UPDATE on MIL stops by unannounced

Actually Naty has had 2 long threads about her in law troubles and both had well over 200 replies each of advice and support So that’s about 450 replies, why Start another siting the same ol sane ol

gagajo sorry to seem rude but I don’t really need to be told when I should reply to someones posts I have as much right to post as you do just because we don’t agree doesn’t mean I shouldn’t post
It’s nothing at all to do with not liking a post or a thread but why would someone post the equivalent of a long thread all over again when she was given lots of good advice on the previous one that has obviously just been ignored

Oh, how cute! Fil is continuing the dirty work of mil's unannounced visits! What a wonderful enabler!

Don't fool yourself, fil went to see the baby, not to work on the vines.
In fact, he now should not work on the vines ever, he is in your property, those vines belong to you, not to him

Your fil and mil are not clueless, they just don't want to listen to what you and their son are telling them - coordinate visits

Your fil disregarded a very clear statement from his son AND talked to you about "not seeing the baby for 4 days wah wah wah". Your fil has balls. You should be as mad as your dh.

Their expectations as grandparents are not your problem or duty to fulfill.

If you want to move away, you are very justified. However, you must give consequences for PIL breaking your boundaries.

They come unannounced- you kick them out without seeing or holding the baby, tell them you will call to coordinate a visit in 10 days. They complain, 20 days. MIL cries, a month. Fil disagrees, visit in 2 months. You get the drill.

They visit unannounced because you let them. It is in your power to stop it

ExD1938 anyone peering through someone else’s windows is just plain rude! Maybe they didn’t want to/couldn’t answer the door at that particular time.

Naty I feel your pain my own mother was a bit like this, back in the day.

I read both postings. If you don't LIKE what she is posting or think it is going on too much, DON'T RESPOND.

The amount of Harry and Megan stuff on here is ludicrous. Way, way beyond obsessive. Naty, having in-law/cross culture problems is a tiny percentage contrasted to that.

I am with Naty. She is trying to make a life in an alien culture. No way would I have tolerated seeing my in-laws 5 times a week! She is being very, very tolerant.

I would not want my MIL to pop in unannounced. Particularly not if I'd just had a baby. Give me some notice. I will make sure I am dressed and that the house is tidyish.

ps - I know nothing about life in Canada, do people always make appointments before they drop by to see each other? Does no one ever drop by without arranging it first?
How old is the baby?

pinkauartz maybe you did not read the last very long posting about the very same problems The poster was given pages of empathy and advice and has now reworded all the very same problems in a new thread
That maybe why some posters are a bit less patient than you feel they should be
It’s very irritating when you give a lot of help and advice and then a couple of months or a few weeks down the line all the same or very similar rumbles and grumbles are back in a new thread
The poster has been given a a get out clause by her husband and lots of attention and support on her last thread but she is not wanting to take any but prefers asking all over again

So you are a young Mum asking grandparents for advice? Am I right?
I live in the UK in a rural environment where it is quite OK to 'drop in' on someone, especially if that someone has a baby. Its a cultural thing and possible even more so in Italy where Family is the thing. Do you ever visit anyone yourself? Perhaps your DH's family or any of your personal friends and neighbours? Does it make you happy to have your baby admired and cuddled or are you a but like Megan Markle who hid her baby away for months ? Your in-laws are doing what is normal in their culture.
Don't worry about the looking through windows thing - if I knocked on someone's door and there was no answer I too might look through the window in case you were hoovering or just plaiin hadn't heard me. What's to worry you, they're only people?
Bless you, you've worked yourself up into a real stress about this haven't you?
As someone has already said - do try to relax, these people are your DH's family and want to love you and include you in their activities. Please don't hate them when they are trying so hard to be nice.

Thank you also for the more recent responses. I appreciate your perspectives.

The house was a gift, restored by my husband. The land was inherited by DHs father and put aside for his son, who was going to renovate it whether married or not.

We've thought about shocking them into calling us, yes. Like "We will have to move if you keep dropping by like this. It isn't fair."

And they do see us frequently...often 5 days out of the week. I call them to come see us, usually. We go over once a week for lunch. I never drop in. I call about 15 minutes before, or send a text the night before.

If my husband was complaining about my parents, I would have done something about it. My parents wouldn't bother us, either.

My baby will watch DVDs after the age of two. She doesn't watch anything atm. The baby will be bilingual, but we want her to watch English media to build up her exposure to the language to facilitate this.

They often didn't put their other grandkids in carseats. I've been a witness to this. And yes, it's a law here in Italy.

And yes, it's becoming very obvious we have to make changes or we have to leave.

I let FIL in because I love him and want him around. I just want him to CALL first or ask me when's a good time. I feel paranoid all the time.

I think all the people on this thread are right. Negative people AND supporters. There is truth in everything written here. Thank you.

I think you and your husband need to sit down together and discuss ALL aspects of what both of you are feeling about this situation from your perspective as a couple. Then decide on how you as a couple are going to deal with it. Starting with not keeping secrets about who has visited, who has done/said what to whom etc!

I also think you have to start speaking to them as a couple, and if/when they don't follow requests referring to the conversation where you were both present, and sharing with each other as a couple that you have done that

Naty
I can see that the in-laws' behaviour is a problem for you, because you are one of those (many) people who obviously like your privacy and /or need control over that aspect of your life. There's nothing wrong with that. That's the way you are, and I doubt you could change that even if you wanted to.
This has only become a problem through living in such close proximity to people whose equally 'normal' needs and expectations are the exact opposite. It is probably just as unlikely that they can really change either.

Your husband's suggestion of moving further away from the in-laws might be a reasonable compromise, as it would make unannounced visits on a regular basis impossible, but without putting a vast ocean between you (and their son and granchild) and them.

Regarding
He says "oh you only want your mom! Well your mom is your best friend. Then it's your dad. Then it's your grandparents." I find this commentary strange, because this hierarchy is universal, and it's a given...but they always tell the baby some variation of this...

I don't find that odd because I say something a bit like that to my 18 month old granddaughter as we pass a photo of her mummy and daddy on our staircase (along the lines of, "your two favourite people in the whole world".) Try not to read too much into that, as stating what to us adults is the obvious is fairly normal behaviour when talking to a baby, I think. ☺

There is a lot of nastiness on here.....
why?

If you don't like what the poster says then go away and read another thread.

OP take courage. You re not being listened to . That is why you are upset and it is reason enough.

I don't have any suggestions though as i have not been in a similar situation.
Good Luck and do not let the nasty ones upset you.

I feel like leaving every day and tell my husband that we shouldn't live around the corner from the in-laws. He said we can pick up and move house to a place outside of walking distance, but I think that's OTT.

You are telling your husband that you shouldn't live round the corner from the in-laws, but when he offers to move, you think it is OTT.

You don't want your in-laws to influence your baby, but you want them to look after her so that you can go back to work.

I don't know what you do want, really. TBH, I think that if you are paying them nanny rates to look after her, then you can dictate the rules about things like DVDs. If they are doing it as a favour, then you need to negotiate.

I fully understand your need for privacy - I hate people dropping in - but you do seem to be cherry picking here.

Childcare (in the UK anyway) is very expensive, and they are doing you a big favour (at a cost to their own freedom in retirement) by offering to do it. I'm not saying that you should have no input into what happens when they have her, but I do think that you need to discuss what works for all of you, and that there should be give and take from you as well as them.

GagaJo, you 'Don't understand why we're being nasty to a new mum.' I, for one, am exasperated!

It's because she writes (at very great length) about her obsession, the behaviour of her husband's parents.

She won't cover her windows yet objects to them 'peering in'.

She can't seem to ignore them and just not answer the door.

She's stressed out looking after one small baby.

She expects the inlaws to always follow her instructions.

She makes mountains out of molehills (one unannounced visit).

She fails to reflect on her own behaviour

How on Earth will she cope with a real problem - out there in the big wide world?

If you didn’t want FiL to call, why did you let him in, when you saw him peering in? Encouraging the very behaviour you have condemned. I don’t get it.

It seems to me that you have choices how you respond to this difficult scenario.
You could embrace their culture and go along with their ways, though that would be very hard for you I think.
You could build a life for yourself, get out of the house more, ignore them as much as possible.
You could move right away and enjoy your family life elsewhere. Canada perhaps?

If you decide to stay, I would definitely reconsider your plan to let the in-laws do childcare when you go back to work. I foresee endless conflicts,

Hetty was rude. 'Oh please god - not an update.'
Urmstonegran was rude. 'Perhaps buy an appointment book and hand out appointment cards to your in laws - routine appointments given out up to six weeks in advance?'

Don't understand why we're being nasty to a new mum.

I don't think your husband should have said anything. His father perhaps didn't intend to visit but was annoyed by his son.
I think you should either accept the advantages of living close and get on with your life. Or put up some window covering but it doesn't seem to annoy you enough to do that. Or..move.

Was I rude, I didn’t mean to be. Just practical.

The OP doesn't sound as if she has much life outside being at home and caring for her baby.

The key to being happy in a new country (and I have had experience) is to get out there, learn the language, embrace the culture, make contacts and hopefully thereafter friends.

If you can’t change the in laws, you have to make changes yourself.

I always prefer a solution to living with a problem.

Who was being rude?

Naty, ignore the rude people on here.

I had interfering In Laws. They drove myself and my husband away from the US (ex husband is American) back to the UK. NOT their intention but it was the end result.

My mother in law used to drop in, unannounced. And yes, sometimes I stayed upstairs and didn't let her in. My house, my life, my choice. What if I was busy? What if I was ill? What, frankly, if she was just unwelcome?

To those of you on here being rude, GO ELSEWHERE if you don't like it. No need for rudeness!

Oh please God no - not an update! Why not write a book!

I think I’ve missed the back story. You come from Canada? Is your husband Canadian, moved back to Italy or is he native Italian?

Moving countries is really hard. You’re in a very different culture. Either you have to say(to quote) “This isn’t working for me” and go back to Canada or you have to make changes to make it work in Italy.

Moving out of drop-in distance seems to be a obvious reasonable thing to me. Your world is too tight, too enclosed with baby, husband, in-laws.

Objecting to Italian cartoons doesn’t seem reasonable. Your child is going to need to be truly bilingual. If you stay in Italy Italian will probably be his preferred language.

But maybe you’re just not happy in Italy. Different culture, different language. needy baby, no peer support networks, no social life.

I’m afraid it’s your choice. Integrate or leave........

Please don’t take this wrong, but I am amazed your baby is watching DVDs in any language.
You use be aware of the research into children under the age of two and the effects of TV?
At least two studies published since 2007 have concluded that Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby DVDs provide no benefit to children, and, according to one of the studies, might actually slow down language development in infants between eight to 16 months of age. This study, which tracked how much time infants and toddlers spend viewing DVDs and television programs, as well as the content of these programs, found that for every hour per day that babies 8-16 months old watched educational programs, they knew on average six to eight fewer words than babies who didn’t watch them. In addition, the DVDs and videos had no effects, positive or negative, on toddlers between 17 and 24 months of age

If not, please look this up.
It may provide a further bone of contention with your clearly traditional Italian in-laws, and loads of people will shout me down saying Teletubbies/Playschool or Paw Patrol did no harm to their children or grandchildren, but there is a clear correlation between tv, whether in the background or as entertainment and a child’s linguistic development.
And as for the rear-facing car seat - is that not the law in Italy as elsewhere?
Never mind the peering in windows thing (but have you considered plantation shutters?)

I'm not saying this is a cultural thing. But I had my first baby in Tenerife and we didn't go a day without seeing numerous relatives. It was just what they did. All lived very clse and the cousins wanted to see the baby etcetc

I just went with it

It was quite helpful actually as one of the nephews would wheel baby round the plantation giving me chance to catch a few minutes peace