Feeling left out

Oh lyle, you are priceless (in a good way)

It is very sad that this lad is not allowed to share his excitement and worries about the pregnancy with his own mother.

I’d have had an absolute fit if either my mum or MiL wanted to be at the births of any of our four children, come immediately after both of them welcome then, my Mum was too busy looking after the others after number 1 and for my first and her first grandson she waited patiently in the hospital waiting room!

No I am not being deliberately obtuse or looking for a straw man argument lyleLyle. I see that I miss read your post for which I apologise. Something that you could have drawn my attention too in a less confrontational manner.

Say nothing and continue to say nothing when baby is born - unless yr asked for your opinion. Even then go along with yr dil. She sounds very prickly. I’m speaking from experience here! Listen to yr son to give him assurance however.

Smileless2012

If you don't want to be told that at times you defend the
undefendable VS then it would be better not to say that others do so.

I haven't seen anyone say people are "against MILS". My initial response was to Grams2five who suggested that my perception was perhaps coloured by my personal experience. I said I felt the same way about some of the replies to the OP, and I do.

I agree with what you say about double standards, which is why I do my best to avoid them. Clearly we have our own opinions as to what we consider are justified and unjustified comments which is to be expected during the course of a discussion.

Yet Lyle just proved the entirety of your argument with me invalid

And if I have to go back and quote the comments I was responding too which weren't you (you simply agreed) I am happy to do so.

Maybe if you could let me and others have their own comments in the first place instead of constantly policing everyone else you wouldn't end up looking silly

MoaningTurtle

One of my DILs seems to resent our existence!
Today they have had their 20 week scan and thankfully all looks fine, however the placenta is low so she will need a scan at 36 weeks but they said they aren’t worried at all.
My son has just hurriedly texted me to pretend he hadn’t told me as she only wants her own mum to know.
I understand it’s her pregnancy and totally up to her what she does but this is just typical of her, she sees her mum during the week but doesn’t ever come to us, doesn’t want my son to ever tell us anything.
Am I wrong to find this hurtful?

OP disappeared when she got answers she clearly didn't expect, or want. If you read all her posts, she clearly has a low opinion of this particular DIL - all her interests are in the pregnancy, how the baby is, references to her much loved older grandson, that "50% of this baby belongs to her son". But I saw very little (zero) regard or respect for the DIL, blaming her for not seeing her grandson (and yet not her own son), how the DIL visits her Mum and not her, etc (seriously, would anyone want to spend time with someone who dislikes them) - the thousands of pounds OP has given them. OP's said she and her other DIL's discuss this one DIL. The antagonism towards this DIL is flying off the screen - I would find it difficult to believe that this DIL isn't aware of the apparent dislike the OP has for her.

Several polite and seemingly helpful suggestions that the OP needs to review how she treats the DIL, that she respects her decision to not include the OP in the details of the scan; despite the OP saying she was open to suggestions the OP scoffed and was openly rude!

I'm hoping the OP is taking a day to regroup and have a good think about how she wants this relationship to pan out. I'm getting a strong vibe of it's the OP's way or the highway ... And she's the one that will miss out on grandchildren if she continues with this train of thought.

No, as far as I'm concerned my disagreement with you is not invalid VS.

I don't think that seeing that you've made a mistake and apologising for it makes you look silly, quite the opposite. As for "policing everyone else" I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, and you may care to remember that it was you who first accused me of sometimes defending the indefensible and not the other way around.

I am a paternal Grandma - I have 3 sons and always fully expected to be a “Boxing Day “ parent / Grandparent. I accepted this, same with GC. It’s too easy to become resentful when DiL are closer to their own parents. If DiL is wise she will ensue her husband has quality time with his own parents.

A pregnant mother received some news about her pregnancy which distressed her. Her husband told his mother, reasonably enough, but his wife didn't want her to know.

The disgruntled MIL promptly shared sensitive medical information on a public forum with potentially hundreds/ thousands (? )of unknown readers, some of whom voiced opinions about a difficult family situation.

Imagine what this couple, particularly the pregnant mother, would feel if they knew their private lives have been laid open for scrutiny.

I’m genuinely baffled that anyone believes not having access to someone else’s personal medical information is hurtful or cruel.

Extended family isn’t entitled to any of it. Heck, as I mentioned before, not even the father can access the mother’s medical records if she doesn’t consent.

Yes, it’s THEIR baby but it’s HER body and HER medical information. She should absolutely get to decide who knows what.

As for the MIL requesting to be present at the birth, as a previous poster mentioned? I’d rather have given birth to a dozen tarantulas through my nose than have had my MIL even KNOW I was in labour, let alone be present. I made the grave error of inviting her to an OB appointment with our first baby together, since I was trying to be a good DIL, and thought she’d enjoy hearing the baby’s heartbeat. Her behaviour was so bad that the OB took me aside and questioned if I was okay, if she was staying with us and for how long. When the Dr. is concerned after only being around her for fifteen minutes, you KNOW things aren’t right.

It's to be expected that daughters are closer to their parents and that sons are closer to theirsKathmaggie and that both will want to confide in and share with their own.

Ok Smileless

It’s expected that it shouldn’t be a problem for a mother to understand her son’s priorities are and should be his wife. It’s expected that a loving mother wouldn’t want her son to pressure his distressed wife to share details of her body when she clearly isn’t comfortable. It’s expected that a loving mother would be more concerned for the pregnancy itself than her own desire to criticize her DIL online. Not a single word of concern for the young woman. It’s expected that people with loving familial relations would find that odd.

MoaningTurtle says in her OP "they said they aren't worried at all" so I think it's unlikely that her d.i.l. found the news distressing eazybee.

Smileless2012

MoaningTurtle says in her OP "they said they aren't worried at all" so I think it's unlikely that her d.i.l. found the news distressing eazybee.

Don't you think it is more likely that the medical team (midwives and doctors) are the "they" in that sentence...

Hithere

Oh lyle, you are priceless (in a good way)

Haha thanks

I don't think that a mother understanding that her son's wife is his priority and not wanting to feel left out are mutually exclusive.

I don't see the relevance of the expectation "that a loving mother wouldn't want her son to pressure his distressed wife to share details of her body when she clearly isn't comfortable" to this discussion. The OP's son hasn't pressurised his wife, and as we've also been told that "they aren't worried at all", which suggests there is no distress.

As she's been told that the parents aren't worried any fears she may have had, may have been satisfied. Perhaps she'd have spoken more favourably about her d.i.l. and expressed concern if she hadn't felt it necessary to defend her son and herself, and if they had a better relationship.

We can't know for sure.

I wouldn't say it's more likely VS. It's possible but I'd have thought the OP would have said if she was referring to her d.i.l.'s medical team.

How many people answer "we are not worried" when in fact they are?

We don't know if his mum asked if they were worried or if he volunteered the information.

I would, a mother told about any abnormality will be concerned, but the staff will likely show none.

My concern saved my son's life. I had scar tissue on my cervix from a previous surgery to remove cancerous cells. I was reassured throughout, not a concern, would not prevent dilation. Did not stop me worrying.

When I was induced, he became distressed, his heart was dropping and I ended up with a team of doctors discussing whether to let me progress without induction or do a c section.

I knew it was the scar tissue stopping dilation and it had gone on too long. I spat the gas and air out and shouted, do it now...

I had a full abruption as they wheeled me into surgery.

Mums are always concerned over abnormalities in pregnancy, common or not. Every single mother I have ever met

My interpretation was that it was the medical team that was not worried; I thought it rather a callous comment on the part of the MIL.

Smileless2012

I don't think that a mother understanding that her son's wife is his priority and not wanting to feel left out are mutually exclusive.

I don't see the relevance of the expectation "that a loving mother wouldn't want her son to pressure his distressed wife to share details of her body when she clearly isn't comfortable" to this discussion. The OP's son hasn't pressurised his wife, and as we've also been told that "they aren't worried at all", which suggests there is no distress.

As she's been told that the parents aren't worried any fears she may have had, may have been satisfied. Perhaps she'd have spoken more favourably about her d.i.l. and expressed concern if she hadn't felt it necessary to defend her son and herself, and if they had a better relationship.

We can't know for sure.

Literally nowhere did I write that the son pressured his wife. That was in response to people telling the OP to approach his wife about her god given right to limit the details of her personal medical information.

“they”, meaning the hospital staff, are not worried. What we know for sure is that the young wife is only comfortable sharing details with her mum and husband. And that’s all we need to know. Not sure what kind of people criticize a woman for being comfortable sharing about her body with her husband and mum. It’s quite bizarre and unkind.

The OP would have spoken more favorably about her daughter in law if she felt it. When you actually care about and love someone, strangers on the internet don’t affect that. Her words are her responsibility and no one else’s. The OP is also the one responsible for her feelings, not her daughter in law.

Also, a mum who understands her son’s wife is his rightful priority wouldn’t ask him to approach his wife to get her way about something she isn’t entitled to. Not saying the OP has done this, but it certainly provides insight into why those who think it’s okay have conflict with DILs.