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Is be ok to say I’m worried?

(51 Posts)
honeyrose Fri 20-Nov-20 11:13:07

My SIL has some health problems at the moment - I don’t want to be too specific here, but suffice it to say, the problems could possibly be serious. He is still working (self employed), but is awaiting more investigations into his health problems. Of course, the NHS is under enormous strain at the moment, and there may be delays with these tests. Should I offer to pay for him to go for tests privately? I don’t think they would take me up on this as they’re very independent, but I would be fully prepared to pay. They normally rely on the NHS rather than pursuing private health care. My DD is a real worrier and has anxiety/depression anyway. Is it ok to say that I, too, am worried about SIL? I do try to reassure my DD (but I don’t think she feels reassured as I’m a good listener, but not a good advisor) and I find it difficult to know how to respond when she’s in a state of anxiety, apart from heartfelt empathy and offers of support. I then worry myself stupid, knowing that she’s worried, but I don’t let on! If I tell her not to worry, it seems dismissive and if I express that I’m as worried as she is, this doesn’t feel quite the correct response either, so I try to find the middle ground. I don’t know what to do, but I do worry about DD, SIL and my GC and desperately want to do the right thing to help them.

honeyrose Fri 20-Nov-20 11:14:11

Title should say “is it ok to say i’m worried”! Should have double checked!

Auntieflo Fri 20-Nov-20 11:16:07

When one of our grandsons was needing treatment, we offered to pay for a private consultation.
You can only offer, and hope it is taken in the spirit in which it is offered

Witzend Fri 20-Nov-20 11:17:46

I’m sure some people will say it’s against their principles to go private, but if you can afford it, then I’d certainly offer. And one way to look at it is, that at least it’d mean one other person moving up the waiting list for such tests.

BlueBelle Fri 20-Nov-20 11:21:18

Why not hold fire a bit and see if the NHS do come up with the necessary tests but then if you know there’s going to be a worryingly long wait offer for sure and if it makes them feel better and preserve their dignity make it a loan that way they can feel it’s in their controls on,y you know which way would be best but I d just see what the nhs say first

Sarnia Fri 20-Nov-20 11:21:31

If I were in your shoes and had the means to help I would discuss it with them. Speed is important with tests because if something does show up that needs further investigation or procedure then you are offering to give your SIL a better chance. NHS waiting lists do seem to be at an all time high. I wouldn't mention too much about the worry side of things just that he can be seen earlier if he goes private and that could pay dividends. Good luck. Hope your SIL will be ok.

Tangerine Fri 20-Nov-20 11:25:26

Why not offer and see what they say?

Whatever happens in the future, you can say to yourself you made every effort to help and they will know this too.

Such action might be against some people's principles but the fact that you have suggested it implies that it is not against your principles.

I hope things go well.

MissAdventure Fri 20-Nov-20 11:26:08

A lot of potentially serious health issues are dealt with within a 2 week period on the nhs.

I'm lead to believe that covid shouldn't have made too much difference to this.

I think it's fine to say you're concerned, but I wouldn't feed into the "worrying".

dragonfly46 Fri 20-Nov-20 11:27:34

The problem is at the moment most of the private hospitals have been taken over by the NHS so consultants aren't doing any private work.

Thistlelass Fri 20-Nov-20 11:30:34

If there is a possibility of cancer here then the NHS should move quickly. I think the NICE guidelines say within 2 weeks. So as we do not know how serious the health concerns are though it makes it more difficult to comment. Personally if I had the means to assist then I would offer to pay. My sister, when her daughter had a breast lump, paid for the private scans etc. I understand that you don't want to cause alarm but don't take risks with your family's lives if you don't have to! If you offer and they turn it down then very unfortunately that is their affair. I do hope things go well xx

Toadinthehole Fri 20-Nov-20 11:40:26

I think it’s lovely of you to offer to pay. It’s what we would do. You need to find the middle ground, so not being dismissive, but not overreacting either. I would tell her you want to help any way you can, and you appreciate their independence. Help her to see that accepting help need not take that independence away, in fact it’s a sensible thing to do. A wise decision now could make all the difference to them later. Accepting your help is no different to accepting the medical help he needs. Offer the money, and take it from there. All the best to you all💐

annsixty Fri 20-Nov-20 12:03:48

The private hospital I have just had my operation in was closed to all but very urgent operations for the NHS for over 6 months.
They opened a very small window to clear some of the lists and I was lucky enough to get a spot.
I don’t think this is happening again now.
I stress my treatment was under the NHS who use private hospitals a lot in my area.
Offer to pay and see what they say, you can only do what you think is right.

NotSpaghetti Sat 21-Nov-20 09:47:04

If your daughter is stressed I would imagine you can easily explain how much you hate to see them both struggling. This makes the offer to help personal to you and they may be more inclined to take you up on it.

They may not agree, but if they do, then they can always ask to go back to the NHS later once they know what's going on.

kwest Sat 21-Nov-20 10:00:35

My feeling is that a family works best when acting as a team. If a family member is ill, then if the other members think what they might be able to do to make life easier for the person indisposed, it may not necessarily be directly financial, but it helps the indisposed and their immediate family feel loved and supported.

lemongrove Sat 21-Nov-20 10:02:19

If it would speed things up for him I should imagine they would be delighted for you you to offer to help in this way, and it’s really kind of you. No matter what is aid in public, Covid has stopped ( or pushed down the line) all sorts of medical things.My NHS dentist couldn’t offer me the advanced dental treatment I needed ( on the NHS) because the wait would be 3 or 4 months because he said, of Covid ( or how long is a piece of string) so found me a private was done within a week.

Hilarybee Sat 21-Nov-20 10:02:23

I would check that if you are starting investigations/tests privately you can then re enter the NHS system at a later date if necessary

Mamma7 Sat 21-Nov-20 10:03:17

Definitely offer - hope it all works out x

Mamma7 Sat 21-Nov-20 10:06:49

Ps please check that once you’ve gone private you can still access NHS treatment.

Kamiso Sat 21-Nov-20 10:07:28

I would tell them the money is there for them if they feel it will help but leave it at that.

Hope you get some answers soon.

Nortsat Sat 21-Nov-20 10:15:02

I would offer.

I appreciate that certain conditions are meant to get a speedy response but my in own circumstances that didn’t happen.

I was offered an NHS initial consultation in 6 weeks.
In that time frame, I had had all my tests done privately, had had a major operation, also privately and was at home recovering, when the NHS initial appointment letter arrived.

(Incidentally the money we used to pay for my treatment, was what we had been saving to buy a new car ...of course we would make the same decision in an instant.)

Wendy Sat 21-Nov-20 10:19:15

We paid for my dgd to have dental treatment, costing thousands. The NHS said she needed the work done urgently or she would lose teeth that were growing the wrong way. The waiting list was months which would have made the outcome very difference. She was 12. Now her teeth are all in the correct place and she has a lovely smile. I would offer to pay, then it is up to them to accept or not.

Doodledog Sat 21-Nov-20 10:19:53


I’m sure some people will say it’s against their principles to go private, but if you can afford it, then I’d certainly offer. And one way to look at it is, that at least it’d mean one other person moving up the waiting list for such tests.

Sorry, but this is not true. A lot of people justify queue jumping by claiming that they are enabling someone else to be seen faster, but it doesn’t work like that - quite the reverse. A private patient adds to the NHS queue and pushes everyone else further back. It would only work in the way you suggest if there were two separate queues, with privately trained consultants seeing private patients in private hospitals.

As it is, they all train on the NHS (paid for by those who pay NI contributions) and often use NHS facilities too. Most of them work in the NHS and their private clinics allow some patients to see them there after paying for an initial consultation.

Someone joining the queue ahead of those already in it is absolutely not creating space.

Jillybird Sat 21-Nov-20 10:36:49

In your shoes, I'd check first exactly how much money you might be in for. Clearly I don't know your financial situation but depending on the problem it could extremely expensive.
Then I can see no harm in offering to pay for private treatment - you could say 'just to put your minds at rest'. They might accept or not, but at least they'll know you care, and frankly with all the stresses on the NHS at the moment, it could be argued that you are being public spirited by going private if you can afford it.

Alexa Sat 21-Nov-20 10:43:57

Thanks to Honeyrose for airing the problem and to all others for suggestions and comments. It is good to be prepared for possibilities.

polnan Sat 21-Nov-20 10:49:47

If I knew that I could afford it I would offer

However if test reveal need for urgency will that mean more private treatment or the awful ,awful pain etc that so many people are going through waiting treatment