How do I continue living knowing contact with my family is over?

Like others, I think counselling would be a very good idea, but as Blubelle says, the waiting list is long on the NHS. If possible, try and get some privately, near me it is £50 per session and a block of 6 sessions is the usual amount offered. As regards the will, your daughter deserves absolutely nothing if she has made those dreadful remarks to you. You should definitely re-write it in favour of the grandchildren. However, if you just cannot bring yourself to disinherit your D, then split it 3 ways, D and DGC, the DGC not to get theirs until they are 25 (then hoepfully, their mother can't infulence them to give any of it to her). In the light of all this, and if you own your own house, I would definitely think about equity release (or something similar), then spend the blummin money on you! Go on holiday and see the world, buy some beautiful clothes, give some to charity, anything you want - obviously you have to factor in that you have many years left and budget accordingly - but just make sure you spend the money on you and leave them as little as possible!

Misty I was reduced to tears when I read your post. Whatever your D (I refuse to write DD) thinks or has been made to think about past events for her to treat you in this way is, dare I say it, evil. There has been much good advice here already about how to tackle matters, eg spend your money on yourself, leave a token £1 to your D, write letters to your DGC and especially leave ones with your solicitor. Make sure your D has no possibility to be executor of your will as if she is next-of-kin she could 'fire' a n other as being executor. I know it feels like it's somehow a 'betrayal' to disinherit your D but it seems to me that she is 'disowning' you so what makes her think she has any right to own your money after you are gone. Take ownership of yourself and your own estate. She is trying to put her will against your will, her resolve against any she thinks you will have. A person's Will is called that for a reason - if you will it to happen it should happen, it is the last testement we give in life, don't make it hers.
I am very concerned that you are alone with all this. Do seek help, do seek counselling. I've had counselling in the past, it made me stronger.
Do find hobbies & support in your community. Understandably that's very difficult to do atm but there are still some options. You haven't said whether you have pre-existing medical conditions to prevent you doing one thing I am going to suggest but if it's not prohibitive you could join the Covid-19 army of volunteers and get involved in any way you can. Sometimes when we are able to help others we are also helping ourself. There are also little schemes going round atm like writing postcards to drop through the letterboxes of those who are the most vulnerable during this virus outbreak. Don't feel alone Misty there are some lovely GNs here who will provide you some support & comfort in whatever way they can. & ((hugs)) from me.

I felt sad for you too Misty when I read your post. I would not waste any more time on the adults in this scenario, keep contact with your grandchildren any way you can. I would not engage in any discussion about your will with your daughter.
Spend your money on getting help with your depression and family issues and as Cherry said try to get involved in helping others who need and will be grateful for your help.
Take care

Thank you all so much for all your kind messages. I am truly touched and so very glad I shared my pain with you. I will take on board everything that you have written to me. I have already made a will but I believe I need to make some changes in view of it all. It will be hard to do but I must steel myself to do it. You're right of course and if my own family do not consider me family then they shouldn't expect to inherit from me when I am no longer there. If things greatly improve later on I can always change my will again. Thank you for giving me strength to face this. As money is tied up in my home I can't really afford to spend a lot on myself but volunteering is an excellent idea especially at the moment and is something I have done before and enjoyed immensely. No I don't have any underlying health conditions luckily. Private counselling is beyond my means once more but when this isolation is over I will take steps with my doctor's surgery and see. So many of you have suffered the same situation as myself, it seems to be a modern disease that makes the old invisible and the young totally selfish and indifferent. Thank you all so much for your wonderful messages.

Firstly you can leave you money and property to whomever you like. Just find a lawyer to write up your will. Secondly, things might be irrepairable with the DD but you are doing the right thing by keeping in touch with your GC, even if only by letter. Try to find a life or interest outside of all this, difficult at the moment with Covid but are there any voluntary organisations you could become involved with - anything to take your mind off things.

Misty, your situation is tragic, but it has been going on a a very long time.

There is a prayer, quite well known, that goes :
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sadly, you can do nothing to change the behaviour to you of your daughter and family, but you have the capacity to change yourself, to learn to live with your tragedy, that I know will never leave you, and build yourself a new satisfying and independent life, which is not defined by you relationshp with your daughter.

I’m so sorry to hear about your awful situation- one thing I do know though from experiencing it myself - is that your ‘counselling’ should encompass bereavement counselling- you are effectively mourning a loss - ie that of a relationship which has just as much of an emotional and psychological effect on a person. I wish you well and hope you gain some healing and closure ? and I should add you may realise that your daughter may have inherited traits/genes from her father - she sounds like an ‘affection less psychopath’ ( in psychiatric terminology) .

Misty. Sometimes we have to let the people we love go as they are bad for us. Your daughter is causing you much pain and heartache and you deserve to be happy.

Keep contact with your grandchildren. Send cards etc and definitely leave everything to them. Concentrate on your own life now. Get counselling to help you get back on track.

You will come through this as many of us have.

I haven't read all the responses because it is such an awful situation, just the first couple. I agree with BlueBelle leave whatever you haven't enjoying in the rest of you life to your GC. You can ask your solicitor to make it clear why you have done so. I expect there is a way it can be held for them until they are of age if you die unexpectedly early.

Have you considered contacting your ex to see if there is any way to reconcile?

In the meantime I think you need to see your GP and also try to get involved in local activities. It is surprisingly easy once you have taken the first few difficult steps. At the moment of course it can only be done online. You've made a start by coming on here. Have a look at some of the threads and get involved with the ones which interest you.

Good luck

I must respond now to the latest messages and thank you very much for your thoughtful comments. The will writing is one thing of course but it isn't really where the problem is. I clearly cannot say too much as this is very public. One message here stated that if there is no relationship with my DD there is therefore 0 relationship with my GCH. How very true that is! The 0 relationship with my GCH is the exact knife in the heart wording used by my DD to me a very short while ago when in one of her furious states. She has prevented me from seeing them, even as a new grandma I was told not to go and see the baby in the hospital as 'there were enough people here'. I tried discussing the whole thing with my daughter's father but to no avail, a man I helped and supported emotionally during dark times in his life years ago. He is the instigator of all this suffering and would never admit any responsibility. There is so much I could say but really it isn't possible and the accrued nastiness of my family over the years would be hard to read so yes you are right I have taken a first step and I must now work on myself to learn to accept that for now at least I won't be able to see my GDD and that my DD is not the loving youngster she used to be, that she no longer sees me as 'the best mother in the world' and that for my own self-preservation I must shield myself from her. Big hugs and heartfelt thanks to each of you.

Misty your grandchildren are 10and 12 in 6/8 years you can make your own contact so it won’t be for ever keep yourself well until that day
I would write a letter and cards for each birthday and Christmas to give to them when you do eventually see them and I m sure you WILL see them hold that thought in your heart
Don’t give up on the thought of counselling because of money There are some charities that will offer counselling free or for a nominal fee Do look into it Even consider joining a support group for estranged grandparents you may even make a friend
Fingers crossed you find some local support as well as on here
X

Make sure that your grandchildren can contact you when they're older. Sign up to Facebook, Twitter etc. and/or use these to search for them later when they are 18.

Build up your own life for now. As everyone's said, counselling, legal advice, new interests and self-preservation for the moment - and hope for the future.

Thank you all so much for the time you spent in writing to me and all your very helpful suggestions and support for me to get through this. I feel more hopeful now and I will think on all your kind thoughts. Please keep yourselves and your families well regarding the coronavirus. X

Im in a similar position and have been for years. I did change my will and cut daughters and grandaughters out, no I do not feel guilty, they cut me out of their lives so I owe them nothing.

Since this coronavirus Ive had emails from both daughters checking I am ok. Yes Ive replied to them, wether the emails continue remains to be seen. The adult grandaughters Ive not heard from, Ive no idea where either of them are!

Its not easy to forgive when youve had vitriol thrown at you for years, yes I will keep the communication lines open if I get a reply but Im not holding my breath on that one. There has to be a time us estranged parents have to move on for our own sanity.

Oh the temptation to send a short note to your daughter misty along the lines of ‘just to let you know that after the imposed lockdown here I intend to change my Will. I want to let you know so you won’t have a shock in the years ahead’.

Oh no no no umstrong can’t agree with that one that shouldn’t even be a vague thought it’s about fairness not punishment

Not even when punishment has been meted out from the other direction?

A bit too much ‘turn the other cheek’ for me I’m afraid.

Misty it might be worth trying mediation to see if the relationship can be repaired. If not then do as others have suggested and try to create a better life for you. Maybe volunteer in a primary school when covid19 is no longer a threat. Try and keep up to date with yout DGC’s learning by going on to BBC Teach so that you can ask them about their learning when you write to them. They may not reply but at least they know you care.
Petitfromage I wonder how long your DD has been in her relationship with SIL? Would it be worth using Claire’s Law to see if SIL has had convictions for domestic abuse in the past that DD could be informed of?
I feel so sorry for all of you suffering broken relationships and hope that you can find supportive relationships with other people.

Mediation can work IF the reasons for the estrangement are known and can be address.
Also IF both parties can compromise, are willing to work in it and dont want to be right/the other party is wrong.

It also depends on the estrangement reasons. Some cannot be mediated ever

So many grammar errors- hanging my head in shame

Grammatical

If you don't want to completely cut your DD out of your will, why not leave her a percentage and leave the rest to your GC?

Your post made me so sad, Misty22. As far as your D and SIL are concerned, I hope you can move on with your life without these people in it. Please don't allow them further opportunities to make you ill. As others have advised, make sure there will be ways for your DGC to contact you when they turn 18 if they want to. I do hope they do, but that may depend upon how you're being spoken about in the family. Just in case, leave them a letter with your will to tell them how much you've always loved them. And an inheritance.

I'm afraid I agree with Urmstongran. After hearing the way your D has gloated over the inheritance she will get, she wouldn't be getting a brass farthing. Do take legal advice though. In the UK you could cut her out of the will altogether, but some countries have laws that allow next of kin to inherit at least part of the estate, whatever the wishes of the legator.

Sorry, I meant to say I think you could cut her out of the will together, if you have stated why. And in England, not the UK. Oh for an edit button!

I hope you will be able to make contact with your grandchildren when they are grown up.

In case that doesn't work out as well as it might, I suggest, like Maggiemaybe, that you write a letter for them, to be kept with your will. Don't fill it with recriminations about your D and SiL, instead use it to explain how things have been from your point of view. Tell you GC that you've always loved them and tried to keep in touch.

If nothing else, it will help them to realise that there is another side to the story. Hopefully, it will never be needed.