Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Anxious time, what to do?

(69 Posts)
hollysteers Fri 23-Oct-20 11:18:15

My single younger brother in Scotland is going through a very bad time, his son is in prison, has mental issues and is on the phone to him every day affecting his health and well-being. He has a couple of trials coming up and my brother dreads him being let out next year sometime, but nothing is certain. He is a rather dangerous individual sadly and wants to return to live with my brother (his mother is dead) which would be a disaster.
My brother would like to stay with me for a break for a few days as he does in normal circumstances as we are very close, but I am in Level 3 and not sure what to do. I would love to give him a much needed break, I have plenty of space to keep our distance. Would this situation fall into vital care or similar?

hollysteers Mon 26-Oct-20 01:01:46

Thank you all Gransnetters for your wise and varied advice. Yes, I will go ahead and allow a short visit, you have made good suggestions about isolating too. What a boon to be able to open up and receive impartial advice! Be kind is at work here.?

Bibbity Sun 25-Oct-20 21:28:26

Screw the bubbles. When someone’s MH is this fragile you do what you can.
He’s less likely to die of Covid but suicides have increased.
I know which one I’d be more worried about.

Shizam Sun 25-Oct-20 20:29:43

Yes, I would have him to stay, considering the circumstances. Your brother is lucky to have you care for him. All the best to you.

Caro57 Sun 25-Oct-20 19:39:43

Have him stay, the risks to his mental health are far greater. Yes we all need to be careful but we have to keep Covid in perspective

jerseygirl Sun 25-Oct-20 19:11:18

i would let him come and stay if it was me. Lifes too short and he needs your help. Good luck

Whatdayisit Sun 25-Oct-20 16:11:45

Yes and i hope he comes soon and you can support each other. Good luck.

Hydra Sun 25-Oct-20 16:07:54

Definitely come and stay with you
It is a Carer situation and common sense needs to prevail

ajswan Sun 25-Oct-20 16:01:10

Hetty58; why don’t you take the trouble to read the original post instead of being so nasty. It was her Brother that wanted to stay. What a uncaring person you are.

4allweknow Sun 25-Oct-20 15:16:53

Unfortunately you can only be on one bubble so as it stands you can't have anyone else join yours. Awful situation for your brother. Surely he can advise social work/criminal justice about his feelings regarding his son wishing to live with him and they can direct Court on how to insist he doesn't live with his Dad. Perhaps when you are in a lesser Covid group you can have your brother stay for a break.

f77ms Sun 25-Oct-20 15:04:59

I thinkhe also needs some help and advice about what to do about his son. I think there are on line forums for families of people who are in prison which may be of help. There is no reason why he should be forced to take his son back if its going to affect his own mental and physical health. I think the prison service will find accomodation if people have no where to go. It sounds like a desperate situation if the son is dangerous or unstable for your brother to cope with. A break with you would give him time to talk through through.

homefarm Sun 25-Oct-20 14:55:56

From what you say it sounds as though your nephew is actually on remand and not yet convicted. Daily telephone calls are not usually available to convicted prisoners as they have limits on prisoner weekly spends.
If this is so then the probation service and parole board will have something to say about where he will reside on release, it won't necessarily be up to your nephew.
As to your brother do what is best for him and you.
Good luck

Cid24 Sun 25-Oct-20 14:29:06

Absolutely let him visit! His mental health is more important !

focused1 Sun 25-Oct-20 14:08:48

I feel you need to just take your circumstances into consideration . Maybe both have a test for Covid then if all clear let him come . My son had to quarantine at a friends with his own ensuite and a balcony but after that he would have been homeless as he has been working in USA - now in UK looking for work but with no income can't rent a flat etc . We just about made the T3 deadline but if I am honest he would have come anyway. Mental health and family well being is important. You are not letting a gang in , just one family member you love and trust who needs a helping hand and he won't forget this .

GrauntyHelen Sun 25-Oct-20 14:03:38

You can't end one bubble and start another as some suggest but you are covered by caring for a vulnerable person exception

Buffy Sun 25-Oct-20 12:30:01

You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t help your brother when he needs you so badly. Do it.

rafichagran Sun 25-Oct-20 12:24:03

Read OP 2nd post at 11.29 Lemsip

rafichagran Sun 25-Oct-20 12:19:36

Read the OP 2nd post Grannie she quite clearly states she is in a bubble with her son 30 miles away.

Brismum Sun 25-Oct-20 12:18:25

Let him come for the good of both of you. There are circumstances where two bubbles are allowed legitimately and I feel this situation falls into that category. Stay safe .

TrixieB Sun 25-Oct-20 12:03:27

Family first. Your brother needs help with his mental health and I’m sure you’ll both be prudent re Covid precautions.
Good luck!

Chinesecrested Sun 25-Oct-20 11:53:31

I'm in a bubble with my bf who lives 150 miles away

GoldenAge Sun 25-Oct-20 11:31:01

This is definitely a welfare issue and you should invite your brother despite your bubbling with your son who you see infrequently. It makes absolutely no difference. You and your brother live alone and for a few days or weeks you could live together without endangering anyone. Indeed you could invite your brother to come and be your employee doing odd jobs and that would be perfectly OK because it would be classed as helping the economy. Frankly, as long as you can have your cleaner in your house on however many occasions a week you wish and still remain in your bubble, it's incredulous to think it would be wrong by anybody's standards to reject your brother who is in need of emotional support.

Parsley3 Sun 25-Oct-20 11:26:43

Have your brother to stay and then both of you can self isolate if you feel it is necessary. Good luck.?

micky987 Sun 25-Oct-20 11:23:59

My concern is with the nephew who is suffering from mental health issues. If the brother stays wiTh the OP will he still take phone calls from his son? The nephew may be in prison but due to mental health he might be scared, confused, knows he does bad things but is confused because he cant control what he does. He clearly needs at the very least, emotional comfort which is probably why he calls his Dad every day.

icanhandthemback Sun 25-Oct-20 11:18:43

I meant to add to my previous post, if your brother is having issues, I would not hesitate to have my brother to stay. I would recommend he had a test first to check he hasn't got Covid-19 and that he isolates for a few days before he comes for both your sakes. It's what they do before you fly or enter hospital so it seems a good precaution.
As to your brother's son, I suggest he approaches the Prison and talks to them about his release. He needs to make it clear that he cannot have his son to live with him but his son will need support for his mental health issues if he is not going to keep returning to the prison. If he hasn't been to trial yet, it might be worth contacting his solicitor to ask if your brother can be included in the pre-sentencing reports so that the court is aware of his needs. I don't know if that is possible but I do know that when my ex had reports done, they came to speak to me about what his home life would be like.

Lancslass1 Sun 25-Oct-20 11:14:22

I think by now you know what to do ,Hollysteers.
Let your brother come to stay.
If neither of you is in another bubble that is fine.
If you are ,exit the present bubble and you can return at a later date as Jillybird suggests.
All the bes5 to you.