My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

Sorry you are still so bitter and resentful about your ex husband's wife Mariemal55 you will continue to be unhappy and make your family unhappy unless you can let go of this. Life is too short believe me.

You are angry at the wrong person, your husband made vows to you, not his now-wife. He chose to have an affair with her and to marry her.

You are denying your daughter and her family a proper relationship with her father and his wife as she will know how bitter you are about it.

You are hurting yourself with this hatred, they are happily married and living life. It is time to move on you are wasting your life, you cannot go back to how it was. Have you tried professional help?

While we can all sympathise, it really is only you who can deal with how you feel about this. The facts are that your husband broke his marriage vows, and then, to his credit, he stayed with, and eventually married his mistress, he is not a man who has had multiple shallow affairs, causing distress and heartache wherever he goes. Please don't make it difficult for your DD, she may want her Father to be involved with his grandchild. Only you can deal with this, and being 200km away makes in unlikely you will bump into your ex in Waitrose. Enjoy your grandchild, and your relationship with your daughter, you have had her to yourself for the past 11 years, perhaps it is not unreasonable to have to occasionally accept that she will spend time with her Father.

marriemal55 I am afraid you are living in a fantasy world where wicked women steal away the husbands of other innocent goodwives and then flaunt them in public. Does your ex-husband twirl his moustache while his wife flaunts her fishnets under a full red skirt?

The truth is actually quite banal. Men and women are unfaithful in their relationships for all kinds of reasons. some justified, some not, many of these affairs lead to divorce and in many cases the adulterous couples marry and build new families. of course the person left alone and deserted is going to be deeply upset, but they need gradually to get going again and get on with life.

What is happening to you is what is and has happened to millions of couples and when second marriages take place and grandchildren are born to the children of the first marriage, second wives and second husbands are accepted as supernumary grandparents.

I assume you have not remarried, but if you had wouldn't you want your second husband to be accpeted by your children and grand children.

You need to accept that your divorce happened over 10 years ago. It was not the great domestic tragedy of the century, it was an ordinary marriage breakup. Deeply upsetting and troubling for you, but just as with other of life's tragedy, the death of someone close to you, or becoming estranged from your children, you learn to cope with the sadness and grief.

Your ex-husband are this child's grandfather. He loves them as much as you do and you just have to accept that his wife will be your DGC's step-grandmother.

You feel what you feel. It’s hard (impossible?) to change our feelings, although we can allow them to be changed by time.

But I’m afraid you’re going to have to fake it. If you allow this bitterness and negativity to show, then you will be the person who sees less f your daughter and grandchildren.

The truth is people want to spend time with happy people.

Why did you think moving away would solve anything? You’d just see less of them.

I hope it wasn’t a kind of threat If you see your stepmother you won’t see me.…..

Rather insensitive, Monica.
It was not the great domestic tragedy of the century, it was an ordinary marriage breakup.
No such thing as an ordinary marriage break-up to the person concerned, and it was a tragedy for her. With a death, one can usually turn to the loved one for support, but not in the case of a divorce; the loved one is seeking consolation elsewhere, doubly painful. So much is changed: loss of security, status, friends, companionship, home, at the same time as additional responsibilities and worry. Deserted wives do cope because they have no alternative, but there is not nearly so much support for them as there is for the bereaved.
And some husbands do flaunt their new wives, or they flaunt themselves; I've seen it at weddings, christenings, school events and family affairs.
Mariemal's problem is that she is blaming the other woman for the marriage breakdown when it is her husband who is to blame, and she is only damaging herself with this bitterness.
But a little more sympathy from what Bridget Jones so aptly named the 'smug marrieds' wouldn't go amiss.

At 220 kms I doubt they will be around day to day but yes certainly they will be visiting a bit more I should think. Everything to do with your DD and GC is up to them don't go there and don't ask about when the ex is visiting. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of wasting your precious time on him.
As others have said if at sometime in the future you find yourself face to face you should smile say a few words and leave it at that.

I had the impression that it was the prospect of your 2nd wife wanting your grandchildren to call her Granny that was the last straw. I would expect your daughter to understand that. And just as you need to accept that she is now your former husband’s wife she needs to accept that she is not the grandmother of his g’children. Some affectionate nickname based on her first name should fit the bill and not cause comment from others.

11 years is such a long time to hold such bitterness which in the long run only harms you I agree with sodapop you have to find a way of letting it go No one would expect you to be friends although it has been known…. but you seem to only blame her (the home wrecker) but it’s your husband that betrayed you … and yes I have been betrayed too so I know what I m talking about
You’re husband has been with her 11 years plus so she wasn’t just a passing fancy that he betrayed you with for a passionate fling perhaps they are more suited that you were
It’s very very difficult and I do feel for you but your bitterness will hurt you more than them so learn to be the bigger person for your sake and your daughters

I think people underestimate how difficult some divorces can be. The OP has said he walked out and had hardly anything to with their daughter, that is hurtful in so many ways and difficult to let go of. I do agree though OP that you need to have strategies to deal with this. Go and talk to your GP, they may be able to offer you some counselling through the wellbeing service. You don't need to like your ex husband or his wife and hopefully you wont even have to see them too much.

My grandchildren have about five supernumerary grandparents, as some one called them, thanks to various remarriages, and three true grandparents, and I am the only one who sees them frequently. The non- blood relatives are called by their first names, and whilst my GCs get on well with them all, they have only one Granny.
I long ago learnt to accept what had happened. My adult children find their father’s wife incredibly rude and outspoken but they accept her as his wife. It is perfectly possible to move on. I am sure your family will work things out for themselves, so you are the one who is letting this spoil your life. Let go!

easybee did you read the words that immediately followed your quote from my post they were^Deeply upsetting and troubling for you,^

We do not know who caused the breakdown of the marriage, it could have been the OP's behaviour that drove her husband out of the house and into the arms of another women.

Very good post from MOnica
And before anyone says I don’t understand/ haven’t experienced it I discovered my ex husband’s mistress, who happened to be one of our employees hiding in my house.

I think you could do with some professional support to enable you to get on with your life in a dignified way. It’s neither normal nor healthy to have harboured this hatred for so long and perhaps might be an indication of why your ex-husband felt the need to look elsewhere.

Is t she your ex-husband’s wife or have I missed something?

Oh my dear... life is so very short.
You are letting what happened a long long time ago steal your life.
Your husband betrayed you, broke your heart, broke your family.
I understand that, for reasons I will not go into on this forum.
If you feel you want or need "revenge", let that be you having a happy fulfilled life...for the rest of your life.
But to do that.. you have to let this go.. what has happened has happened.. so be it... move on. Nothing, NOTHING, you can possibly do will change what happened.
Do not let this anger and bitterness skew your outlook.. poison all the relationships that really DO matter to you.

You have good things in your life and your future... let them take precendence... prioritise the positive.. riches many folk do not and will never have.
Take care.

Fleur that is a very kind post.

Toot la meme chose

Mariemal55

Yes and I will afford her marriage the same respect she afforded mine.

Oh dear. You do sound bitter. Why have you not moved on and made a life of your own without him? It sounds as though you feel unable to behave in a pleasant manner when he is there with his wife, which is unfair to DD and her family. Time to let go of the past and rcognise the relationship DD has with your ex is none of your business.

1. She is his wife, not "wife"
2. She is not a homewrecker, your husband is
3. Your dd will decide if she is grandma or not. Nothing you can do if your dd decides something you do not like
4. Concentrate on the relationship with your dd.
Your hatred for your ex-husband new wife is very apparent, don't let it ruin everything else around you

OP, I get you and understand what you mean, how you feel. However, the current course of action you’re proposing will only hurt you and your relationship with your daughter and GC.

Perhaps be ho eat with your daughter that you very much don’t want to have anything to do with your EXH and his new wife, do t want to know about them. Nothing.

If you have no reason to talk with your EXH, then don’t say anything. Don’t have anything to do with him.

Wow! ?. You said your grandchild mean the world to you. That's the key ingredient, your grandchildren. If you have a healthy relationship with your grandchildren's parents you are half way in the game. The other half is how your grandchildren see you. I get it. It's frustrating. It's painful seeing someone living the life that was supposed to be yours for life. It did not happen. She is his wife now but YOU ARE your grandchildrens birth grandmother and are welcomed into their life. Enjoy the privilege and show your genuine love for them by not letting your emotions over something you can not control end up coming between you and your grandchildren yourself. Trust me, they will see who is the genuine gramma and they will gravitate to you. But, if you let your emotions and past hurts get in the way you could create your own issues with them.

I know a little how narcissistic people behave. My son's ex is one. She gave birth to my granddaughter. She tries to guilt me into doing extra care for my grandchild by saying she will ask her own narcissistic mother. I just say "okay" now. Because I have been down that road of resentment and jealousy for fear my grandchild would not spend enough time with me and enjoy me. That never happened. The other gram only offers to try take my granddaughter to make me jealous or her look grand. My grandaughter adores me and prefers me. I know this and am never jealous when she goes there. Frankly it nice to have another grandparent as an extra for my own personal call-out times. My granddaughters mom gets the break she wants if I am gone for a while and I don't feel guilty. Lately I wish the other gram helped more because I am tired from my little ones terrible threes year old antics and we often have her for a few days straight.
So be careful what you wish for in the future. You can't change the past but you can make the present and future brighter for your grandkids and you and their parents.

Fleur, what a lovely, kind empathetic post. So much good advice written there. I hope it helps you Mariemal.

Your title says it all maria she is not your ex husbands mistress, she is your ex husbands wife It didn’t work out for you and to preserve your life you have to move on I do have a lot of empathy for you but you are ruining your own life and is he worth it He was obviously not right for you, or your marriage had had it’s time, not all marriages last for ever He obviously wasn’t the man you thought he was but you have hung onto the idea that she stole him for 11 long years No one can steal a person who doesn’t want to be stolen it was a mutual act and they are still together 11 years on
It’s heartbreaking if you have invested so much more than him but move on you are only making yourself unhappy and expecting other family members around you to choose between you
Please consider some counselling you are totally stuck

What does your daughter want?
You don't really get any say at all in who is a grandparent to her child.