Unequal gift

I understand how you feel. Over twenty years ago my parents and my sister & family both sold the houses they were in and bought one together. My parents gave all the equity they made to the new shared house. My Mum told me that when anything happened to them, I would get half that amount. She even told me it was put into a Will. I never got anything in writing. She died seven years ago. My Dad still lives in the shared house with my Sister. A couple of years ago I mentioned it to my Dad. He thought it was hilarious and asked where did I think the money would come from? I told him Mum had said my Sister would have to sell the house, or get a loan (I was sceptical about that at the time). He laughed again, told me he didn't know what my Mum was talking about. He also told me they'd never made a Will. I was devastated. I was upset at the time of them buying the house - a fact they kept from me until it was nearly built - because I was always in a bad way financially and could really have done with the same help on several occasions. The house is now worth a lot more than the price they paid, but I get nothing. I am angry, hurt, upset and bitter about it all. Of course, I know I'm not 'entitled' to anything, anyone can do what they want with their money, but the worst thing of all is that my Mum lied to me about it all and it's sullied my feelings for her. I suggest you either speak to your parents, or let it go, because the only one bothered by this is you. Don't let it consume you.

Gigi1975 What a pity that is the case but how I totally understand how you feel and know for sure I would feel exactly the same. The lying is disappointing from ones parents, I would have to say something or it would eat me up forever. I would however leave it for a while so you do not say things you regret. Let your feelings settle for a while before you speak with your parents, write it all down a few times to see if the disappointment lessens and then perhaps you can discuss it in a very calm and constructive manner. Good luck

It's not the unequal amount that would bother me but the reason and deceit behind it. I would have to ask parents about this or else relationships would be soured evermore. It's a risk to do this so think very carefully about how to approach them. As a bit of a cop out/compromise maybe your brother could ask the question saying you'd mentioned the amount you had recv'd and he wondered why the difference?

Be grateful, not many people are left money of any amount and in this climate any 'found' money i.e. extra should be welcomed. Be pleased for your brother that he can now have a house, stop feeling hard done by.

You have a house and he doesn’t. They are no doubt wanting to make sure that you both have financial security. Stuff happens. I am the eldest of 2 sisters born 14 years apart. My parents were poor when I was born and my Dad worked 3 jobs and my Mum in a shop to get the deposit together to buy a house. We lived with Grandparents until then. No frills for me. Just basics, but I was happy and had what I needed. 14 years later and they were better off when my sister arrives. She went skiing with the school, on a school cruise, had private music lessons etc. Did I resent it? No, because I had what I needed when I needed it. Have you ‘gone short’ of stuff when you needed it? If not, be generous with your attitude towards your parents and brother. Cash does not equal love.

My Mum asked me what i thought about leaving different amounts to my sister and I before she died. My sister is well off and i am not. I asked her not to do this and to leave us the same, i knew it would cause upset and a sense of unfairness to my sister. I fully understand how upset you must feel x

No I can't think this is fair. You should both get an equal amount. Your parents lying about it means they know its unfair and are trying to hide it.
I'm sorry but I would have to talk to them about it. Although it is possible the extra your brother is getting could be a loan.

I am certain it is the fact that your parents chose to lie to you that is making you feel less loved. Think, if your parents had come to you and said they had come into some money and wanted to give you both some help but give your brother a little more so he could get a house but would even it up in their will, would you feel ok about that? I really want to know because I am in a similar position but in reverse. My eldest 2 children are both buying a home. My dd I have helped a lot with childcare coasts so she could go back to work full time. I have helped out twice by contributing to the childcare. My ds1 realised he could not afford to buy a house here so moved up North and has bought a 2 bed terraced. He has a job there too and is happy there with friends close by. Dh and I gave him £8,500 towards deposit. My youngest son earns less and is single and has been saving hard for over 2 years but is beginning to get depressed as in that time house prices in our area where he wants to stay and has his friends and job are going up quicker than he can save. He is saving £7,000 each year. So each year he sees a house getting further out of his reach. Dh has suggested we sell him one of our btl houses a 2 bedroom quad house with a big garden, at the price we paid 15 years ago. This would give him £70k equity. We would have to pay capital gains of £28k between us but we would have enough left to buy another btl to replace income stream if repaid interest only. We have spoken to youngest son and asked if he would like us to do that and he is over the moon but will have to wait until October so he can utilise his LISA. I have told him we will be adjusting our will so he gets £70k less than his siblings. He is happy with that. I had the difficult conversation with his 2 siblings and they both said that was fair. They understand he needs help and they both have houses albeit with a mortgage. How would you feel if your parents had said this to you instead of lying to you? we love all our children the same and have tried to help each out when we can. Youngest has not had help before and did not say a word when we helped out his sister with childcare fees or his brother with deposit.

Maybe your parents knew you'd be upset to know your brother had been given more, and that's why they said you were being given the same amount.

Is it the fact that they weren't honest with you that upsets you the most, or the fact that your brother received more?

I can totally understand how you feel. My mother left myself and my sister hugely different amounts. My mother was manipulated by my sister over several years and changed her will 18 months before she died ( previously it was shared 50/50) which I didn't find out about till after her death. The lies that were also told defy belief, but as I didn't know, there was only ever one side of the story and I could not put my side forward, so convenient for my sister Myself and my family broke off having anything to do with my sister and her family because of the undescribable hurt this caused us. There is much more I could say and there is much much more to my story but u have my deepest sympathy

I do wish your parents had talked to you and explained the reasons why they have chosen to give unequally. I also wish they had not covered up their actions with a lie. Probably they do not wish to hurt you but can see your brother's need. Yes, I can see why you are hurt for more than the obvious reasons.
I am torn as to if you should say anything to your parents because I don't know enough about you or them. Was your brother told to keep the amount of his gift quiet? Such a difficult situation caused by a lack of open discussion between you all. They maybe cannot afford to treat you equally at this time. I doubt it's a sign of unequal love. They have chosen the wrong way to go about preventing hurt. I hope you manage to resolve this issue without family fall out.

We gave our second daughter a large deposit for a flat ten years ago to help her get on the property ladder. We told our older daughter that she would get the same in day and it was in our will that she should get this extra if not before. We didn't help the elder daughter at the time as she was hopeless with money and would have ended up in debt. We paid for both of our daughter's expensive weddings and dresses and have given them loads of hand outs along the way. My eldest is now living in a 5 bed brand new house with her partner and is reasonably sensible with money, the youngest is in a nice 4 bed with her hubby and children. Being entirely open and always generous has kept the peace, thankfully neither of my girls are avaricious anyway. I completely understand why your parents have given your brother a deposit at this time in his life as he probably would seriously struggle to get on the housing market without it. You have made that leap and are getting a nice bit of cash to spend as you see fit. I am struggling to understand the subtext here, don't you want your brother to do well? If the cash was equal it may not be enough to get him a deposit maybe? I note that you mention that he spent time and money living his life, well, that was his choice admittedly and he didn't know that some time in the future he would get parental help did he? I think your parents should have been honest with you, without doubt. Do you think the shares would have been acceptable in that case? As a final comment from me, it's a bit of a nice problem to have - getting a windfall, what a shame it has been received (and managed by your family) so badly.

I think you are right to feel hurt. My MIL gave her other daughter in law £500 for her birthday present and because her son and I have a birthday in the same month gave him £50 for his birthday to share with me. Oh yes I feel you have every right to feel injustice. I hate unfairness. Needless to say I am the one to help her while she tells me about her wonderful daughter in law who never comes near.

My husband has three siblings. We know that one has had a valuable watch, one a diamond ring, don't know about third. My husband hasn't been given anything.
At the weekend we were told that sibling 3 is to get a larger share in the will, don't really know the reasoning behind this - all the siblings are doing well and do their fair share to help out their mum. It has nothing to do with me of course, but I feel so annoyed on my husband's behalf. In my opinion it should always be equal.

I have helped my children with different amounts of money according to their different needs. One has had a substantial sum which will mean they receive that much less when I die. The other children know what I've done. I love them all equally. I echo what others have said - do not let this spoil your relationship with your parents or your brother - but I do understand your pain when you found out what has actually happened. I think the most likely thing is that your parents love you and your brother equally and have been very fearful that you would 'read' the larger gift to him as loving you less. They then made what looks to me like a bad decision - to tell you you were receiving the same as your brother. But it was based on not wanting to hurt you. In fact it has ended up leading to your feeling hurt - which is, I think, exactly what they wanted to avoid. So many people fear speaking to others they love about things which really matter , for fear it 'will all go wrong'. But sharing things which matter bring us closer if done with a commitment to listen for understanding. Maybe after you have read this thread and chosen which bits of advice are the ones you want to follow, you might consider talking to your parents - openly and with love, without blame or judgement but to clear away misunderstanding and instead understand each other better. That could bring you closer and help with the pain you are feeling. Nothing in life is certain - but people often more regret the things they didn't do, than the things they did. If you continue to feel hurt - and I do see it is a very strong and present feeling - you could find a good therapist to talk to for a few sessions - it is part of being human that sometimes we need someone else to help us work through pain, rather than trying to ignore it or lock it away (which never works) If you do that, you might then feel in a place where you could have that conversation with your parents and maybe your brother too. I wish you well.

I understand how you feel. When we were young my DH worked long hours and was away from home a lot hence he earned above average salary. When my parents were handing out money we always got less than my brother and sister because we "didn't need it". That felt unfair because we made sacrifices to be in that position. I have been determined not to do the same with my 2 daughters. They might get different amounts when they need it most but it is always evened out in the end.

I'd like to say the hard truth. You and your sibling (s), male or female will not and never can have an equal upbringing. My sister and I certainly didn't and I don't know of anyone that has. My elder sister was always given more and to my parents, I say Thank You! I had to struggle and fight for everything I have and I treat it respectfully and feel a great sense of accomplishment. My sister? She has been on the edge of or in homelessness almost all of her adult life. You are perfectly capable and don't need it. They spend their money the way they want and have their reasons which they do not need to justify or explain.

How about hi mum and dad I don’t want to sound ungrateful but you said me and bro were getting 50/50 but I don’t feel it has being. Then wait for reply because only there can give you the answer you are looking for unfortunately. My sons and grandkids will get different amounts but that’s only because I started with saving accounts when born as all not born same time will get different amounts don’t mean I love them any different. Now my parents well I was born first and received zero my brothers got everything

For me it is the lie that would hurt. Dishonesty is the thing that I hate most. It also shows that they know they are not being fair but are too cowardly to explain why. I'm afraid that I would feel duty bound to tackle the issue with them by saying how disappointed I was that they lied to me. I wouldn't be able to help myself. If it meant that they were offended and I didn't get the money, so be it. I wouldn't even want them to make up the difference but I would want them to know that the dishonesty put our relationship in jeopardy rather than the amount of money.
Hat's off to your brother for wanting to make up the difference although in reality, if he's not good with money, it is unlikely to happen. At least the thought is there and he is being honest with you.

I admire your brother with his communication and straight-forwardness. You've made it clear you appreciate the decision is for your parents about what they do with their money. It's the deceit about the messaging which would enrage me. I'd let them know that you are aware and leave it at that. If they choose to explain so be it. It's a rum way to be with folk and you are right to feel as you do.

I have a sister who is feckless with money. She asked for financial help from our mother when she was in need. Our mother was good enough to tell me about the request and asked if I minded (I didn't). She proposed giving me a matching amount of money, although I didn't need it.

However, after our mother passed away, I came across another begging letter from my sister to our mother and I have no knowledge if a gift was made at that time, or not - or indeed any others. I should mention that my sister left for another country and did nothing to support our mother in her extremely frail state of health for her last fifteen years.

It is not the act of giving money but the background behind it that (to me) is the problem. Some people need or manage money better than others but if there is a constant stream of financial help there could be a perception that one person is being left out. Of course, my mother was free to do what she wished with her money but there was a niggling sense of unease when I found the correspondence relating to a second gift.

I would suggest you speak to your parents, perhaps suggesting that if possible, a gift be made now to your brother and this amount be deducted from their estate when they pass away, if they do not wish - for whatever reason - to give equal amounts now.

Please do not let this fester as many years later, despite a good relationship with my sister, if I think about this quandary, it still rankles! Perhaps I am a very shallow person!

I am the youngest of 5 children. When my mother died she left everything to the eldest two (it was a substancial amount of properties, investments and cash).
It divided the family.
As a family I always felt we were all equally close.
I would just like to know why three of us were not that equal to the other two!!

My own mum was always very fair in giving us the same amounts when we were buying property. She helped me with a deposit, then later my brother needed more help for his deposit so she gave him what he needed and then gave me extra to even things up - which paid for a dining table and chairs and a new vacuum cleaner. She lent him money later which he paid back. When my car died she offered to buy me another one. I said no as I knew I couldn't repay the loan but she said "It isn't a loan, it's a gift. Just don't tell your brother!"

I never told him and I don't know if she ever evened things up, however he was always better off than me so maybe she felt I needed it more, which I did at the time, as getting to work without a car was extremely difficult involving 40 miles a day with 2 buses each way!

I've helped both my kids out with loans at various times. One still owes me money. I hope in future to help them both out equally but would consider unequal help if they had different needs. If I helped in an unequal way it would be based on need, definitely not on favouritism.

Please don't feel bad about this situation. It sounds to me as if your parents want to help you both and do their best for you. Maybe things will be evened up later through their wills (that is what I would do) but whatever their plans, be grateful for their generosity and try not to let this affect any of your family relationships.

I’m sorry that this is causing you distress and hope that you reach a resolution at some point. It must be even more difficult if there is no apparent reason.
I have made provision in my will for one of my (2) children to receive more than the other, because the one has constantly had money off me. My solicitor insisted on me signing something with the reasons why.

I also think that such a gift and monies left in Wills should be divided equally.

However, over the years we have gifted money as and when the need arose for all of our kids. We paid for University accommodation for all of them and we helped out with a deposit contribution for one, but bought all the white goods and paid solicitors fees for another one. We will do the same for the youngest when he buys a property.

We have never discussed the above with the other children, but they all know that if they are in need we are there.

Fortunately, they are all doing very well and don't need the money. I can see how it might be much harder as a parent if there are very different circumstances for one child than the others. if that was the case then we would discuss the issues with them all, there would be no secrecy.