Should I move to be by my daughter

Timsmum- how is travelling 12 miles difficult? Unless of course you dont have transport? Or your mum lives out in a hard to reach area?

I would stay put,sixteen miles is not far. I had this recently with my son. I sold my house gave him some money, moved closer and he promptly moved, and bought a bigger house. Hes still not far from me,but I see less of him now than I did before.

Your daughter probably means it would be easier to just bob in for a cup of tea and a chat more often especially if she works full time. She may also be thinking she will be on hand for you as you get older.
16 miles is a lot if you are juggling work and children.
It is a difficult decision if you have lots of friends where you are, and a good social life. Give it lots of thought moving home is a big thing requiring lots of arranging and energy, but if you are considering the move don't leave it until it too late to manage it.

I wouldn’t move if you are happy and settled where you are .
The upheaval of selling up and moving isn’t worth it for 16 miles .
I imagine you have your home how you like it ,moving would mean getting everything right again .
I personally wouldn’t want to go to through that .
Why can’t she move closer to you ?
Or is her work an issue?
I would think long and hard before you commit to moving.
Have you considered she might move somewhere else in years to come ,would you be expected to move again if that happens ?

I would stay put!
Yes it may be a lovely village, yes your daughter says you will see more of each other BUT - however nice villages appear on visiting, unless you are happy to put in a lot of effort to make friends, the villagers on the whole won't come to you - unless perhaps if you are a church goer!
I say this as a village resident for most of my life - went away for 7 years, returned , and the ones I had grown up with had moved away and the new people only tend to stay for 5 years on average - so many of them said "we must keep in touch/ I'll send you my address when we are settled/ you must come and visit" and that was the last I heard or saw any of them!
As far as your daughter is concerned, but sorry, if she can't manage to take an hour out of her life to visit you now, I doubt if she will even if you are on her doorstep!
Don't worry if she is cross with you (since when did our children become the ones in charge?) , you must live where you are happy. If there is a time limit on when she can spend time with you, is there a way you can meet up in the middle for a coffee now we are allowed to ?

My friend is a younger widow. Her daughter lives miles away with her husband and two young children. She has decided to move because she is young enough to start her social life again and the village has a nice welcoming church community. And because her daughter is a teacher she can look after her two grand children as and when needed. This is the right decision for her.

I am too old to look after great grand children so would not consider moving. I shall live in my home until I am either dead or a widow. At the latter point I will then move for a final time into suitable housing depending on my health.

We all have to make decisions based on our age, the ages of our offspring and their children and our friends and activities. Having a thriving social life is what keeps us young and energetic.

I knew a friend of my mothers who moved to be with her son in a granny flat attached to their isolated farm house. She saw the couple once a week if she was lucky, she had no friends down at that location and finally returned to our village to live in a minuscule one bedroom stuido-flat for the elderly. There was a common room, everyone could see you as you returned from the shops. they commented on what you might have bought etc. As you went through the door it had a wall poster advertising a number to ring if you were being abused and the flat itself only had one spare chair for a visitor. It was dreadful. So sad to finish like that.

Stay put. It’s really not far away. As others have said she may move and then what would you do? If it’s something you wanted to do for yourself then it would be ok but not just to be near your daughter. My aunt moved from her family home after her husband died. She moved into a daughter’s street. Daughter no longer lives there. My aunt loves her house and the area but I know she felt it when her daughter moved.

If you both (or even just one of you) have a car, that distance is nothing. If people want to see each other, they manage it. Don't move.

Stay put. I done this, from London to Kent. My daughter is now moving back to London as she has met a new man and is getting married. Also her children are growing up and they move on, so no I would say stay put and enjoy the visits.

My son lives 10,000 miles away from me - 16 miles is a cock stride in the scheme of things.

I am interested in this thread because I am in the same situation. I have recently had poor health and even when I needed surgery 2 weeks ago and called from the hospital no one came. (Daughter) I am home recovering alone and this experience has taught me something. I know before I got sick I would drive to their community everyday to care for my granddaughter but it does not work both ways. Sometimes you have to look at it from a different angle. Does your daughter go other places that are more than 16 miles? Mine does and I see the pictures but they do not come. They said if I moved there they would see me more often. I now doubt that due to my circumstances right now and having no visits or help. Your situation could be much different than mine but....do you know if she drives that distance to do other things? If so that tells you a lot.

There’s a reason she’s not visiting. We don’t know why. 16 miles is no distance. Stay where you are.

DON'T

I think I am in a minority here, but I would go.

It is impossible to comment because your circumstances are likely to be very individual! 16 miles may be impossible if it involved fast roads and (like me) cataracts developing. When I was very ill we nearly moved to my daughter’s village, less than 16 difficult miles away. An hour and a half round trip too far for a working mum and too far for us to ask her to pop in. We were tempted by prospect of helping after school (illness would not have prevented that) and by a village with no hills and an excellent GP etc. The house buy fell through, Covid came, and now I am a lot better we are now not looking to move there, but move somewhere disability friendly in our locality (but a hilly area so a hard one). What changed was the balance of needs - we would be tripping over their lives now we are out and about again, whereas before worrying about us was wearing her down. However, should either of us sharply deteriorate we may review! So, Solomon’s judgment required and I don’t think any of us can advise you!

My advice would be no! I moved a couple of hundred miles to support my family but left so many friends and memories. I have a great relationship now with my two granddaughters so in a way worth it, but no, I wouldn’t do it again! Xx good luck!

Like Lesley60 We have just moved to be nearer our daughter. It's the best thing we ever did. We downsized, live in the country , great neighbours ( looking forward to lockdown being loosened) and see grandson frequently. And we were 40mins away before.
Depends if you love where you live , I didn't.

I don’t think 16 miles is to far away tbh. I lived 400 miles away and moved to be nearer my daughter and grandchildren, who have now grown up and all moved away. I would say that if you are happy where you are then you should stay there. Sometimes a network of friends is better than family. Good luck with your decision.

Hmm, I’ve re-thought this one. I still think that 16 miles is no distance for your daughter to travel if she wants to see more of you, but perhaps she is thinking ahead to when you may need her assistance. My own parents-in-law made a similar move to be near us when they approached their eighties. They now live a 5 minute walk away and we visit them very often.

I’m assuming your daughter has no need of you for childcare?

You don't mention any other children, so is your daughter your only child (are there are others you could rely on as you get older). What's your relationships like now (like a few others on here, I was concerned by the "I know she won’t be pleased if I decide to stay" - do you feel pushed into this? Is this her idea and not yours?) I would pay attention to the Niggle you mention (that's your gut instinct/second brain trying to tell you something). Sorry but 16 miles is nothing if someone is prepared to prioritise you (is she?) I used to work for a charity for elderly people and often visited people who were lonely - there were a few who had moved to be nearer/see more of family but they didn't see them anymore than they had done when they lived much further away. One lady in particular became very depressed at losing her friends, particularly in the church she'd gone to for 30 years, to sit alone in her retirement apartment. (She was lucky to be allowed to visit for Sunday lunch once a month). If it was me, I would listen to the niggle; and I would see what I would need to put in place where I lived now in order to be cared for as I got older.

People say that 16 miles is nothing but, as a pp said, it does depend on circumstances. If your daughter is a working mum then 16 miles is a consideration, but if she could walk round and see you on spec for a cuppa, or even just a five minute chat, then it would be so much easier. I would definitely try it and see. Nothing is forever. If she moves then you could too!
I moved 4 (four!) miles to the village my son and daughter live in. I see my daughter everyday. My son rings me every week and occasionally pops round - he lives four doors away ? ( but he was there immediately when I called for help with what turned out to be a brain haemorrhage and saved my life ?)
Take a chance - it could be your next great adventure ?

I think the answer to your dilemma lies in transport issues, Sparkling.
Does your daughter drive? 16 miles would be difficult on a bus! Who would you like to live nearer? Your daughter or the friends in your neighbourhood? If you drive and move nearer your daughter, you could still meet up with your current circle of friends but you would be able to see your daughter more often.

I think I would stay put. Over the last two years I have had many changes to my life , widowed, a very dear friend killed in an RTA and my mother dying . Both my AC lived within 20 minutes away and they are an amazing support during this difficult time .Now my DD and family have moved to Norfolk . My DS and family are still here nearby and though they are very busy are helpful and wonderful . My DD and family are in a small village with no public transport or amenities. School 2.5 miles away ( really not my scene) . They want me to move to them and have offered to have an annexe built . But to me it would be my idea of hell ! I don’t drive and I would be dependent on them. I miss them and it is lonely but I will visit and they will visit me . I have good friends and I am healthy .When I become frail I may reconsider but doubt it TBH . Think long and hard before moving .

Don't move if you're happy where you are. I live about 35 minutes from my daughter and grandchildren. We call in on one another fairly regularly or meet half way (pre covid) if we want to enjoy a Sunday lunch out as a family. If I'm not busy, I often go over to pick the children up from school, usually as a surprise which they love. Sixteen miles is no distance at all.

I totally agree with Lesley60. We moved when I retired but had spent several years before that thinking about it and becoming acquainted with the area. We have never looked back. I remember my mom telling me that if you're going to do it, then do so when you've still got the energy to go out and make new friends. As Lesley60 said nothing compares with having family close - if you get on with them.