I think I do pretty well here....but I have to fight my kid getting cold sores if I can.
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No kissing my baby
(239 Posts)Hello everyone. Am I being unreasonable? I've issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:
No kissing my baby! She's 5 months old.
Here goes:
My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.
If my own sister got cold sores, I'd be free to say "Hey, please don't kiss the baby." Or "Hey...be careful she doesnt touch your mouth, okay?" ...because my baby is reaching and touching people's mouths a lot now and putting her hand in her own mouth right after. I had no idea before having a child, but swapping saliva with a young child is a cause of tooth decay and premature dental issues as well..their mouths just can't handle it.
In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.
My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming the other week. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.
This situation has been stressing me out, so I took matters into my own hands as my husband in this regard is pretty useless and
I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes (she rubs her own face a lot and can wipe saliva into her eyes, nose and mouth from cheek kisses) even when they are asymptomatic (i.e. not showing any signs of herpes) and cause my baby to get it. At this age, it can be super detrimental to her health.
My beloved MIL said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied or she's cherry picking facts. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone where denial is better than fact.
They tried to change the subject but I stood my ground. My husband backed me up and said "Do you understand, mom? No kisses for the baby."
She reluctantly agreed to our request.
His parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and say it's from stress and not a virus. They are in their 70s, so perhaps they don't know it's initiated by a virus first, and then stays in your system forever.
Anyway, I'm getting reading material on it from gov website and the hospital so they finally believe it. They encouraged me to ask the pediatrician to make sure.
I'm not sure what his sister thinks (I haven't talked to her about it because I don't want her to feel bad AT ALL! Her own 3 kids don't get it, so SHE must know it's contagious. I don't want to alienate her or anybody...just want to keep my baby safe.
My own family understands and is going along willingly. The in-laws, however are trying to say that herpes isn't contagious and that it's from stress.
They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.
When I decided to finally bring it up to his parents, I made up a phantom friend who almost lost her child to meningitis brought on by herpes because I knew they'd be incredulous. They told me "no..not herpes! Herpes can't do that." I said very pointedly that it can cause blindness in babies, meningitis and encephalitis. I know that these are rare complications, but my child is STILL very vulnerable.
So I have said NO kisses for baby! They've reluctantly agreed, but I feel like the bad guy.
For the record: I do not have HSV1, but I kiss my baby on the head or anywhere else she can't transfer the saliva into her mouth (rarely do I kiss her face, but I'm extravagantly affectionate in other ways). My husband is well aware of the risks, and does the same. Am I being unreasonable?
Thank you.
Thanks MiniMoon. I agree that I'm being very cautious.
Hi Sara65, I think you have not passed on the virus because you are aware.
Hi SpringyChick uh oh...you are giving me ideas!
But none of my children or grandchildren have developed them, just a bit of sensible caution needed
I think Sar has summed it up perfectly. Calmly and sensibly.
Hi Liz46, that's great you've never had a recurrence! They are just fine if they aren't plaguing you. In some cases, however, they can be quite disruptive to people's lives.
Naty, it is your baby, your rules- but yes, you are over-reacting.
Having 'germ issues' and being over cautious, is the best way to lead the way to all sorts of allergies, some of them life-threatening. So this is a serious issue.
Thanks, ladymuck. I think some adults don't understand just how contagious they are.
Yes, Luckygirl...you have to harbour the virus first in order for it to come out from stress. My MIL wants to deny the fact that it's viral for some strange reason. If they just believed this, I could rest at ease.
Do you have an obsession with cold sores Naty?
Never having encountered them I find it somewhat strange. Don’t get me wrong, I have had more experience than many of the consequences of immunosuppressants , of Epstein-Barr, and of auto-immune conditions, but I have managed to retain a sense of proportion.
Reading through all this it does seem you have a germ phobia Naty which your own family are more aware of and navigate around so as to not upset you.
I’d be more cautious about transferring those issues to your baby going forward. Small children pick up on things so easily. Try to dial it back a bit. Your husband will be stressed out otherwise.
Thinking about it I cuddle my DGC but do not tend to kiss them. I didn’t kiss them as babies either.
I think I'm more aware of certain things to do with germs. My mom and dad were pretty germaphobic...but everyone has their thing. Some people are obsessed with food...others are obsessed with saving.
I'd like to be more balanced and more relaxed about cleanliness at times. My husband actually said "you're just more aware of these things. It's not an out of control issue for you, though."...so I take solace in that.
Some people would heed others to NOT let their kids be too lax on hygiene or being overly affectionate, right? I think different ppl have different expectations.
I'll take your advice, Urmstongran
I tend not to kiss babies too, dragonfly46..but well before I knew about cold sores. I guess I already felt close to them because I could hold their entire body in my arms.
No obsessions with cold sores. I married DH, right? He's got them every now and then.
But I'm super vigilant now that my baby is here and her immunity is weak.
Lady muck???
You posted here to seek advice and then, when you get some that you don't agree with, you address a poster rudely?
Not pleasant naty.
Hello Naty I haven’t read any replies, so sorry if this is repetitive. Firstly, I never put peoples feelings before the welfare of my children. Cold sores are horrible, all my husband’s family had them, probably because there was no education around them years ago. Some people are susceptible, because the virus hangs around in them, a bit like the chicken pox virus. They are both stimulated by stress, and other factors, such as a low immunity. There’s no reason why they couldn’t kiss her over her clothes, but she should come first....always. I would, and did do, what you want to do, but despite that, one of my four children gets them too! Good luck.
The poster naty’s replying to is actually called ladymuck, Chewbacca. 
Which is why we have two conventions- one using @ and the other, writing the username in bold
Saves misunderstandings.
Loops, my apologies naty. Thanks for letting me know Maggiemaybe, I genuinely hadn't spotted that.
Naty you say your in-laws don't respect your culture
May I point out gently that old saying of St Augustine 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do', apt as you live in Italy and married into an Italian family. You may have to be more flexible, not expect them to make all the changes and find a middle way.
However, that should not include anyone kissing your baby on the mouth who has a cold sore, flu or anything else which could make your baby sick.
I don't think you're being unreasonable.
swapping saliva leads to tooth decay Really? How on earth did we all manage to reach adulthood with our own teeth. Sorry but that sounds pretty obsessive to me. Relax a little, your baby will be fine.
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