Is it wrong to not let MIl have LO every week?

Gransnet can't solve this problem for you, only you can. You received some sensible advice previously but only you can implement it.
You cannot have your mother in law beating on your doors demanding entrance to your house. Tell your husband that you will not admit her and stick to it. It will be hard, but you have to do it or else your mother in law will take over completely. As for making your daughter cry when she leaves, stop that immediately.

I am being harsh here but I think you are too dependent on your own family as well. You and your husband are the parents and are responsible for your child; you and he need to spend time with the baby, just the three of you.

Your choice, but you have to carry it through. It will probably be horrid but it is for the well-being of your daughter.
Oh, and think about moving.

You've got to be strong against mil. Do NOT let such a young child sleepover! far to young....The child is yours, no one else's.

AbbieS9812

Even when I was pregnant I had a gut feeling that MIl always wanted to treat my baby like hers, sees her as a secound chance and the baby girl shes always wanted. I can understand it to some extent, if I ever become a nan I'd be able to reminse on being a mum to a small child. I trust mil with LO but feels like she wants to take her away from me and want her to need her more than me. Mim wants lo to cry for her so bad, taunts her as she leaves by opening and closing the front door. Calling her name so she sees mil is about to leave. Lo never cries for her as she isnt the clingy type, but if she makes the slightest noise (could be for a toy.. anything) she will walk back in and go awwww I'm here ? it makes me cringe so bad. Along with the pressure that's pushing me away, she gives me a weird vibe. My family love lo to bits, can play with her, do whatever. But when it comes to mil she just seem to have a different motive, like she is trying to take her away, so I get protective and refuse to leave LO with her and stop her creating the mother and daughter bond she is trying to create with her. This was hard to admit, its embarrassing but I like to know if I am being stupid ?

This is all sorts of manipulative and wrong.
Trust your gut feeling.

I think you are insanely generous seeing her as much as you do

She is bullying you because she can -its as simple as that! You are allowing it to happen, as long as you lie down she will continue to walk over you. Stop it now , she will never see your point of view and the problem will escalate. You have nothing to loose by telling her what is going to happen. Once you have had the courage to stand up to her she will probably back down . More than likely you will only have to tell her once! Please do it or move away , she sounds like a very controlling woman

Is your child her only grandchild? Or the only girl?
It’s awkward you live so close to each other but you and your husband have to agree on what you are happy with and keep to it. She needs to see that you are united. If not she will blame just you. She may do that anyway but you and your husband really need to work together on this.

How much longer are you going to continue posting this same issue?

Drag your mommy's boy to marital therapy and refuse to talk to your mil.

You and LO are off the table till he learns to deal with his mother.

Your MiL is going from door to door to get into your house because she can hear you in there? That's grossly intrusive and really not on.

It may be difficult at the moment but I suggest you join, as soon as possible, at least one mother and toddler group. You need the company and support of other mums and your little girl needs to learn to socialise with other children (that's what you tell your MiL, anyway!). Maybe you'll be able to invite some of them round to your house and give your MiL a shock when she turns up!

In the meantime, go out (don't pass her house) so that you're frequently not there when she turns up - fresh air is so good for toddlers.....

What is it that she wants to do with an 18 month old baby that she can’t do with the baby’s mother around?

I think you got a lot of good advice a few months ago?

I thought this sounded familiar. OP so much empathy, support and advice was given to you last time you posted about this same problem. Did you take anything from that advice? Did you tell your DH/OH that he has to man up and sort this out once and for all? Regrettably we on GN can't resolve this for you; your DH/OH, on the other hand, most certainly can.

You have asked for advice on this very problem some months back you were given all the same sort of advice but obviously haven’t acted on it as you are still in the same predicament asking the same question so what more can be said or done
now it’s entirely down to you or you will be back in a few months asking again No point asking if you re not going to take the advice given

It sounds as if you favour your own family. It isn't fair really but it IS normal. My grandson's step-granny makes a BIG distinction between my GS and her own grandchildren, despite claiming to treat them all equally. But certainly, if my daughter had a partner with children of his own, I wouldn't care about them as much as I do my GS.

I think really, if your DH wants your LO to spend more time with HIS mum, then he needs to facilitate it. Obviously, you have to take your husband's feelings into account as he is also your LO's parent.

But as the others have said, if you don't do anything about it, you will forever have the same problem.

Totally agree with lucky girls post! I’ve never heard anything like this, I wouldn’t be putting up with this for one second, whose child is this! 5 days a week, you feeling under pressure, if you want to ask your family to help that’s what you do, she’s moaning that she doesn’t get enough 1 to 1 time with her, she’s a toddler for gods sake not a parcel to be handed round, she would like to babysit every weekend, she’s got it all worked out hasnt she, you obviously don’t want this for your little one, and to top it all she’s pressurising you and making you feel uncomfortable and she’s rude! Where’s your partner in all this, quite frankly I’ve never heard anything like it, you must start being assertive she’s trying to walk all over both of you, and your husband should be supporting you, you sound very young, your MIL has had her children this little one is yours and your partners, I would be telling her that, she needs to seriously calm down! Big red flags

Just seen after I posted you have repeated this post from earlier and you were given advice before, well it seems like you are going round in circles then and nothing has changed

Now things are opening up you could start going to mother and toddler groups so you are not always available

From the way the OP is written, it sounds as if AbbieS9812 is in the States, Redhead56.
Things may be different there.

I don't think there is anything I can add from the advice given on the previous thread(s).

Your MiL's behaviour is not good for your LO. Trying to make her cry when she leaves is cruel. If she loves your LO she wouldn't do this. She sounds very needy and you need to be firm with her.

It really isn’t fair to favour your own family. I know grandparents have no rights but if they did they would surely be equal. My DIL openly favours her own mother who lives a long way away and will arrange her life such as dentist, hairdresser, going out with friends etc until her mother next comes to stay. It’s not nice to be treated this way.

Your other thread has been posted on again Abbie; might have been better to stick with the original rather than starting another one.

I thought this problems sounded familiar. the advice you got three months ago is the advice w are giving now.

Sadly, you are one of a number of people who post problems on GN, who somehow think there is some magic formula that will solve their problems with out them having to do anything about it. Usually it is this tendency to look to others to solve all their problems while they stick their heads in the sand that caused the problem in the first place.

I will, I am sorry but I am going to be brutal.

You have a mother in law who sounds mentally deranged, or is in relation to her grandchild and is trying to abduct your child and rear her herself

You have three options. They are in order of preference

1) Move house. if you are renting that shouldn't be a problem, less easy if you have to sell first. Move at least 30 miles, preferably not on a public transport route with a difficult car route as well . This is the sensible and best solution. If you are not on the doorstep it is much less easy to constantly visit.

2) Stand up for your child. Most women would die to protect their children, You aren't even prepared to stand up to an unpleasant woman. For heavens sake. Tell your MiL what your rules are, then expect her to obey them. If she hammers on the door for three hours in a thunder storm. leave her there. Keep the house locked during the day, so she cannot get in. Ignore her phone calls. If necessary seek legal advice, but for heavens sake be prepared to protect your child, that is what mothers are meant to do.

3) On the other hand you could could acquiesce, hand the child to your Mil, and go somewhere else and get a job.

All except the first mean that you have to do something. If all you are going to do is phaff around like duck in a thunderstorm, go for option 3 and be done with it.

I think saying the OP's m.i.l. sounds "mentally deranged" and is "trying to abduct (the OP's D) and rear her herself" is way over the top M0nica.

Why don't we reward or give into unacceptable behaviour from children? Because is encourages them to carry on. There are 3 people who are equally responsible for what's happening here and has been happening for sometime. The OP, her husband and her m.i.l.

Mind you, I can see how 18 months of being mithered like this has driven you up the wall.

Make sure she hasn’t got spare keys to your house. Most people understand the boundary of a locked door but she seems to not be picking that one up.

I’m afraid your other half sounds like a bit of a weasel not to have tried to find a solution to these massively mismatched expectations.

I remember being in a similar predicament when my children were small. Not half as bad at all, but how i resented my mil for expecting more and more contact and involvement. In hindsight, i realise i was worried about upsetting her and being labelled difficult. These days i couldnt give a flying f if i upset people, within reason, You have to be strong and deal with the comments that will come, if you do things differently and she doesnt like it. As for her doing peep o crap at the door, go to the door with her, child on your hip, wave bye bye sweetly, then close and lock the door behind her, such a simple solution. You need that conversation with your OH and if he is reluctant to say anything to her, then you have to accept you will be the ogre, in her eyes. But isnt that better than putting up with her behaviour that makes your blood boil? Trust me, you will be glad you have sorted this, when you are older and have grown a thicker skin. She may not like it, but she is being unreasonable, and needs to know it, one way or another.

lemsip

You've got to be strong against mil. Do NOT let such a young child sleepover! far to young....The child is yours, no one else's.

Sorry I agree with most of the advice given about this MIL however I don’t think 18 months is too young to stay overnight with a grandparent. Why is it ? What rule states that ?

Lucca

lemsip

You've got to be strong against mil. Do NOT let such a young child sleepover! far to young....The child is yours, no one else's.

Sorry I agree with most of the advice given about this MIL however I don’t think 18 months is too young to stay overnight with a grandparent. Why is it ? What rule states that ?

It is if a parent feels it is.

Each family has different levels of comfort

Of course. But it isn’t a hard and fast rule !