Visiting children and grandchildren

"If the mother is there every week, it wouldn’t hurt her to miss out for once"

Why should mum lose out? She looks after GC, it's a schedule.

Allsorts

As usual, the same people saying children are always right. I think they are being totally unreasonable. If the mother is there every week, it wouldn’t hurt her to miss out for once, as for the friends they can be re arranged, but I would go and accept their conditions and reconnect with them all and it’s not worth causing bad feeling as you will be the once to be hurt. I wonder at these young people where their priorities are. Luckily you have a good life with a lovely wife

I think you might need to read the thread again, because no one has said children are always right. That’s ridiculous.

You ask where the young people’s priorities are? Why don’t you ask the OP where his priorities are. He chose to move and live in another country, away from his children and grandchildren. Where are his priorities?

And what do you mean by “conditions”. Do you think children should have no say over when and for how long a parent decides to visit and stay at their home?

If it had previously been negotiated and agreed that you spend the whole time with them and now they have given backword, then no, you are not being unreasonable.
But I am not sure that is the case. It seems that you have assumed you can stay, rather than negotiating.
Since the other Grandma is there to look after the child, that suggests your daughter will be at work on those days. I can see that it wouldn’t work for you to stay there at that time, if you think about it.
You are spending a whole weekend with your son and family, and what seems like the following weekend with your daughter? There is a gap of four days, so it is not unreasonable for you to stay somewhere else for that time. You cant expect to impose when it is not convenient. It doesn't mean they don't want to see you, but it has to fit in with their lives too. It gives your wife time to get her reports written (without small children around!). I suspect it is the expense that it worrying you as well.
It is certainly not something to give up on your children over. Enjoy the time you have with them.

The OP has chosen a new marriage.
To move abroad.
To limit his involvement with his family.
To visit as often as he chooses and at a time when it is convenient for him.

In return he expects his daughters family to accommodate him and his wife regardless of their work schedule (they need childcare that week)
To take precedence over a parent who supports the family all the time (she can miss out)
For his son to tell his wife’s friends that an arranged visit is cancelled. (how it messes up their week doesn’t matter)

In short for everyone to to rearrange their lives to suit him.

And some people think the children are the selfish ones?

Peasblossom Precisely!!!!!!!!!!

As an adult child who has had to deal with abroad parents who like to call and tell me when they are visiting, yes, you are being unreasonable. I have a busy life, my own commitments, needs of family members - and having someone call and tell you when they expect to be fit in is difficult. My life doesn't stop because someone wants to come visit. Call and work out a time that works for both parties. Then your visit can be looked forward to.

I've had family stay in a B&B when I didn't have a spare room. As the child who always had to vacate my room for guests, I decided not to do that to my children.

Don't give up on your children because they won't/can't always work around how you want things to be. Respect their needs and lives and work something mutually out together that fits for both of you.

Me too CafeAuLait

I absolutely adore my dad but he has always been a free spirit and when he tells me he is coming I end up with anxiety around work and children and juggling everything that I wouldn't have with notice.

I wouldn't ever want to change him but it does have an impact on me I have to hide.

Why hide it, VioletSky? I finally got through to my family that they need to talk to me before they book their travel. I missed a really good personal opportunity because I didn't say no once. That might impact the rest of my life because they didn't want to take a week of leave.

Our move abroad was discussed at length with our AC- and they were totally for it and actually encouraged us. But we insisted on keeping a small 'pied-à-terre' in the UK, and we plan visits well in advance and never ever invite ourselves.
We discuss when we might go over, and then say if you have time to see us or have us for a few days, we would love to see you. They have space, and never impose our presence, and make sure we never stay more than 5-6 days with either at a time, and take ourselves off for a few hours here or there to give them a breather.

My parents used to come for 3 weeks at a time- and as much as I adored them, it was quite hard, especially at Christmas. Due to OH's work, we were never able to go over Christmas and New Year, they always came to us, and sometimes my MIL too. Bless them.

That sounds like a very considerate and good arrangement, Kali. 5-6 days is a good length.

I don't think it would change anything and apart from that I think I get ashamed of being anxious... Like I should be able to just handle things and that's not a Dad problem

There's no shame in being anxious, VioletSky. Many people are. Anxiety can have a genetic basis, so it might have come from a parent, even if you aren't aware of it. Asking someone to confirm whether a time works for you is reasonable. We all have to do what works for us though.

CafeAuLait

There's no shame in being anxious, VioletSky. Many people are. Anxiety can have a genetic basis, so it might have come from a parent, even if you aren't aware of it. Asking someone to confirm whether a time works for you is reasonable. We all have to do what works for us though.

I know... I'd say the same to anyone else, I'll work on it

Planning & communication is key it would appear. Although I do wonder on occasions when everyone is 'busy' ....... maybe..... we all need to take a step back and allow family/friend's visit's to go with the flow.... Why does everything have to be 'planned'
When we die..... everyone rallies round?! Just a thought.....

It is always easy to give out advice to other people and then not heed our own isn't it VS?

Allsorts, I have no idea how you got out of this entire thread that children are always right. If the roles were reversed and AC were expecting a grandparent to drop everything happening in their life, I would also think the AC were being unreasonable.

I cant speak for anyone else on this thread, but I will guess that the majority of the people who find the OP's behavior unreasonable would agree with me and call out the AC if the roles were reversed.

Taylor: I would imagine that employers would prefer a heads up and the children's school or sitters would want to know in advance. I know around here, if you do not book after care at the school a month in advance, there are no spots available.

None of the above would care if a relative showed up on my doorstep for a visit without advanced notice. I would have to be at work or get fired. Children miss to much school and their learning suffers.

Planning is important.

Though I agree, in those 4 days while the OP is visiting, allowing things to go with the flow and not need to plan every minute of the visit.

Taylor2016

Planning & communication is key it would appear. Although I do wonder on occasions when everyone is 'busy' ....... maybe..... we all need to take a step back and allow family/friend's visit's to go with the flow.... Why does everything have to be 'planned'
When we die..... everyone rallies round?! Just a thought.....

Because job, kids, school, clubs.....
Going with the flow is a privilege that many do not have.

I can feel your pain & frustration! I don’t think you are being entirely unreasonable.

Why not pull out altogether this time & ask them exactly when it would be more convenient? Air your disappointment about this trip when you talk.
In yr shoes I’d not stay with them at all, ever, but would stay nearby and try not to make the AC & GC your entire focus.

Does your wife have to accompany you? She might be glad to stay home to get on quietly with her reports? Give her some space?

Surely you can entertain yourself in the days between son’s & daughter’s place? Yes the days are short & weather possibly not great, but there must be friends you can catch up with or other activities you can enjoy in the interlude?
See this trip for the opportunity and bonus that it is. Better than nothing. Better than some families have had.
Ooooh, AC can be so frustrating!

I think if the visit was instigated and at a time chosen by OP he should be prepared to make whatever compromises are necessary.
If invited by his S and DIL one would assume they had chosen a time when they were free and did not have anybody else visiting.
Somehow I don’t think the latter is the case.

I think there are a few holes in your plans. You want to visit for only ONE specific week, because that's the only time your wife has off. What if that's a difficult week for your children? Work & day to day life don't stop because a part-time parent wants to visit.

If it's so difficult for your wife to get time off, why don't you synchronise with your children, find a week that suits them and come back on your own? Much easier for a retired man with no other plans to fit in with them than for 2 families (how many people in total?) to fit in with you.

Taylor2016

Planning & communication is key it would appear. Although I do wonder on occasions when everyone is 'busy' ....... maybe..... we all need to take a step back and allow family/friend's visit's to go with the flow.... Why does everything have to be 'planned'
When we die..... everyone rallies round?! Just a thought.....

It's a whole lot different to tell employers and others that your parent/child/grandparent/grandchild has died than that they have decided they are visiting this particular week. Everyone knows life happens and some things are out of our control. Visiting in a set week 'just because' isn't one of those things.

Of course flexibility is important - on both sides. Nominating a particular week as the only possibility and expecting to be accommodated is unreasonable and inflexible. Mutual respect should see the time for a visit discussed and worked out together - with both sides being flexible where possible. OP isn't doing this.

Another consideration: if the daughter and SIL have to work, it may still be necessary to have Granny over to baby-sit. Now, I am NOT saying that OP and his wife are incompetent. Hear me out. Rather, depending on how communication has been with the family, the children may not know them very well and may be uncomfortable being left with adults they don't know. Also, for some children, routines are hugely important and having visitors for several days can really throw off their routines.

I agree agnurse. The children may not be comfortable with grandpa and wife. That does not mean they are not capable, she is a teacher for goodness sake. But would she even want to spend her holiday watching young children?

Children, especially young children, need routine.

Peasblossom, why shouldn’t the man move abroad and have a new partner? If he lived round the corner waiting for invites that wouldn’t be right either. Grown up people make their own decisions. His child is a grown woman with her own family, it’s just a matter of compromise which under the circumstances with Covid and everyone’s pIans to pot I would have thought they could have, but no matter, as I ve already said what I would do, go, accept what is on offer, say nothing, next time ask them when it’s convenient for all involved when they should visit during the times they have available, good luck with that. However, I could quite understand him cancelling it until they come up with a suitable time that suits both sides.

I absolutely agree with you all sorts. I’m 100% in favour if people choosing how to live their lives. He’s made a good choice and is obviously happy in his new life.

What I wanted to point out was that his children also have their own lives and he should understand that they also can make choices about how they live them.

He does rather expect everyone to rearrange their lives to suit his.