Unequal gift

One if my sons was given a large deposit but the will was rewritten so that will be taken into account later.

I think its often quite difficult to treat all children the same money wise. My daughter got married 5 years ago and had a very expensive wedding we gave her a very large sum of money towards it. My son had just come off working on the cruise ships for a number of years, was living at home and had a low income. He didn’t say anything about the money for the wedding and was grateful for our support me back to cooking, washing, ironing for him. Last year he was in a much better financial position but hadn’t managed to save enough for a deposit to buy a property. We gave him a similar sum of money as the wedding towards a deposit. My daughter hasn’t stopped saying that if he gets married she hopes we don’t give him anything. ?‍♀️ We just feel we like to help our children as much as possible but it can’t always be at the same time.

Equal treatment for me. My sister and I were both put out when we had saved hard for our own homes and young brother got a lot of help for his first home. Parents were misguided though as he divorced 6 years later and she took him for half the value of the house.

Please do not feel down by this. If your parents are anything like us we have helped our three as and when. It has never been at the same time either. We just help when needed by whoever. It is what parents do. I am 100% sure your parents would jump in to help you if needed.

Thank you MerylStreep.
Ours is a sad reason - a few untimely deaths in an already small family means that there is a lot in trust for one GC.Mercifully they still have both parents and us.

I understand how you feel, Gigil. If you have bought your house with money you worked for, and your brother has spent his earnings on other things, it is very unfair to 'equalise' you in this way. My parents didn't do anything quite so blatant, but did help out my sister, who chose not to work after having her children, but didn't see me as 'needing' the money as I worked when mine were young, so didn't do the same for me.

They were right that I didn't 'need' it, but if my sister had felt that she and her family were in 'need', she could have gone to work, like I did. Buying her things that I had worked for, because she 'needed' them and I had them was hurtful, as it made a mockery of my going to work. Or so it felt, anyway.

Sibling rivalry is always tricky to unravel, but I think it was the implicit judgement of our respective life choices that hurt, and this is possibly what is hurting you, too? I still find it difficult when people see fit to decide what others 'need', as it is (beyond basic survival) a very subjective concept.

I keep my two equal, even as adults, and unless one needed to be bailed out of jail, or there were some other expensive but unplanned eventuality, I will continue to do so, and even if one is a billionaire when I die, they will get the same as the other in my will. I would hope that they would come to an arrangement with their sibling in that event, but that would be their own decision.

I'd be annoyed as well, Gigi1975

We came into some money and decided to give all 5 of ours some cash. Our son is worth more than all of us put together but we gave him the exact same as we did the others.

Can't do it any other way.

As an only child, I never had this problem myself. We try to make all our children the same but I must admit one does get more help with money and things for their children.
They all know though and we are encouraged by the better off to do so.
I would be hurt if I was told it was a 50/50 split only to find this was not true. Don't blame your brother at least he has told you

Going against the grain, I feel it is very unfair to give unequal amounts, and to lie about it is terrible.
One may not have a house but it does not mean the one that has is weathy, he/she may have worked very hard for it and may not have much cash left over.
I will give equal amounts to my children, although on the face of it one is more successful and earns alot more, her outgoings do not leave her with much over.
I just want to be fair.

Personally, I’d have to let them know I know. I’d feel the same as you. It wouldn’t be as bad if they were open about it and explained why.

One of my daughters works in banking with bonuses while another works for the NHS and the third is a teacher but as I don’t know their futures, eg lost of partner or other turn of events, they will receive the same amount. However, if they have a need now and I can help they can have a some of their inheritance earlier.

Did your parents actually say the amounts are the same? Seems like a daft lie that could almost instantly be found out. If they did, perhaps it was because they had an inkling you would react as you have done. Your brother has done a decent thing in offering to make up the difference anyway. Maybe your parents will adjust their will accordingly anyway? Money matters in families are rarely easy but how about appreciating that they’re giving you anything at all?

My almost DIL has lived off her parents for many years and they have told her that when their estate is divided between her and her brother she will get 40% and he 60% as she has had a large share already. It’s seems a pity your parents cannot explain to you. How would it be if you spoke to them (calmly!) and acknowledged what they are doing and say you understand why ……….you have a property and your brother doesn’t - it might open communication channels ………

We have FIVE children between us, we have been uneven in our financial support because our daughter went to Uni and due to a combination of her course and anxiety didn’t work through so we helped her a lot with living expenses as she only got minimal student loan. However we ALWAYS without fail spend an equal amount on birthday and Christmas and when giving money, small or not so small amounts have always treated them as equality as possible. We gave wills which split what little inheritance we might leave them equally, even though some have much better paid jobs than others

I would guess that your parents, with all good intentions have worked out the share according to what they see as need.
Your brother doesn't own his own house and you do, so why should you be upset that they choose to help him ?
If you came into some money, would you not want to help your brother out too ?
I think that you are reading too much into this, you have obviously been doing fairly well for yourself - have you been working in a job or jobs that have been better paid than your brother's have been that enabled you to be able to get a mortgage and buy your own home when your brother hasn't?
I think you should be beyond the "I want what he wants" and "It isn't fair" stage in your life quite honestly, harsh as it may seem. Just be thankful that your parents have been able to help your brother and make sure that you buy something worthwhile with your share.

My issue is that the parents lied. They need not have said anything, and just gave you the money. Also - how did your brother find out the sums were unequal? If he really wants to do the just thing he would not ask you to wait... but remember that the donation could have not been given at all... unless it had been an inheritance.

Gwyneth

I think your parents should have been honest and explained why they were giving you both different amounts. Personally I would have to treat my children exactly the same regardless of their current financial circumstances.

This is how we/I have dealt with money. To say that a child who already has a house etc should get less is almost like punishing them for their hard work, unless there are other imbalances to be remedied.

Absolutely unfair, to lie. And to give unequal amounts. However it is your parents money and they know you and your siblings best. None of us here can judge really.

If you don't need it, then ask yourself why you feel like this. When my mom died she left everything to my brother as she knew I was financially sound. No resentment.

We have had something similar happen in our family. It has caused massive fallout and upset. This is because it was done sneakily behind backs and dare I say it out of sheer spite. Unless people are prepared to be open and honest and justify why there is unequal division, whether fair or not, it is surely better to treat everyone the same.

I disagree. You can't see the future, the "needy" child may become well off in later life and the"comfortably off" one may get ill, or their partner may, for example, and/or lose their job.
I've known so many friends who came out "short-changed" in their family inheritance and they always feel it. One said to me "I worked hard, never asked for any money, helped my Mom when she was sick, and what does she do? Leaves everything to my brother and sister." Brother and sister are since dead, childless and penniless. She has two children and is separated from the father who has not been that good paying up his dues. My point is, you never know.

My DH has two brothers. The oldest is very wealthy indeed through hard work and good luck. The other 2 are much less well off. When their father died without leaving a will his estate was divided equally between the brothers. The younger ones insisted on this.

I do feel for you, and I think it's the lie, with no proper explanation of their choice that has hurt. I have given my children differing amounts of money, (and time, looking after their children) because two did not need it, as they had resources coming from their in-laws, but one did. I feel this was the right choice. As children are growing up they have differing needs, as parents we try to supply what's necessary, and it's not always the same. I've tried to be clear about my motives, but I'm sure I haven't always got it right. If anyone is unhappy/feels mistreated I would far rather they told me, and so I think (hope!) you may feel better if you ask to discuss this. Yes, of course it is 'their money', but I would say it's not so much the money as the motives behind it. You are only human, and clearly they are uneasy in some way, or they would not have lied. Good luck1

I think all children should be treated the same regardless of status , life is full of peaks and troughs . We gave our eldest son an amount of money towards his deposit and when our other two sons are going to buy property they will get exactly the same amount .
You may have scripted and scraped to buy your home without the help at the time because funds weren't there to help you , you may like to move to a bigger place in the future .
I think all children should be treated fairly .
I've just been told by a family member that i won't be left anything if they pass before me because apparently i don't need it . Another family member will get my share. Smoked , drank , didn't manage finances well and made no provision for her old age . I worked , struggled in equal measure and scripted and scraped . Never took or expected anything from anyone .
Strange how people manage to get all and how other people view things .

I think its sad your parents are not being honest but I think you are being a bit childish wanting them to give you equal amounts. It is their money to do what they want with and if that is t help their son on the property ladder then why not. You as you have said already have a house.