Unequal gift

My children have all had different amounts. DS1 is married with a salary earning wife, DS2 is single, little money, DD1 single working parent, DD2 living on benefits. All need money for different things at different times, some less than others. I intend to distribute much of my cash long before I die, with my will distributing what little is left equally. None of them know the details of how much the others have had which is how I intend to keep it. I don't want them fighting after I've gone and this seems like the best solution.
It is my money and I'm going to do what I want to do with it.

I would just be grateful for what you've been given and don't think about it further.

newnanny the sale of your let property to your son at less than the market value has implications. If you sell it to him at say £100k and it is currently worth £150k there is a deemed gift of £50k. Before you do anything you need to seek legal advice.

For anyone thinking that deducting the amount of a gift from a child's eventual share of assets left in a will is equitable you should be aware that it can cause problems. £50k given now to help a child buy a house would be worth a lot more in say 20 years than £50k given in cash at the time of death so it might be wise to include a clause that means that the £50k for the house is adjusted to current values at the time of death and the estate apportioned accordingly.

I am very grateful to my children who are unequally treated but say they are happy with that. I bank roll one who is ill and would have lost their house had I not been able to help, one lives with me and I pay most bills and another is doing well financially but I helped when a burglary left them out of pocket. They have had very different amounts but they care about each other and the ‘losers’ say it is the right thing to do. When it comes to my will they will get equal shares as I can’t predict when that will become relevant or what position they will be in at that time. I really believe that they will help each other out in the future if necessary but who knows…..

My mother in law treated my daughters differently. We had a good relationship until one day I had to say something. She took offence and we haven't spoken since, over 5 years ago. My daughter wasn't worried about it but I was. She was less better off money wise than my other daughter so it wasn't that reason. My mother treated myself and my brother equally and I will always do the same for my children and grandchildren whatever their circumstances.

I have always treated my two sons the same. They would have been upset if I had ever given one more than the other. Rightly so.

I do understand how you feel. I really do. Please consider your parents and sibling. Is it truly worth falling out over. It sounds as though they acted with love for you both.

It seems that for many of us, that the main concern is the lie - but it may have been told for a reason OP is unaware of.

I totally understand those who say that children / GCs should be treated 'equally and I also take the point that fortunes may change.

However, I am still uncomfortable with what I know will be uneven for my GCs, and make a big difference to their start in adult life.

Newnanny we did exactly the same, the others are very happy with the arrangement. We all need to be up front but parents occasionally do get it wrong!

I helped my son out by giving him money to prevent him having to sell his home , when he and his partner split up. His ex was entitled to half the house. I know my daughter resents this and I do feel bad about it. She has three children and my son has no children.

I understand how you feel,similar thing happened to me ,my sister was given a house deposit I was refused.I have always resented it but kept quiet because there was no alternative unless I wanted to cause a rift. My sister couldn't have cared less on my plight ,which I can't understand.

We are scrupulously equaliser in gifts for our children I in your position would be telling my parents that I know they have lied to me

I debated whether to wade in on this as it’s very hard to comment when we don’t know you but I’ll just venture a point of view. You say that you know that you should be happy with the amount of money but you’re not. So why are you taking it? If you feel so strongly that your parents have favoured your siblings over you then make the point. Otherwise I do think it sounds like simple sour grapes. My mother, who was very well off left my brother about six times what she left me despite the fact that he had a very bad relationship with her and I cared for her until her death. Initially, I did feel hard done by but honestly, he needs it a lot more than I do thankfully and as his mother, she felt that. I think it was her way of making good. Sadly, he’s still ungrateful and never has a good word to say about her. I think that if you take the money, feeling the way you do, you will always feel bitter and hard done by. Either accept it with genuine grace, they are giving you a gift after all. Or just say, “thank you, but no. I feel that if you are not going to give me the same as my brother you are making me feel you love him more than me and I don’t want to take your money feeling like that.” At least this way you are true to yourself and can feel that you stood up for yourself. How sad though, the old saying No good deed goes unpunished comes to mind.

Please acknowledge that you understand your daughter's feelings ,don't refuse to talk about it like my family did.

When I read things like this I’m glad I only have the one child.

I helped both my children with large cash amounts when they bought houses 4 years ago. But, one hot 5 times the amount of the other, just because that was what they needed at the time. I did speak to both children about this and have altered my will taking into account the unequal gifts. The children know about this and have said they would be happy to have equal legacies in my will, but it will be up to them to arrange a deed of family rearrangement if they feel the same way after my death.
My sister and I were helped in different ways when we were younger. I was able to repay the money my father loaned me and my sister, who received a larger cash amount has always resented me repaying my loan. Our attitudes just reflect our fiffernt approaches to money., but it still causes problems even 50 years on!
As others have said, your relationship with your family is important. Please don't let money affect it.

Your parents obviously feel what they’ve done is wrong or unfair in some way because presumably otherwise they wouldn’t have said you were both getting the same. I think you’re right to feel aggrieved. Could you ask them why but without criticising them but saying that it’s made you feel sad so you wondered if they could explain their reasons as that would help you to understand.

I have always felt that any money parents or other relatives either give children (nieces, nephews etc) or leave in their wills should be evenly distributed.

However, a lot of people don't see it this way. My aunt left the bulk of her estate to my sister's children and only a small legacy to my sister and myself and nothing at all to her two other godchildren, even although she had said since we were children, that as she had no children, all four of her god-children would inherit equally. There was nothing we could do about it, but it did hurt, I admit. I felt very guilty towards the other two who were left out in the cold.

Presumably, your parents feel that your brother needs help to be able to put down the deposit for a house, and that as you already have a house, you don't neeed the same amount.

To my mind, this is only fair, if they helped you when you bought your house.

Whatever their reasoning, they should certainly not have lied to you and then handed over a smaller amount without any explanation.

So what do you do now?

If you ask your parents for an explanation, or even word it tactfully by saying, you had thought they had said they were going to give you both the same amount, you are likely to give offence, and, as you yourself said, feel that you sound ungrateful.

But you have already discussed this with your brother, which to me is unfair, as he presumably did not influence your parents, nor do I think you have any right at all to expect your brother to hand over some of what he received, either now or later.

However, as you and he have discussed the matter, it would be more honest if you or you both asked your parents why they first said even amounts and them apparently changed their minds.

Have you received sums from them in the past, when you brother received less, or nothing?

Please be careful here, as you may well stir up feelings that will hurt even more than your present hurt.

In your place, I would try just to shrug it off.

Hmm... really difficult. My elderly mother has just died leaving her money 50/50 to me and my sibling. However he is incredibly wealthy which I'm not. And, if I'm honest, I resent him getting it because over the years I've done so much for her whereas he has done nowhere near the same amount. But I do understand why she has done it because I've done exactly the same with my children even though, again, one is far better off than the other. Money is a tricky subject and some people take it far more seriously than others. I know a couple who each have their own money and "owe" each other money. Whereas I'm the sort who will give it to anyone as long as I've got enough.

Have no answers other than say if it were my children no way would I have done what your parents have done.and can understand your disappointment.

We have a son and a daughter and have helped as much as we can at the time it was needed. We are open about who is getting what, why and when and it usually evens up along the way. My mother's saying was that 'money is just a means to an end'...ie not an end in itself and it is still our family motto.

I completely understand how you feel. My parents were divorced and they both did exactly this to me, neither giving any explanation as to why they had done so.

My father was the first to do so and my mother was very disparaging about my fathers behaviour and attitude when she discovered what he had done. She thought it a dreadful way to behave.

However she then did exactly the same thing to me some years later. She also gave 4 grandchildren in excess of £40k each and yet gave not one penny to my 4 children.

That was for me the most hurtful thing she could have done. I found both episodes very upsetting and difficult to deal with, particularly the behaviour towards my children.

The experiences have left me feeling very isolated and caused huge problems within the wider family.

For my part I ensure that each of my children get exactly the same and apply the same principle to my grandchildren. I love them all equally and could not bear to hurt them in the way that I have been hurt.

I would never feel entitled to any legacy. My stepfather who had adopted me, left both me and my 'half'brother the same. I never expected it, and offered to give my half to my dear younger brother. It wouldn't have made me feel slighted in any way not to have had anything, or a different amount.
Surely parents can leave or not leave what and to whom they wish. Maybe they should spend it on themselves while they are alive. Our children certainly have said so! Where there's a will, there's a row.

This is very helpful for me. My 2 children are in vastly different financial situations. We try to be fair and give them equally but I know one of them needs so much more… it’s so tricky.

Cornish7 your account of your circumstances mirrors my own and I have every sympathy for you and your family.. It’s a horrible situation to find oneself in and the hurt can be devastating.

I think that situations like Gigil975 has described are difficult to understand unless you have lived the experience