Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

I’d like some advice about helping my distressed friend.

(105 Posts)
aonk Fri 25-Sept-20 17:04:41

I would like to offer help to a close friend. She’s in her early 70s, very active and has always lived alone. She copes very well indeed but has always been able to spend Christmas with relatives. She has phoned me in tears because it looks like she could be alone this year. If the rule of 6 is still in force she won’t be able to visit the relatives. There are already 6 people in their household. I can’t invite her to my house for the same reason. We will spend the 2 days with one or other of our AC and will be 6 in total. Of course I will invite her or visit her at other times during the holiday period. I’d like to have some suggestions for her when we next meet up. She could afford a few days in a hotel if that would be possible. I don’t think she would be comfortable doing voluntary work during the festive season. Does anyone have any thoughts on how I could best help her? She’s very depressed about this.

Kim19 Sun 27-Sept-20 13:10:39

BlueBelle, you're on fire. Keep going. Terrific.

Susieq62 Sun 27-Sept-20 13:49:53

I would suggest the following:
1. Organise a lovely day alone with special treats from her favourite food store.
2. Volunteer at a local Salvation Army or homeless organisation which is offering help at Christmas
3. Go on an organised coach trip to a hotel fir the festive break,
4, Invite another single person to spend the day with her, plan a walk, pack a picnic plus Prosecco etc

Then later, have a day with the friends who were not available

It can be a lonely time even in normal circumstances but we have to be inventive and creative to cope with what is being thrown at us. Where is she based?

glammagran Sun 27-Sept-20 14:34:42

Which is probably safer?

Six single individuals choosing to spend Christmas together from a variety of settings and circumstances.

A couple who happen to have 3 young children. They would have to choose one GP or to have neither.

Sparklefizz Sun 27-Sept-20 14:48:26

CleoPanda

Oh my, it makes my blood run cold when I see some of the selfish comments on here such as we will all be together no matter what!!!
Multiply this by thousands across the country and it’s clear that the virus will spread hugely leading to complete lockdown.
Clearly these people have not had the virus or lost someone through it. No thought about anyone other than their own gratification.
Sorry about the rant but thinking you can do whatever you want or treat Christmas as if it’s a virus free holiday is lunacy.
Having been very ill, believe me, you do not want it or want to spread it.
None of us are more special or deserving than everyone else, yet so many people think they’re the exemption.

Totally agree CleoPanda.

sharon103 Sun 27-Sept-20 14:51:39

DanniRae

I think there will be a special arrangement for Christmas Day to allow families to be together - There is 7 of us so I sincerely hope this will happen!!

I read about a week ago on yahoo news that Boris was considering that we in England could have a break in the rules for 24 hours on Christmas day.
It didn't go down very well the the others though but we can but hope can't we.

H1954 Sun 27-Sept-20 15:15:59

She certainly won't be the only one! There'll be countless people in exactly the same situation. In her shoes I would be looking to swallowing my pride and volunteering, although I wouldn't need to swallow mine! It is only two days!

sodapop Sun 27-Sept-20 15:17:49

Hope someone told the virus about the Christmas Day amnesty.

Pippa22 Sun 27-Sept-20 15:19:52

DanniRae, why would there be special arrangements just because it’s Christmas ? We are in the midst of a deadly pandemic and it is very flippant to say that there might be special arrangements, for Christmas ! Why would the virus not spread just because it’s Christmas. We all need to take this seriously.

JaneRn Sun 27-Sept-20 15:41:51

Pippa22

I chose to spend Christmas on my own a couple of years ago and at the risk of hurting the family's feelings I enjoyed it! It sounds very selfish, but we oldies have had years and years of Christmas festivities before , on and after the day, that I found it quite a relief to close the door on Christmas Day and do exactly what I chose to do, when to do it . including food and drink.
I think we all must keep a sense of perspective. We are in the middle of a pandemic, we cannot know how long it will last or how severe it may or may not become. For two days can we not just be grateful we are still alive?

Jaye53 Sun 27-Sept-20 15:52:52

tell her most councils now offer a free lunch out for people lonely at Xmas on their own so she can enquire NOW to get her name down! also Age Concern may help and her local Churches all do something at Xmas

skate Sun 27-Sept-20 16:31:40

I'm afraid I have little patience for people moaning about their Christmas going wrong. Plenty of us are in their 70's and on their own with no direct family and just get on with it. Thousands, millions are far worse off, so enough with the self pity and be grateful for what you have. I will probably be shot down now.

Judy54 Sun 27-Sept-20 17:08:59

aonk you sound a lovely caring friend to have. There are some excellent suggestions here on how your friend could spend Christmas day. I would go one step further and plan something for next year when (and not if) things get better, such as a lunch or afternoon tea together. You could also do a belated Christmas day lunch with all the trimmings, put the tree and decorations up and celebrate. That is exactly what we are planning to do probably at Easter and why not! Christmas day can be any day you choose. Enjoy!

Happyme Sun 27-Sept-20 17:30:40

Daughter and family live a five hour plus drive away ( dependant on how bad M6 roadworks are and how many lorries have crashed on M5 ) . They normally try to visit during the Christmas holidays. In view of the uncertainty and anticipating further restrictions we snuck in a quick visit last week and enjoyed a lovely "alternative to Christmas" day out. Presents were bought and a lovely lunch had at a posh restaurant. Enjoyed it so much we may have to make it a regular event.....tho maybe not as early as September. I often find the pressure to make Christmas a happy day for everyone actually spoils the enjoyment. Those years that circumstances have forced a change to the usual have ended up being the most relaxed and fun. As long as those I love are happy and healthy I am fine with where ever the day finds us.

Happyme Sun 27-Sept-20 17:47:37

Sorry aonk, that didn't help answer your original question did it! Can't really add to the good advice given previously. Your friend probably needed a sympathetic ear, which you have given her, and is now in a better position to put things in perspective. She sounds like a proactive and independent person and as others have said Christmas is a long way off so she has lots of time to make alternative plans. This situation can feel overwhelming at times I know.

Tweedle24 Sun 27-Sept-20 20:06:48

The rule states that if her support household has more than six, she can still go and spend Christmas with them. This is one of the exemptions so, as long as the family she plans to stay with are one household, there is no problem.

Jaxjacky Sun 27-Sept-20 20:38:15

Tweedle24 OP didn’t state if its her bubble just relatives, who she may not have seen for a while, who maybe socialising elsewhere.

Susiewong65 Sun 27-Sept-20 20:56:54

Maybe you could encourage your friend to have a different sort of Christmas this year and host Christmas for someone else for a change!
I have come across many single people over the years and they have each felt perfectly entitled to put themselves on others at Christmas and not one of them has felt that it was inconvenient to the host or that the favour should be reciprocated.
Rather cheeky I think.

Sunshine6 Sun 27-Sept-20 20:57:02

Im afraid everything is unquantifiable, with this virus around. Theres a lot of time between now & 25th December so who knows what the situation and restrictions may be. If still ongoing, everyone will have less of a Christmas but theres a killer virus out there and we have to accept the reality of the situation, and feel very lucky, just to be alive.

EmilyHarburn Sun 27-Sept-20 22:12:43

Hotels are doing christmas parties and christmas party nights. It may be an opportunity for your friend to branch out a bit and find a new social setting where she will enjoy herself.

Example
www.innontheprom.co.uk/?offers=special-offers

nexus63 Sun 27-Sept-20 23:20:39

does your friend have another single friend, you can form an extended household if both people are single, it would mean that you could visit and stay at each others house, i am in scotland so i don't know if the rules are different for the rest of the uk, my partner and i do not live together so we have done this , it means he can visit and stay at the weekend

BassGrammy Mon 28-Sept-20 00:02:07

It’s all scaremongering.....telling the students they may not get home for Christmas too. It’s THREE months away, why do we have to know now and worry about it! I don’t think the government or anyone will want to spoil Christmas unnecessarily, but if the situation in December dictates that We cant mix with other households, we will just have to accept it, in the same way that most of us have accepted other things. I would hate that to happen so perhaps if we are to avoid that, we need to ensure that we stick to the rules between now and then and try to make a difference.

GrauntyHelen Mon 28-Sept-20 00:35:57

I have spent many Christmas days alone some by necessity some by choice and I have thoroughly enjoyed the indulgence of pleasing only me My fave foods TV lots of time to read and rest just bliss Currently married and looking forward to not having to travel to family live to their timetable and be stressed out by it all Covid gives us the reason to spend the day together and please ourselves The key is not to dread the day but to design it to suit you and delight in it

Elrel Mon 28-Sept-20 01:45:54

I normally greatly enjoy a pre-Christmas weekend when my son and his children visit me and have the tree, presents, dinner etc. Then I have an extended visit to my daughter (a Christmas Day baby) and family for Christmas and New Year.
Since March I’ve barely left the house except for eye surgery. I’ve seen my only my son, once for 10 precious minutes.
I’m assuming I’ll be on my own this Christmas and shall just make the best of it.
As Bluebelle and others have said it is only one day. I dislike the expression ‘man up’ but it does come to mind...

H1954 Mon 28-Sept-20 08:02:47

skate

I'm afraid I have little patience for people moaning about their Christmas going wrong. Plenty of us are in their 70's and on their own with no direct family and just get on with it. Thousands, millions are far worse off, so enough with the self pity and be grateful for what you have. I will probably be shot down now.

Well said skate! I have already made a comment on this thread but your words are so true.

MerylStreep Mon 28-Sept-20 08:42:23

Over the years Ive volunteered for many Xmas days.
The Quakers were the best to work with.
The Salvation Army: too ridged in their thinking.
Age Concern: not very organised ?
There are thousands of people, Young and old in this position every single year.