Do you give up with a friend who doesn’t contact you first?

I’m outgoing so I initiate many of my conversations with my quieter friends. I don’t see it as they aren’t ‘putting in the work’, I benefit from their friendships in different ways, we can’t all be outgoing and pushy or it would be obnoxious.

With some people - when it's always me that makes the call - I have pointed out (politely) that: "the phone works both ways....."

Peasblossom

Hi hum, this is me. I operate from the basis that people probably don’t want to talk to/meet up with me and that I’m a bit of a nuisance so I find it really hard to initiate contact by phone or (in other times) to suggest meeting up. I’m always steeled for rejection or at best tolerance.

Text/letters/email no problem because then I’m not intruding.

I know this is my problem but I find it really, really difficult.

Also when you’re widowed there’s always this additional feeling that people are just being kind and you don’t want to make more contact than they want. Even confident people worry about that.

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oh gosh, this is so me! just been reading, and posted on another thread, how we are told to be positive etc.. and it so helps, well it helps me, to hear if someone else is like me and saying as it is... well not all the time

I go to my local church, been told to reach out to others who are not on the internet etc.. I have been doing that, then descended into a bit of a black mood, and didn`t and not one of them have reached out to me..

but being sensible!! I think perhaps most all of us are struggling here in these strange times... and perhaps they are finding it difficult to reach out

just a thought that helps me to keep going.

I have to admit I am one of these people who don't always return phone calls. I question if I'm going to be a nuisance, is this the right time will I annoy them by phoning when I remember I should, and so on and it doesn't get done. I have recently renewed an old hobby of making greetings cards and have made and sent a few recently just to let close friends know that I haven't forgotten them. I am not a very good communicator.

If when you do call, she always seems happy to chat and doesn't sound as though she's not bothered, I wouldn't worry or read anything into it. Some people just think "Oh, so and so always calls me" and they just accept it. Doesn't mean they aren't up for the friendship, it just doesn't occur to them to call the other person because this is the usual arrangement. If she sometimes seems a bit disinterested when you call though, or the conversation feels one sided, then maybe miss calling for a week or two and see what happens.

I have a friend whose hopeless at keeping in touch. But wev go back along way so I do keep trying

I have a mother who does not phone she seems to think its my job to keep in contact with her. She has always been like this sometimes I get cross its alway me and once I thought I would wait, 3 months still no call so I eventually gave up and phoned although I dont call every week I think I must be the bigger person and am sure I must be accumulating a lot of brownie points

I fear rejection so am unlikely to phone someone although will always let them know I am at the end of the phone if they need me for anything, even a vent. However, people don't phone and it is easy to lose touch.
I think there are some people in this world whose faces seem to fit and they makes friends easily. Other people like me, for whatever reason, just don't. I don't know what I will do if I lose my husband who is also my best friend.

As this thread shows no everyone feels confident enough to initiate contact. If you do then go ahead. Surely contacting someone who is lonely in this covid seclusion can be your good deed for the day. Contact is great if it is reciprocated but still emotionally valuable and supportive even if not.

I think you know whether a friendship is one with mutual understanding around contact or not. I have friends with whom we sometimes go ages without contact (we are both busy) but we both know we will never lose the friendship. With others I have realised it was me keeping it going by always making the contact. You have to give the other person the chance to opt out without an actual fall out. If you keep on ringing because you want to stay in touch, fine but accept it may not be mutual. I dont particularly want to push people into being friends with me if they are not bothered. Relationships are always better if both parties are invested.

Peasblossom and Jane
Oh I am the same, I always think people will have something better to do than talk to me,

I did eventually end one friendship with a very heavy heart, we had been friends for years, but it took me about forty five years to realise that I initiated about 95% of every meeting, and as the years went by I was meeting with a lot of excuses..
Very sad about it, because she was like a sister, we’ve been through so much together, but I just felt I was beating my head against a brick wall in the end.

Peasblossom had said it all for me! Keep going, at least for a little while longer - you really have nothing to lose.

If you enjoy this friend's company, please do not give up, just because you always are the one to ring or write first.

I had a dear school-friend who always found it nearly impossible to reply to a letter, unless she did so at once. If she left it for even a couple of days, she managed to persuade herself that the letter-writer didn't really want to be bothered with her.

It took time and patience to persuade her that I did enjoy her company, and did want to hear from her.

After leaving school, the friendship lapsed as we were no longer geographically close.

Fast forward to last March, when she suddenly phoned me needing to talk and we talked as if we never had lost contact with each other, So persevere. Your friend may be shy and have an inferiority complex too

Please keep up the contact.There have been times in my life when I desperately needed contact but felt so unsure of myself that in effect I thought 'I need to wait for someone to make contact with me - that shows that they actually want to talk to me. I would hate to make the first contact if they are busy, or don't really want to be in touch with me' When you are feeling OK this doesn't make much sense - but if you are feeling wobbly it is easy to think this way. You sound like a kind person and I am as sure as I can be that your contact means a lot to her.

Like so many other people she may be suffering from depression. This can make you very insular, so please don't give up on her.
Next time you either speak or text her, why not gently point out that you feel like you have been forgotten ? She may just not realise or maybe it has always been this way and you didn't realise?
Sadly, as well as divorces, I can see a lot of friendships falling apart because for a while our first priority has had to be ourselves.

the friend may well be thinking that they are never contacted first also.
if a friend said to me '^the phone works both ways^ they would not be a friend anymore so should not trouble themselves to ring me!
Either ring a friend or don't!

I shouldn't give up on her just because you usually contact her first - she may simply be less sociable than you. I am more like her and have one friend who contacts me regularly - I always feel guilty that I haven't made more effort to contact her.

Madgran77

I think texting her to say "Fancy a chat?" is the best way. If she is struggling then motivating herself might be very hard. You initiating the contact gives an opening that might help her.

I think that this is a really good idea

I don’t think you are being childish, as one Gransnetter suggested: you are being sensitive. I like to email or chat to people in order to let them know someone cares about them, even if they aren’t 100% my cup of tea. If I get no response at all I feel miffed, and leave it a long time before I contact them again. I have given up on a few people as they have shown total lack of interest, and that’s their prerogative.

In slightly the same situation. My friend of 50+years was very unhappy that I had had the vaccine before her and her husband. We had a strange conversation about her views and I haven't heard from her since apart from a brief text to say that she would be busy when we would have had our usual call. That was over a week ago. I haven't phoned as I don't want another earache but I just hope she is ok. So any friendships seem strained during the difficult time.

Do what pleases you ie if you enjoy a chat with this person or feel you pleased to be helping them then carry on as before. If it’s a chore, drop them.

I think we should all be keeping in touch. Life’s too short to cut people off just because they don’t contact you. Hopefully later this year we can start meeting up again and it would be sad to lose friends that we had prior to lockdown.

Agree with Applegran. I also think a really key factor is that we are all different! It would feel a bit creepy if all friends dressed identically, had identical haircuts, hobbies and tastes in food! We'd be like something out of a dystopian sci-fi movie. Everyone has different circumstances, levels of confidence, family commitments, current mental health status etc. Who initiates contact need not be the key indicator of the quality of the friendship. Especially during lockdown, if we think a friend might benefit from a wee call and it's not doing us harm in any way, we should go ahead. It might mean the world to them. I'm not advocating always continuing with friendships that are totally one-sided or have withered over the years as this can be draining and unhealthy. Maybe after lockdown, we can review some friendships and let them wither if there's no longer any real friendship there. There might be the occasional person we choose to keep in touch with anyway just because they really need support -as long as we don't allow them to be totally dependent on us, for the sake of both parties. Many of us have children who are not great at keeping in touch but we don't doubt their love and have never had a fall out with them.

What is this, the 4th form at St Mary's where cliques rule and everyone's either a close friend or an enemy? She's someone you know. You chat - but even girlie chat needs SOME content, and there isn't much at the moment - and you help each other when requested. It's good to have lots of people like that in your circle. Why sabotage one?

I ring friends regularly, some ring me, some don’t but they’re all people I care about and seem to appreciate the call. Occasionally they say oh I’m about to eat or whatever and they call back, in these times I think all contact is important. We still find something to talk about even though we’re not actually doing much.Enquiring about their family/pets/garden, chatting about the weather/news/sport there’s always something.