Childminder

My parents as grandparents helped my DSister on her return to f/t work, one full day a week, with her last pre school son. Her In Laws had to do one full day also, and her DH, my BiL, cut his hours for a year.

One day was enough for my then seventy something DPs. Could you not offer one consistent day a week Annie221 and specify maybe one child?

This might help your DD2 with childcare costs and also might mean she and her DH have to look elsewhere for more childcare. This would mean it isn’t all on you, with emergencies etc.

Good luck. Guilt is a tricky thing.

I agree with others perhaps 1 or 2 days a week. And limit school holidays. I'm a nan and a childminder, so looked after my gc, along with my childminded children. But I'm semi retired now and wouldn't want to look after gc full time again. To exhausting. And no freedom to do thing I want to do.

That’s a tough one. You did if for the first one, presumably saving her a fortune. I wonder if you have any thought to what would happen if your other daughter fell pregnant? I’m not saying it’s your fault, just that I can see tour other daughter might feel it’s very unfair when her sister has benefitted from free childcare.

Can you help out with one day a week perhaps?

OP can you make a compromise offer? Say you will help out for 6 months but you are older now.
Life changes, we change.
It will happen to both your DD's one day. I mean they will get older.
But younger people do not understand what a drop in energy levels being older can bring.

I agree with the poster who said why do the adult children have families if they have not factored in the impact of child care. Very few seem to actually discuss this with the grandparents before expecting them to take on child care.

I wanted to continue my career after two children so I was sterilised to ensure there were no more babies. Maybe a bit drastic now with more efficient methods of birth control.

Won't there be some animosity between your daughters with you having accommodate one and now saying no to the other? Of course you are entitled to have your own time. I would though feel quite guilty refusing in this instance.

Tell your daughter that you are quite a bit older now and can’t offer the same levels of childcare as you did before because you get tired much more quickly. Young people don’t understand the demands of old age. You could also say that you can’t make a firm commitment to definite times as you have doctor’s appointments etc which can pop up without warning and mean you might have to change arrangements at short notice, which obviously wouldn’t fit in with childcare commitments. You could offer to step in occasionally if there’s a real emergency.

My mum looked after my brother and sisters kids till they went to nursery/school, but whenever I asked I got a no. It hurt, even though I understood her training so please tread carefully and talk to her about it. I still feel hurt 18+ years later, even though I know there was no hurt or malice intended from my mum xxx

Not training - reasoning x

It is really hard at our age! I am 68 and look after one 3vyr old for 6 hours twice a week. I love him to bits but it does really tire me out, I work 2 mornings as well so I don't do the housework and gardening which needs doing on the days I'm off! I just haven't got the energy.

My mother was my childminder for 18 months but refused to do likewise for my sister some 8 years later. I do try to help out as much as possible but as my single daughter always says ‘they chose to have them’. I’ve stopped feeling guilty about saying no. We’ve all worked hard and brought up our own.

Annie221, looking at things quite bluntly, you are older now, you looked after one previously but are now being asked to take more than one both at the same time. Plus no doubt the original child during sickness, school holidays etc. Plus any more that may come along - because you will have set a precedent. Let's face it you now would like some time to enjoy your retirement while you both have your health, mobility, inclination and each other! Wanting to enjoy your lives is not selfish, you are being honest in admitting it. However, i can predict this being a future bone of contention if you don't set some ground rules now and inform both sets of parents. Tell them kindly but very firmly what you are and are not prepared to do so that any future claims of favouritism can be knocked into touch, but don't forget that you are not obliged to provide childcare. Maybe offer the new candidates 2 days a week, after all there was only one previously. Don't be emotionally blackmailed & listen to your gut instinct. A dear friend of mine decided on a certain age and then told her children no more childcare beyond that point and gave them due warning and she stuck to it (and in hindsight is glad she did, although it was hard at first because she's one of life's helpers).

It's a very difficult situation as others have already said, as you don't want to cause resentment. Thrte have been some good suggestions for compromising. I feel for you as I couldnt/wouldn't do it. I collect 2 grandsons twice a week from school and only have them for an hour. I have bad bouts of depression and even that us a struggle sometimes. However my dd and sil are very good and limit how much uch they ask me. Sadly for many grandparents, it turns into a chore because you don't have the energy that one used to.

I am afraid I am one of the just say no lot. First, no one asks before they get pregnant if you would mind, secondly just because you have done it for one doesn't mean doing for everyone else. You age and things change. Also what your time. Sorry but it wold be a big no no with no guilt.

Mollygo.... I do e a toy the same as you , only my day starts at 6am. I don’t drive so walk three miles to get there home by 7.00 ,get kids breakfast , daughter and son in law leave house at 7.30, see 12 year old off to his school , take 8 year old to her school . Back home on two busses.... do what I have to do ( disabled husband) ... start back at 2 o’clock , this time in two busses ( thank goodness for bus pass) pick up youngest at 3.30. Wait for eldest to co e home, get their dinner. Wait for parent to get home ( 5.30ish) then start back home in two busses. Get home about 6.15 and start our dinner . Only three days a week , but love it... and never been fitter . I’ll hate it when they dont need me anymore .

Is there another granny on the scene. If so could you share the childcare. When my first grandchild was born 19 years ago I used to look after him for one day and night over the weekend for mum and dad to have a break. Three more followed and I like to think that I've done my share. My daughter's girls are 7 & 8, and she's gone back to work 3 days a week, but as a nurse it's shiftwork. The other gran and myself take turns in having them after school etc but I'm in my 60's now and it's not half as easy as it was looking after the first one.

Annie221 - you have watched one GD who is now starting school. Now you are being asked to watch 'children' so more than one, both younger. You are getting older and probably four years older than you were when you first started looking after your GD. These things are easy to explain to your other daughter - it can't be helped that you are getting older and that her children are younger than the GC you looked after.
I also wonder whether there might be a compromise that keeps you in touch with the GC - like maybe you have them for one day a week. I realise that for you to be asked to look after two children probably means that you are 'free' whilst the child minder is not but you might make a partial offer.

It’s a bit difficult when you have done it for one of you AC and now your other one wants you to do the same, until schooltime, if it was me I’d say I will do it a couple of times week, that way you are still helping out and having a bit of time to yourself, there’s a lot of difference between watching one and watching more though, so I would explain to your daughter that you could do this couple of times week, but of course if you don’t want to just tell her the truth you are wanting and looking forward to metime

I've looked after GC for 17 years now ,I had one GD for half of every week for 10 years ,day and night as her parents split and Dad came home to us.He worked odd shifts so I looked after her.I loved it.I have a great relationship with all four now ,the eldest 17,txts me with photos of his attempts at cooking and asks me to rate them .The girls msg me almost daily to tell me things and ask for advice when mum isn't too good and tag me in FB posts Their mother is confined to bed with multiple health issues and I am so glad that they can turn to me whenever they need .
Theres a new baby now and I dont think I'll get her as her mum has a mum and 3 sisters and they already fight over who gets her so I'll be bottom of the list .I think it keeps you young ,you keep in touch with all the latest music and fashion and they are my joy and delight .I wouldn't change a thing .

Saggi you are some woman & your family are extremely lucky to have you. May you continue to be able to do all you do and may it continue to give you happiness.
Every person is different with varying levels of energy, wellness and affinity with youngsters.
It's very important to be true to oneself, to look after oneself.
We can admire the achievements of others while taking a healthy pride in our own.
It is a valuable gift to know oneself & ones own limitations.
If you try to do too much not only do you put your own wellbeing at risk but you also risk the wellbeing of those in your care.
Today's parents are under such stress they sometimes ask too much because they're overwhelmed themselves.
Plain talking is called for, as is compromise on all sides.
The parents themselves would benefit from a shorter working week ( where possible), the extra time spent with their children would pay dividends that far outweigh the sacrifices needed to offset the smaller pay slip.

Young children are hard work. There is a thread running on mumsnet at the moment where a mother feels guilty/sad because she does not enjoy looking after her small children on her day off from work. Many other mothers on mumsnet empathise with her and say they much prefer their working out of home days to their childcare days ...and they are much younger than we grandmas.

I understand where they are coming from in prefering the adult interaction of a working day to the often isolating and exhausting business of taking care of small children.

If some younger mothers feel this, it is no wonder that grandparents, older, easier tired and doing this for a second generation having brought up their own, sometimes feel the strain.

Of course some gps love it but there is no need to do it all over again if you are feeling past it this time or just want some me time. If I could I would offer one day, maybe Monday, having had the weekend and then the rest of the week, and emergency cover. Sometimes it seems as gps, we are reluctant to be honest in case we upset the apple cart. But our grown up children love us and should understand that with time, energy levels decrease, and we just can't do what we used to.

Also it's ok to want a little free time to do our own thing before we get too old. Good luck in sorting this op

Yanbu

Was there ever an agreement with both daughter's about this subject?

It is hard work and a big commitment and gets more difficult as you get older. Your health is a big factor. You may be fit and healthy now but you may not be in another five years time. Do the things you want to do now while you have the chance. There is a reason why we give birth when we are young!! Explain how you feel to your daughter. The guilt will wear off.

You brought your children up, explain you could have them , maybe once or twice a week, but you need time for yourself x

These are not your children, they are your children's children and their not your responsibility.