Visiting children and grandchildren

I suppose my point about him living abroad was that, by choice, he’s not part of their everyday lives. And life goes on. When someone moves away you don’t sit in a vacuum, you get busy with other things and other people.

They have made space to see him. Just not what he wants.

You are being unreasonable. Did you ask them what their arrangements are before you took your decision? School holidays don’t suddenly pop up so did you plan well in advance? Our children have grown up, married and have families and if both parents work they have to have fail-safe childcare arrangements. Times have changed since we were young. If you choose to live abroad you won’t be able to “drop in” so it is more complicated.

I think you have to remember your children have their lives too, but having a few quality days is surely better than nothing. Do you invite them to stay with you in the school holidays? Maybe that’s an option to explore for the future, especially as the grandchildren get older and can travel without parents.
Surely the days when you can’t see them, maybe offer to take the grandchildren out for the day, or at least do something yourselves to enjoy your time so when you see the next child you can be positive about your time and not moan about the limited visiting time.

I completely agree Peasblossom. It's not reasonable to expect everyone to manage their lives to fit someone else's preferences and schedule. If anything, the retired person probably has more flexibility than a busy young family. Maybe OP could visit alone for a week? I'm sure he'd rather go with his wife but maybe one of the consequences of choosing to live abroad is that sometimes, that can't happen?

Everyone is so busy nowadays and my lads don’t live near me as both met wife’s from different places but when I visit I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans or expect to stay in there homes. I do similar to you stay in homes and hotels. End of day it’s not what you want it’s what is easier for them. Stop tossing your dummy out the pram and making a mountain out of a molehill. Go enjoy yourself after all if covid as taught us anything that family is important. Don’t let your grandkids think your grumpy grandad

Perhaps they hate you.
Perhaps they don't
Why don't you ask

I agree it.is always better to have separate digs if possible.
The saying that "Guests, like fish, stink after three days" has a lot of truth in it.
We can all try to be accommodating for a few days but then reality kicks in and routines need to be re-established.
When my daughter and her family visit us, our house was designed and built to accommodate two people, they stay in the local Premier Inn. Comfortable affordable and their stuff is not cluttering up our house and they have their own bathroom. What is not to like?We have adopted the same principle when visiting them as their twins are teenagers now and need the privacy of their own bedrooms and my daughter's bedroom, although big, is also serving as a home office now. So we choose to stay at a lovely B+B in the same village less than five minutes walk away. We like our own space and I'm sure that they do too.

You are being very unreasonable almost demanding they drop everything for your visit. Life is not like that. You have to fit in with them not them with you. It is their homes, their children, their life. You have chosen yours, you are the ones who have to be flexible and accept what is offered. Some of us have not seen our DGC for years and would drop everything for a weekend with them. My partner and I would never stay at my children's place but always book a hotel room. Slightly different when it is Mum & Dad. You have a second wife not the children's mother it is difficult having other people with different habits staying when you have young children.

You say you are "going mad" with what you see as "complete selfishness from both children".
Thats enough for me to totally understand why said children would want to swerve having you come and stay with them.

Do we know Peterson is definitely a man? ‘ He ‘ writes more like an entitled grandmother. I never think men are as bad, but I’m sure someone will have an example of one who is.

I kind of see it from both sides, but ‘he’ is the ne who’s moved away. It’s difficult, but our children are now the ones with busy lives, and we just have to fit in.

I would be quite surprised if whatever sex they may be the OP returns. They tend not to.

What's wrong with hotels and bnbs?

Nothing but if they can have friends to stay it speaks volumes if they can't accommodate a parent and his partner.

It would seem to me that no proper conversations are taking place between all concerned. If i want to visit my AC and GC, I always give lots of notice and we discuss if it's convenient for all. This does not appear to have happened in this instance.

Riggie

*What's wrong with hotels and bnbs?*

Nothing but if they can have friends to stay it speaks volumes if they can't accommodate a parent and his partner.

They are accommodating him and his partner though. Both children are happy for their dad and his partner to stay in their homes - just not for the entire trip because they have prior commitments and work commitments. I think it speaks volumes that the OP can’t understand this and is “ready to give up on them”.

I suspect with lots of threads like this a throughly irate parent/grandparent, goes online looking for forums to moan on and by the time they have finished have doing this, they have completely lost track on where they have posted and anyway, having had a good moan they feel so much better, thye just get on iwth their lives and never feel a need to checkout any of these sites or threads again.

I agree with Peablossom & others. Our DGC & parents live 5000 miles away & we've not seen them for 3 years. DH & I are going over soon, and (by discussion) we won't stay in their house for long, but will have other accommodation for much of the time. We appreciate that it's hard work having guests for any length of time, and this is doubly so, if the hosts are working. Visitors staying elsewhere gives everyone a break!

Riggie

*What's wrong with hotels and bnbs?*

Nothing but if they can have friends to stay it speaks volumes if they can't accommodate a parent and his partner.

Except they did accommodate the parent and partner.

Just not the whole time

Peterson - come on - you live abroad, you are the person (I guess) who has chosen to do that and leave his adult children and grandchildren with an absent grandfather. You have put the distance between you. And you may have very much altered your family dynamic.

You say your daughter's mother looks after the grandchildren every week - I presume you mean your ex-wife? Why should she have to disappear so you can visit?

And where does the idea that you can stay in your children's homes come from? Your son and daughter might not want you for more than a few hours at a time, and likewise they might not want your wife as a house guest. No judgement here, just alerting you to the dynamics of second marriages and the wishes of parents who have chosen to be absent to suddenly re-insert themselves in the lives of their children when it suits.

So yes YABU - if your grandchildren are so important to you, get on with your bnb and be grateful that you will have the opportunity to meet them all at intervals.

We're another family who don't stay in our daughter's house when we visit. They really don't have the room with two children now anyway.
We used to stay at the Premier Inn, now we take our caravan to a lovely local site. We're here for the week as it's half-term.
We had both children on Sunday afternoon so our daughter and her partner could get some jobs done at home.
On Monday night our granddaughter came to us for a caravan sleepover.
Yesterday was a big get-together at our daughter's house with other family members coming for the day.
It's a good balance and it's like two holidays in one for us.

Another issue with visits to ac and gc may be on expectations for the trip.

Both parties may have different agendas for it and it collides

Some of us who are estranged from grandchildren would welcome any opportunity to see them irrespective of the cost to us or the time allowed to see them. We haven’t seen or heard from our two oldest granddaughters for 14 years, were excluded from their weddings and will never see our two great-grandchildren. My late mother used to say, ‘Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed’.

Oh FGS GoldenAge what a ridiculous post. I bet you wouldn't have put that if this was an AC living abroad and wanting to stay with their parents when they visited.

I don't expect the OP will return either Galaxy looking at some of the responses.

I dont mean because of the responses smileless. I mean that is the general pattern in these type of threads. I may be wrong this time.of course. I think the resonsss on the whole have been fine.

Unlike my typing.

Smileless2012

Oh FGS GoldenAge what a ridiculous post. I bet you wouldn't have put that if this was an AC living abroad and wanting to stay with their parents when they visited.

I don't expect the OP will return either Galaxy looking at some of the responses.

Hear hear,