My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

I just came across this discussion on marrying the mistress because I am in the same boat.
I think it is safe to assume you have laid blame on the ex as much as the mistress. But let's be honest, society puts this pressure on you to keep quiet and smile for the sake of everyone around you so that you are a good little soldier and you don't look bad. So, who gets to manipulate the truth of the divorce? ....bingo, the cheater!
The appropriate language to use is he is the cheater and she is and will always be the mistress wife. I have no doubt you would love to move on. Who doesn't? This isn't some random woman he is remarrying. This is the woman for whom he walked out on his family and is now making his wife. There is a big difference. I think it is unreasonable to expect you should be the one that should just move on and grin and act like nothing happened when you have had to completely rebuild your life and now he is imposing her in your future family interactions. Every special occasion with your children's special life's events such as weddings, grandkids and etc will be tainted because the mistress wife will be present. There will always be a division between the grandparents and thus stress with the kids on maneuvering keeping them apart. Where is the accountability for the EX? Why should he be allowed to bring her around without exception knowing it causes stress and pain and expect you to be the one to smile and welcome her in the fold? It is one thing to be amicable with the ex for the sake of the kids. But, it is another when the mistress is in the picture. Completely unreasonable. Where does he have to sacrifice in this scenario? It just continually scrapes the wound when the mistress wife is around.
I can't stand it when people say, "if the man wasn't happy in the marriage, he would not have gone looking". Most marriages have their up and downs. I would argue most people in the relationship understand their role in the breakdown of the marriage. But, it is usually the cheater who walks out on their family for their mistress without one moment of effort or the backbone or character to fight for their family because they just weren't "happy". They have no regard for the unhappiness they have now imposed on so many people. Selfish!!
I agree bitterness and anger destroys the soul. It is a horrible place to live. But having the mistress and the cheater ex in the family future events doesn't exactly make it ideal to move on.

Dear Plainspoken - thank you for being someone who makes me realise I am not alone in this. You so closely echoed my sentiments.

Dear Growstuff - you have no part in the break-up and are an innocent party. I have no idea why your partner's ex-wife would exhibit such animosity towards you. If my husband had not remarried the three times previously married, homewrecker, I would have no problem at all. I do not wish to be in the same space as a woman who for two years slept in my bed when I was away for work, sent my husband semi-nude pictures of herself, wrote emails encouraging him to leave me and described how she saw their life together. Other people have commented that I have no right to call her a tramp - well I think her bahaviour indicates otherwise. Now she thinks she is the grandmother of my grandchildren.

Mariemal55, Like it or not, what happened to you has happened to many women - and men. Marriages break up for all kinds of reasons and those in the marriage move on.

Your husband has remarried and has a wife, not a 'wife'. It may be difficult, but you need to accept that and, to use that horrible phrase 'move on'. What are you gaining by storing up and nurturing this hate and animosity towards your ex-husband and his wife?

And, perhaps think about what you may lose. It could cause an alienation and distancing from your daughter and affect your grand childs attitude to you. Children can sense anger and hate in a person, even if it isn't directed at them, and you could end with a grandchild, or perhaps grandchildren, who shy away from you and do not want to be with you.

My paternal grandmother did not like my mother - I did not know this until I was an adult, but, as a child, I never enjoyed visiting her and avoided doing so if I could. I sensed the animosity because, at that time, it was not directed at me.

Are you prepared to risk alienating your grandchild/ren and accept that it might be the price of nurturing all this hate in your heart, as if it was a rare orchid?

Much better to get some counselling, relax, let the hate go and accept, that you, like millions of men and women world wide, are divorced and that the family centred on your daughter and family includes, as well as you and your ex-husband, also his second wife.

You set your heart on the perfect marriage, and it went wrong, no one gets through life without having their dreams shattered at some point. Get over it.

This thread has dragged on for 8 months. Mariemal, please enjoy your life as a single woman. Be yourself, live your own life. You have a second opportunity. Don't waste your life holding a grudge. I'm speaking from experience which I don't intend to go into.

I can empathise with you , Mariemal55, the same thing happened to me over 20 years ago. My first husband had an affair with a much younger woman , someone we both knew. Our twin daughters were 8 at the time and she had 2 young daughters from a previous relationship. I never said anything negative to our daughters about either of them, in fact, I did the opposite, encouraging them on family holidays and staying over at their house. I enjoyed my freedom and met a wonderful man , we're now happily married, just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. What happened to my ex you say ' his younger woman left him some years ago ' she went off with a much younger man. Our daughters made their own minds up about them and stopped visiting or holidaying with them in their teens.

I am getting the feeling that the OP is only interested in people with her experience and who have reacted like her.

In fact I feel that GN is being used by her to feed the flames of her animosity and meet people like her. I am not sure this is a good thing.

She is his wife and is a grannie. Time to move on.

Norah

She is his wife and is a grannie. Time to move on.

This entirely . Would you rather risk alienating your ac and grandchildren? Over what? It’s been 11 years. Time to put your big girl knickers on and act like the capable adult woman you are. You don’t have to beat friends with this woman b reality is she’s married to your grands grandpa - she’s one of their grandmothers and acting out will only serve to make you the grandma everyone avoids. Perhaps a little therapy may give you a better perspective

she could not have got into your house to sleep in your bed unless your ex let her in.
so why is all the animosity directed at her.
it'll do you no good.

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Mariemal55

You are making it harder for your daughter if you carry on.

Forcing her to choose when it comes to her deciding when and who sees her kid(s).

It could stop you having a lovely relationship with your grandchildren.

Its not "you versus her"

Talk to her.

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Reported

Have you talked about this with your daughter? If she didn’t want this woman at her wedding, I doubt she will allow her access to the children and may insist her dad visits alone. Talk to your daughter before putting yourself through unnecessary anxiety.

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Reported.

I think you need therapy to learn to get past this. As much as you call her a home wrecker and a narcissist, it was your husband who betrayed your marriage and who had vowed to stay loyal to you - she didn't owe you anything prior to your marriage breakdown. I'm not saying it's right what has happened but you need to shift your focus that HE caused this and not her - he's a grown adult with his own mind, capable of making his own decisions.
Your marriage ended 11 years ago and he was seeing her for 2 years before that - 13 years is a LONG time to struggle through feeling the way you do. I genuinely think therapy would be a HUGE help to you (but you have to find the right therapist for you, a bit like finding the right hairdresser - some will do an amazing job and some will be average) but you need to be open and honest and prepare to be challenged. If they have now been together so long, even if you moved to Mars, she's not going anywhere. Avoidance of the issue never works, you need to tackle it head on with the help of a professional to help you refocus and navigate the situation. Good luck.

This thread was started two years ago , though I notice this is the second time you’ve posted after it’s been revived by a troll Mamasperspective.