The dreaded talk!

Absolutely do whatever YOU want, please don’t feel pressured by your children. Two hours is no distance and it’s about spending whatever time you have have left doing what you want. Explain this as diplomatically as you can, but do exactly what you want and need

oh gosh Meow!

I 86! only just started to feel my age, truly! arthritis suddenly appeared, I am not on a bus route though local shop and church I attend just short of walking distance, (for me now, that is!)
I live in my own small 2 bed end terrace, small garden, I am just about keeping it together, still "grieving" death of husband nearly 3 years ago now,, I REFUSE to accept depression,

with friends yesterday, in similar positions, though a tad younger than me! LOL and we all said " we know it wouldn`t work , (in our cases, living with family) but wouldn`t it be nice to be asked!! to feel wanted. oh dear!

Meow,, I day dream of being with my family, nearer at least, all so very very busy, as you say.. but I recognise it for what it is a daydream,

I assume you have friends now, where you are? and that is what holds me here..

oh Meow, you shouldn`t be given that pressure, dare I suggest to relieve their conscience? whatever the reason, you know what is best for you,

perhaps you can let us know how you get on with this? or just keeping talking to us? I am not good at sharing!

They moved away from you. Their choice. You should live where you will be happiest. I am having similar issues and I will not move 3 and a half miles from where I know to an area I don't know just to make things easier for them. If I have to use all my savings to keep going, then so be it.

Hithere

Just tell them 'it doesnt work for you" if you feel that's the case

2 hours is not that long at all.

Two hours away is a four hour round trip. This is something that we couldn’t get through to my MIL. When you’re working, and a visit takes most of a day, you start to feel as though you’re neglecting the person because you can’t be there as much as you’d like to.

Did your son move away for work/schools, OP?

I would say, given my own experience, that unless the area where they live holds lots of interesting activities that you would enjoy and where you could build an independent life....
don't move

My DSinlaw had this talk when his widowed mum wanted to move 30 miles away to be nearer her siblings. She moved anyway after multiple nasty arguments with bad things said on both sides. There has been no communication between him and his mum since which is so sad.
Why on earth do some adult children try to rule our lives and dictate where we live when we are older? Mine have accepted that we're 100 miles away, very happy living by the coast tg.

For five years after my father's death, I lived 3 hours drive from my mother, and my brother lived not much less. We never thought it a sufficient reason to pressurise her into moving closer to us until her health failed very sharply and, being almost totally blind, she admitted she found living on her own very scary. But if we hadn't been able to find an excellent care home in the very next village to my brother's, ensuring that he visited her every week and I visited twice a month, we would have looked for a different solution.

I’m 57 and both my sons want me to move closer to one of them and in fact I’m doing it. When covid hit us it made me notice how far I am from my family when couldn’t see each other and I thought about it then few months ago I was given some antibiotics that turned out I was allergic to. Somehow I managed to ring 111 who blue light me to hospital both my sons are 200 miles plus in different directions from my me. That was only push I needed yes both of mine also used to live here too. I’m moving for their peace of mind plus will get to see grandkids more than I do now. It’s your choice do what is best for you but I’m doing it for me.

At the same time, OP's children may see red flags that OP is not able to - therefore the request

Perhaps it is not all about you . I do not mean that in an unkind way though . A few years ago my 2 siblings were tired of the demands of having to visit our 80 year old mother 2 hours away, sometimes 3 times a week .
I live 4 hours away and visited regularly but much less with family commitments here.
I worried about them driving on busy roads after a days work mid week when mum had sounded in need of something on the phone , had fallen , had a medical app. etc and sounding lonely.Moving nearer them to a lovely apartment solved the problem . Every case is different ofcourse . If you are perfectly self sufficient and well by all means stay where you are , but think ahead to when to may be dependent on their help. Good luck.

have you looked into maybe beig able to do a swap through social housing to be close to your family

Also 2 hours away is a 4 hour trip , fine in good weather but a thought in winter and dark nights .

We have cared for 4 elderly parents and understand the difficulties that are concerning you children. As people get frailer, which often happens quite quickly, they can begin falling, become ill, can't manage banking, shopping and often can't get out of the house and lose touch with their friends. When your AC are working this can all put a bit strain on their families and on them, however much they want to help. Old age isn't always how people picture it when they are relatively young (75 isn't old nowadays).
However, I agree that private renting is not the answer. Are there perhaps any warden controlled housing association flats either near yourself or them that you could put your name down for to reassure them? There are also charities who rent assisted living flats more affordably. You don't have to swap till you are ready. As you say, you can afford carers and cleaners so that will be a big help. The question is always when to make any moves, when is the right time? Tell them you will keep it under review, but try to be openmnded as well as to alternatives.

Stay put, but tell them you are thankful that they care about you and you will think about what they say and will let them know if the time comes when you change your mind. Then if they still keep on about it just keep repeating "I will let you know if I change my mind"

My Mum is in the same position and currently living with us. She is in her 90s and wants/needs her independence . Could you look at social housing closer to your family? She is currently buying a sheltered flat 20 mins from us so we are there if she needs us.

Meow

Im 75, my health isnt good but I plod on as best I can, I do not have anything life threatening. I moved into sheltered housing 8 years ago, I have a emergency alarm system if I need it. Son, dil and grandson live over 2 hours away, I am in regular contact with them and get plenty of visits not as many as I would like but they are a busy family. Over the past couple of years they have been asking me to move to be closer to them. It was their choice to move away. They send me links to rented properties I might like (all double what Im paying now in social housing, so I would have to dig into my savings ) and I feel very pressured to move closer to them. I have thought about it and listed pros and cons, the cons list was lengthy! Too many to list here!
They came to visit me yesterday which was most enjoyable, then my son wanted a serious talk with me as they are worried about my health and them living over 2 hours away if anything drastic happens they couldnt get here in a short time. They wanted to know how I would cope. I explained I would be able to afford a carer if and when needed also a cleaner. (Im fortunate enough to have a private pension) At the moment I can manage housework etc, albeit it takes me a lot longer than it used to. Ive told my son I am not going into a nursing home I want to stay put. I understand that they are worried about me but I feel the pressure they are putting on me is just too much and I really do not know what to say to them without hurting their feelings and upsetting them. I also do not want to be a burden to my kids.

Perhaps you could look at "swapping" homes with another person. Thos would entail someone from your family's area wanting to move to yours. A very simple process, if you find the other person.

Meow as you say your are in sheltered housing, potentially your future needs will be on someone’s radar as time goes on - meaning you wouldn’t have a fall and have no one who can come to assist - or when and if you need carers to come into your home, your sheltered housing management will know how to refer you for that.

Living with several conditions myself, I pay a cleaner and others to help me in my own home. For a while I relied on lovely friends and church members - but when I started direct payments from my local council, I feel better about asking them to do or help with things.

Family are lovely to offer but unless you are 98% sure, I’d humbly suggest staying put and paying people as your age advances.

Good luck.

2 hours away is not the end of the earth. One son lives 9 hours drive away (usually takes a plane) and the other 2 hours away. No way would I consider moving nearer either, would probably only afford to rent a garage in either place! What does your son envisage happening if you moved nearer - become a carer should you need one? You are settled, have considered what would happen should your health deteriorate and have some funds for help should you need it.

This is just a thought.

I’ve been playing around with the RAC fuel calculator.

2hrs drive I’ve taken at 100 miles.I think that’s a conservative estimate, average 50 miles a hour. So a 200 mile round journey in a family car will cost around £50 plus mileage wear and tear.

Once a month? Twice on average? That might be a hundred pounds they just haven’t got anymore with rising mortgages, fuel, food. And they might feel embarrassed to say so.

I know I’ve been in that position when I had a young family and a lone parent lived 100 miles away.

75 is really not that old - Camilla is 75 too, but you have health issues. I would consider staying in sheltered housing and start looking at getting some help - maybe 4 hours a week cleaning and look at your social life - maybe you have friends nearby - to prove to your son that you are coping and happy. 2 hours away is not that far - I have a number of friends with children living overseas. Its good you keep in touch try to assure son that you are ok. Hope you can manage your health issues where you are, but you might need a plan.

Could you tell your son at theoment you are healthy and able to manage without domestic support. The next phase would be if you needed the domestic support and if unwell a carer. Tell him you might have many more years where you remain healthy and independent. But reassure him if you were to lose your good health you would re-evaluate your situation if and when it arises.

I have a volunteer job driving people, mostly 70+ , to appointments, hospitals etc. At three of my regulars moved to my area to be closer to their adult children. Mostly at the request of their family. Unfortunately they all regret the decision for a variety of reasons and wish they had remained in their “home” location. So based on a very small sample it seems you need to think very carefully. To uproot against your better judgment to avoid hurting feelings could be a serious mistake.

I am 99 and still live alone (my husband died thirty five years ago) and enjoy my independence. Have severe arthritis in both knees. Have survived cancer twice. I manage with an hour or so help a day with cleaning, washing up etc.
My son is 73 and lives 150 miles away.

Bijou

I’m 63 - I hope if I ever reach 99 I’m as self sufficient as you, I think you’re an absolute legend

I agree with what you are saying meow, you stay put love, you seem to be doing ok, and you are happy, why should you up sticks just because the family wants you nearer to them, it should be all about you not them, I would also tell them not to keep sending links to housing, give them the list of pros and cons, but ultimately it’s your life, you do what you feel happiest doing,