The dreaded talk!

Can you not sit down with your son and explain, whilst appreciating his concerns, why you want to stay put using your list of ‘cons’. You can also reassure him that should things change you’ll think again. Sometimes I think pussy footing about trying not to upset people just prolongs the situation

Baggs I think the OP has talked about this with her family, but they are continuing to pressure her.

If it was a case of you selling up a property and buying a more manageable one near your family, then I think that would be worth considering.

However, you are in sheltered accommodation, with the security that comes with that (although I believe in some cases this does not confer complete security to stay where you are but I may be wrong. I just remember that my granddad, who was in sheltered accommodation, was pressured to find an alternative because he became less able to manage and annoyed other tenants with the high volume on his TV and other issues). Having said that, private rental is a minefield - you will not be protected from rising costs and you will not have security of tenure. As another poster said, it may be possible for you to obtain sheltered housing in your family's locality. Would that appeal to you more?

I have heard several stories where older people have moved to be nearer their families and haven't seen them anywhere near as often as they had expected.

I do understand your family's dilemma. My Mum was in her 90's, with very poor sight and hearing, but she would not contemplate moving nearer us, even though she was more or less "marooned" in a village where there was little support from neighbours, except from one older longstanding friend who was marvellous. With a Power of Attorney I organised for her to have assistance in the morning and evening - administering eye drops, getting a drink/snack, etc. This wasn't really enough support but she was very anxious about spending too much and I did not want to upset her. On reflection, this was a big mistake. I should have just bought in more care and lied about the cost. I visited her each week - three hours each way on public transport - but I realise now that I should have done much more and feel very bad about it. Children feel guilty that they can't do as much as they feel they should so I do understand your family's position.

It is a very difficult situation, and I can understand your family's concerns. In the final analysis, though, it should be your decision, particularly as you say you have sufficient funds to buy in assistance if necessary.

If you're in sheltered housing, I would assume you are part of a 'community' or a S.H. complex. If you are feeling well looked after, as far as your neighbours are concerned, I would think you'd be happier where you are.

Thank you so much for this thread.

Family recently said, "why not come up and live closer" (it would be sale of house and buying flat in retirement block ie over 60's trip place). They thought "a bungalow" but in fact I don't want to keep having to look after a house and garden on limited budget a lot longer whether I stay local or move the 2.75 hour drive (in good conditions) He is my only son so no sibs to share stuff with. DiL a good organiser but..erm..a bit bossy tho very capable.

It has been mentioned once or twice since then but I realise we haven't in anyway had a Proper Conversation.

like was written above

"you should ask him how he would envisage your life changing if you were to move closer to him and dil - would he for instance still see you for the same amount of time or might you be close enough to join either the family or your dil for impromptu lunch or school event or something? Will being closer to them now add to your life?"

It is far enough to cut links to where I am.

So minuses - loss of the familiar, support stuff already in place etc.

Pluses - possibility of being closer to GC as they are only 4,6,8,10 yrs old and being a real part of their lives as I am only 71 and tho not too well have plenty of time left to see them through being teenagers etc. Moving sooner rather than later equals chance to make my own life in new place.

Minus's.....I'm a home bird, not a great traveler, I stick to things that are safe, its the decision of a lifetime.

Oh, BTW - I have ascertained - first question - they WILL be staying in the area well beyond time I'm likely to go on for - DS has tenure in Uni and they are very happy in the area and one DGC has special needs they have sorted locally.

Urmstongran

“If in doubt do nowt”.
Especially as your ‘cons’ list is longer.
My lovely late mother in law used to say “please others and you displease yourself”.

The fact that you have an estranged daughter adds another aspect. Perhaps your son is aware it’s only his family doing the to-ing and fro-ing and is starting to resent it? Of course this is only my take on things and I may be wide of the mark. Or not.

“Please others and you displease yourself” is a wonderful motto, I’m taking it on board and wish I had used it throughout my life.

As you are happy in sheltered accommodation (unlike me, happy, but should really downsize after being widowed) I really don’t think you should have any doubts about staying put.
Yes, things may change “going forward” as my daughter puts it, but your gut instinct is to stay and that is enough.
Another poster mentioned they had moved away from you, yes! Never thought of that…

To anyone who may be considering making this move, as well as looking at what property is available I'd suggest doing a bit of online research for activities, groups or clubs in the new area that you might be interested in.

You could have a look if they have a Facebook page for instance which might give you an idea of what they're like.
You could email the secretary, or phone with any questions. I did this with the private family-run day centre my Dad now goes to.

Start to think about whether a move could be a positive thing for yourself.

Maybe suggest to your children that you go and stay with them for a week and visit a few of these clubs.
The centre Dad goes to offers a free introductory day for example.

If your a WI member, or would like to join, find out when their meetings are and ask if you could come as a guest. Ours offers three guest visits before you decide whether to join.

It would all help you make an informed decision, either way , that you, and hopefully your family, are happy with.

Yes V3ra what I really need to do is find the right time to actually go up to the place concerned for a couple of nights and NOT stay with family but visit the place after researching the sort of resources I like...and have a good old ponder.

Meow…
Show them the message you wrote here. Then have a follow up conversation. You have friends where you are (I’m sure) and sometimes friends are more emotionally supportive than even your own family. (I’ve seen that over and over again.)

If you’re happy where you are, stay. You seem to be managing fine. Perhaps in a few years you’ll change your mind.

Take care of yourself in the meantime. Try to relax and be content with whatever you decide. Emotional peace of mind is half the battle.
Cheers to you and say hello to kitty!
USA Gundy