Childminder

wow, the other side of the coin.

now my gks are more or less grown now, and their mum (dil) was a stay at home mum, so I rarely got the chance to "help out"
I feel as though I missed a lot, and the gks, cos we are not that close, well o.k. but not real close as I envisaged it when the first one was born.

so yes, I think feeling guilty is what mums/grandmums do! completely unrealistic, but we do..

Would it help if you said you could help out from time to time perhaps when it is convenient to you not on a set basis. We all need time to ourselves and you need not feel guilty many Mums dont have family to call on and they manage I did!

I was retired for medical reasons but I was expected to childmind and babysit all the DGC despite being ill and very tired. I was driving 10 miles to pick up child from school and back. I later drove 5 miles to deliver child when parent came off work. While I realise that today's parents are stressed there was no reason to shout and swear at me. I was helping as best I could. When I asked for the odd bit of help I was just ignored.
When I was upset over yet another failure to give me help, my health reacts to distress, so I was I'll the next day but expected to childmind that day. When I said I could not I was cut off and have not seen the child since. That is a high level of entitlement and it seems my only involvement in their lives was to provide a service.

Completely understandable that the second daughter expected pretty much the same help with her children. But you've already told her and she seems to have accepted it, so the only issue here really is your sense of guilt. Neither of the daughters are complaining of anything, so perhaps you should focus on dealing with your guilty feelings instead.

I would actually love to be in that position, to be asked and trusted to have my grandchildren. Sadly, I am never included in their lives.

It's not just your time and energy but the extra expense of feeding and entertaining these children that you need to take into account, unless your daughter is going to cover that, in full.
I'm always amazed at how our AC take it for granted that they can have free childcare without thinking how it affects their parents.
Luckily I was still in full time work myself when my GCs came along so never had the problem. I did do babysitting and the odd holiday minding but that was it.
Stick to your guns, young children are very hard work.

How both daughters help each other out?

Im sure they can help each other,by maybe doing pick ups from school/ after school clubs ,school runs etc? On every other day each of them or get other under school age in nursery and still 1 daughter do 1 day the other next day etc? If they live near each other that is.or maybe your daughter can do this arrangement with a friend or other mum at school/ nursery? Just explain kindly your not as young as you used to be so cant help full time,maybe you could do a school pick up or two to help out though,?

I completely understand how you feel! I co parented my eldest DGS from birth til mum remarried when he was 7 and they are now separated (with a further 2 little ones) the other 2 DD have 3 DGD between them and the amount of child care their father and I are asked to do is unbelievable! I long for some me time but the guilt card is wheeled out if we ever say no! I am afraid my advice is at odds with my own experience and that is don’t feel guilty you deserve some life of your own (easier said than done I know!) ?

I personally couldn’t do that I so miss looking after grandkids they are all big teens now and leading their own lives and I couldn’t do it for one and not the other I’m not criticising your decision just saying I couldn’t
Is there a middle ground where you could do some looking after and have some time to yourself

Looking at it from the daughters point of view I d be sorely disappointed if my mum had looked after my sisters child and then said no to me

Why do people have children and then expect somebody else to look after them?
My daughter made the decision not to go back to work until her son started school.it was difficult financially, but so worth it for her and my grandson. She and my SIL also decided to have no more children. She now has a part-time job that fits in with his school hours. Everything has worked out, and I’m only called upon to help out occasionally

I'm constantly amazed at how people have children without factoring in the cost of childcare and just expect their own parents to step in (and not even ask in advance). Yes, you looked after your other daughter's child BUT you were 4-5 years YOUNGER when you agreed to do that. Maybe offer to babysit for them and step in if there's an emergency but say that you just can't take on any more regular childcare?

Most of my grandchildren live abroad. I would love the chance of a school or nursery pick up but I understand your position, maybe offer a couple of days.

Sugarpufffairy, I know this post isn’t about you but just have to comment on the unfair time you have had.
In all of the above I see lots of good reasons NOT to live too close to family.
We are 20 minutes from nearest grandchildren. Luckily daughter only asks for help in emergencies.

My mother helped my older brother a great deal with his children, but didn't help much at all with my daughter - but she was older, and obviously although I was disappointed I accepted that things were different, and I'm sure your daughter will feel the same.

I looked after my grandson , now 11 until he went to school, and my other son’s daughter the same. When she started school last September, I also wanted time to myself, but have ended up collecting her from school one day a week because I felt guilty. I wish I had stuck to my guns, as sometimes I find it really difficult to get out of the house as I suffer from severe depression. Don’t be pressured into something, it’s your time now.

I have a 6 month old. My italian MIL is 74 but very spry. She cried for joy when I asked her for part time (3 hours 4 times per week)...but my own mother wouldn't want that.
It's cultural...but they also want to be "fair" as they took on my husband's sister's 3 kids, each 5 years apart. The eldest is 18....18 years ago is a long time ago. The youngest is 10! 10 years ago is also a long time ago. As a new mom, I'd rather just have grandparents for friendly visits, special outings and emergencies.
I wouldn't hold it against MIL for saying no. I would, however, feel miffed if it was my own mom and if she were younger. We are missing important details, OP.

Maybe a compromise would be best? A day or two a week?

But you are entitled to be free if that is what you want. 100%

Get your daughter to ask about working tax credits as well because with that they can claim cash paid out to nursery/childcare,so it makes it affordable.

You must have a lovely relationship with daughter no 1's child. How many children is your other daughter asking you to look after? 2? 3? And all together at the same time or one at a time?
It sounds as if daughter no 2 did not ask you to help her whilst you were looking after daughter no 1's child. She probably thinks it ok now to ask for some help as you no longer have that responsibility.
Perhaps a compromise - offer to help one/two days a week?
My mil refused to do any childminding when my DS was born, said 'I've had my 3, I'm not doing any more.' (I was 41, she lived nearby, my DM lived 300 miles away). We bought childcare, we were both working in low paid jobs. Now a grown man, sadly DS now remembers his GM with little affection.
By contrast my DGM looked after me a lot as a child (DM & DF both worked) & spent hours talking to me as a teenager. I still miss her.
Yes, life is short & perhaps we do need a little 'me-time' occasionally but janzicb1's decisions/actions seem to have struck the right balance all round both for them and the grandchildren. Perhaps a good framework to follow/get ideas on how to handle the situation?

Buffy thank you for your comment. I never know if I am too much of a wimp or if the treatment I got is the current normal.
So many Grandparents on here are doing huge amounts of child care and it is just expected of them. The AC dont seem to see any need to reciprocate in any way. It is am imbalance.
Perhaps it is best to live at a greater distance.

I don't know why, but recently I've been very aware that in a few years time I won't be as mobile (on my feet and in my car) as I am now. I've loved my time 1-to-1 time with my DGD, who will start school soon, but I couldn't start over again with a newborn.
Our kids see us as we were when they were teenagers.

Your life and your decision. Remember we only live once. Xx

I was still working school terms when my grandchildren were born. My son’s in-laws did a huge amount to help and I felt guilty so I took them for some days each week during the school holidays. Although I loved having them this resulted in me returning to work unrefreshed. When we retired I said that we were there for them if needed but would not make a weekly commitment as we had never had the opportunity to go away in term times due to my work and were going to make the most of our time with a caravan. We have done this and helped out in the holidays and when needed. We have now been retired four years and the children have grown and no longer need as much care. The down side to this is I do envy the close relationship they have with their other gran.

I see the daughters side...
Favourites!

You did it for her, but now it's my turn, you don't want to!

Of course, no says you HAVE to, but come on, to out an absolute block on it is unfair, especially when you helped your other child.

I hate this sort of behaviour. I've seen it soo much. I suffered it as a foster child, and found I was punished at the slightest thing, especially if the foster person's kids said I done something, and of course, I hadn't, but I'd never be listened to.

My fiancee suffers this all the time from her.mothet.... the son can do no wrong, the grandchildren can do no wrong cz but my fiancee is always left out of everything.

My fiancee has cancer, and her mother hasn't called once in almost 6 months to ask how she is, despite my fiancee not being well enough to go down there.

When you have more than one child, you must, MUST make sure you treat both ewuslly., Otherwise it's favouritism.

Do you really need all 7 days a week to yourself? REALLY?

It gets hard to babysit kids when you reach a certain age, we have our great grandson every Friday from 8am to 5pm, he is now 2 and very active. We also have him when his other babysitters can’t take him. Presumably we will do this until he is school age. We also occasionally look after our two nieces ( 11 and 8) and our step great grand children ( 8 and 3) at the moment it is no problem for us as there are two of us. It does tie you up though and yes if you say no there is guilt involved. It must be a very hard decision to say no to your daughter Annie 221 but saying no is better than taking the children and resenting it