Unequal gift

We have loaned a large sum of money to our youngest daughter to help her and her husband buy a property in France.
They are planning to get a mortgage soon, but, time is ticking by and no sign of any progress with the banks!
If we give to one daughter we always give the same amount to the other because, that’s what we feel if fair.
I’m not really sure we can give our eldest daughter the same large sum without it impacting on our pension pots!
However, what ever you do for one you should do for the other. They will find out trust me!

Is there a reasoning behind this? Have you previously had money from them, or have they supported you financially in any way in the past? Or perhaps as someone else has said their will might be altered so you get more then.

MIL always gave DH (her DS1) and me a small gift and a cheque for £20 for birthdays and Christmas. We didn't know how much she gave her DS2.
After 15 years our DD celebrated her 18th birthday and received a cheque for £1000 from MIL. Wow thank you very much mum from all three of us. A few weeks later DH was chatting to DM and he thanked her again for the generous cheque. Her reply - I usually give that amount to DS2 for Christmas and birthdays but I ran it past him and he was happy for DGD to have it
When DH told me I was stunned I could not believe how she could do that to him!

Both men had had the same education, been to university and had good jobs. DH fixed her washing machine and car for her, hung pictures etc but DS2 did nothing. When DM was terminally ill we did everything and DS2 and his DW did nothing.

Having read lots of threads on Gransnet and Mumsnet I now understand the golden child problem

This thread has got me thinking a lot about fairness and I talked to my daughter about it last night. I explained that I would only treat her and her brother unequally if there was a good reason and I wouldn't lie to them.

Having said that, she has recently moved home due to a job change, having lived away for 11 years. She is living with me rent free so she can save towards buying her own home in the near future. We are sharing expenses so I should benefit slightly from shared bills etc so in a way I'm not giving her anything that costs me anything. Of course I'd do the same for my son if circumstances were different, so she is benefitting in a way he isn't, but he doesn't need that help.

When my mum died my brother and I decided to even up the amounts she had saved for each of our children as she'd saved an amount each month since their birth for each, but their different ages affected how much each had. We both agreed that they should have the same amounts. I only have 1 grandchild at present and am saving for him in the same way but realise I should make some adjustment for future GC should there be any in the interests of the same fairness. Even though the amounts are not huge, if they receive them when they are starting out in life after university, as my children did, it made a big difference.

Having been in very similar position in my time with an older sis getting a lifetime of financial aid from parents and me? Reluctantly lent me 2k to stop me losing family home in crash of 84 then only let off for it as they'd bought my niece a car in 1992?!?.... It's the silly deceit that's at the root of this tale. I'm sure if they'd explained if your bro. Was is more need with less opportunity to make good than you, fair enough. But if you're in similar financial position then I would expect even Stevens. But why lie to you? Old fashioned in their treatment of you both as if you were still children. You obvs have a solid relationship with bro for him to share info with you, I'd casually let the olds know you are aware of what they've done and just as casually let them know just how silly they are risking a schism between you and bro with their silly secrets. You be the adults in this. Hope bro finds a good home!

As an add on to my history of finances. My DD was very careful in his will and 50/50 was set in stone it didn't stop sis from trying to steal by hiding over20k worth of shares which I subsequently recovered(she foolishly forgot my former job in forensic finance.....) I was secretly touched by my formerly tyrranical pa being so understanding

crazyH

Equal share for my 3 children, though they have different circumstances, not vastly different, but certainly different. My daughter is divorced, but she will get no more, no less. As has been said, no one knows the future…..their circumstances may change. So they will get the same, except my jewellery, which will go to my daughter. My d.I.ls will get their mothers’ jewellery - that’s my justification

Your comment about jewellery struck a cord with me as when my MIL passed away she left ALL of her jewellery to her granddaughter (the daughter of her daughter, my SIL)
However, my daughter, also MILs granddaughter but her son's daughter, was left nothing.
Still rankles with me years down the line.

You can't help the way that you feel but you can perhaps try to look at it differently. Had your brother said "tough, that's what our parents want, get over it", or words to that effect, I think there would be more hurt involved. However, he obviously thinks very highly of you and wants to maintain a loving relationship, because he has offered to recompense you when he is able. Whether you believe that is necessary or not is up to you.

We did something similar with our children but were upfront about it and explained that it was solely on the basis of who had the greatest need. Perhaps if your parents had done this, you would feel less upset.

As others have said, it may help if you tell your parents how this has made you feel - that you are less loved - and give them the chance to explain and hopefully reassure you that you are equally loved.

Inheritance is a huge can of worms in families .

Years ago, my in laws gave huge amounts of money to their daughter .They all lied about it .

I know that money was given for baby essentials, cars were replaced, house deposits were given...it was endless .
There were weekly cash gifts to help with housekeeping .They financed their son in law through university .

Little was said about it .

After their deaths and estate was wound up there were huge shocks as to how little money was left and a lot of jokes made about my father in law having a mistress or another family .

They'd lived extremely frugally and my father in law had a top civil service job .

My sister in law wanted a quick sale on the house and more money was lost .
Recently ,inheritance has caused huge rows in my family .
It was caused my father and me enormous distress .
We are both still reeling from the shock .