Grandparents don't help or make effort

I wonder if a mother being thought of as the "main person" is one of the reasons for family discord today.

Smileless2012

I wonder if a mother being thought of as the "main person" is one of the reasons for family discord today.

I think people are meaning the main person in regard to the children. I was too, and like disco, my husband and I both brought different things to the table, but I was the main carer of the children. My husband cared for all of us. Today maybe it’s all different. Both parents often working, stay at home dads, etc.

Yes we did too. I was a stay at home mum for 7 years but would never have regarded myself as the main person.

Lucca

CafeAuLait

Lucca

The mother of the child is the main person after all

Really ??? Why ?

I suppose I was as a mother. I scheduled all the children's appointments and classes and play dates because I facilitated them. I kept a diary that managed the activities of all of them (because it was also my diary of things to do). DH was also content to let me be social secretary (not by my choice - just not something he did, or, rather, didn't do). If you want to be scheduled in, communicate with me or build the kind of relationship where I feel I can and want to invite you myself. If you expect DH to do it, prepare to be disappointed.

The mother might be the person who does that in many families but she is not therefore the “main” person! The father is just as important.

Yes, the father is just as important and everyone should be a 'main' person. But if the mother is the main organiser then that might be relevant when it comes to family relationships and involvement. I am definitely the family manager. It's just an organisational role, it doesn't make me more important, but it does make difference when it comes to social things. It's not a role I asked for, DH just totally abdicated responsibility for that sort of thing. Maybe because his mother organised the family and that's the example he was set?

Smileless2012

Yes we did too. I was a stay at home mum for 7 years but would never have regarded myself as the main person.

But you were the primary caregiver so probably the main person when it came to scheduling? Main doesn't have to mean most important. My husband is the main person in other roles.

well whoever most looks after the children day to day is the main person in regard to those children.
i can't see what is controversial or objectionable about that.
if one of them dropped out of the picture for a while, say getting stuck abroad for a month, which would affect young children most, the mother being away or the father.
in most families it is still the mother.

Agree, welbeck

If asked to childmind I will, but I never push in.

Kzzharr

I'm really confused as to how I've seemingly offended so many people on this post.
Just asked for some compassion. Maybe I've hit a nerve of some of the more 'detached' grandparents as they now know how their DiL feel?

Kzzharr, take no notice of some of the rude, quarrelsome and unkind old biddies on this forum, it sounds like your inlaws don't deserve to be part of your family's life. Maybe invite your DH's sisters round for coffee. See if they accept the invitation. Also ask your inlaws if they could babysit at their house while you go shopping or keep an appointment or something like that, see what they say. If they say they can't, try one more time, then I think i'd give up with them. Just leave them to your husband to deal with. I wish you good luck and send you hugs.

Holding a different opinion is not generally regarded as unkind.
I don't have a daughter in law, by the way.

"Maybe I've hit a nerve of some of the more 'detached' grandparents as they know how their DiL feel" I think it's your apparent assumption that GP's who do not want to be overly involved in their GC's lives are "detached" that has given offence Kzzharr.

We are estranged from our youngest son and only GC so sadly don't have the option of even knowing them, let alone being a significant presence in their lives.

Even so, I wouldn't judge any GP who chose not to be.

not all GPs want to be involved in child care or babysitting.
they are not obliged to be.
maybe they sense that you expect or want this of them, so they are keeping things a bit distant.
i don't know why they seem to be more involved with your niece, but then neither do you, and it won't get you anywhere by agonising over it.
i think you have to let it go. be happy with what you do have.

I'm sorry your idea of grandparenting isn't being met by your husband's parents.

If you want a different sort of family life could you move near to your parents?

Just wondering.

NotSpaghetti

I'm sorry your idea of grandparenting isn't being met by your husband's parents.

If you want a different sort of family life could you move near to your parents?

Just wondering.

Good idea. Although….in a few months/years time three would be a thread on here “Our daughter in law made my son move hundreds of miles away and now we never see our grandchild”

Ha ha! Possibly Lucca.
But at least the OP would be happier.

Personally, I wouldn't have wanted to be close to either sets of grandparents when we were bringing up our 5 - my own parents particularly as they would have been there all the time - but it's important to do what suits your family best.

You can't change other people. You can change yourself and how you respond to others, but I'd definitely look at moving if I longed for more family contact. It looks as though it would be a win-win in this case to be honest.

welbeck... "i don't know why they seem to be more involved with your niece" ...

Probably because the niece is the child of the MiLs daughter, rather than her son's child. Not saying that's right (and hopefully most GPs wouldn't show favouritism), but we all know that, often, mothers & daughters spend more time together than mothers & sons do, especially once they are married, when it often becomes apparent that the daughter's family is favoured over the son's. Therefore, it is sadly the case that many paternal GPs don't get to spend so much time with their son's family.

We know that there are many MiLs who would love to have a closer relationship with their DiLs, and grandchildren, but some DiLs don't want that. It is unfortunate, in this case, the OP would like a closer relationship with her in-laws in order that they would spend more time with her baby, and show more interest. However, it seems that her MiLs time is taken up with her own daughter and her child.

If only we could all be more sensitive towards the feelings of our in-laws, whether that's parents-in-law, or sons/daughters-in-law.

I've blocked a lot of memories with my grief over my late husband but last night remembered an upset with my MIL which caused a rift between my late husband and his brother. She never liked me because I was a 'southerner', but I tolerated her hostility for my husband's sake.

The relationship broke down completely when we had invited her for Christmas again as it was our turn, and she said she'd already been invited by my husband's brother (who sadly couldn't have children) - but when they spoke, my husband realised she'd lied. It took me years to realise that she wanted to be the centre of attention, as she was at my BIL's house.

You could be right Lucca there may well be a thread on here at some point on that topic, but it wouldn't necessarily be started by the OP's m.i.l., and we'd have no way of knowing if it was.

Let's face it, there are numerous threads and posts from GM's who are unable to see their GC because of a d.i.l. or s.i.l.'s intervention, so let's not make light of what is for many, a very upsetting subject.

Smileless I wasn’t really making light of it. I was just pointing out possibly tongue in cheek (which I believe is allowed on GN) that there are often two possible sides to a story.

Lucca, I think it's a real possibility that many sons and son-in-law want to keep their family to themselves. There could easily be a thread indicating that.

The baby was born last October which means he is about 10 months old. Many people don't particularly like babies, even though they've may have had their own, which I gather is always different. To other people babies are often boring. The In-laws may well feel differently once he becomes more of a little person.

Some mothers and daughters have very good relationships and each will understand the needs of the other as regards the baby. That is something that Kzzharr doesn't have right now and it can take a long to build.

You can be sure that many of the people on here would have had a preference for one or other of their children. Don't forget that your SIL and her mother will have lived together for upwards of 18 years and will probably have developed a close relationship. You don' t say how long you've been with your OH but you cannot compete with your SIL.

Stop sending photos to the in laws. Only you will notice the changes from one week to the next.

I am now a grandparent of six grandchildren aged between six and 18 and I am 71 years old. I have no recollection of any of my grandparents – only three were alive in my lifetime – babysitting or doing any sort of childcare. They welcomed us when we visited and sent birthday and Christmas cards and presents. My own mother loved to play with and read to my daughter when she visited or we visited her. My daughter was treasured by her grandparents on both sides of the family although, once again, a maternal grandfather was no longer there.

I do a lot of childcare and hugely love and enjoy being with my grandchildren, as most of us do. I emigrated across the world to be with my family and do not, for a second, regret doing so. However, I am growing older and more tired and have many other issues in my life, including very serious health issues for mr absent and lesser serious issues for myself. The choice of looking after or not looking after any of my grandchildren has to be mine, not their parents – and they would be the first to say so.

Hi there sorry this is happening, having a baby should be a happy time

I think it's natural that she is closer to her own daughter

If you have sons and they have children the sons wife usually gets her support from her own Mum and then the sons Mum don't get much involvement so effort is usually required on the part of the sons mum

I am the sons mum and effort had to me made my son and daughter in law never bring their children to me, if I want to see my grandchildren I have to make the effort and go to their house

I wish my daughter in law was more like you

So alot could be going on here

Maybe she feels that you would not want her to get involved, have a casual light chat to her about it let her actually know that you need and want some help

Maybe she has just made a decision that she doesn't feel happy or comfortable sharing baby duties

Can you husband have a chat

One thing I will say is that if you want your children to have a relationship with her the effort is going to have to come from you by the sounds of things

If you try everything and still she does not budge please let it go don't dwell on it just because all that will do is upset you

For what it's worth when I had my first child I felt overwhelmed and called my mum for help only to be told that she was too busy to help me and I went from feeling overwhelmed to ok fine I don't need you or anyone I will do this alone

And I did too, brought up two children with absolutely no help from anyone not even my husband because he worked like a dog for most of their childhood

And you know what I am proud of myself

I totally wish you all the best

You have many blessings a baby a husband, it's the best time of life please enjoy it and don't waste not one day

They sound absolutely awful and you and your kid are better off without them! I wouldn't waste any more time worrying about them, he's better off without those sorts of people in his life when they are so many others who love him and will grow to love him when they get to know him xx