The dreaded talk!

Baggs

Why don't people talk to each other like adults?

Exactly Baggs. People don’t return to childhood upon reaching 70, and are capable of reasoned discussion and making their own decisions unless they have some mind altering condition.

Ditto to what Baggs said.
Moving at any age is a stressful PITA, so when you’re getting on a bit anyway, and do seem to have things very well organised, it will be that much more so.

IMO this sort of ‘talk’, albeit well-intentioned, is usually because the adult dcs are thinking more of their own convenience - a 5 or 10 minute drive - if necessary - being much less hassle than a considerably longer one.

We have very frail, elderly neighbours who were given this talk a few years ago, but TBH how on earth they’d have coped with a move - into totally unfamiliar surroundings - I just don’t know. They’ve stayed put with carers coming in, which seems to be working fine.

I know the OP is not at that stage yet, and v likely never will be, but from experience I have seen that even minor differences, like taps that work differently, or an unfamiliar oven, can be very unsettling and confusing for a very elderly person.

How about a compromise and looking at the house swapping register?

Meow - lots of advice to stay put here - I will go against that or at least suggest you communicate properly with your son before you resist his entreaties to you. Firstly, if you have a difficult relationship with your daughter, (his sister) he will know that and it will be a worry for him, so his request to you comes from a place of caring. If he thinks you have no chance of care from her in the future he will want to be assured that he will be on hand. Be grateful that your dil is happy for this. Secondly, you should ask him how he would envisage your life changing if you were to move closer to him and dil - would he for instance still see you for the same amount of time or might you be close enough to join either the family or your dil for impromptu lunch or school event or something? Will being closer to them now add to your life? I accept the differential in rents etc but you might downsize and reduce your commitment to the property. Finally, I have a friend whose son and dil live nearby and who have long asked the dil's parents to move closer precisely because they want to be on hand when the parents become frail. The parents have resisted for years - now one of them has developed dementia and is so confused that moving to a new area isn't a possibility so at the very time when the other needs and could receive the support of the adult children no help can be given as the distance is 300 miles. This is heartbreaking for the entire family. Think again Meow.

Agree with the above to stay put, do what you want to do, with plans in place in case you need more help. And tell your children they have to respect your wishes. 75 is no age at all. I am only a bit younger and OH a bit older- we certainly are not ready for being forced 'into some sort of care'. Sheltered housing is perfect for you- just make sure you have a plan in place and be ready to accept more paid help if required.

Apologies if I am repeating what others have said and I absolutely take your point but I can see the other side too.
You need to be able to how them that you have measures in place for some domestic help - why not now, if you can afford it? If you have a network of friends or neighbours to call on in an * emergency* that might also reassure them.
But you also need to think why you want to stay put. In my case (74) I still drive, live in my own house, have a cleaner and neighbours I could call if I needed them. But I also have a social life, activities I enjoy and the independence to travel to any of the AC (1 1/2 hrs in either direction) when I want to. There has been pressure to move closer to one D but that would double the distance to the others! I believe they mean well but I am not yet at that stage. Depending on your health you might be. So be honest about how well you can cope now, what provisions you have made for the next couple of years, and stand your ground if you can. But don’t then complain if they can’t drop everything in a heartbeat when you need them!

When my father died in 2000 my mother was under some pressure to 'move closer to us' from my older sib & his wife.

Other sib & I held our thoughts which included "why the didn't you mention this to us?".

Ma was briefly tempted but then the penny dropped that she would be moving from a sunny house set up for her needs with neighbours nearby for a small flat in London a good two miles from where my bro lives, knowing no-one but convenient for his regular charity & shopping trips.

Her evening carer mentioned that another of her ladies had done something similar in reverse. Left London for Plymouth to be closer to an adult child who had then moved on.

Meow, stay where you are happiest. My Ma extended her thanks and made sure everyone knew they were welcome to come and stay with her when they could.

Stay were you are
2 hours away is nothing You are in sheltered housing with an alarm system and obviously have friends in the area You are not old, old, many people live hours away from their children
Tell them that you are very touched by their concern but are happy where you are and appreciate they are so caring but you ll know when you need more help and will be more than happy to alert them if you feel you are not managing so well Then get on with your life

Adult children often treat ageing parents like they’re incapable of making sensible decisions about their lives , despite the fact they’re been managing for the last 60+ decades.
It’s sounds like you have made very sensible planning for your retirement. You’re in sheltered housing. Have a private pension and can afford a cleaner / carer.
Say you appreciate their concern but gave it all a lot of thought and feel you have made sensible decisions. Don’t get pushed into anything. I know people who have been persuaded to move and barely see the family any more than before.

On the other hand, some ageing parents impose on their AC

We have had so many posts that highlighting the unrealistic expectations and the strain on AC's lives

Yes, so it is up to the OP, and all of us who want to keep our independence, to ensure we don't phone them and make demands on their time too often, and have plans in place- and accept when we need more paid help and get it organised.

OP is 75, not 95!

OP is 75, not 95!

Some 75 year olds are more like 95 year olds. At 75 my mother couldn't cope on her own but if she had written on GN she would have sworn blind she could. She is in her 80's now and is convinced that she is quite able to cope even though she can no longer stand, make a cup of tea, or dress herself. We can't really tell from a post on here.
It may be that the son sees what is coming down the line where care might be needed and knows the older you are, the harder it is to start again.

Stick in your toes and stay where you are! It sounds an admirable situtation.

Two hours journey to reach you "if anything happens" is a long journey?

Not in my book - most of our generation had that kind of journey to our old parents and many a good deal farther.

It took three hours to get to my paternal grandparents, and a day to reach my maternal one - not ideal, but such is life, when you were born in one country and marry someone from another.

Our son has a four hour journey to us and it bothers neither him nor us to think of.

We will all die one day, but that is no reason to make the rest our lives a burden to us, is it?

Tell your family, that much as you love them and appreciate that they love and worry about you, you want to stay where you are. Dicuss frankly what you want to happen if you ever cannot any longer make your own decisions, (this only happens to relatively few after all) funeral wishes, or pre-paid arrangements, and if you think it any business of theirs the provisions of your will.

Once that dreaded conversation is behind you, enjoy life!

I agree with Baggs - many adult children suddenly turn the table and they become the adult, the parent the child! In fact, I am not sure how or when this happens but it has to many friends.

One does not suddenly lose marbles (or they would be very unlucky if this was the case) and can reason for themselves. On the other hand, we don't always see ourselves as we really are and it is possible that the OP's family has seen signs of decline, not recognised by the OP. It is tricky!

Personally, we hope to tick over in our own home without downsizing or moving into a care home but that is really in the lap of the Gods, as no one can foresee the future. We hope that instead of being in a care home we can stay in ours but buy in services as we need them. I have visited friends in care homes and they have to rise when it suits the home, eat meals when it suits the home and on and on: I would hate and rebel at every second! Of course, if health dictates that even buying in case is impossible, a home it would have to be. We do not want our children caring for us in any capacity.

As the OP's son is within return driving distance in a day, perhaps visits/care could be combined with other siblings?

Perhaps the OP could show her son the replies here so he understands the depth of feeling from 'older' people whilst appreciating that he is a lovely son who care about his mother.

Living in a sheltered home is not the same as a care home and I hope the OP can maintain her personal independence in her current accommodation for as long as she decides she wants to.

Don't move just in case of emergency and to just make the emergency slightly more convenient for family members. What other benefits are there in the move as you do t mention any really. Weigh up all the pros and cons in weighted priority order before you make any decision. On balance staying put seems the best option, for now.

Well, I don’t see why the adult children shouldn’t think of their “own convenience”. They are the ones doing the drive. And if the OP stays where she is she is thinking of her convenience. Not that I think she shouldn’t please herself but one is no worse or better than the other.

Obviously if they are seeking change something in the current arrangements doesn’t work for them. If the OP doesn’t make a change then they will have to be the ones that do.

That probably comes down to fewer visits until they achieve the level that works for them as a family. In making her decision I think the OP should take account of the fact that things cant remain the same as they are now.

My choice would be to remain where I am and accept that those changes will need to be made. I certainly wouldn’t want my children to make their own lives difficult in order to accommodate my choices.

My Dad (91 now) moved to our town four years ago after Mum died as he wasn't coping. He used to live nearly four hours away, now he's 15 minutes.

He's in a flat with a great onsite care team for as much help as he wants.
I've found him a super private day care centre which he goes to twice a week and really enjoys.
I've signed him up for the afternoon teas once a month run by Re-engage.
The residents where he lives have a get-together at least twice a week which he goes to.
My husband and I include him in our social life whenever we can. Our children are all adults so we have no particular commitments there.

However... Dad had no social life where he was before, no friends after Mum died, and was really lonely.

His life has definitely been improved by moving, but doing so needs careful weighing up for each person and their family.

I wanted my Mum to move closer to us after my Dad died, we are just over an hour away.
She refused, she had a good Doctor, was close to an excellent Hospital, had some good friends to keep an eye on her and let me know if there were any problems.
At the time she also had some elderly brothers and sisters alive that she visited regularly.
Yes it would have been easier for me, but in the end she stayed put and we visited.

If you have full capacity which I ve no doubt you have you need to make your own decisions whilst thanking your son and daughter in law but 75 is not old old plenty of life in your if you were 85 I might ask more questions but that’s 10 years away
My aunty lived on her own until she was 92 no children my Dad her nephew kept an eye on her but she managed even the steep steps of her two up, two down …but my dads mum had her daughter and son in law come to live with her at a very early age and her daughter dads older sister did everything for her I never saw her even go out or leave the house She sat and watched the world go by her daughter did everything for her she was a very placid lady and just sat still I never even saw her getup and make a cup of tea for herself My dads sister was a lovely lady but so over protective she kept her safe but what a life

If you are happy where you are and do not want to move - then you have your answer. Do not let your family pressure you into doing something you do not want.

Have you actually said "I am not moving" ? It's your life, not theirs, and if you're happy and coping where you are and have the wherewithall to get help if needed then why move?

You say they are a busy family and I feel you would see little more of them than you do now. We live very close to two of our children, they are great but they work full time and the teenage children keep them very busy. I would just say that you are happy where you are and can afford to stay there, you feel secure. Two hours isn't long and if some huge emergency arises and a drastic change in health then you will all be making other arrangements anyway.

Three points
A 2 hour drive is not a long way away - in my 70s, but I do that weekly to see family.
Of course your family may move again, (one of mine has lived all over UK, the other has stayed put on one area).
It may be useful to put your name down for a social housing swap in their area - you wouldn't be committed (?), but it might give you future options. Don't go into private rental - far too precarious -unless you have to.

Candelle said 'I agree with Baggs - many adult children suddenly turn the table and they become the adult, the parent the child! In fact, I am not sure how or when this happens but it has to many friends.'

This happened to us very recently when visiting our youngest (47)- on 3rd evening, it started 'you have to do this, you have to do that, you must not do ...' out of the blue. We have never asked for help, ever, and never complained. It was unbelievable and we had to say 'hold on a minute- this is our life and we will do as we please, and not ask for help, or your advice' Discussion and exchange is fine, but that was just very uncomfortable. We later heard that our oldest had already told him that it was none of his business.

We did not fall out, but it was tense and uncomfortable.

I am glad that I have no children with whom to have this "talk". When the time comes that I can no longer look after myself and life is no longer meaningful I have my own plans for what I will do.