Unequal gift

Personally I believe this to be relevant to this sort of consideration, especially if needs are very different.

We have always given to kids according to their need..we have 4 so 25% each would be silly. They know not to share info. The only way we could do it. Number 2 has plenty of money with her husband buys new cars etc. But they all know we are there for them if the need arises.

I know exactly how you feel Gigil1975. 20 years ago my parents bought a house next door to theirs and although kept it in their name they gave it to my sister and her family to live in and be left to my sister upon their deaths. I too was horrified and couldn’t see beyond the fact ‘they loved her more’. Yes we had a little bungalow at the time but we also had a nice big mortgage that went with it and I suppose we looked better off than we actually were in hindsight. Where as my sister was on housing benefit and already living in a house my parents already owned. I consequently found out as well she paid them a pepper corn rent and kept in her own pocket several hundred pounds a month from the housing benefits people.
I was in hospital recovering from major surgery at the time I was told so as you can imagine not in the best head space to have something like that dropped on me. I didn’t talk to any of them for 6 months after coming home from the hospital then decided I needed to know why they had put her in this house instead of not buying a property and if the cash was surplus to their requirements they could of split it in 2/3 equal shares and been fair (we have a brother also that hadn’t spoken to them for years and was a millionaire at that time). My sister could of put it down as deposit on a house and I could of payed of a chunk of my mortgage. Their answer was they didn’t think it was any of my business what they did with their money but did realise that they had now caused a bitter divide but hoped as she was youngest she would look after them in their twilight years. Forward 15 years and both got very sick, my sister was nowhere to be found. She moved one night in the middle of the night so they didn’t see her and long story short she has now got a council house. A mortgage would never have worked for her anyway because she was always so thoroughly spoilt by parents she would of been unemployable. My brother did come back on the scene many years later after father died but he still lives abroad and didn’t expect anything. I did give him some money from mum’s estate as it was only fair. But sisters 3 children got her share in the end as parents realised she is an alcoholic. I looked after both my parents, the anger of how I felt subsided and gone and their house payed for mums care home. My husband and myself lived with her when father passed for 2 and half years. Her care plan was 2 caters 4 times a day which cost £800 a week. After 2 and half years she went into a care home and I paid her home fees of £1120 a week for nearly 3 years. Sister didn’t visit mum for over 2 years and several months after. Personally my conscience is clear. Last time I saw or spoke to sister was at mums funeral 6 years ago and if I ever saw her again it would be too soon. My brother and myself are extremely close thank god. I suggest you ask why they didn’t give you equal amounts for your own peace of mind, I might be wrong but it will be hard for you to accept if you don’t. I do hope your mind finds peace.

IMO it's up to the parents what they give to whom BUT to lie about it is wrong.

I have 2 sons and as much as I have very little, it's all going to the younger one, the elder will get nothing. There are mitigating circumstances, not least the fact that we've been estranged for many years and he rejects my attempts at contact and I know that if I were to leave him anything he'd refuse it anyway, he has already done this with an insurance policy I took out for him as a child that was due to pay out over a decade ago, the funds are still sitting with the insurance company.

So it's not always the right thing to do to split equally. Every family's circumstances are different.

From where I stand I think that although the child who seems to be fine financially may not be so fine in reality and would also benefit from an input of funds as much as the one who is definitely in need.

Gigil1975 If it's any comfort at all, I would feel exactly the same as you, just because you made good decisions and tried hard it feels like you are losing out because of that. I don't suppose there's anything you can do about it, just be glad that you are secure and are getting something, but I really understand why you will be burning up. It should be 50/50 despite arguments.

You mention a 'lifelong feeling of resentment.'
This would seem to be the main issue here, rather than the present event.
I think you have a clear choice. You either come clean about your lifelong feeling of having been treated less favourably than your bro, and talk it through with the family, or you ditch the resentment and accept that people are different and can see things differently.
I have twin daughters, btw, who I tried to treat with scrupulous fairness from birth. One has always believed she was discriminated against and it has made her bitter.
This is a great sadness for me.

I understand completely how you feel,but do not say anything,it will hurt your relationships for ever,maybe they are leaving you personal items,rings etc in the future——- your feelings are bound to be hurt.I’m leaving my 4 children the same amount as I know how hurt you feel when it is not like that,so maybe you will make sure your will is made.

Well, I have a mixed story to tell. I am the eldest in my family of 4, although I was 20 when my youngest sister was born and already living away from home. So both my parents are quite bright but had very difffering backgrounds. From a very young age it was recognised that I was very bright but it was not seen as something good. Much more the pressure was put on. So anything I did wrong I was told off but also it would be added that "someone of my intelligence should not have done /said this" I would also be told to take my sister and brother to various things and was made responsible for them and what they did. So again if they did something wrong they were told off but I was also hauled over the coals becauseI "should have realized " etc. So moving on to more adult times , I have always felt that I am constantly judged about what I did and what I chose to do and that I could have always done better. I would spend time worrying about possible problems in a situation, to try and avoid them before they happened. I had a strong sense of justice and was very honest and would argue with my parents about things like time to be home etc . My next sister was 2 years younger and extremely bright. She told me when she was about 14, and this was not in an arrogant manner but just the truth as she saw it, why argue just let them think you are doing what they want and just do what you choose and ignore them. When I said that is not right or truthful she replied "why should I worry what people who are less intelligent think? " Whilst I was very shocked about that I can see that all her life she has been less anxious or depressed or upset , she does not try to argue her corner but just goes her own sweet way. My youngest sister actually changed both her christian name and surname. So I have lived abroad and done a variety of things by my own hard work and never had anything from them. In later life they told me that they were leaving all the money to my brother as he was going to build a bungalow on his property for them. At the time I was divorced with very little money. For a short time I was absolutely furious, bitter, and angry as I felt that I had had a much harder childhood than the others and that they had used me in a way and yet now I was not considered. So I have kept a good relationship with my sisters and brother and do not resent him, because it was there idea and not his. I always felt that I mattered less and when I had cancer and was in hospital and friends and others came to see me, my parents didnt come for 4 days after my operation and stated that they could not let people down as they had committed to something. That was the finish for me and I stopped trying to be good enough or please them and it has been great as has taken a great deal of misery and worry from my shoulders. What I have now I have earned by myself and owe nothing to them at all so am not beholden to them. I had 30 wonderful years with the most wonderful second husband and knew what it was like to be truly loved and while I may never have a lot of material goods I have had much happiness from my beloved Granny who I knew loved me and from my lovely husband so that when they died and did not leave me anything it really did not matter and I was rather like my sister in that I thought I am intelligent enough to have a good life with the people I love and you can give your goods to who you like things dont matter and genuinly feel that is true and I do not have to be thankful to them for anything. In the meantime my husband had a daughter and I had a son and our trust and love in each other knew that we would be fair, so that whoever survived would live in the house etc and then the estate would be precisely split in two. I shall keep that promise, both because it is fair and because the love my husband and I had deserves to be honoured. Both of them know that is what is arranged already and that they will be treated equally. When he was very ill both of them came to see him and got together and they treat each other as brother and sister and that is what we wanted and I am glad that my son will have a sister - family when I die. I wouldnt have swapped the life I had with my husband for a million pounds and I rarely think about it , but the great thing is that I am in touch with brother and sisters and we have not let our parents attitude spoil our bonds and that I think is more important. It is true that it is your money or goods and you have every right to do as you please, but even if it seems a twisted viewpoint to others what is really far more important as someone else has said it is the lying and deceit that will eat away at everyone. The damage is done but if the parents were able to speak calmly and explain why they had chosen to behave in this way , it might help, or if they would write a letter explaining their reasons it may provide some reason or understanding which can help to diminish the hurt, however personally I would definitely feel insulted to be lied to or ignored . Some people were brought up not to speak about money et c but either way, if they had said nothing to any of the children and they would only find out on the death of the parents, or whether they get them together and say look this is what we plan and why , but to tell one and lie to another is the absolute depths as far as I perceive it, so I think you are totally entitled to feel saddened and angry and any other feelings . If these feeling stay with you, I would definitely see if you could see a councellor or phycologist , who may be able to help you to process all the feelings and find out which are the most important feelings and what you need to do to put yourself in charge of them and to be able to decide what is right for y ou. If you love your brother and apart from this situation then telling him how you feel but making definite concrete efforts to stay in touch, enjoy some things together and not let your parents ruin an important connection for you. I would think my parents had caused far more harm if I had not been able to keep in touch with my siblings. We did not allow them to be in control of that and as the years have gone, the hurt to a certain extent has gone, but I still feel that I was used as the eldest andyet sort of chucked to one side when then did not need me later. So one of the things I have done myself and also advised people to do when they have an important decision to make and not sure. Take a piece of paper and put all the good things that come from the situation i.e. you and your brother may become closer and plan things together etc , on another piece of paper put all the bad things and fold them over each time you add something. Put them away for about a month and then get them out and look at them and you will see a pattern emerging and it may help you to decide what you want to do. It is rather extreme , but to be able to sit there and decide if you will bother to speak to them again or not, or if you will change your name, or move away and not give them your address. They are quite extreme ideas I would say and probably not what you will end up doing but it does give you the power over your own life to know that YOU will be the one who decides on your own way of life not others. Once you have that feeling, believe me , no one can ever really hurt you to that extent again. When some other crisis turns up you will remember this time and how you dealt with it and recognise how strong you are and how you can make your own decisions. I do believe that so long as you are not hurting other people you do have the right to live life they way you choose, not be shoved into patterns by others. I do hope that I have not gone on too long but thought you might see some of the parallels of our lives and that youwill feel that you DO have choices about your own life. You may not be able to influence someone elses life, and may not want to either , but knowing that you are free to chose your own path is very powerful for me. I wish you good luck and in the meantime I recommend making some bread. ! You cant beat it for wonderful thumping and banging about and you end up with lovely bread to eat in a calmer manner! Every best wish in your future.

I would want to because I have had so much more help and companionship from one or two of my children and grandchildren but I can't do it as I do feel it would be unfair. Even though one of the favoured ones could do with the money more. Its so hard to try and get it right. I am so proud of what my three girls have done a lot of it on their own. They have all said to me it's my money I should spend it how I want. I know if I was to spend it on holidays or vocational courses for one and not the others there would be some hard feelings. There's enough hassle already without money coming into it. I think what your brother has said is fair what your parents have done is not so fair, in my mind anyway.

Gigi1975 - It seems that your feeling of injustice is shared by your brother as he's offered to give you some money later when he can afford it, but I wonder what your parents would have to say about that? Maybe they feel they are treating you equally and not using amounts of money to be the signal of what being treated equally means.
For example, you already have your own house but your brother does not - what are the circumstances around that - were you both given the same educational opportunities and were you both supported by parents through university/college/other training? Wondering why he doesn't have a house, has he had health challenges?
Maybe the biggest question is why have your parents told you a lie - why say you and your brother are receiving the same amount when any sensible person would see that if having a larger amount means one sibling can buy a house and be in the same fortunate position as the other who already has one the one who already has the house would be happy for the one who doesn't - or am I wrong? Has your brother squandered money in the past and is he undeserving of this windfall? Lots of questions here - personally I feel if you consider you've always been the less loved child, it may be time to address that with a therapist. What you don't want in the future is for that feeling to carry forward to the next generation.

We are treating our children equally at the end of the day regardless of their different financial circumstances. It is irrelevant to us how financially secure ( or not ) our children are. The last thing we want when we are no longer here is any ill feeling between our children. Even shares all round is the correct way for us to go.

I think that is really unfair and breeds resentment. No matter how much money your brother has or hasn’t got, circumstances can change so every child should be equal.
I have been through the same with in-laws and my DH was extremely hurt.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t knowingly give one of my children more than the other

I think in an emergency situation, then of course it's ok to give one child a sum of money but not the other, but apart from that, it should be equal of course.

My father helps both me and my sister out - if I sat down and worked it out in financial terms - she would almost certainly have been helped or given more over the years.For the simple reason - she has five children when I have only two.It really doesn't bother me - I am grateful that he is able (and willing) to help both of us out and I am glad my sister has him to turn to,when she needs to.I know he has written his will out equally between the two of us but if/as/when a time arises when my sister needs helps,and he isn't here to provide it - I would step up and help her myself.We all have different needs - it shouldn't be about how much money is given - but thankfulness that we have family to help us,and helping others in turn,when we can.

IMO that's the way to look at it colette, be thankful that there's help available and helping others when we can.

It's your parents decision and I think you have to respect that. There is no need to feel entitled to equal amounts. It's a gift and it's not important to know and compare gifts from anyone and decide it's worth. If it's given with a good heart then that is priceless....

We have given both our girls uneven amounts because their circumstances were very different at certain times in their lives. What I did NOT do was conceal it from either of them and they both saw my reasoning. In both cases each got what I call a "substantial sum", but not so uneven as one getting five times more than the other. One gift was made recently and made it uneven enough for us to amend our wills so that if there is money left when we leave this plant the final distribution will partly even things out - unless something happens in the meantime that means one of them needs help. But both are pretty financially secure now and we will be spending what we have got left on ourselves- with their blessings!

Your parents were no doubt trying to not upset you by telling you it was equal amounts - and maybe they were right, but finding out anyway is always disappointing.

I know of one family with a "problem" son who is constantly needing to be baled out of things while his sister is a stock hard-working sensible woman, but she knows he needs it more than she does. And everyone is right, it definitely does NOT mean you are loved any less - indeed I can imagine myself saying "Oh, heck, X is in trouble again but we've got to do what we can - good job that Y is such a blessing".

I love my children equally but they need different help at different times. I've give time and and head dace to them at different times as well as money when they needed it at the time. I don't tell either at the time but it's not because I favour anyone it's because I just want to gell at the time.

I think you are right to think it should be the same amount given that your brother has spent money on holidays that perhaps you have never had the spare cash to do so.
but I don't think you should say anything to your parents, unless you need the money or they continue to repeatedly assert the same amount has been given to each of you. let it go, it's their money. Your brother might let them know he thinks it's a bit unfair , as your brother sounds fair minded. But if it is significantly different, it's always possible do do a post death variation of a person's will if all the beneficiaries agree to divide the estate differently e.g to provide for an agreed levelling up division.

My parents always treat myself and my sister absolutely equally despite a 9 year age gap. She had a big white wedding which my parents largely paid for. When I had a lower key Civil ceremony and reception my dad worked out the difference at current prices and gave us the difference which furnished our new home. Consequently I’m the same with my two sons and have even added a bar of chocolate to one present to make sure the same amount is spent on birthday/Christmas presents. I also give them the same amount of time and support when it’s needed just as they do to me and we’re all very close. My ex husband always favoured our youngest in all aspects resulting in a strained relationship between him and our eldest

It is unfair but you shouldnt rely on your parents to help. You should make your own way in life. What if there wasnt any money from your parents you would have to muddle on without it. My parents didnt leave us anything and we didnt expect it.

Parents should be honest with their children. Husbands parents and sister lied about money (& other things) to my husband. Made him feel second best. He’s never really got over it.
Think secret money gifts are wrong. Families should explain reasons.
Think your brother seems reasonable, let him even things up later, if he can- you may decide you don’t need him to after all. It’s his gesture that’s good.

Yes it would upset me and I would not do it to my children, regardless of their financial circumstances. If one has worked hard to get ahead at work, bought a house or become fortunate financially, and the other has not, it's not my job as a parent to 'even that up'. Who knows what will happen in the future and how their circumstances could change.

I love my children equally and money being allocated unevenly leaves a very bad taste in the mouth and likely to be a legacy of hurt. I'd not want to hurt my children like that.