Feeling left out

I’m still on the first page of responses here… and find that Hithere’s responses are such a smackdown without any feeling at all. Not even a whisper of empathy at n her words.

I do agree with ParlorGames - she has an instinctive thought about DIL’s mother!
I wonder myself.

Family members (spouses or not) do push the “control” envelope sometimes, which is sorrowful. Why can’t people be more civil?

I’ll read the rest now and see where it ends up… strong opinions here!
USA Gundy

MoaningTurtle

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

It's not uncommon - about I:200 pregnancies or 0.5%.

In many cases things progress well - but it can also be a very dangerous situation as well (risk of extreme bleeding and death for mother and baby). The exact risk factors cannot be assessed until later in pregnancy. So it's not only "maybe she'll have a c-section".

I get that you don't like your DIL - you've made it fairly clear. But perhaps you could try to look at it from her point of view of getting a very scary diagnosis that she is trying to process and wanting supportive people around her.

I said I don't see the relevance because that's not what the son did. I didn't say you'd written that he had lyleLyle.

We don't know that "they" refers to the medical team. Some think it does but I think she was referring to her son and his wife.

I haven't said the OP would have spoken more favourably, I said "perhaps" and of course "strangers on the internet" can affect how you respond if you feel that you and/or someone you love is being unfairly criticised.

Given the very real risks associated with placenta previa, I’d be absolutely shocked if the pregnant person wasn’t worried. Medical staff, however? Literally their job to be calm, reassuring and ‘we can deal with this, it’ll be okay.’

MercuryQueen, I can't get that imaginary image of you giving birth to tarantulas out of my mind. Thanks for the laugh.
Like a lot of posters I agree the son should be honest with his wife/partner about his faux pas. I think he should have the conversation with his wife too about how much she wants his mother to be involved. If there is a difficulty there perhaps it is time for the couple to iron it out before possible real estrangement sets in. I can fully understand her not wanting her medical history to be known but still feel he has a right to inform his mother all is well.
I didn't spot the post about money given etc but gifts should be freely given with no obligation to 'pay back' in any way.
I would suspect that the OP is reading our posts even if not commenting on them. I wish her DIL a safe pregnancy and a better understanding all round of each other.

Smileless an example has been quoted above that shows it was indeed referring to the medical team and that DIL and sob are anxious about it

So that one can be put down now

I can't see where the OP said that 'they' referred to the medical team and her son and d.i.l. are anxious VS, where is this?

Found it. Yesterday @ 15.37 the OP posted about the maternity hospital not being the least bit concerned and her son feeling equally anxious.

MoaningTurtle

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

Here

Yes I know VS I said I'd found it and I agree with the OP that it isn't right that her son's m.i.l. knows and is OK to be supportive, but not for her.

So the comments you challenged were correct

This is what I meant earlier

Let people have their say to the OP, or at least make sure you are correct when challenging others

Yes VS we know that mil are always wrong. However I do not agree with you, I think that’s allowed not thinking as you do.
When I see what some people have to do just to see their son it’s plain wrong. I would not walk on egg shells. If my son told me something he knows it would go no further however my lovely dil would have probably told me anyway as it’s not a competition,

Allsorts

I don't think MILs are always wrong

The MILs that are wrong were generally wrong when they were DILs too

Or in other words, people who age rong are wrong

Sometimes.... It's even the Son that is wrong 😲

I thought you didn't agree with policing others posts VS, so please don't try to police mine. I'm not preventing anyone from having "their say to the OP" and it's silly to suggest otherwise.

That's how it should be Allsorts. No one should be told what they can and cannot tell their own parents, or made to feel bad because they want too to the extent that they feel they can't be honest with their husband or wife when they'e done so.

Just trying to help

The point is, this is not our business.
Moaning Turtle chose to make it public and she should not have done so.

Well isn't that what GN is for eazybee? There are countless threads started by people looking for advice for personal situations, should no one ever do so?

There'd be very few threads if no one ever did.

I repeat: it is not our business and Moaning Turtle should not have made it public.

The OP completely describes my DIL. And over the years it gets worse. We don’t know why. This year she didn’t acknowledge DH’s birthday. Card from the DGC and DS, but she didn’t sign the card or send any kind of message. We give up…

To me OP original post stated that she asked her son how the scan went and he told her some details. She didn’t then question him on the ins and outs of it . At this time the DIL hadn’t told him not to discuss the pregnancy with his mother so none of this was against her wishes.
The DIL discussed it with her mother and sister because she was concerned about the pregnancy and wanted their support which I assume they gave . The baby’s father was also concerned so why was it so dreadful that he needed the same support from his mother .
I think the OP try’s to get on with her DIL and doesn’t interfere in the marriage but it is very hard to be supportive of a DIL who obviously doesn’t like her . If the OP hadn’t asked how the scan went she would probably have been called uncaring .
Anyway, I hope all goes well with the pregnancy and you and your son avoid any more drama.

I think, what it boils down to, is expectations.

Myself and several other posters have explained why we believe expecting to have access/be informed of someone’s personal medical information is inappropriate. That yes, the OP is an interested third party, but that comes with zero rights or entitlement to information. It is wholly up to the patient who gets to know what, and when.

You can’t flip a switch and assume that your relationship will improve simply because there’s now a gc on the way. Nowhere in any of OP’s posts do I get a sense of a positive relationship between her and her DIL, so I find her expectations to be unreasonable. There’s clearly a loss of trust between them.

I understand totally Moaning Turtle. Of course you want to be kept in the loop. A child is for the 'tribe' not just the mother (although I do detest the 'we're pregnant' expression). I think your DIL must be quite insecure and envious - or is she just plain controlling? At all events, try to be patient and understanding - as I am sure you realise, she is the one who is pregnant, not you. Strikes me your son needs the support of an open-minded and understanding mum.

You're entitled to your feelings, and I can appreciate it's hard to feel like the maternal grandmother l knows more information. I would try to remember that your son is not the patient and he is not the one carrying baby. My guess is your son is trying to keep you in the loop, but his wife is anxious (who wouldn't be) and he doesn't want well-meaning expressions of concern or support from you to be misinterpreted as an invasion of medical privacy. How would you feel if your son told his wife all about your yeast infection and she reached out to see how your discharge was? You are, after all, the grandmother of her child and she has a vested interest in your health. However routine pregnancy may seem, and even though we've all been through it, this is still pretty intimate and women do have a right to their medical privacy. Her uterus doesn't become community property just because she is pregnant.

Yes, this child will be your grandchild, but DIL isn't a mere grandchild vessel. She is this child's mother and she is the patient. I think it's understandable that she would like to choose what she does and doesn't share about her own medical information. Especially when there is nothing to be done by the other parties involved.

If it helps ease worry at all, a repeat scan to check growth and baby/placenta position at 36 weeks is completely typical in my next of the woods (US). It's not a cause for concern.

greenlady102

Feelings aren't wrong, they are feelings but NOBODY has the right to know what is going on with someone else's pregnancy. Doctors won't even tell the biological or other father details unless the mother permits. I don't think that's resenting your existence, its expecting to have control of her own health information.

I'm obviously behind on this post, but well said! It's true. At least at my OB practice and hospital, we need to authorize our partners to access our medical information. They are not automatically entitled. The mother is the patient.

Smileless2012

I said I don't see the relevance because that's not what the son did. I didn't say you'd written that he had lyleLyle.

We don't know that "they" refers to the medical team. Some think it does but I think she was referring to her son and his wife.

I haven't said the OP would have spoken more favourably, I said "perhaps" and of course "strangers on the internet" can affect how you respond if you feel that you and/or someone you love is being unfairly criticised.

I disagree. I love my daughters in law. All 3 of them. We aren’t a perfect family, but somehow I can’t imagine them receiving worrying news about a pregnancy and then me going to the internet and complaining how they don’t treat me the same as the women who birthed them. It’s lunacy and unloving, no matter what strangers on the internet say. As I said, some people give advice that leans toward peace and healing in the family. Others will give advice/comments that fuel unnecessary grievances. I prefer to give comments that promote family harmony by seeing the other perspective, not validate childish entitlements.