Is it wrong to not let MIl have LO every week?

I agree Summerlove but if you look at lemsip's post "Do NOT ...." it's comes across as an unbreakable rule rather than a personal point of view.

I also think your m-in-law sounds deranged in that she displays obsessive behaviour towards your child, your child, not hers! There is of course a spectrum in the attention any grandparent give their grand child/ren from the completely disinterested to those who are hell bent in maniacally wanting to usurp the parent's role, she is it seems at that upper end.

I'm inclined to agree with others though, only you can loosen the limpet like grasp she displays around your daughter, if she is as bad as you say she is, consider putting some distance between you and move. Having her down the road gives her endless opportunities to persist.

There’s been so many threads like this Abbie. She’s your little girl. What you say goes. The shortest word in the English language, NO.

Abbie
You were given a lot of good advice in April in how to handle your mother in law.
It seems you ignored all that good advice because your back with the same problematic mother in law.

AbbieS9812
Your post in April received 4 pages of replies. Not one reply from you, let alone a thank you.

AbbieS9812 I wonder why the threads you started in March/April did not meet your expectations.
There cannot be much to add after all those pages.

Abbie you have posted about this problem previously, I am sorry that it is still continuing and worrying you.

I think your MIL is making huge unreasonable statements and demands ..but she sounds increasingly desperate...not your fault, she is not listening! However you are clearly keen to sustain a relationship with her and for your child to have a relationship with her.

There are some questions that you might find helpful to think about:

1. Do you feel uncomfortable to leave your child with MIL a)because of her demanding behaviour and pronouncements OR b) because you don't trust her with your child and to keep your child safe?

2. Have you and husband sat down and agreed what WOULD be helpful for MIL to do, if you are both comfortable with it? At the moment it sounds like she asks/lectures (not necessarily reasonably but increasingly desperately!) and you battle against her demands/lectures (understandably).

3. Is it possible for you and your husband, as a partnership, to sit down and tell her clearly and honestly that you do not want a set arrangement for childcare; , do not want to leave your child a lot but would appreciate help with ....; ?

4. If she argues, makes statements about bonding etc can you practice and then do actually say to her " Oh! WE think differently!" ...she says more you repeat "Oh. WE think differently!" She says you are repeating yourself you say "Yes, because you seem not to have heard that WE think differently!"
None of tge above has to be unpleasant, just calm and clearly stated.

5. When you visit, she visits, do you go into the kitchen, make tea perhaps, so she has bits of time playing with your child whilst you are near but not watching every move? Are you comfortable to do that? Is your child comfortable if you do that? If not why not? If yes, why don't you do it?

6. Does your husband understand that his mother's behaviour is unreasonable? Is he able to tell you whether she has always got her own way by wearing people down, including him? Does he understand how this might impact on his responses to her and to you? Does he realise that now your child's interests and yours take precedence and that you should work as a team?

I think that until you are clear about your thinking, and your husbands, around the above questions, no solution to this ongoing problem can be found. She will carry on as before and you will push her away as before the more she carries on, out of desperation. Step back and think about what YOU want, are happy with, what is driving your thinking. Then think about what she wants, what, if anything would work for you. Plan with your husband, as a team, and then put that plan into action consistently.

MerylStreep

AbbieS9812
Your post in April received 4 pages of replies. Not one reply from you, let alone a thank you.

So is it all genuine ? maybe a pinch of salt is needed

You could be right Lucca.

Weirdly enough, I sometimes am.

Smileless2012

I think saying the OP's m.i.l. sounds "mentally deranged" and is "trying to abduct (the OP's D) and rear her herself" is way over the top M0nica.

Why don't we reward or give into unacceptable behaviour from children? Because is encourages them to carry on. There are 3 people who are equally responsible for what's happening here and has been happening for sometime. The OP, her husband and her m.i.l.

Might make the OP take some advice from experienced Gransnetters, though, Smileless

Of course, ducks may not faff around as much in thunderstorms in the USA, they may be more used to them than we are in the UK.

Lucca

lemsip

You've got to be strong against mil. Do NOT let such a young child sleepover! far to young....The child is yours, no one else's.

Sorry I agree with most of the advice given about this MIL however I don’t think 18 months is too young to stay overnight with a grandparent. Why is it ? What rule states that ?

I remember the DGD staying when their parents went to a wedding - at midnight with a hysterical one year old in my arms I was extremely thankful when DS and DIL arrived!
"She's yours" I said ?. The 3 year was fast asleep.
Needless to say, now she's older, she's a delight and asks to come and stay to 'look after me'.

DiscoDancer1975

There’s been so many threads like this Abbie. She’s your little girl. What you say goes. The shortest word in the English language, NO.

There’s been so many threads like this Abbie.

You're so right, DiscoDancer

Smileless2012 Not way over the top, just slightly.

The description of the MiL's behaviour suggests that there is some sort of mental imbalance their and while she isn't driving up to the house grabbing the child and running, by constantly wanting more and more contact with the child, talking of staying nights, every weekend is effectively abduction by stealth.

We have had two threads now of people being kind, sympathetic and nice, bothe threads saying the same thing, she has to stand up to MiL and see her off and so far the OP has done nothing but start another thread.

I just decided to try some shock tactics. I said I would be brutal and I was. The OP has little choice. She has to stand up to her MiL or else give her the baby and slip away.

As they say, there is no alternative.

Or, just or, there is no baby and no mother in law.

If the OP is getting it from her MIL and her DH is going along with it. You do get the point where you think 'is it me?' 'Is this normal?'

So making 2 threads is completely normal as you need your feeling clarified because you do think it's you. Its only when other people are like 'Erm. No thats not normal' your feelings are validated.

It's a horrible situation to be in if you say no, you'll get dramatics from MIL and your DH will want to enable that behaviour then your bad guy.

Been there OP and got the counselling for it.
If you want to DM, please do.

Frankly, I can't understand the obsession with some grandparents (both maternal, and paternal), who seem desperate to have their young GC stay overnight! I'd be more than willing to do so, if my babysitting services were required for some occasion, but it's not something I would request to do, just for the sake of it! What is the point, exactly? I can't think of anything worse than having a fretful child, waking in the night, in different surroundings, wanting mummy, or daddy.

Obviously, it sounds like your MiL has become a bit of a nuisance, turning up unexpectedly several times a week, and constantly suggesting she be allowed to have the child on her own. It would drive me insane. It seems she has plenty of time to see her GC, but you can't allow her to dictate to you what she wants, or how much time she gets to spend with your child.

I disagree with what some posters have suggested ... I don't think you should have to lock yourself in your house, and pretend not to be in, just to avoid her. And, likewise, you shouldn't have to go out when you don't want to!

Other than saying your DH is a bit soft, you've not said what he actually thinks of the whole situation. Have you discussed it with him in detail, telling him how annoying/pushy his mother is becoming? Is he aware of the full extent of the problem, or does he think that there isn't a problem ... that it's his mother, and he's OK with her spending so much time with his daughter? If he's working, and not around when she visits so frequently, maybe he doesn't understand how annoying it is. The only way to resolve this problem is to make him understand what's going on, and his mother needs to be told that you don't need any overnight babysitting right now, but in the future, if/when you do require any babysitting, you will let her know. Just tell her that, for now, it's not something you need, but maybe when your child is older, and you need a babysitter, you'll let her know.

You do sound very young, and perhaps lacking confidence to assert yourself, but if you don't say something soon, matters will only continue to get worse.

As for the frequent visits, maybe you could tell her you're going out shortly, and if she says she can look after your daughter, just tell her there's no need as you're visiting a friend who also has a little one, as your daughter needs to start to socialise with other children. If she doesn't get the hint, start to pack your bag, and get your coat ready.

Move house if you can, preferably at least a couple of hours away. Or is that not possible because of your husband's job?

If moving isn't an option, then you have to get your husband to talk to his mother.

She sounds as if she's insensitive to your wishes, and quite overbearing.

I don't know whether you are the same yojng mother as the last one who asked a similar question.

However, I will gladly repeat what I said last time.

NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there.

How do you explain to a child that age, that you have not deserted her, but intend to come and fetch her again`?'

A lot of paternal grandparents feel that the maternal grandparents are favoured over them, but reading your post, I gather that if you go to stay with your family, you and your daughter go - you are not leaving her with your parents or grandparents,

Your MIL sees her granddaughter for a couple of hours several times a week, so she had absolutely nothing to complain of.

Don't let her have the child to stay without you!

If you were ill and needed help looking after the child, then your MIL should be staying with you in your home, not taking the child to hers.

NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there

I don't agree that that should be a rigid rule for every child. Each child is different. I think it depends on personality, parental approaches, relationship with relative and a few other things too. Some children it may be wrong for, but not all

Good post March

Madgran77

*NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there*

I don't agree that that should be a rigid rule for every child. Each child is different. I think it depends on personality, parental approaches, relationship with relative and a few other things too. Some children it may be wrong for, but not all

Absolutely. Who says a baby/child shouldn’t stay overnight with someone else . I take exception to that autocratic statement !

I had my granddaughter stay when she was quite young, maybe 16 months ? No problems at all. Now she and her young brother (aged 3) often come fir a few nights in the school holidays, we all look forward to it,

NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there.

How do you explain to a child that age, that you have not deserted her, but intend to come and fetch her again`?'

I'm not sure what the difference is between staying overnight and staying all day. I looked after two of mine for a couple of days a week from 12 months old, 7.30 am to 6.00 pm.
They always seemed very happy.

A child/toddler can stay at a grandparents at any age if the parents agree.
Grandparents can have asmuch time alone, can go on walks, baby classes , can babysit and all that ASLONG as the parents agree.

The trouble is when Grandparents think they have a right to these things and push and pressure, usually the mother, into these things.
That isn't right or fair.

*The trouble is when Grandparents think they have a right to these things and push and pressure, usually the mother, into these things.
That isn't right or fair.*

I agree. But my response was to the somewhat rigid view expressed applied to ALL children not in relation to grandparents behaviour which like children, varies.