Do you give up with a friend who doesn’t contact you first?

I would leave it and see how long it would take , for her to contact you .

Atqui

I have a relatively new friend ( of 4 or 5 years) who lives on her own having been widowed 2 years ago.Before Covid we met for coffee or lunch regularly, and outside before lockdown.She is in a bubble with family so does have regular physical contact , but is still finding life difficult ( naturally). I hope I have been supportive in texting and sometimes ringing once a week to see if she is ok and she has always been happy to chat. However , it is always me that initiates this. Am I being annoying ? Should I just give up?

If everyone gave up on friends who did not contact first then NO ONE would ever talk to anyone.

I have had a friend for 41 years and during this period of time it has always been me who has made contact. She doesn't live near so I have always extended an open invitation for her to stay. I too have stayed at her house. I have helped and supported her through numerous bad and abusive relationships and divorces. Never has it been reciprocated. She didn't even make contact when my mother died. Recently I have not made contact just to see if she would ring up to see why but no - so I've now seen sense nad given up.

If they can't be bothered to stay in touch, then I let them go!
My husband and I had to declare ourselves bankrupt in 2012, after both of us had to take early retirement due to illness! Prior to that, we had a lovely home, a good income and our children wanted for nothing! Overnight - all gone!
We exist on a fraction of our former income these days, and we soon discovered exactly who our true friends were! The smug attitude of some was just too much for me to bear, so I dropped them! ??

If I was always the one to make contact, yes I would sit back and see if they contacted me. If they didn't, I wouldn't either.

I have a friend I have known since we were teenagers fifty years ago. She doesn’t have a mobile so I can’t text her.
When I email she always replies swiftly. I phone her regularly and she seems happy to chat but she never rings me.

Before this year, we would go for days out together. They were always at my suggestion and I drove and made any necessary bookings e g theatre trips, meals. We always have a good time when we are together and we have a lot of shared interests. I have invited her to my house for meals, and she spent Christmas here once but she never invites me back.

I know she has low self esteem and feels, as others here have said, , that she doesn’t want to be a nuisance and I must have better things to do than talk to her. However it can be very wearing having to constantly reassure her that I enjoy her company and our telephone conversations . I would be thrilled if she initiated a call or a day out ( when we are permitted to).

I am just posting this so that those of you who feel as she does can maybe see how frustrating it can be for your friends.

When I had my first baby I didn't know anyone with a new baby (it was before I discovered clubs like the One o'clock Club etc. in place for new mothers) and I was really pleased when a girl I 'd once worked with called me and suggested we get together as she'd had a baby the month before and was feeling a bit isolated too. We saw each other every week and I thought we were really good friends. Then a couple of years later she stopped calling and when I called her she was evasive about meeting up. When I met her by chance one day I had the impression she could hardly be bothered to talk to me. I was really hurt as I had thought of her as a very good friend. But another friend pointed out that we had absolutely nothing in common exept the fact that we'd had a baby at the same time! We didn't socialise in the evenings as our husband's had nothing in common either, unlike my other friends'. I realised then that the friendship would have come to a natural halt soon anyway, she'd just realised it sooner.

I have now decided I will no longer contact someone I had been friends with for 25 years
We used to meet at each other's homes every 2/3 weeks but when her husband became unwell she decided she no longer wished to have visitors.

I have kept in touch but cannot remember the last time she phoned me.

My husband died 3 weeks and when I rang to tell her she said "Well I won't be able to send a card because the ones in the supermarket are not very nice" . True to her word she has not bothered to send a card or phoned me to ask how I was. So I feel that is no longer a friendship I wish to keep

I have a close friend that hasn't bothered contacting me through lockdown. I message her, send jokes, etc but don't get anything back. I decided 3 weeks ago that I would stop and see if she reaches out to me and so far nothing. She knows I'm on my own and can get lonely, but she still doesn't bother. Can't be bothered with a one way friendship at all, so thats that, I'm done.

My ‘best friend’ of 26 years used to be like that. We lived 2 mins away from each other and she never EVER came round/popped in or called me first for a chat/how are you? Not unless she wanted something.

I kept the friendship going for years even though we’d worked together for almost 10 years. I thought we were really good friends, and was always there for her 100% but never felt truly supported by her.

She moved 15 miles away, and sadly after a couple of years her husband passed away. Again, I supported her as much as I could, but rarely she messaged me - again only when she needed help with something.

I sent her a text in 2017, and didn’t hear anything for over a YEAR. I’d decided to see how long it took to reply. She called me once and I genuinely missed the call, but no message was left.

That was in 2018... never heard anything since. To be honest... I don’t miss her. There was always a drama wherever she went, and I decided to opt for a quieter life away from it all.

Sometimes you need to get rid of toxic or dramatic people in your life for your own sanity. My life feels much more relaxed now.

Newatthis

I have had a friend for 41 years and during this period of time it has always been me who has made contact. She doesn't live near so I have always extended an open invitation for her to stay. I too have stayed at her house. I have helped and supported her through numerous bad and abusive relationships and divorces. Never has it been reciprocated. She didn't even make contact when my mother died. Recently I have not made contact just to see if she would ring up to see why but no - so I've now seen sense nad given up.

Happened to me in the same way. I gave up on it pre Covid. I had a message from her recently to say she missed me! I had to laugh. She’d never bothered for 30 years.
People are strange though. I moved house post divorce as my neighbours just didn’t speak to me - even if I smile and said hello - and I was very lonely. The day I was due to move out my next door neighbour called round in tears saying she didn’t know how she’d manage without me being there and was going to miss me so much. I was astonished.
As they say in Yorkshire there’s nowt so queer as folks. ?

This thread is so reassuring to me. I thought it was just me who had rubbish friends ?.

Nonogran

During lockdown, I've been disappointed that I seem to be the one who initiates contact with friends some of whom I've had for years. I'm the one who texts to ask if they're ok etc?
I've decided to give up on them and will wait and see if they initiate contact post lockdown. If they don't, well that says it all doesn't it?
Life goes on.

Yes this is me too. I have spent ages composing messages to people to keep in touch, but it always seems to be me that starts the conversation.

I have given up with a number of people - some of whom have got in touch and others I suspect I will never hear from again.

I'm trying not to be grumpy about it!

Atqui. I'm agreeing with what Frankie51 said.

A close friend, who lives 300 miles away now (I moved) dropped off contact during the first lockdown until we did a massive catch up before Christmas by email. I emailed first. She said a call would be good in the New Year and would be in touch. Not sure if she will but she knows where I am. Your friend knows where you are. Take care Atqui.

grannie62

Some of us were brought up not being allowed to make chatty phone calls (remember when it cost quite a lot?) and as a result don't make calls unless they seriously need to.

Do you not think it can cost quite alot for other people to phone you? If we all operated on the 'seriously need to phone call' communication would be lacking and friendships & relationships could go by the wayside.
Effort needs to come from both sides...we could all come up with excuses not to talk regularly.
The person who has always made the effort to pick the phone up will at some point feel the effort is one sided and move on.

I Keep in close contact with a smaller and smaller circle of old friends. Three are very special from way back and if either phones or emails the other it usually initiates a facetime chat.
Work colleges have dropped off over the years. Others have become more friendly since we retired.
I also moved around the country quite a bit and still get lots of Christmas cards from when my children were little and we all went to playgroups and were stay at home mums.
Friends I have made since I got older I am more reticent of calling, maybe it's an age thing.
Come back for a coffee was easy on the way from school, you knew if they could manage that day but these days I seem to wonder just like a lot of others am I being needy, do they really want to talk. The haves and have not got a husband also makes a big difference.

This is definitely touching a nerve or two as I realise I am very much as Peasblossom and several others. As I have been the one who moved furthest from extended family & friends, over the years it has always been me doing the travelling to see them, phone calls intermittently and to keep in touch but now I am finding it increasingly difficult to do so due to Covid restrictions, always being indoors, not going anywhere I feel I have less & less to say and question whether they even want to hear from me.

Not everyone enjoys telephone calls. I like seeing people in the flesh and apart from family, think of the telephone as an instrument for arranging appointments or ordering/booking things. I enjoy FaceTime with my daughter and sister and pre covid, had a lengthy chat with my sister in the South once a week. Normally, I’m extremely sociable, meeting family and friends. Maybe your friend likes to see you in person and if so, could you arrange a distanced walk?
I have been disappointed that my overtures for distanced walks with friends have had a lukewarm response! Must try harder!

My friend of many years simply disappeared from my life, we are godmothers to each other’s children, know all of each other’s secrets.
She moved house and had a new phone number, so I waited for her to contact me, ten years, still waiting!
I obviously could have tracked her down through her children, I’ve done it before, but decided against it.
Makes me sad, but realising that I’ve been propping it up for over forty years feels a bit uncomfortable!

I live alone after being widowed 2 yrs ago. I find it very difficult to initiate a text or telephone conversation because I always feel other folk are busy with their own lives and I would hate to be a pest. Sometimes I feel lonely but lack confidence to make contact. Today, when I saw my son, (he is in my bubble), I asked him for a hug as I just really miss human contact. I was more confident about contacting friends before I was widowed but it has really affected my confidence. Don't give up on your friend, although you could suggest that she gets in touch with you, giving a specific time and date.

If I didn't phone my brother we wouldn't have spoken since our parents died.
What does annoy me is when you bump into someone you haven't seen for a while (pre lockdown) and they say accusingly that you should have contacted them. Completely ignoring the fact that they haven't contacted you either!

This is an interesting thread to me. I find it very difficult to initiate a phone conversation. I suppose I am afraid of being a nuisance, intruding, ringing at the wrong time etc. I make myself do it from time to time all the same. It is much easier if I know the approximate pattern of someone’s life - when they eat, for example. (I know that I eat earlier than most people.) It’s much easier to ring single people than married ones, at least I find it so.

I’m talking about long, chatty phone calls, not practical ones.

Thank you Grans for your views.I don’t want to “ get out of the friendship” Frankie 51. I thought we were good friends and that our communication was mutually pleasant . But unless you are a very confident person ,don’t you wonder if you’ve got the wrong idea, when said friend never makes the first move? I value your comments GN ers
and shall wait a while to see how things go

Friendship is a two way street.l moved away 3 years ago and soon found out who my true friends were, the ones who kept in touch.

I tend to only use WhatsApp - for messages. I've never been keen on call chats unless for something specific that cant wait.
Ive one friend who seems to need a call so I try not to be unfriendly. I meet up one pal for walks 2times a week, occ 3. She works part time. Other pals msg mostly, play odd hand of online bridge or meet for walk. I walk every day at least once so not hard.
I'd be peopled out if expected to chat on phone every week