawB mutual respect and common sense rule !

Bottom line - this is your and DH's baby. If you've said "no kissing baby," then that's the rule and that's that. Whether your ILs believe your reasons or not, they need to follow your rules for your child. It was kind - and reasonable - of you to explain, but you don't need to keep trying to convince them or show them a pamphlet or whatever to prove anything to them. They may be lovely people, overall, but they seem to think they have a vote in how you and DH conduct your lives and now it's spreading to how you parent your baby. If you try too hard to persuade them to agree w/ your rules, you are, unwittingly, reinforcing that idea. They need to see that they have to accept your rules for your child, your home, etc. whether they agree w/ or understand them or not. IMO, that means you and DH need to expect them to follow these rules, regardless, and enforce them if the ILs try to break or get around them. Please be firm - this is not just about kissing the baby, it's about asserting yourselves as the parents and the only ones who get to make decisions for your child.

N&G ✔️✔️

But Starlady for Naty and her DH to be taken seriously as parents and adults, they need to act like adults, not hysterical adolescents, panicking about swapping saliva with a young child causing tooth decay or whatever.
Young parents they may be, but these histrionics (^losing my mind^ ) do not reassure me of their emotional maturity.

Naty you have set your case out very clearly and at some length. I think it makes not a jot of difference whether anyone on here thinks you are being unreasonable or not.
Perhaps worth bearing in mind that in no time at all your little one will be crawling around and putting everything into his / her mouth......... just sayin'.

Yes, my husband gets them maybe once a year. He's never passed it to me.

I think it's pretty easy to navigate the issues and child rearing when the mother of your grandkids is your daughter. They are more likely to have the same outlook as you, given that you've raised them. My own family is fully supportive of my rule and don't question it. Compassion and understanding end when ego gets in the way, @MawB

So true, GrannyLaine it is impossible to have a " germ free" environment for babies (or anyone else for that matter) and not only is it impossible, but undesirable too!

I never kiss a baby or child on the lips, mostly on top of the head or the cheek if proffered by an older child.

I think this boundary should be set straight away. Five months on it could be difficult!

Just say it.

But do try to relax and enjoy your baby, you sound rather stressed; this time will be gone before you know it.

I'm having a wry smile about some of your family's 'old wives' tales'. Did you know that walking on damp grass in bare feet can give you flu? Someone from a similar culture to your MIL told me that. I didn't even begin to argue

Actually, I don't like a draught on me which is daft because I'll go for a walk when it's breezy.

I'm obviously exaggerating with "losing my mind" for effect. I should say "I'm trying to maintain balance and not have a physical stress response every time my sister-in-law appears with cold sores expecting to hold my baby."

I think @MawB you are trying to accuse me of being hysrerical rather than give me a level-headed solution. Please do suggest what I should do.

I definitely am trying to curb my stress with clear and direct communication.

I know this time will fly by before I know it.

Never entered my head to set ridged rules about anything to do with my babies or who handled them or how I trusted my family and close friends All my kids have grown up well and healthy and all the grandkids too thankfully
I m sure your baby will have a lot more germs cross her path before she’s grown
You sound in all your in law threads very nervous and almost hysterical you don’t seem able to relax and enjoy your child will at least not with anything to do with the in laws that is Why not move far far away then you won’t have to worry

Gosh, I'm glad I didn't know all this when I had babies. Luckily no-one in our family had cold sores but I would never condone mouth kissing a baby by anyone. I never liked them crawling on the floor either but you can't stop it, and their hands are all over the floor. Just be sensible but not paranoid. Your child will be fine if you just take common-sense precautions although I agree you should avoid mouth-kissing.

Hmmm, am I correct in understanding that you don't have to endure any unacceptable behaviour from your own side of the family naty? Is it your in laws who are causing you the most of your problems? I think I see the problem here.

I'd never heard of the cold sore issue when mine were young and, come to think of it, my SisIL often had one.
She cuddled them but I don't remember her ever kissing them on the mouth. I don't remember them ever catching one.

No-one seemed to kiss babies on the mouth but I have seen people do it more recently

As I said before

My family knows me very well. They know my germ issues. We are all very similar. They make plans with me (they don't show up at my door randomly because they would just CALL me to see if I was available. We have fun together! My in-laws are not exactly fun, but they are practical and well-intentioned and loving.

We aren't expected to see my family every day.... my family has very relaxed ways of being. They will stay in their PJs until noon, party at the weekends together and go on holiday together. The in-laws are up at 5am and industrious and always want their adult kids around to a clingy extent.

They want to "serve" their kids and check in daily.
When my MIL leaves my house on her forth visit over for the week, she asks the baby "when will we see each other?" ...lady...please give me a bit of space.

My family just don't have these clingy tendencies. If I say something they think is crazy, laugh at my expense, they call my psychotic and then they agree. They don't struggle for power or care all that much because they KNOW me and are secure in my relationship with them.

The in-laws seem to be grasping and I guess want to be way more involved than I would like or find healthy, even! I'll see my family weekly. My husband's parents seem to think we should see them every day.

This week, we saw them Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday and we will be seeing them Sunday. All visits initiated BY ME! But when I went over to their house today they say things to the baby like "you need to come here more often or you won't know your home" and "you aren't used to being here"... What?

Perhaps their reluctance to NOT kiss my baby is just another way in which they feel they are losing closeness with their little grandchild?

They are probably comparing their relationship with their daughter's kids as infants thinking "why won't she come over every day" or do whatever it is that their daughter did in her kids' infancies (ie. Ask the mother to wash their floirs, do their ironing etc).

Have you thought of relocating to Canada?

I understand it's becoming quite popular for young families who want to break away from the in-laws.

Haha