Daughter doesn’t understand

I would not want to stay with my parents after having a new baby if I had four other children and a partner. I would prefer to have help with the children, shopping and so-on in my own home.

If you can’t help then that’s the situation. It’s sad but it is what it is.

What a fool of a girl as my Nana says.
She has decided to have 5 children. Hopefully she has worked out how this keeps happening and has decided to continue. None of that is your problem.

You have offered what you can. She needs to take responsibility for her actions.

I’d respond with you’re embarrassed to have to tell your friends that your daughter keeps bringing children into a situation she can’t cope with.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Living 2 hours away, you can’t be expected to drop everything and go to her house, and it’s not as though she hasn’t had months to sort out arrangements for when the new baby arrives.

How old are the other children? Could you offer to have them for a few days (at a convenient time) to give her a break and some time with her partner and the baby? That might be more help to your daughter than having her stay with the baby away from her home, where she may want to establish a routine.

No you're not being selfish or unreasonable at all, but your daughter is. You've offered what help you realistically can.
Doesn't she get on with her mother-in-law? Is mother-in-law happy to help?

My Mum was a teacher and couldn't come to stay after any of my three babies were born.

Yanbu.

We talked about it before and it was decided her mil would be better placed being 5 mins away and she could come and stay with us after to rest with the baby

Do you mean that she was involved in that discussion or was that decided by you and her father?

Is there a reason why she doesn't want her MIL to look after the children?

I would suggest sitting down again with her, finding out what she is feeling/why she wants this help etc and just listening. When she has finished, put the reality of your own situation and reference that to the impact on her situation when she as the baby...showing that you are not the instant solution for her problem, because of your circumstances

Then tell her the options of help that you ARE able to offer and let her choose which one of those options she would prefer

If she says that her friends parents behave differently just say "that is lucky for them. Because of …...we are unable to do that." Then repeat the options that you are able to offer

She does sound, from your description, to be rather selfish and unrealistic, but she is also understandably very stressed and worried so keep that in mind in discussions and try to avoid conversations descending into arguments as that will help none of you, least of all your daughter who I am sure you are concerned about, understandably

Write down what you can manage and what you can’t Try not to let emotions come into it just put down exactly what help you are able to offer on a Monday Tuesday Wednesday etc etc there are four of you, her partner, mother in law, you and your husband so between you you should be able to cover a couple of weeks
Can all of you get together to work it out ?
She’s probably panicking, she probably realises she’s made a mistake having a fifth baby and needs to blame someone else

What age are the children she already has ? I take it they are not all the partners ?

The problems you describe seem to occur more and more frequently in threads on GN. Have you in the past always sorted all her problems, been available to help with everything? Because if that is so, she probably measures your love for her by how much you are prepared to be at her beck and call.

If she is grown up enough to have 5 children, she is grown up enough to look after them without expecting her parents to step in everytime the going gets difficult

I do not say that some grandparents will not by proper negotiation provide regular childcare, or that almost any grandparent will be availabl to help in an emergency. But that is very different from being constantly at a childs beck and call after they become fully and legally adults.

I agree with others, that the solution is to sit down calmly with your daughter and discuss this issue and try to reach an agreement about how much help you can and will provide.

By the way do not believe any of those stories about all the help other grandparents provide. Remember all the stories children tell when they really want something 'But everybody else has one'. That wasn't true at 15 and it isn't true at 30 plus either.

“ If you can’t help then that’s the situation. It’s sad but it is what it is.”

I don’t think it’s sad. OP clearly works in a school And so you cannot take time off for that sort of thing.
I agree with others that this needs a sit down chat as things may have been said in the wrong way or in haste.

I find your daughters attitude awful.

As parents we help if our circumstances allow and if we want to.She needs to accept responsibility for her actions and learn to manage her own life.If her mother in law lives five minutes away and she has friends can they not help?You live two hours away and work so cannot help.They are the facts.

If we solve all our childrens problems for them,how will they manage when we are not here anymore.

I would say to her,you know the situation with work and distance and that we are unable to help much as we would like to.Maybe you could go over a couple of weekends but only do what you physically feel able to do.

Some really good advice has been given Seasalty and I hope you find it helpful.

As of today, if you live in Britain this will be a mute point as your D, her partner and when the new baby arrives 5 children would mean you that going to help would depend on there being no more than 5 in their house if you go alone, or 4 if your H goes with you.

Lucca

“ If you can’t help then that’s the situation. It’s sad but it is what it is.”

I don’t think it’s sad. OP clearly works in a school And so you cannot take time off for that sort of thing.
I agree with others that this needs a sit down chat as things may have been said in the wrong way or in haste.

You can actually ask for leave of absence for these situations if you work in a school.
Not that I'm saying op should but you can get this

As previous posters have said, she’s chosen to have 5 children she should plan her coping strategies and not rely on you. You would be a group of more than 6, unless this is allowed in these circumstances.
Many of us raised our broods with little or no parental help. Tough I know, but these are tough times. At least the in laws are close. As for being embarrassed by friends .......Well!

I think you need to look at where this is coming from, your daughter sounds unsupported and desperate and... Well has reverted right back to "I want my mum".

Unfortunately your obligations and distance makes that difficult, even without current regulations.

Maybe try to offer lots of emotional support. When she says she wants you to come help, empathise and say "I wish I could, I'm sorry".

Difficult with pregnant people to know where they are with wonky hormones and resulting depression or anxiety.

I expect it is also hard for you not being able to be there but she can't see that right now.

I think if you are patient and keep supporting her emotionally, even if you can't physically, this will pass.

Oh some comments not very nice '5th baby a mistake' and assuming the 5 children had different fathers. In my opinion that sounds judgemental. I was taught 'assume' means making an 'ass out of u and me'.

Loopylu I can see nowhere where any one has suggested anything of the sort!

You can only help if you are free to do so. If you have work commitments you are not. What other parents do is irrelevant. Neither she nor you know their life circumstances. It is very unkind to claim that you are uncaring because your circumstances do not allow you to help. All you can do is explain this to her, though why you should have to, when she is a grown woman, I cannot understand. Also, comments about the splendid nature of other people's parents sound very like the sort of arguments teenagers produce when they cannot get their own way.

I think you're right, Starblaze. Emotional support is a good idea in this situation.

Regarding the mother-in-law thing... most mums would prefer their own mother helping I think. My own preference would be to just struggle through but I know this is not most people's first choice.

Both my daughters who have families were very keen for my support and I did drop everything for them having discussed it beforehand with my managers. I did drive four hours "at the drop of a hat" for one of them.

Clearly we don't know the whole situation here but we do accept that Seasalty is unable to be there in person. She has said so. Her husband is self employed and can't go either - so really, unless the daughter's partner is part of the problem, they will get through it. Lots of support by phone and text, maybe organising a delivery of easy meals or offering support by taking the older ones out for a day (once the OP and her husband can make a gap in their schedule) is a good way forward.

... besides which, unless they are in Scotland, given there will already be 7 of them, Seasalty would not be allowed to visit.

PTWN

Lucca

“ If you can’t help then that’s the situation. It’s sad but it is what it is.”

I don’t think it’s sad. OP clearly works in a school And so you cannot take time off for that sort of thing.
I agree with others that this needs a sit down chat as things may have been said in the wrong way or in haste.

You can actually ask for leave of absence for these situations if you work in a school.
Not that I'm saying op should but you can get this

I’m only basing this on my experience as a teacher, and it would have been impossible !

a partner who gives her extremely little help himself

No-one has mentioned this guy, who should be making more effort.

Farnorth, I was wondered if he might be part of the problem.

I think your daughter is being ridiculous. Her MIL lives very near, so she could be called upon. Your SIL is really the one who should help look after the children and home - he'll get paternity leave, won't he?

M0nica - The problems you describe seem to occur more and more frequently in threads on GN

And yet of you read mumsnet new mothers are working out how to keep their parents and inlaws away!!

Stand your ground in the nicest possible way. Perhaps then she will stop having children that she can't cope with. She is the one being selfish.