Should I move to be by my daughter

Another thought is that the cost of moving just 16 miles away will be a huge consideration for you, legal fees and stamp duty run into thousands, if not tens of thousands depending on your budget.

All for 16 miles?

I kind of agree with mumofmadboys. I think your DD is possibly thinking about when you get older, and you may need more help. 16 miles really isn't very far to have visits, and whilst you're still fit and healthy, I'd be inclined to stay put, for now at least. If your daughter works, she probably only has time at weekends for visiting, but then she probably also has other things she wants/needs to do at weekends, so I understand why you may not see her very often, as we all have our own busy lives to lead.

Obviously, as you get older, if you do require regular help from your daughter, then 16 miles would be rather a long way, and it would become a massive burden on your daughter to do this on a regular basis, especially if she works, or simply has her own family to take care of.

I'd hold off for now, as you seem happy with your current home, and social circle. But I wouldn't rule it out for the future.

Nansnet makes some good points. Never say never but keep it on the back burner.

Don’t do it! 16 miles is nothing. How I wish my family had been so close.
I moved 500 miles to be nearer my daughters. Latterly due to work & family commitments they only managed an annual visit and it was down to me to visit them. I had enough of the M6, M5 and M4 or trailing to airports and stations so I decided to move while I was fit and healthy. I can’t say it’s been easy and although I’m in a lovely village in the Cotswolds near DD1, I’m considering a final move to Devon near DD3. Making a new life is not easy as a lone 70 something. I have a group of new pals nearby, but not one in the village which is a great sadness to me. I’m prepared to start again for the ‘final’ lap knowing I’ll see more of the Devon family who keep open house and are more laid back than the family here. I desperately miss my old life and friends but circumstances change, husbands die, friends do too or move away. You just have to do what feels right at the time but I definitely wouldn’t move 16 miles!!

When I was younger, I saw my Mum more when I lived further away than when I moved in 3 doors away from her. It is different now because she needs me for her care needs. I think we have to accept our adult children have busy lives and no matter where we live in relation to them, they will have trouble fitting us in.

Hi There,

Regardless of the distance, there is no guarantee that your daughter will remain where she is.

Don't do it I moved next village (9 minutes walk) from Ddand DGDs don't see them even every week ! Other GM still sees them every Thursday and Sunday ..Luckily we love the new house and village etc anyway glad we moved .But the initial popping over soon stopped

In your place I would be honest with my daughter and tell her that by moving nearer to her you will be giving up friends, your accustomed surroundings and perhaps hobbies as well.

Yes, you might well be gaining the possiblility of seeing more of her, but will this compensate entirely for what you are giving up?

I would hesitate very much to base my future on one person.

She apparently visulizes staying where she is, but is this a certainty?

She feels "she would see more of you as you grow older"
To me that does not sound as if she is volunteering to care for you should you need care later on, nor is she offering you a home with her. Why exactly does she want you nearer?

As you say the distance is not so great that she could not visit more often if she wanted to, so what is going through her mind?

Is she trying to salve her conscience by asking you to move nearer to her?

I think I would stay put for now - you can presumably move later on if you want to.

I agree that 16 miles is no distance at all and you could see more of each other if either of you wanted to!

My mum lived the same distance from me (she died nearly 2 years ago) and I used to see her about once a month because of other family commitments although after she died, I wished that I had more of an effort to see her more often.

My eldest daughter lives over 100 miles (2.5 hours away) and in "normal" times, we get to see her once a month/six weeks and we intend to move closer to her once we retire in about 7 years time. That is our choice though, there is nothing to keep us where we are once we stop work and the mortgage is paid off - I have 2 younger children who will have finished university by then so it's a good time to move.

Even then, we will not be moving that close to them but hope to be able to find a suitable house within 30-35 minutes drive ie around 15-20 miles, that's close enough to be available to help if necessary and visit in an evening but far enough away to have our own life.

16 miles is nothing, I live about 16 miles from one daughter and see her several times a week. Living closer won’t necessarily mean you’ll see her more. If you’ve a good social life where you live, why are you even considering moving. Think the question is if you were ill would you rather rely on your daughter or strangers to care for you. I know I wouldn’t want to be a burden on family, plus local friends you would still be able to see.
Yes it’s lonely living alone, but even if you moved you maybe wouldn’t see as much as your daughter as you hoped for, plus all your friends will be 16 miles away. No doubt your daughter is busy with her life too.
Good luck with whatever you do decide.

stay put, 16 miles is no distance,some of us have 100's even 1000's miles away from their family.I have been through this, i did everything in my power to provide a safe loving upbringing for my 2 sons, one, moved 200 miles away, to be near his wifes family, and to buy a more affordable house, the other who lives 5 miles away, barely contacts me.Put yourself first,a family of choice can often give more love and support.I would also maybe give yourself a year or so,then see how you feel.

Great idea lolo81
Could you stay with your daughter for a week , it could give you time to check out village life - clubs , community centre etc that you could join & make friends . You could go online first & google activities in that area

It’s a really difficult one and at the end of the day whatever anyone else says only you can decide. I can see both sides of the coin. My parents lived 20 miles away and when my dad was on his own and became ill that 20 miles was a problem. My daughter lives 60 miles away and that’s motorway driving which is problematic. We would like to be nearer to her and she wants us there but we have not been able to find anywhere suitable yet. I think the older we get the more difficult the decision. I really wish you luck - your heart will tell you where you are going to be happiest.

Stay put.
On retirement, we moved to a part of the country we both loved. Our children then lived about an hour away instead of three. After a few years of seeing each other very regularly, helping with new babies etc holidaying together. Their partner got a new job at the other end of the country.
We are now in an area we love but very rarely see them in fact less than before we moved.
It has meant making new friends and contacts we are lucky in that the original move was made for us not to be nearer the children that was an added perk.
I would think twice if asked to move near them. Sometimes they have no say in where they move it is a partners job and not always the husbands.

I would love to be just half hour from my daughters and families, they live in U.S and OZ and I may not like
many others, get to see them this year, because of travel restrictions
and my daughter in OZ would love to have her mum live close by to help with my granddaughters.
So half hour is nothing in comparison

We might consider moving if more child care is required. However we wouldn't sell our place and we would rent near them. We like where we live . We about 45 mins drive each way.
Son has requested that we consider moving but...as many have said what happens if they move. That is why if we did do , unlikely, it would be renting

I moved my mum closer to me after my dad died. She was only a short walk away. It was one of the best things I ever did. She spent the last 15 years of her life happily, and surrounded by family because when my sons visited me they naturally popped over to see her as well, as did her great grandchildren. When she needed care I could just pop in and do what needed doing. She was in sheltered housing and had a busy social life there which also helped.
I've just moved closer to one of my sons and I'm seeing more of my GCs now.
So I'd say this. Start looking around where your daughter lives. Look at property you could live in for the next 20 years or so. Don't have preconcieved ideas but look at anything the right size. You may well find you fall in love with somewhere and then it won't just be moving to be near your daughter but moving because you want to start a new life. Good luck!

We (me, husband and youngest adult child) have just moved next door to our middle son, his wife and their children. We all love it and it’s great for child care as they both work long hours. We have a great relationship and can easily say if anyone needs some alone time. Works well for us.

The words *what if *comes to mind,
No indication that DD will not, at some stage, up sticks and move? who knows where?, will she expect you to follow.?
Stay where you are is my opinion. What is sixteen miles ? if you have friends and what seems a satisfactory lifestyle where you now live .Why give that up ?
Is there more to it ? than what appears to be DD's concern over your welfare ?????

I used to travel twice a week to see my mother and she was at least an hour’s journey away via the M25. I would have loved her to move closer but she was adamant about staying put. Tbh it was exhausting. 16 miles and a 20 minute journey would have been fantastic. I think you should stay put if you are still in good health.

Well I’m moving closer to my youngest son and his family. But both my sons are 200 miles away from me in two different directions lol. Since covid hit us. Made me think how far away from them if something happened to us. So I discussed it with them both and my oldest said I should move nearby his brother so would make it easier for him to visit. As his job takes him everywhere but his bros doesn’t. If I was only 16miles away I wouldn’t move if I enjoyed my home. That’s just a bus ride. You don’t want to be on each other’s doorstep. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and grandkids but I’ve my life and they’re both got their own lives.

I very nearly moved to live near my sister but luckily for me the purchase fell through because ,although we were still house hunting in her area, she them moved to the other side of the country. If you are not lonely and have plenty to do where you are why move. I have family on the continent and see more of them than I do the lot that live in London. Distance is not a big issue if the will is there.

My mum is only 12 miles from me and visiting was easy until illness strikes. Now the effort to get to her is difficult so helping with her increasing age has become a worry. Fortunately she had moved very close to my brother and he has taken on the daily visits. Until then I had been her constant companion. Thank goodness she moved near him. I would advice to move now and settle in to your new area whilst you are fit enough. Going back to your old area to visit your friends would be a nice day out.

I moved, a few yrs ago, and was about 10/15 mins from my Daughter & family,(her hubby drives& had a car.) Had moved 72 miles.Not reason i moved really. But, i still saw them not much unless we met up in town, and they rarely drove over to see me.Fast forward a few years and i'd moved to a little village area about 35mins on a bus from them, still they only visited occasionally, mainly a birthday, mothers day etc. Then daughter moved too, after awhile, to a smaller local town to me, (not to be nearer me though, just bigger house, better area) and its literally 10-12 minutes drive away (my elder son of the 2 at home,now grown up & drives) he has timed it! But still, (even before covid) we only see them if we either go there to them,or special occasion..I said i might move back again to about 80 miles away, first thing she said was "its so far away"! It beggers belief! So my advice is- stay put if you want to, and if she kicks up a fuss, just say you're too set in your ways now for the upheaval, and that she can always visit more anyway if she wants to.(easy if they have a car) or she could always be the one who moves to be near you!??

Agree with others 16 miles is nothing distance wise. Stay put, if your daughter is saying she doesn't visit because it's too far shes making excuses.