My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

Women commit adultery too. They make the same commitments duringthe marriage ceremony as their husband's do.

Yes, but they weren't married to the op.

A few people have used the phrase 'move on' but I think it's more helpful to say 'process this'. You quite rightly experienced a trauma through this man being unfaithful and deceitful....for two years! That's awful. He is awful.
I think maybe you are carrying a burden of shame over what happened and you are trying to deflect that deep sense of unrecognised shame by objectifying the other woman as the homewrecker. But actually, perhaps your shadow side believes you are the homewrecker, for making him leave. That's a very hard place to be in and that must really hurt. No wonder you're angry. I would be too.
They say that 'criticism is actually an unmet need' and anger is a sign of a boundary crossed. What needs do YOU have that have not been met? What boundary within your code of honour was crossed?
Give yourself the right to process all of this with a really good counsellor. Thousands of people have been in your situation. It can manifest as an identity crisis, complex PTSD, abandonment anger, a whole range of feelings and ALL OF THEM are valid and real.
Anger is actually love, it's anger at what's been lost. The opposite of love is indifference, the feeling of no longer caring. That's the place you need to reach and you deserve to reach it. You are a remarkable person just as you are. Don't let a sense of shame cloud you or harm you.
You absolutely deserve peace.
From my heart, I wish you the very best of luck should you be a brave lady who goes on that journey back to YOU and all the good things you know you are.

Peacelily321

A few people have used the phrase 'move on' but I think it's more helpful to say 'process this'. You quite rightly experienced a trauma through this man being unfaithful and deceitful....for two years! That's awful. He is awful.
I think maybe you are carrying a burden of shame over what happened and you are trying to deflect that deep sense of unrecognised shame by objectifying the other woman as the homewrecker. But actually, perhaps your shadow side believes you are the homewrecker, for making him leave. That's a very hard place to be in and that must really hurt. No wonder you're angry. I would be too.
They say that 'criticism is actually an unmet need' and anger is a sign of a boundary crossed. What needs do YOU have that have not been met? What boundary within your code of honour was crossed?
Give yourself the right to process all of this with a really good counsellor. Thousands of people have been in your situation. It can manifest as an identity crisis, complex PTSD, abandonment anger, a whole range of feelings and ALL OF THEM are valid and real.
Anger is actually love, it's anger at what's been lost. The opposite of love is indifference, the feeling of no longer caring. That's the place you need to reach and you deserve to reach it. You are a remarkable person just as you are. Don't let a sense of shame cloud you or harm you.
You absolutely deserve peace.
From my heart, I wish you the very best of luck should you be a brave lady who goes on that journey back to YOU and all the good things you know you are.

Hang on a minute. You’re saying it’s this woman’s fault that her husband left her for someone else and what she’s suffering from is guilt? Have I got this right? Have you gone through a painful divorce yourself? Do you realise how insensitive your comments are?

Did you ask for a divorce or did he?
Did you ask/tell your daughter not to allow her to be at the wedding?
Does your daughter have any sort of relationship with her?
In all fairness, it's up to your daughter & her partner if your ex-husbands present wife has anything to do with their child, and what she may be called by the child!!
It sounds like YOU are putting your daughter and family in a difficult position, and that could backfire on you!!!

This is a tough one...My soon to be x also had an affair for over 2 years 6 years on?(total 8) is still with her...somehow I have managed to let it go ...accepting that our marriage wasnt happy and that there were issues on both sides.I feel that My X isnt completely bad so I'm sure there must be some good in his current partner .. being able to accept that has taken the sting out of it for Me...
I have now started looking after My Grandchild once a week which involves her spending time with My Partner but we call him by his name not Grandad

There are so many mixed up families these days and the world abounds with step parents, step grandparents, step children, etc. A little bit of tolerance is needed. You can still be a loving grandmother to your grandchildren and they will know who their real grandmother is as they grow older. For your own sake, let go of this bitterness. Life's too short.

I have been in a similar situation, except when my daughter got married everyone, new wife as well, all came to the wedding and we had a lovely day. My daughter choose to have my 2nd husband give her away but the ex was fine about it and understood. Don’t hold on to resentment it will eat away at you and as it’s been 11 years it is time to let go. I look back at my first marriage and know the reason why he went with another woman, I was just independent for him.. maybe you could just forgive and get on with life, your daughter will always be close to you after all you are mum and you will be number 1 granny.

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Reported

Reported

If they are that keen for her to be called Granny, could she be called Granny Jane?

Lots of children have 2 Grannies, Nana's, Grandma's - sometimes both called same thing, sometimes not.

I don't think a name matters as much as a relationship - and obviously children can have good grandparent relationships with more than 1 person.

If your daughter has contact with her father then his wife will have contact with the children - and surely that is better for the children if it is a positive relationship.
Obviously they can still have a positive relationship with you too. It isn't a competition.

I agree with other posters who suggested counselling - if you are having difficulty coping with this.
You can't change the reality of them being together or expect them not to have contact with your daughter or her children.
You can only learn to move forward - sounds like you are still stuck in the hurt and anger from a decade ago.
If you can't move forward on your own, seek professional help to do so - for your own happiness and your own family relationships.

Indeed you sound very bitter MarieMal is it because the ex and his demon woman are moving closer? Suddenly it's flared up again.
I haven't the same experience but a df does and she became very angry when her DD, having been abandoned by her dad as a small child, wanted to make friends with him now that she has grown and has children.
In their case, ex lives a long way off and she, my df sees her DGC everyday and they love her.
Make the best of what you have is my advice. You can never make someone suffer as you have. No one can feel your pain or your happiness.

I think the OP is long gone as this thread dates back to February. The poster was not impressed with advice given then.

Oh I didn't notice sodapop
I must say it gives an insight into how some people feel even after 11 years
I once had an encounter with a stranger on a train who was so full of bitterness and resentment over her ex. I made up my mind never to be like that!

Trying hard but sadly he pushes for her to be part of everything.

Not long gone just chose not to respond.
Councelling is the general advice. Been there, done that and until the latest events, I believed it had been successful.
Watching some 3x previously married (all divorces) tramp living life exactly as my husband and I had planned it, was one thing. Having her publicly, as in a national newspaper article, claim to be a grandmother (she has no children of her own) just tipped me over the edge again.
If my ex had married someone not in volved in the cause of our breakup, I could happily follow some of the advice given.
You are right, I didn't like a lot of the advice offered as it obviously came from people who had not experienced the situation themselves and were offering cliched advice.
My situation remains ongoing. My daughter has agreed to tell her father she wants nothing to do with his new "wife". Time will tell how that will work out.
Thank you to all for your responses.

I would suggest more counselling. The new wife was not the sole cause of your divorce, and you need to be able to understand that and move forward. by hanging onto anger you are causing a rift between your daughter and yourself. It sounds like you are forcing your daughter to refuse to see her father's wife, making her choose between her father and yourself. That's not fair and ultimately will reflect most badly on you. Sorry that sounds harsh, but hanging onto anger is not healthy.

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I do sympathise, Mariamal; I,ve been through it myself and I remember Esther Rantzen publicly laying claim to Desmond Wilcox's children; one of them spoke later about how much she detested it.
But your understandable bitterness is tearing you apart. It is bad that your husband has returned and appears to be intruding in your life with his current wife. You have to disassociate yourself as much as possible from what they are doing, but don't try to make your daughter'agree not to have anything to do with the wife; it will very likely rebound on you. Leave her to make her own decisions and she will judge for herself; divorced children generally do as they remember the one who was there for them when it mattered.

Surely, isn't it your daughters decision on the level of contact the other woman has with the children?

Sorry, I hadn't read your latest comment MarieMa. But I'm puzzled as to why your daughter has agreed to tell her father that she wants nothing to do with his new wife. Why are you calling all the tunes?

Mariemal55 Some of us do understand the distress caused by unfaithful spouses who then seem to go on to live happily ever after with someone else. But what you have to remember is this man is your daughter's father and she needs to have a relationship with him that does not involve you or your emotions. That she has to view his wife as simply someone he has married and build a relationship based on how she feels about her and if she likes or dislikes her, not on your feelings. In the long run her father is going to die, when he does so she will look at his involvement in her life and question everything. If she sees you as having soured that relationship she may be upset with you and you may suffer. Step back now for your own sake.
And I do know what I am talking about. You may swear you will dance on your ex-husband's grave but when it actually happens you need to have a clear conscience and know that he behaved badly but you never did.