Relationship with DILs

My DIL is a truly awful person. I really hate to say it but I thought she was really like me. Ambitious, wanting to better herself. In reality, she was an abuser and eventually was charged with assault after her son from a previous relationship phoned the police and said 'my mum is killing my dad' she got off with it. She has told my son he will never see his children until they are adults. He's a covid long hauler and doesn't have the energy or the health to fight her. I haven't seem my DGD since she was 2 and she's now 8. Sorry I've strayed from the point but sometimes it makes me so mad. \Sorry, folks, it just touched a nerve

I love my DiL and have a brilliant relationship with her. She came to live at our house with our DS before they got their first place together, so got to know her really well. She invited me along, together with her DM, when she went wedding dress shopping and even asked if I would like to go with her when she had a scan with her first baby. Because we were retired and DiL's parents weren't, we were the ones always at hand to help out when needed. As far as my DH is concerned, she loves him and would ask him to do something for her rather than her own father, and he makes her laugh. We are all so lucky.

Our DIL is pleasant. She’s a good wife and mother and gives our DS so much love and support. She’s always made it clear however that we’re different from her own family and that their views, customs etc are what matters to her. We always take second place to her parents and sister and this is unlikely to change. We know she prefers to be with them and feel we’re only tolerated out of politeness. Our son is happy and the GC are so well cared for so we try to concentrate on that.

aonk has hit the nail on the head. We will always be second best. I have 2 d.i.ls ......one of them is very sweet, and kind to me. The other is an only child and is therefore very close to her mother. She has never taken a liking to me, for some reason. I blame my son. He is opinionated and has said some very nasty things to me over the years. He is a loving, faithful husband and a great Daddy and I suppose that's all that matters. There's a family joke that he suffers from 'middle child syndrome'. His father and I are divorced and I think some of his angst comes from there.

My relationship with one DIL is fab she's a great woman, hard working and reliable. The relationship with other DIL is non existent. She is a narcissist and bordering on sociopath and has torn our family apart. Despite having treated both as family as soon as we knew the relationships were serious the one has completely changed once she got the engagement ring on her finger. My DS does not see any of his old friends (only hers), his aunt and uncles (she doesn't "feel comfortable" with his family) or his sibling (because they are "too close" & she doesn't understand their humour). It has been a really difficult time but I've decided that until my DS sees the light things won't change. Her relationship with my stbxh though is slightly warmer as he was not as close to DS as me and he has money which she likes. I have to say that the problems she has caused in our household added to the reason I chose to divorce my oh. He would stand by and let her be rude to me and my other AC and say nothing to not rock the boat ?. As I said though my other DIL is great, not money orientated, works hard, is helpful and will ask for help if needed. My relationship with my MIL was good, she was a lovely woman, could be a bit pushy at times but would step back if asked and I now know was a Saint for putting up with my FIL who gaslighted her for years, like father like son!

Feel for you re your sons estrangement. My DIL is simply hell and controls and manipulates everything and everyone. This has led to my son cutting us out of his life and us losing our gorgeous grand children. It’s the most devastating feeling ever and I can only hope time will make the pain less.

EMOT our situation is the same, we were estranged by our son 8 years ago and lost our only GC.

Time does make the pain less but it's always there.

I don't have a DIL but I was a DIL twice.
My first MIL was great, so hard working and family minded. He had a lot of children and and therefore lots of SILs and DILs. She was a rock to all.
My second MIL was a complete nightmare. So demanding and full of her own importance. She promoted male supremacy and I most certainly did not. She expected me to supply the finance for her son (2nd husband) to act the big I am. I was not prepared to go along with any of her views. She complained about her husband but she put up with it for over 40 years without telling him or stopping him.
I don't have any DILs but I have had 4 SILs. I only have 2 DDs! What an array of awful males. One was violent, more than one were drug takers, they do not earn but my DD earn well and put in long hours. They seem to think I am daft enough not to notice. I got fed up doing a lot of their housework and childcare. I was heartily displeased that one was trying to interfere in my financial arrangements and was constantly dictating what I should be spending money on which was strangely going to benefit him. I noted his family were not putting up any money. I could not have a discussion about my family money with my daughter. I do realise that she should have told him to stay out of it.
I feel sorry that my DD did not get the financial benefit I wanted her to have but no SIL is going to tell me what I should spend money on.
I mind my own business now and do not discuss finances with any of them.