Inverted snobbery or just jealousy?

We’ve got a swimming pool and a beach house but we worked damned hard all our lives and at one stage had several jobs between us. No one gave us anything, ever and we share our beach house with our extended family who spend more time down there than we do. We aren’t rich by today’s standards - not in Australia anyway - in fact our come is below average now we have retired.

nanna8

We’ve got a swimming pool and a beach house but we worked damned hard all our lives and at one stage had several jobs between us. No one gave us anything, ever and we share our beach house with our extended family who spend more time down there than we do. We aren’t rich by today’s standards - not in Australia anyway - in fact our come is below average now we have retired.

Great. Lucky you. Because in times when we don't have full employment this is always going to be more by luck than judgement. Many people work just as hard and don't do as well; some do better but why, oh why, do we have to hear about it!

Seriously, I doubt anyone on GN is interested in other peoples actual wealth or lack of it. They may be, in a rather distanced way, pleased that you take pleasure in it or they may dislike having their noses rubbed in the fact that their life didn't go that way. It always used to be considered bad manners to talk about your wealth and aquisitions and I have a feeling it still puts those who do in a catagory of those who want to show themselves as posher than posh (as they used to say about the new middle classes).

Refering back to the OP, it really isn't interesting in general conversation and it can be gross and just plain rude.

How many have come asunder after winning millions on the lottery ? No thanks, if that's the effect money has on people.

I dont understand the jealousy and envy either. I have to say there are a few resentful posters on here.
People who have too much time on their hands, or are unhappy with their own lives are the worst offenders.

nanna8 is right that having a lot in one country doesn't mean you are actually rolling in money or even boasting. But some (jealous) people do jump to conclusions.
If you listen to everyone on those New Life in the sun programmes they all say, "We could never have afforded this property and lifestyle in the UK." Three gîtes, a swimming pool and tennis courts in France for example can be equal to a terraced house in London. I have "done" both and was equally happy.
I too am pleased for anyone who has enjoyed their lives to the full and seized opportunities. You very much make your own luck in terms of property and possessions unless of course you come from landed gentry. It's nice to be pleased for people who have got what they wanted from their lives. Their stories are interesting.
I don't think the OP's friend should let it worry her.

I may be wrong but I am getting the impression that some people want others to be jealous. Re the "beautiful villa in Spain". It does depend on when it comes up in conversation surely? If you join a conversation on holidays, say, and it comes up as you holiday there - no problem. However, surely we all grew up believing (except some in the 80s when we had Harry Enfield's 'Loadsamoney') that over-display and flaunting of your assets was not a great way to behave. So, dropping it into a conversation about something else completely and describing it down to the last detail may not go down as well.

I am neither pleased nor not pleased for people I don't know although I am happy they are happy with their lives. I still don't want to hear about it endlessly though. Where friends or family are concerned it's different; I would be interested although even then enough is often enough at some point. I don't think that is jealousy as much as boredom.

I go back to what I said before. Surely you suit your conversation, including how much you run on about your villa, yatch, etc., to the people you have made your audience?

yatch yacht

Exactly PippaZ. I wouldn't always blame the others looking in. Take on no airs and graces and be the same person you have always been. The things you own are just stuff.

If others change towards you, maybe you have changed towards them.

You can’t take any of it with you, can you ? Best thing is to enjoy things when you can and share with your family and friends to make their lives happy,too.

Exactly, it's just "stuff", and that was what I said. I could live in the garden shed and be the same person.
Maybe the OP's friend is blowing her own trumpet a bit or patting herself on the back, but that doesn't make her a snob either. Maybe just a sense of achievement for her?

We have something of an opposite problem. We are friendly with two couples who have far more money than we ever will. They don't have children. I've noticed they often play down things they have bought or improvements to their houses etc. I understand they don't want us to feel uncomfortable but we really don't mind. We are happy with our smaller house, older car etc. I limit conversation about children bragging discussing grandchildren etc. We all get along well despite this though.

Me too gt66 why do some posters feel the need to be so condescending and patronising towards a poster who posed a perfectly acceptable question asking for people’s experiences. It’s just so pathetic.

I can totally relate to this. We have lived overseas for many years, and my husband and I have worked very hard for what we have. His siblings all had the same upbringing, they are all intelligent people, and they all had the same opportunities in life, but they chose different paths. Sadly, over the years, his family have made comments about our life which I can only say stems from jealousy/envy. Yet my own family/friends have been completely the opposite. We are certainly never boastful about our life ... in fact, quite the opposite, as we only talk about things if people ask us about something, and want to know. It has been quite hurtful in the past, especially when our children were growing up, and his family were never interested to ask how they were getting on (grandparents included), or indeed ask anything about what we were up to. If they had really taken the time to bother, they would know that our life hasn't always been rosy, and has sometimes be difficult. They seem to assume that we have always lead a charmed life, when quite the opposite is true. However, they would happily talk non stop about things to do with their own lives, and their children, and we would be interested in whatever they had to say, but their lack of interest in anything to do with us speaks volumes.

It's a wonder people post to be met with some bitter responses. It is obviously upsetting for your friend who has generously offered her family an open invitation. They sound lovely people and I do hope she doesn't let the jelousy of others spoil it for her. I have a close family member who cut her family and friends off and remade her life with the new rich friends. Very hurtful but we are not part of her life, don't even know her address. So good luck to your friends.

^ You very much make your own luck in terms of property and possessions unless of course^

Not always true though is it? Yes, people may have achieved what they want and have through hard work, but many, many others also work hard and don't get anywhere near what they deserve such as a safe, clean home and enough money to live day to day. This train of thought is like the 'deserving and undeserving poor'. Things can happen to people, hard working decent people, bankruptcy, family illness, all sorts of things. I have friends who have much more in terms of home and income than we do, and some who have less. None of them have worked any differently from the others.

I don't like the phrase "worked hard". If anyone didn't work hard, I don't think they would be in a job for long. If self-employed, unless you worked hard, you could be in danger of becoming bankrupt.
I think a lot of it is luck, being in the right place at the right time.

That’s sad for your friend but it’s their families loss.
Personally my life has been a roller coaster financially and I have had wonderful things and possessions and also nothing.
I’m happy having friends that share their nice homes with me and homes in other countries. But l am also a lot more free than they are because now I have a tiny little apartment not encumbered with houses gardens and property abroad.
But l enjoy staying in the country cottages and seaside homes of friends, real friends.

I've never understood why people are jealous of other people. I'm not saying that I wouldn't like more money....why else would I do the lottery...but it's not the be all and end all of life. Some people are luckier than others. Some make different decisions about pensions etc. If you envy others then you simply spoil your own life.

My sister is someone who likes to own things. She has a lovely house and lots of possessions. Is she any happier than me? I don't know. She's always striving for more. She works hard in order to buy things she wants. A couple of years ago she and her husband semi retired and decided to travel around Australia (where they live). The plan was to work occasionally picking fruit etc. whilst touring. It sounded wonderful to me. What an amazing way to spend your retirement. Two years on and they were bored so both went back to work. He's a light aircraft pilot and a wagon driver. She's a government and business consultant. They actually work harder now than they did before they retired and have gone back to accumulating things. DH and I worked equally as hard as they did but our personalities are different. We love experiencing and seeing things. Possessions don't have the same appeal to us as long as we have what we need.

It's courses for horses. Jealously simply makes everyone unhappy.

Jealously simply makes everyone unhappy, oh I agree. I remember as a child, my parents were friends with a very nice, kind couple. But, this couple were always terribly envious of anyone who had 'done better' than them, it ate them up with jealousy. They used to drive around really expensive areas, gawping at and resenting houses which were beyond their wildest dreams, so much so that they failed to recognise that their own modest, but beautiful home would be 'beyond the wildest dreams' of many. Sad really.

GagaJo (and others) - yes, it's the idea that someone has "worked for it" that is perhaps a bit galling.
Many, many people work exceptionally hard and never manage to do much more than hold "body and soul" together.

What the materially successful hard-working people have, in addition to their labours, is often luck, or a lucky opportunity that they were brave enough to take, or maybe they came along (or knew someone) who gave them a leg-up.

I think mostly people dislike the implication that either they didn't work hard enough or that the "successful" person is better than them in some way.

I do know three exceedingly successful people who have worked very hard and achieved great wealth. One is a person I love, is great company and can be really generous - but he was a very slippery character in his youth and I'm glad I wasn't involved in business with him.
Another put money ahead of everything - including family - to the extent that he lost them all.
The third worked for a big international company and worked "up the ranks". He benefited from huge bonuses and now has a pension most of us can only dream of.

Did any of them work harder than my parents? No.
Did any of them deserve more than my friend who raised her family on a pittance and has only a state pension?
Definitely not.

Life isn't fair - and sometimes it is obviously so.

"Working hard" for it is not the route to a comfortable old age. Most people know this. I wish it were. Some people sense this more deeply than others.

... I meant to add
and it colours the relationship.

GillT57

^ You very much make your own luck in terms of property and possessions unless of course^

Not always true though is it? Yes, people may have achieved what they want and have through hard work, but many, many others also work hard and don't get anywhere near what they deserve such as a safe, clean home and enough money to live day to day. This train of thought is like the 'deserving and undeserving poor'. Things can happen to people, hard working decent people, bankruptcy, family illness, all sorts of things. I have friends who have much more in terms of home and income than we do, and some who have less. None of them have worked any differently from the others.

It's like talking to a brick wall Gill57. The Victorian view of deserving and undeserving lives on, sadly.

I don't understand jealousy of possessions. Possessions don't equate to happiness. I know people who have a villa abroad, big house and swanky cars who are miserable so these things don't always bring contentment.
Those who are contented in their lives however little they have will never feel that destructive emotion - jealousy.

AGAA4 so very true ?

What the materially successful hard-working people have, in addition to their labours, is often*luck, or a lucky opportunity that they were brave enough to take*, or maybe they came along (or knew someone) who gave them a leg-up.
NotSpaghetti thank you, that's a brilliant answer and you have saved me having to type to the comment in a reply.