Am I in the wrong

Lollipoplove

Thank you so very very much. to the caring people on here. I asked if I was in the wrong I don’t understand why people are being cruel. Bagss68 “make you think the Dom in law has a point “ a point about what??
if I don’t tell my Dsughter how I really feel how can she make a decision. I am very depressed even before the mammograms scans biopsy’s because her husband leaves me out of all family get together s. He goes out of his way to hurt me. I’m disabled im in pain every single day. I’m unable to work. I used to work I loved working I had upto 2000 employees working for me. But now friends are few I’m unable to go out & enjoy myself or meet a partner so what’s the point in carry on living when I haven’t much to live for. I hope you understand my situation somewhat more x

Do you truly only want a relationship with your daughter based on guilt and her fear of you not helping yourself stay alive?

I certainly wouldn’t.

It’s not your daughters job to be the one to keep you alive. You must do that for yourself and not put that pressure on her.

I can say I hope that you have a good outcome.

However, if anyone tried to blame me for their choosing not to have treatment, we would not have a relationship post treatment, if not before.

Please look for outside support. A psychologist could really help you.

Bagss “make you think the Dom in law has a point “ a point about what??

A point about not wanting you in on the family gatherings you say you are left out of. Perhaps he has witnessed undesirable comments (like not wanting to go on with chemo) you have said to your daughter, or perhaps she has told him.

He could easily find that kind of talk "beyond the pale" and want to protect his wife from it.

You ask "Am I in the Wrong?" and my answer to that question, based on what you have told us, is Yes.

Unfortunately you sound like my MiL. She would say things to me like - tell your DH I loved him after I have killed myself. This really used to upset me but he was so used to it he just ignored it.
You must never blackmail your children.
Remember laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
People want to be surrounded by happy people not those who sit in the corner being miserable.

"if I don’t tell my Daughter how I really feel how can she make a decision"

Your daughter shouldn't be having to make any decision about your medical treatment.

Please take some of the advice here about getting counselling, whether your diagnosis is serious or not.

Baggs
My Sil has always been a bully. Lots of people don’t like him.
It isn’t because of anything iv said about my cancer.
I’m disabled in pain every single day. And being left out of every Christmas Birthdays Grandchildren birthdays etc. I have no other family apart from them. I would need support iv been told this by experts. It’s not fair to put that on my Daughter without her permission. And I don’t think my sil would allow her to give me the support I would need. Hence asking her

OP

Is there a chance that the support you need from them is more than what they can offer?

Same with the relationship, they cannot offer what you are asking for?

Plenty of times it is not what we are asking for, but how we ask for it and our reaction to the reply.

I would start building another support net

Lollipoplove

Baggs
My Sil has always been a bully. Lots of people don’t like him.
It isn’t because of anything iv said about my cancer.
I’m disabled in pain every single day. And being left out of every Christmas Birthdays Grandchildren birthdays etc. I have no other family apart from them. I would need support iv been told this by experts. It’s not fair to put that on my Daughter without her permission. And I don’t think my sil would allow her to give me the support I would need. Hence asking her

Although you have been told that you will need support, does that actually have to come from your daughter?

Yes, it might be assumed by doctors, if you have said that you have a daughter, that she be the one to do it, but I would have thought that there are many people needing treatment like yours who don't have any family either willing or able to do such a thing, so won't there be alternative forms of support available for people in that situation?

I am fortunate enough not to have faced such a situation (yet), so can't advise you, but I imagine that there will be some other Gransnetters who have undergone similar treatments without any family support, and they might be able to advise you on other possible forms of help.

Luca

I’m not sure why you have brought up a past problem. I apologise if I’m just being stupid

Baggs

I will probably have to find & pay for other support.
But I really don’t want a stranger washing me. And a stranger cannot comfort you like your own flesh & blood
As I said before I’m disabled so I’m on benefits I used to have a very good job had upto 2000 employees who worked for me

I think iv phrased the question about my Dsughter wrong. I just wanted to know if she could help me.
I nursed both my parents through cancer. I thought that’s what you do. Your parents look after you so you look after them if need be.
I have done so much for my Dsughter & sil I gave him a roof to live under I supported him for over a year. I got them out of debt a couple of times I thought my Daughter would want to help me

Lollipoplove

Your last comment has made it a bit easier to see where you are coming from.

The thing is that no matter how you say to her "if I don't get xyz from you, I will not get treatment" it will not go well for her or you at all.

You still need to simply tell your daughter and ask if she will be able to support you at all during the treatment. Then you need to accept what is offered freely.

Other than that please reach out to a cancer charity who will be able to offer additional support to you

Lollipoplove

Luca

I’m not sure why you have brought up a past problem. I apologise if I’m just being stupid

I didn’t !! Hithere did. She posted a link and I said I could not open it.

Hithere

May I ask why you have put back ground up. I’m really confused?

Background information adds information we did not have in this thread and helps to see the big picture

Lollipoplove

Baggs

I will probably have to find & pay for other support.
But I really don’t want a stranger washing me. And a stranger cannot comfort you like your own flesh & blood
As I said before I’m disabled so I’m on benefits I used to have a very good job had upto 2000 employees who worked for me

I think iv phrased the question about my Dsughter wrong. I just wanted to know if she could help me.
I nursed both my parents through cancer. I thought that’s what you do. Your parents look after you so you look after them if need be.
I have done so much for my Dsughter & sil I gave him a roof to live under I supported him for over a year. I got them out of debt a couple of times I thought my Daughter would want to help me

Even if everything was perfect in your relationship with your daughter, some people are not cut out to be carers.

What would you do then?

I’d much rather a professional carer bathe me personally, but that’s just my opinion.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Oh I do agree. I was just talking about this. If I’m become incapable of looking after myself I don’t want anyone doing personal care who isn’t paid to do it,
A friend who has been married happily for over 30 years said she never want her husband to have to wipe her bum. Sorry.

My post in response to Summerlove.

Baggs

Well I wouldn’t. And maybe one day yourll be in pain everyday & need strangers to wash you

Bibberty

You obviously haven’t read my post. I do have a diagnosis!!!!!

I don’t expect my Daughter to care for me I care for myself. I just wanted her to wash me when needed as I hate my body iv lost so much weight my skin is hanging off me

I’m in pain all day everyday. I have morphine everyday. And I can’t take anymore pain

People like you are pushing me over the edge to the point I don’t want to go on

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I’ve come back on this thread, because I think Lollipoplove is going through enough, without having posters jumping down her throat. She is understandably very sensitive at the moment.
Lollipoplove, the only point I would like to make is that, we cannot expect our children to care for us. I can assure you, my daughter will not offer to be my carer, should I be faced with a life threatening illness or any other disability ….. neither will my sons or daughters-in- law. If you can’t afford to pay for care, I’m sure Social Services and Macmillan Nurses will point you in the right direction.
Look after yourself. I wish you all the best x

It's not fair to ask your daughter to bathe you and be your carer.
Some people aren't cut out for it especially when working and having children.

You need proper carers for that, speak to your doctor and they will get someone out to assess you and your needs.

You seriously need help. You're dealing with a lot and your answer seems to be for your daughter to sort it all, that's not fair at all.

Lollipoplove

Bibberty

You obviously haven’t read my post. I do have a diagnosis!!!!!

I don’t expect my Daughter to care for me I care for myself. I just wanted her to wash me when needed as I hate my body iv lost so much weight my skin is hanging off me

I’m in pain all day everyday. I have morphine everyday. And I can’t take anymore pain

People like you are pushing me over the edge to the point I don’t want to go on

You mention a mammogram but no diagnosis.

That is care! And a ridiculous demand and burden to put upon her.

I am not responsible for your health or actions. You are.
I have read your whole post. I understand you have health conditions. But you need to understand that that is not your daughters burden.

I'd never want or expect my children to do personal care. Why would anyone? I think it's the job of a paid carer, should it be necessary. They've seen it all before.

Still, I do understand the reluctance to have further treatment, if life is unbearable and there's pain every day. Nobody should have to live that way, so do see your GP again Lollipoplove.