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No kissing my baby
(239 Posts)Hello everyone. Am I being unreasonable? I've issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:
No kissing my baby! She's 5 months old.
Here goes:
My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.
If my own sister got cold sores, I'd be free to say "Hey, please don't kiss the baby." Or "Hey...be careful she doesnt touch your mouth, okay?" ...because my baby is reaching and touching people's mouths a lot now and putting her hand in her own mouth right after. I had no idea before having a child, but swapping saliva with a young child is a cause of tooth decay and premature dental issues as well..their mouths just can't handle it.
In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.
My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming the other week. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.
This situation has been stressing me out, so I took matters into my own hands as my husband in this regard is pretty useless and
I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes (she rubs her own face a lot and can wipe saliva into her eyes, nose and mouth from cheek kisses) even when they are asymptomatic (i.e. not showing any signs of herpes) and cause my baby to get it. At this age, it can be super detrimental to her health.
My beloved MIL said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied or she's cherry picking facts. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone where denial is better than fact.
They tried to change the subject but I stood my ground. My husband backed me up and said "Do you understand, mom? No kisses for the baby."
She reluctantly agreed to our request.
His parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and say it's from stress and not a virus. They are in their 70s, so perhaps they don't know it's initiated by a virus first, and then stays in your system forever.
Anyway, I'm getting reading material on it from gov website and the hospital so they finally believe it. They encouraged me to ask the pediatrician to make sure.
I'm not sure what his sister thinks (I haven't talked to her about it because I don't want her to feel bad AT ALL! Her own 3 kids don't get it, so SHE must know it's contagious. I don't want to alienate her or anybody...just want to keep my baby safe.
My own family understands and is going along willingly. The in-laws, however are trying to say that herpes isn't contagious and that it's from stress.
They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.
When I decided to finally bring it up to his parents, I made up a phantom friend who almost lost her child to meningitis brought on by herpes because I knew they'd be incredulous. They told me "no..not herpes! Herpes can't do that." I said very pointedly that it can cause blindness in babies, meningitis and encephalitis. I know that these are rare complications, but my child is STILL very vulnerable.
So I have said NO kisses for baby! They've reluctantly agreed, but I feel like the bad guy.
For the record: I do not have HSV1, but I kiss my baby on the head or anywhere else she can't transfer the saliva into her mouth (rarely do I kiss her face, but I'm extravagantly affectionate in other ways). My husband is well aware of the risks, and does the same. Am I being unreasonable?
Thank you.
I think @MawB you are trying to accuse me of being hysrerical rather than give me a level-headed solution. Please do suggest what I should do
Dare I suggest you calm down?
You don’t have to plot and scheme to avoid passing your baby round when in-laws visit, just say Not today. As for feeling stressed, sweaty and shaky - I think you have the problem.
You need to put your mind at rest regarding the “dreadful things “ which your in-laws might pass on to your baby -surely they are not the only people to visit or play with her? This is Italy, not a Third World country.
Your description of your in-laws’ primitive ideas about illness and its causes makes them sound very simple minded people, perhaps that is the problem, a cultural interface in which you feel only you know best. It sounds patronising and inimical to good relationships.
In years to come I hope you will look back and laugh and when your daughter has her first baby you will be able to reassure her that babies are tougher than they look!
Ok naty, I get it now. Far from your mil being beloved; you actually don't like her very much at all do you; so your opening post is disingenuous, at best. You appear to have several issues with your in laws, mostly because they're just not like your own family. It must be very uncomfortable for your husband because he must know that you dislike and resent his family a lot. So, you're just going to have to either find a way of living with them as things are or, tell them straight that you don't want to see them, unless it's on your terms and stop kissing your baby unless you say they can.
Problem sorted.
Next!
Callistemon 
I agree with you Naty, I don't think that anyone should be kissing your baby, especially as some family have cold sores.
Also as you say they should not let the baby touch their mouth with her hands as that is just as bad, if not worse.
Stick to your guns and be firm with them.
It's your baby and they should all follow your rules, no questions asked.
Not a tiny bit unreasonable.
Your baby your rules.
"Innocent kisses from family" members gave me herpes when I was a child.
Hsv is super dangerous for babies.
It can be passed even without any outbreak (cold sore)
If anybody is unable to respect your very reasonable rule, they should wait till the baby is older and has a more robust inmune system to be in their presence.
Nobody plays the health Russian roulette with my kids.
Your sil should ask her gp for antivirals
You aren’t being a little bit unreasonable. hSV1 can be fatal in infants and even if not is an unpleasant and unsightly issue to contend with. My husband gets cold sores and thus took lots of precautions when our kids were small.
That's weird, Chewbacca...You might be projecting a bit... I have only come up against real issues with the birth of this baby...before this I had almost 10 years of smooth sailing. Resentful? Yes! When my boundaries are crossed and when my worries are dismissed.
Oh and Chewbacca it’s quite clear op is quite fond of her mil and other il family as otherwise they would have been out on their ears ages ago. The poor woman won’t even get blinds to have privacy as it would be too direct a slight at her ils ??? good one chewbaccaless
Thank you all for your answers!
Thank you, Outsidedaves. I'm not really understanding how to tag you all when I respond.
OutsideDave I meant
What precautions were they?
I'm telling you what they think, MawB...they are strange ideas, but you are using the words "primitive" and "simple minded"...these are your ideas.
My family know me very well they know my germ issues
I think this is very telling, sounds as if you have a bit of an obsession with germs Why do you stay in Italy so near to in laws that you pretend to like but it shines out of every sentence that you really can’t stand Move away with your poor husband who must have a hell of a life stuck in the middle of all this brouhaha
the in-laws are very stubborn and have strange ideas at times (i.e. standing in front of a fan can make you ill/drinking water with ice will give you gastro distress/if your stomach is uncovered you'll get diarrhoea
Your words.
Old wives’ tales which belong not to your PIL s’ generation, but your grandparents
BTW do I take it your own parents also live in Italy? Somehow I thought you were American or Canadian, sorry if I got that wrong.
www.nbcnews.com/id/35989527/ns/health-oral_health/t/moms-kiss-can-spread-cavities-baby/#.XhrCrYyPSf0
In relation to tooth decay, the main cause is bacterial - Streptococcus mutans - which is often transferred to babies by saliva from mother or another adult (or child) kissing on mouth, so Naty is right to be concerned about this too.
I think the main problems here are cultural. Some cultures are much more touchy-feely than others. Unfortunately for Naty it’s likely to be an ongoing problem while she lives in Italy.
Lots of people have strange ideas about what causes illness. How many of you think that you caught a cold from being out and getting cold and wet? Rather than getting from someone else with a cold. The main reason colds and flu are more prevalent in winter is that people are indoors in closer contact with others.
My mil thought that drinking water from fridge would give a cold!
I can’t remember anyone ever attempting to kiss any of my babies on the lips and I ve never seen anyone do it to any of my grandkids either so I can understand that being a no no but all the rest comes across as OTT
Where do you hail from Naty originally that is obviously you’re not Italian so their family dynamics, which are one of the tightest in the world are going to seem strange to you they would me too but if you marry into a different culture you have to be prepared for differences and if you are living in the midst of that culture you have to embrace it as much as possible and not fight all of it
What would happen if the baby wanted to kiss the family?
I have no problem with a baby kissing family as long as the adult gives them their cheek. I let the baby kiss my cheek all of the time!
They don't kiss babies on the mouth, yet both of their adult kids have it.
Yes, lots of people have weird ideas about illness. I agree.
I hope it doesn't seem like I can't stand them! I've had several annoyances with them since the baby was born but in truth, never before! We've always had an easy relationship and I've always sought out their company. Now, however, I'm navigating motherhood with people who aren't respecting MY own cultural differences. There is a middle ground.
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