My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

I think being cheated on is so incredibly painful and that pain can linger for a long time.

However, the anger you hold towards this woman will damage you and damage the relationship your daughter and grandchildren have with your ex husband.

It's never right to cheat in a marriage, especially for a long time like that but it is not that some evil thing comes and takes them away, it is his unhappiness or insecurity that drove him to cheat.

He was not a good husband to you and awful as it is to accept that doesn't mean he isn't to someone else. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that the two of you weren't right for each other..

It's not too late to get some counselling and find a way to let these feelings go so that you can move on and find happiness in your own life

11 years is a long time to let such poison eat away at you.
Your ex husband behaved badly, but if you continue to let this bitterness rule your relationships it risks damaging the ones you really love. Your daughter and grandchildren.
Your daughter has the right to have a relationship with him without feeling guilty that she’s hurting you. I feel for her. My Grandma was bitter like this towards my Grandad and Mum suffered her whole life as a result. Hate and anger really are poisonous. It certainly coloured how we as her Grandchildren thought of her, someone who hurt and ruled our Mum.
I think the idea of counselling is a good one because you need to find closure otherwise you could end up very lonely.

She’s not his mistress, she’s his wife.

When my ex left me, I didn't regard the other woman as having stolen him. He it was who broke up our marriage. This was over 30 years ago and they are still together about 6000 miles away. My sons, who are now older and far more mature than their father was when he left, haven't seen them for many years though he has managed to master the technology to Skype them occasionally. I got on with my life after he left and became 'my own woman' again. He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year. Please stop punishing yourself with bitter resentment. You have a life to live. If your daughter wishes to share her children with her father, so be it.

The best revenge, OP, if you want to think it like that, is to be happy.

You are doing the opposite. Please do not waste your life

Agree with Hithere

If people wish I'll feeling on you the absolute best revenge is to be happy and they hate that lol

Why is she labelled the homewrecker?
Was your ex husband entirely blameless?

Never understand this way of thinking

I think sometimes it is very hard to acknowledge tht you made a mistake and the man you loved was a complete shit. Much easier to blame the other woman.

He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year.

You sound rather pleased about that outcome. Like you think it's the ultimate punishment for his former actions.
I find that sad and kind of bitter.
There may be some satisfaction in the knowledge that a wayward spouse will never get to see their grandchildren, all because of something they did x amount of years ago.
But ultimately its the chldren who miss out in the long run.
They are missing out on having extra people in their lives. Extra people who have the potential to love them.

"He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year."

Assuming he values the joy of gc and gc

Ggc

She is his wife not 'wife' and she is a Gradmum married to a Grandfather. He broke the marriage, usually there are reasons to the break apart the mistress. Best to forget you XH and his wife, be content with your life.

I understand totally with your anguish over all this for the simple reason I have been there with my first husband, in my case it was this woman taking on the title of Mum No 2.

I am not going to go into detail with it all but i just wanted to say i FULLY understand, i wore the shoes you are now wearing ( as uncomfortable as they are !!!)
X

She might have gained a foothold with your then husband but to then move on to your GC ! Whoaaaaaa no it aint happening.

but it is entirely up to the baby's parents who/if they meet and spend time with.
no one else gets to decide, including GPs.

Yes it is welbeck, but nothing can stop the sheer anguish that, in this case, Mariemal55 is feeling, its a horrible feeling.

If nothing can stop that horrible feeling, OP is self condemning herself to be bitter instead of enjoying life.

Infidelity is a horrible thing, it doesnt mean a person is stuck in that cycle and unable to move on for decades

Mariema, I am in a similar position, and was quite angry and bitter. Time has mellowed me. The family do see him and his “wife” together. We attended the children’s weddings - ( I am single, my choice), but I was given a seat at the “top” table, while they sat at the relatives’ table.
The only gripe I have is that the little grandkids call her “Nanny” - but my daughter’s children have always called her by her first name.
Life’s too short - enjoy what you have !

i wonder what prince williams children call camilla ?
? granny camel ?

I think a lot of people on here are offering advice but have no idea what it’s like being in a marriage where your husband is having an affair. Believe me it cuts right through to your heart and it’s a wound that never heals. Thankfully my husband is now in a relationship with someone else so I don’t have to deal with the woman that accused me of being a bad wife who then, when she had my husband, cheated on him with someone else. My husband gave no thought to our children when he was having the affair: as he said ‘it’s nothing to do with the children’ so I had to do my best to protect them. It is truly awful. Even if you ‘move on from it’ the hurt never goes away. And I will never forgive someone that caused my children pain.

So, you can either keep stoking the flames of the hurt, or resign yourself to the fact and get on with it.
To put it starkly, those are the options.

You don’t stoke the flames of the hurt. But neither can you put the flames out. I don’t know how anyone can have an affair with a married man that has children. I wouldn’t do it myself.

I don't know how married men can have affairs.
They are the ones coming home to their wives and children.
They are the ones who have promised to forsake all others.
It happens though...
We all carry around unbearably painful hurts, but we have to learn how to pack them in a box, so we can carry on with some sort of life.

Carrying such a heavy burden is bound to damage us more in the long run.

Yes. But we don’t have to put on a brave face and face those hurts. You can compartmentalise things and get on with your life. Having her ex’s partner moving back into her life will reopen old wounds. If I came face to face with the woman my husband left me for I don’t know how I would feel. At the time I used to shake uncontrollably for hours afterwards. Not helped by the fact that she moved to a house just a few yards from our family home. And I still had to try to hide it from our children.

Mariemal had 11 years when her husband left her for another woman and although devastated, she didn't have the pain of having to see them together. Now they are returning to the vicinity and the husband has asked his ex-wife to respect his marriage, (does he mean accept?) and apparently indicated they intend to be hands-on grandparents.
That is opening up the wound all over again. She clearly does care and although her bitterness is destroying her and has to be confronted, it is deeply unfair. Yet one more thing to have to accept, and 'get on with it',
Mariemal has to accept the marriage, but equally the second wife has to accept she is not and never will be, grandma.
I do hope the daughter is sensitive to this situation.

snowberryZ

^He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year.^

You sound rather pleased about that outcome. Like you think it's the ultimate punishment for his former actions.
I find that sad and kind of bitter.
There may be some satisfaction in the knowledge that a wayward spouse will never get to see their grandchildren, all because of something they did x amount of years ago.
But ultimately its the chldren who miss out in the long run.
They are missing out on having extra people in their lives. Extra people who have the potential to love them.

It sounds like he was completely absent, so it is a fact that he forfeited the joy of his grandchildren and great grandchildren, that was a choice he made. My children haven't missed out on a Grandfather as my Stepdad took my biological Father's place (and he has been bloody good at it ) Not everyone situations are the same.