My granddaughter said she hates me

Children have to be taught to care about other people's feelings. Obviously this little girl needs some training in politeness.

If I were in that position and could trust her parents I'd tell them what had happened and leave them to deal with it. You have done so and there is no more you can do except perhaps hope when she goes to school she will be taught empathy according to the capability of her emotional development.

This is especially difficult for you to be involved with considering your health problems. Please be assured your grand daughter's bad behaviour is not your responsibility. So you can emotionally distance yourself . You can do this by ignoring the naughty child or laughing at her tantrums.

I m truely sorry this isn’t a wind up because it’s awful

You said in your original post that they have no money because ‘they spend all their money on weed’ so you buy the children food and toys and clothesM well that is definitely something social services need to be involved in, and how can you be sure they aren’t smoking when they have the children

You say it’s not your fault the child has a phone because her mum bought it her but in your original post you say
the 5yr old's mobile phone broke last week so me and my partner bought her a brand-new one so whose fault is it she has a phone???
This is a disaster for all of you if you think her hissy fit was just childhood drama (which it may have been) why on earth have you blocked them all
so I told my son none of them have to contact me again and I have blocked them all routes If the children are all being neglected and having no money for food which IS sheer neglect, then you have now blocked all help that the two children were getting (Out of curiosity who feeds the eldest who’s not your granddaughter) if there’s no money in the home
I think you need help for your depression and social services need ringing back as regards the neglect of the children

I see that you are genuine and have thought hard before tapping on my keyboard!

A little girl of 5 would normally be expressing her self through art, role play dressing up etc.

By giving her a tool such as a phone she is being propelled into teenage.
She is using the phone to role play having heard adults and siblings possibly arguing over the phone.
This is what’s called learnt behaviour.

I suggest more age appropriate toys and games, less technology and time.

She doesn’t hate you, it’s a cry for help from a confused child.

In effect, any money that's going to the family is being spent on weed and not the children ? This is a serious situation that urgently needs resolving. I don't understand why social services haven't intervened in a more positive way.

nana I’m sorry your granddaughter has upset you. She is only 5 and at that age children banter emotions around all the time. Their thoughts and language is limited. I hate you is easy to say because they know it hurts without really understanding why. If they are hurt themselves they often say things like this. It doesn’t sound as though your grandchildren have the best of lives and maybe home life is a bit turbulent. It sounds as though your son was upset she spoke to you like that so he realises how much you help. I think cutting them off is rather drastic especially if they need your money for food. I would just see how this evolves. Children of that age need love she is still very young to understand what is going on.

You are the adult in this situation. She was wrong but she did not mean it and you can not hold her to adult standards. Your son should get her to apologise and she should have her phone removed.
However. She is a neglected child. You can’t expect her to be perfect because she is being hurt continuously.
She matters more here. If you block her and sulk then you are just another adult abusing her.

Are you getting treatment for your own problems during the pandemic?
Un-block them from contact, but don't make contact yourself, just bide your time until things quieten down a bit. When the children start missing the gifts (replacement phone!) they will start to contact you again.
But sadly that isn't love is it? And you know this don't you?
You have been rejected, I know it hurts (I'm in that position but for very different reasons we won't go into here) but accept it.
It will take years to heal this, but a child of 5 doesn't have the maturity to cope with this, and to expect her to apologise is unreasonable - she's NOT sorry and she's NOT old enough to realise the need for an apology.
Can you wait? Can you stop picking at this like an itching scab? Can you give it a set time, say a month, before you even open their page and look?
Do try, and don't blame the child, please.

It's not the child's fault, she is just acting what she has seen modeled no doubt. She is not too young to apologise though. At 5 I knew to apologise when I'd been mean. You bet my 5 year olds would have been talked to about other people's feelings (given guidance) and that we apologise when we upset someone wrongly. That's social learning and that's important. Whether she will get that kind of guidance is another thing. Not her fault if she doesn't. That's on the parents.

Having read further posts, so sorry for your depression.

As others have stated, they're very young, "hate" is just a word to say when maybe your granddaughter can't articulate what she is really feeling. She can't know what that word really means, children say it all the time. You unfortunately were in the firing line, at a time when she may well have been angry about something else. I wouldn't cut off contact from the children it's not their fault, they seem to be raising themselves to a certain extent and have been propelled into an adult world beyond their comprehension hence displaying precocious behaviour and language. I would continue helping with the cost of food if you are able to do that, but you don't keep having to buy them fripperies, toys and such, it will cultivate an expectation and no doubt subliminally plant the notion that you are a constant source of treats, possibly undermining valuable care you give.

I hope you manage to sort something out and continue seeing them.

Exactly my toughts Lucca.
Sounds like a spoilt brat.
But nanof2,you must not take it to heart,she is only 5 and you should not spoil them hence no respect for you.

BB sorry I haven't explained right, my son and his ex are both on benefits and his ex gets all the money for the children 3 of them, also they are not neglected not by a long shot. As for weed none is smoked Infront of the children and I spoke to my son regularly over the phone and they were at my house 2 of 3 of the days my son has them and I would know by his voice, eye's and I would smell it on him. Social services say that I would be surprised at the amount of young parents who take drugs far worse than weed but that's modern times. My granddaughter is at school and they are happy with her work,mood and she makes friends very easily but she doesn't take anyone's non sense,her mum is a good mum that just finds it a bit hard to cope at times and there's nothing wrong with that and asking for help. The children can't wait to see their dad so that proves they are well looked after and same with their mum when she has them.
I'm not saying anyone in particular on the replies I have had but some need to go and get upto date on MODERN parenting as most mothers and fathers are really young these days, I am only 45 and even I am shocked by some parenting ideas these days.

I’m 28.
So you can’t call me old or out of touch. Go on MN and try and tell them that your sons parenting is modern.

It’s not. It’s neglectful and lazy.

Time2go2016
Why would you even call any child a brat? Spoilt fair enough but I take exception to the brat part, and what's the point of me and my son doing stuff to teach her when she goes back home and is allowed to misbehave.

MN? You're 28 thought this was for grabs?

So sorry this is happening. But now is not the time to back off , you have to be the adult here those little girls need you . You’ve been the constant in their life so far. Tell her the words she used have consequences and how much they hurt you . Keep showing them right from wrong. Good luck.

Ocean mama, I totally agree she should've apologised but she doesn't because she refuses.

Yes. I am and it’s an open forum that is available to all.

ExD, no I don't get any help and I have been waiting for help with my mental health issues for 8 years, we live in a poverty area and the resources are over stretched I'm always told. I don't go out I was last out in January, my partner has a mobility scooter as he has emphysema so he gets shopping in and my son used to get me other stuff in.

Bobbitt, oh right I won't come on here anymore then because at 28 you won't have had much experience with children as I have I have been around kids of all ages since I was 11. I was looking for older people's take on my problem as if to see what my own mum would've said. No offence intended.

Katyj, thank you.

You are not coming across as exceptionally grounded.
You are going to leave a public, open and well used forum because younger people are on here?
Do you not remember your registration? Did they ask for your age or any of your details?

I may not have grown children and you may have more experience but it does not make you better. And I’m more and more sure of that the more you post.

Sorry but in the first post you said you give your son money for food because, quote him and his new partner spend all their money on weed and then in a subsequent post you justify it by saying * Social services say that I would be surprised at the amount of young parents who take drugs far worse than weed but that's modern times* .
It’s amazing that your son smokes all his money away on weed but you never see or smell it and you are confident he doesn’t do it round the children ( I dont share that confidence) so here’s a few questions
Why isn’t he working ?
Why are you supporting him ?
Do you realise you are an enabler ?
Ask yourself why you are feeding and clothing his children while he smokes his money away on weed
Does his ex smoke weed too.?
I completely disagree that most young parents smoke weed many don’t, many work hard to feed their own children

I think they are a lot more worries in this case than a petulant 5 year old saying ‘I hate you‘ which most 5 year olds do at some point

Nanaof2 if both your GDs are using Snapchat at 5 and 8 they are at risk. The age for using it is 13 years and it is impossible to set up an account for such young children so someone must have set it up for them using fake birthdates. I suggest you warn social services again, or tell your DS to remove them from the site. It's bad enough at 5 &8 that they have phones. If there is no money for food who is paying for them? They are not free to use.

Two things in your story stand out, and to me, they are more concerning than your Grandchild having a tantrum -

Your son and his partner "spend all their money on weed". Do they go to work? Are they fit to look after the children really, if they don't provide proper food and care?

Your 5 year old grandchild has got a mobile? 5?!

I think you should have a real talk to the couple and tell them to buck their ideas up or else.

If you don’t stop the indulging
You’ll be back here in another 15 years talking about your greatgrandchilds mistreatment of you. You indulged her father, you’ve indulged her, and now you have two generations of toxic relationships. You should cut off all gifts, babysit as needed, and if you fund anything it’s parenting classes for your son and therapy for his children.