Am I in the wrong

The son-in-law's dislike of Lollipoplove may have nothing to with her daughter. That's what I mean by the DD owing her husband loyalty. This combined with the fact that she cannot change his attitude without causing rows that she has to live with is the bottom line.

Sad though it may be from lolli's point of view that the choice is like it or lump it, that does seem on the face of it to be that.

The threat of taking no treatment to the negative mammogram news is, as others have said, emotional blackmail and is not fair.

Good post, MissAd.

Your results are very upsetting but you must not stop yourself getting treatment you need. Have you and your son in law not at least tried to be civil with each other. It's not fair on your daughter or your grandchild life is too short to let stubbornness get in the way.

I’m lost for words, your poor daughter.
Get treated get well and stop focusing on minutiae.

Background
Https://www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1293792-Forgive-PLEASE-HELP

I can’t believe how unkind some posts on this thread are. I’m very fortunate not to have had a bad result from a mammogram or a cancer diagnosis. But I do know what it’s like to feel you have nothing to live for. I have been there for totally different reasons. How I would react in lollipoplove’s situation I have no idea. It’s a horrible situation and I wonder how many of the critics on this thread have experienced such a combination? I can’t imagine I would act rationally. OP has come here looking for some help and support, perhaps she has nowhere else to turn, and sadly found precious little. Some posters should be thoroughly ashamed of what they have said.

Please ring one of the helplines and get in touch with one of the cancer charities. You need some support x

After reading your last thread, the last thig I would want to do is spend time with your son in law. It sounds like you need to fight this as your daughter is going to need you in the future.

Concentrate on your health - good luck

If chemo is needed then have it....for yourself it’s not a good idea to think you live solely for family gatherings.Turn to your friends and any other relatives you may have.
Many people are either estranged from close family or they have moved to the other side of the world and need to make a life for themselves.

Germanshepherdsmum

I can’t believe how unkind some posts on this thread are. I’m very fortunate not to have had a bad result from a mammogram or a cancer diagnosis. But I do know what it’s like to feel you have nothing to live for. I have been there for totally different reasons. How I would react in lollipoplove’s situation I have no idea. It’s a horrible situation and I wonder how many of the critics on this thread have experienced such a combination? I can’t imagine I would act rationally. OP has come here looking for some help and support, perhaps she has nowhere else to turn, and sadly found precious little. Some posters should be thoroughly ashamed of what they have said.

Agreed, some of the replies are very nasty and aggresive, the poster feels very down and maybe not thinking properly. 2 posters were a particularly aggresive and were not kind enough to say sorry about your news.
These particular posters seem to have no idea how others feel when they are so blunt. I say this as someone who thinks she should not put this on her daughter and should do her best to get better Good luck OP

You say the bad news was from your mammogram. Usually a mammogram indicates only that there is an anomaly which needs more tests to discover whether what is revealed is a malignant tumour, a benign tumour which won't spread, a cyst, or just a technical glitch. When something was found on my mammogram, it took a second mammogram and an ultrasound scan to show the tumour, and a biopsy to prove that it was indeed a malignant cancer.

Have you had these other tests, or are you assuming the worst from one mammogram? And how do you know at this early stage that you will need chemotherapy - that is usually only ascertained after the primary tumour has been removed and examined in the laboratory.

If you have a definite diagnosis of a malignant tumour, and have been told that you will have chemotherapy, then you have my sympathy. It is not an easy journey - but it is better than the alternative of just letting it kill you slowly.

If you are using the evidence of one mammogram to hurt your daughter, then that is indeed emotional blackmail, and as has said before is not fair. Only you know whether you doing this.

Am I right to feel so hurt that my Daughter says it’s to much pressure to put on her about allowing me back into the family gatherings or I see no point in prolonging my life with chemo.

You are entitled to feel as you do about what your daughter said to you; but equally your daughter is entitled to her feelings about what you said to her.

We all have the right to decide whether we want to start a treatment that may very well not prolong our life very long, and which may quite honestly make life not worth living while the treatment lasts.

If you have just received a diagnosis of breast cancer then obviously you are shocked and emotional.

Unfortunately, in this condition you made a remark to your daughter that shocked and hurt her over and above the shock she received when you told her your prognosis.

Please get in touch with either the consultant you were seen by or at the very least the nurse whom I assume was present during the consultation.

Ask to be put in touch with the relevant organization for breast cancer sufferers - I don't live in the UK so have no idea what it is called there, but I am sure there is one.

Ideally, you need someone to talk to who has been through what you are going through now, and who ought to be able to give you a realistic idea of whether you are being forced to choose between life and death right now

Breast cancer is treatable these days. Have you been told that chemo will be necessary? Usually a mammogram discovers very early stages of a cancer.

You need to talk the whole diagnosis and prognosis through with qualified oncologists (doctors and nurses). Only then can you make an informed decision about whether you want treatment or not.

You haven't mentioned your age or given any details as to what you were told - understandably enough as it is not any business of ours, but I feel I really must point out to you that there can be years of happy life ahead of you after treatment.

Please don't cheat yourself of that because you don't get on well with your SIL.

As I said to begin with, you can and should decide what path you wish to follow , but please do make a decision based on your consultant's advice rather on your shock, distress and confusion in the face of the kind of news none of us want to hear.

Get advice pronto from health professionals and ring your daughter and ask her to try to forgive your emotional outburst caused by your shock and distress.

I wish you the very best of luck and all the support you need at this difficult time.

I'm sorry for your diagnosis but please don't refuse treatment. You may well regret it when it is too late.
Do you really want someone to forgive you and include you because you will die otherwise? That would be meaningless to me. It really wouldn't make you feel better.

Your future and your life do not depend on your SiL being friendly with you.
I think maybe you should get some counselling for how you are feeling, but please, don't refuse treatment. But get it for you.

Germanshepherdsmum

I can’t believe how unkind some posts on this thread are. I’m very fortunate not to have had a bad result from a mammogram or a cancer diagnosis. But I do know what it’s like to feel you have nothing to live for. I have been there for totally different reasons. How I would react in lollipoplove’s situation I have no idea. It’s a horrible situation and I wonder how many of the critics on this thread have experienced such a combination? I can’t imagine I would act rationally. OP has come here looking for some help and support, perhaps she has nowhere else to turn, and sadly found precious little. Some posters should be thoroughly ashamed of what they have said.

Absolutely correct IMO GermanShepherdMum

to lollipoplove

Germanshepherdsmum, I disagree, the OP should be 'thoroughly ashamed of what they have said'.

Of course, emotions are irrational, but still, she'd be quite well aware of the pressure put on her daughter. Being ill is no excuse for her behaviour.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment, OP. Can you think of the things you enjoy and the things that give you motivation and energy outside your family? It's important to live for yourself and not rely on other people for purpose.

I do think it is quite a burden to put on your daughter to tell her that your relationship with her is the reason you are thinking of refusing treatment. I think you can mitigate that with further conversation at this point though. I don't think that is something you want to put on her.

Would you consider some counseling to talk about your thoughts? It might help a lot.

I will repeat - a mammogram does not give a complete diagnosis of cancer. It shows that more tests are needed as there may be a cancer - or there may be a smudge on the image. As many as nine out of ten people with a "bad mammogram result" are probably cancer-free.
Using an unproved possibility to try to make her daughter choose between her and her husband before she is referred for more definitive tests is just not on. It would be a bad move even if she is right about the diagnosis - ultimatums like this end in disaster more often than in success.

Elegran

Great observation!

If she hasn't been officially diagnosed, even more shame on her to jump to conclusions to shame her daughter

Makes you think that perhaps the son-in-law has a point.

a mammogram does not give a complete diagnosis of cancer The OP may not have known this, and just panicked, as my friend did when she got her result.

She needs to contact someone who can give her the right advice and tell her facts, instead of panicking.

If her mammogran showed something that could be sinister, she would have usually received an appointment very quickly to repeat it, and if there was still seems a susicion at that appointment, she would get further tests, either immediately or in a very few days. There is always a chance to ask questions and to be reassured.

Is she hasn't received an appointnent to repeat he mammograp and explain the implications of a possible diagnosis, she should be contacting her GP for an early appointment. The least possibility of cancer is treated seriously.

Sometimes when I read threads, I'm reminded of Helena Bonham Carter Orf with 'is 'ead!